Written by Mitch Cyrus

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I’m back after skipping over last week’s Crystal Ball so that I could attend my annual pilgrimage to Berea to attend the start of Browns’ Training Camp.  Another weekend that my liver would like to forget.

No great loss, as last week’s movies were the worst new releases I’ve seen this summer.  “Dinner for Schmucks”, “Charlie St. Cloud”, and “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore”.  None of them worth even renting in a few months, let alone wasting the time and money required to see them at the theaters.

Mini Review - “Cop Out”

I’m still not sure how I ended up watching this movie.  I’m on a “camping” trip up in the Virginia mountains with my two sisters and their husbands…and the quotes around “camping” are due to the fact that there are two RVs up there the size of smaller aircraft carriers, along with a bath house, DirecTV satellite, power, A/C, and enough amenities to make the Waldorf Astoria turn at least a slight shade of green.

My one brother-in-law brought along a DVD of the Kevin Smith directed (but not written by him) buddy movie “Cop Out”, starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan.  Now I had already heard all the bad stories about this, but I couldn’t drop enough subtle hints to change his mind.

Both of my sisters, and my other brother-in-law found excuses to bail, so I felt obligated to watch it with him.

All I can say is; Thank God for Alcohol.  Because that’s the only thing that made it possible to get through this movie.

This was the biggest insult to my intelligence I’ve ever experienced.  Bruce Willis alternated between looking bored, and looking embarrassed for being associated with this crap.  But that was still better than Morgan, who was just flat awful; you couldn’t understand most of the things he was saying, and you were constantly distracted by how much spit was always coming out of his mouth.  And this was AFTER editing!  Can you imagine how gross the outtakes must have been?

Then you had Seann William Scott as a motormouthed cat burglar who likes to rub the chests of other men when he’s nervous, bad racial stereotypes in the form of Mexican gangsters, a worthless subplot about a cheating spouse, and another subplot about Willis needing to sell a valuable baseball card in order to finance his spoiled brat daughter’s extravagant wedding just so that his ex-wife’s new husband (a smarmy Jason Lee) doesn’t get the credit.

It was painful watching this.  There were no real laughs, no excitement, no suspense.  Just cringes and eye rolls, along with numerous trips to the cooler for another beer.  “No…you don’t need to pause the DVD…I’ll be right back”.

My Rating – Spergeon Wynn (0 Footballs)

News and Rumors

~ Goodbye, James Bond?  The franchise is on indefinite hold due to the bankruptcy and attempted sale of MGM, who holds the rights to Bond.  MGM isn’t making any movies, and any attempt to buy/liquidate the studio is on hold, with the result being that there is not even so much as a concept outline for another Bond movie.  It could be years before we see another, something that Daniel Craig seems to recognize, as he’s quickly (and understandably) moving on to other projects.

~ Another meaty role coming up for Viggo Mortensen, taking on the lead role in the film adaptation of the cult novel “On the Road” by Jack Kerouac.  No, this is not the same thing as “The Road”, which came out earlier this year.  Viggo will play Old Bull Lee, the character based on William Burroughs in the semi-autobiographical novel, with Amy Adams playing his drug addicted wife.  Kirsten Dunst, and Kristen Stewart will also have roles in the film to be directed by Walter Salles and produced by Francis Ford Coppola.

~ Here is an indie film that might be of interest…at least to me.  Adrien Brody, William Petersen, and Christina Hendricks (Joan in “Mad Men”) are amongst the cast in “Detachment” from “American History X” directory Tony Kaye.  Brody will play a normally detached substitute teacher who becomes invested I the students and teachers at a troubled school.  Petersen will play a Vietnam Vet who now teaches history, with Hendricks as a fellow teacher and love interest for Brody.

~ There is a rumor that there is to be three Green Lantern movies released over three years.  While part of me really wants to see this, the other part is just so turned off by the whole fanboy quality of it all.

~ Another rumor…Quentin Tarantino is said to be working on a script for another remake of “The Shadow”.

~ There is a planned sequel to the excellent 2002 Tom Hanks film “Road to Perdition”, to be based on the follow-up graphic novel “Road to Purgatory” by Max Allan Collins.  This film is to take place 10 years after the end of “Perdition”, with Michael Sullivan Jr., the son of the Hank’s character, returning home from WWII and seeking vengeance for the death of his father.

Stupid Remakes and Sequels

~ The early posters are coming out for the live action “Yogi Bear” film, voiced by Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake.  And it’s about as bad as you would guess.

~ It looks like a fourth “Mission Impossible movie will be made.  Ugh.

~ Dimension Films is developing a remake of “An American Werewolf in London”.  Wasn’t it bad enough that they made “An American Werewolf in Paris”?

This week's new movie releases: 

The Other Guys

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Will Ferrell

Plot :  Detectives Allen Gamble and Terry Hoitz might not be New York City's finest, but when they discover a path that leads directly to one the city's biggest criminals, they seize the opportunity to become supercops.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: Damn them all!  I can’t stand Will Ferrell lately, which would have made it so easy to write off this movie.  But nnooooooo!  It can’t be that simple, as the consensus is that this might be the funniest movie of the summer (which in truth, wouldn’t take much).  So now I’m going to have to break down and see for myself.  I must admit, the whole concept of Wahlberg playing against type in a comedy appeals to me, and I love the idea of Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne Johnson as the true “supercops”.

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Step Up 3D

Starring: Rejects from “So You Think You Can Dance?”

Plot : The kids from the Maryland School of the Arts head to Paris for an international dance competition, but when one of them misses the flight home, he is inducted into the city's underground dance scene, which is about to have its own contest. The case of a stolen routine finds him looking to bring some of his friends back to the City of Lights for the event.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: I almost fell asleep just reading that “plot”.  If any of my friends see this movie, I shall disown you for your complete lameness.  In fact, if you even watch the trailer, I may consider you about to be “de-friended” on my facebook account.

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New DVD Releases

Kick Ass  – Released this past Tuesday, this is one of the pleasant surprises of 2010, and wickedly funny, and often extremely violent send up of all the superhero movies, with “normal” people dressing up and taking on crime, including Nicolas Cage, and his sadistic pre-teen daughter.

Ghost Writer  – Well received mystery with Ewan McGregor and Pierce Brosnan in a tale of intrigue surrounding a ghost writer’s development of the memoirs of a famous politician who isn’t what he seems to be.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid  – Evidently a fairly faithful adaptation of the popular book, based on the reviews and the box office receipts.  Not exactly my cup of tea, but if you are into this genre, it may be worth renting.

Date Night  – Amusing comedy with Steve Carell not going too far over the top (for once) with Tina Fey in a farce about mixed identities and gangsters playing havoc with the lives of two bored suburbians.

Death at a Funeral  – Strange that an English language movie would be remade after barely a year, but that’s what has happened when the British film from Frank Oz gets switched to an African-American tale of a wacky family dealing with even more wackiness at the funeral of their patriarch.

Calendar Watch  

Next Week: The Expendables, Eat Pray Love, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Upcoming Biggies (click on the hyperlink to view the available trailers).

The American – September 1 –George Clooney as an assassin hiding out in an Italian village awaiting what he hopes is his last job.

Machete – September 3 – Yes, they made a full length film from the “trailer” shown in “Grindhouse” with Danny Trejo as the revenge minded blade wielder.

The Town – September 17 – Ben Affleck as a bank robber falling for one of his victims, played by Rebecca Hall.  Meanwhile, an FBI agent (Jon Hamm) has eyes on both of them.

Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps – September 24 – Oliver Stone brings Michael Douglass back as Gordon Gecko, teaming him with Shia LaBeouf in a film that looks to be quite different in tone than the last one.

Secretariat – October 8 – Diane Lane in the story of possibly the greatest race horse ever.  Could this be another “Seabiscuit”?

Red – October 15 – Another Bruce Willis action vehicle.  This time he is a former black ops agent reassembling his old team to thwart an attack from a high-tech assassin.

Hereafter – October 22 – Clint Eastwood directs a supernatural thriller with Matt Damon.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I – November 19 – Part One of the final book about Harry, Hermione, and Ron.  This one (and I’m sure the last one) will be in 3-D.

Red Dawn – November 25 – Yes, they actually remade this semi-classic.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – December 10 – Third tale of the series…some people (like my wife) are still looking forward to it.

Tron Legacy – December 17 – Might be the most anticipated Holiday release of this year.

Gulliver’s Travels – December 22 – Jack Black takes on the iconic role.

True Grit – December 25 – The Coen Brothers remake the iconic John Wayne movie with Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon.

The Green Hornet – January 14 – Seth Rogan in a completely different take on the old radio/TV show.

The Adjustment Bureau – March, 2011 – Matt Damon in a mind bender about a politician falling for a ballerina (Emily Blunt), only to be stymied by mysterious forces keeping the would-be lovers apart.