Written by Mitch Cyrus

---

It’s January.  The weather sucks.  The Browns suck.  The Cavaliers suck.  And the movies almost always suck.

 So there is not much to do but hide out in our man caves and wait until the conditions make it OK for us to hit the golf course.

Luckily, while we are in our quasi-hibernation, there is plenty of football to watch and DVDs to view.  But what about those of us that are wanting a break, and would like to go out to see a movie?  Do we dare leave the comforts of our fireplaces, large screen TVs, and kegerators to venture out in the elements?

To answer that, Mixultany Mitch will stick his head out the back door.  If he sees grass on the other side of his patio, then it will mean an early bounty of decent movies.  If he can’t see the grass for the snow, it’s eight more weeks of crap.

I’m opening the door…

Crap.

 Gimme another beer.

Note:  January can be a decent month for movies if you haven’t yet seen some of the releases from late December.  Go out and watch “True Grit”, “Black Swan”, “The Fighter”, “The King’s Speech”, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows; Part 1”, or even “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader”.  But for me…I’ve already seen all of these, so I am screwed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since this is a new year, it’s time to bring back The Calendar Watch.

Yes, it’s our first effort here to give you a breakdown of ALL of the great movies that will be released in 2011.

Or, shall I say, of all of the movies that the studios hope are great?  As always, several of these will be total bombs, several will have their release dates moved…sometimes multiple times…and there will be some that come from out of left field to dominate at the box office.

Lots of trailers linked in that section, so give it a look…right after the news on new DVD/Blu Ray releases

January new movie releases

Movies I’m Anticipating

The Way Back

January 21

Starring: Jim Sturgess, Ed Harris, Colin Farrell

Plot :  A young military officer leads an escape from a hellish gulag in Soviet-occupied Poland during WWII. Making a pact with six companions, the group embarks on a daring mission across Asia to hopeful safety in India.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: One of those war dramas that have been totally under the radar, and I’m not sure why.  First, you have this great and eclectic cast that also includes Mark Strong and Saoirse Ronan, and then you have it being directed by Peter Weir.  Given the Weir has also done “Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World”, “The Truman Show”, “Witness”, and “Gallipoli”, there is no way I’m missing this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Mechanic

January 28

Starring: Jason Stratham, Ben Foster, Donald Sutherland

Plot : An elite assassin takes on an apprentice, who has a connection to one of his earlier targets.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: It looks like the only thing this will have in common with the original Charles Bronson movie from 1972 is the fact that it’s about a hit man and his apprentice.  I find it interesting how the trailers are setting up Statham’s character to be more like “Dexter”…a killer who only kills people who deserve it.  Foster is a great young actor, and I’m looking forward to seeing the chemistry between them. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Movies That Might Be OK

The Dilemma

January 14

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Winona Ryder

Plot :  A comedy centered on a guy who struggles with whether or not to tell his best friend that his wife is having an affair.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: It’s directed by Ron Howard, which is usually a good sign.  Except for the fact it’s a comedy, which Howard hasn’t done since “Gung Ho” in 1986.  Still, the casting looks to be great, with Queen Latifah, Jennifer Connelly, and Channing Tatum; and I’m pumped about the return of Winona Ryder to a major role.  This one will hinge 100% on the quality of the script.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Green Hornet

January 14

Starring: Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Chrioph Waltz

Plot :  A newspaper publisher by day and masked crime fighter by night, The Green Hornet and his martial arts expert sidekick, Kato, fight crime while trying to keep their true identities a secret.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: I don’t know with this one.  Sometimes I watch the trailers and think, “this may be rather enjoyable” and other times I watch one and think, “this is really going to suck”.  Overall, once again the January release date seems to scream “stinker” to me.  Rogen is either very funny and self deprecating (“Knocked Up”) or the type of a-hole that you just want to slap (“Observe and Report”).  Flip a coin on this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No Strings Attached

January 21

Starring: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher

Plot :  A comedy centered on casual friends as they try to keep their relationship strictly physical

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: Natalie Portman as your “friend with benefits”.  What man wouldn’t dream about this?  So it’s another “let’s see”…on the good side, you have director Ivan Reitman and Natalie in an adult comedy…on the bad side, you have Ashton Kutcher.  My biggest concern is that if it centers more on Kutcher than Portman, I may be tempted to throw objects at the screen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Movies That Aren’t Worth Wasting Your Time

Season of the Witch

January 7

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman

Plot :  Two crusaders return from years of battle to find their homeland decimated by the Plague. To appease members of the church, the duo agree to transport an accused witch to a remote abbey, where monks hope that a ritual will end the pestilence.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: And another totally horrible Nicolas Cage movie.  The fact that this was ready to be released in May of last year, but was pushed to the Siberia that is January tells you all you need to know.  And if you still need to know more, just check out the score from Rottentomatoes:  8% positive.  Ugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Country Strong

January 7

Starring:  Gwyneth Paltrow, Tim McGraw, Garrett Hedlund

Plot :  A fallen country star sparks with a rising singer-songwriter, trying to mount a comeback.  This leads to complications involving her husband/manager and a beauty queen turned singer.

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: I guess this was supposed to be Gwyneth Paltrow’s attempt for an Oscar run ala Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”.  Instead, it’s said to be a total mess; a nearly laugh out loud unintentionally funny soap opera.  Hell, even the above description sounds like a parody of many country-western songs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Rite

January 28

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Colin O’Donoghue, Ciarán Hinds

Plot :  A thriller centered on a disillusioned American seminary student who attends exorcism school at the Vatican, and his encounter with demonic forces

View Trailer

The BeerBuzz: Another exorcism movie?  And this time with Anthony Hopkins slumming it as a priest who every now and again gets the kooky Hannibal Lecter look in his eyes?  No thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New DVD/Pay-Per-View Releases

As mentioned in previous columns, these dates are when the movies are released to be purchased as DVDs, or released for DirecTV/Cable/Dish Network Pay-Per-Views.  The actual release to Netflix or Blockbuster may be as much as 28 days later.

Dinner for Schmucks – Jan. 4 – I hear from some people that this movie is very funny.  Most of those people also think that pulling wings off from flies is funny.  Could have some great gags in it; but a movie whose yucks come from the concept of making fun of mentally handicapped people just doesn’t appeal to me.

The Last Exorcism – Jan. 4 –  Demons.  Possessed girls.  Heroic preacher.  Lots of gross stuff.  Nothing new to see here, so move along.

Machete – Jan. 4 – I’ll steal the opening bit of my review:  If you really liked “Desperado”, but thought it needed less plot, more bloody gore, more gratuitous nudity, less emphasis on acting ability, and a much uglier hero; do I have a movie for you.

The Social Network – Jan. 11  – The best movie of the year according to hundreds of critics…but more importantly, the best movie of the year according to ME. (My column.  My ego).

Alpha and Omega – Jan. 11 -  The one animated flick that totally flopped this year.  And for that to happen, it must really, really stink.

Piranha 3D – Jan. 11  – I have no comment about the social merits of this movie.  Except to say there are none…but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be a fun movie to rent and then watch under the influence of the mind altering substance of your choice.

Takers – Jan. 18  - Another standard heist movie, mixing in a mesh of hip hop with Hayden Christensen in the world’s stupidest hat. 

The Girl who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest – Jan. 25  – Final chapter of the “Millennium” trilogy that started with “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”.  I liked this better than the middle film, but not as much as the first.  Still, a very good movie.

Red –Jan. 25  - Out of the three action adventure “guilty pleasures” from last year, this was the most enjoyable (“The A-Team” and “The Expendables” being the others).  Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren and Mary-Louise Parker rule.

Saw: The Final Chapter – Jan. 25  – We can only hope so…but don’t hold your breath.  However, you should hold your nose while watching this stinker.

Secretariat – Jan. 25  – Disney was hoping they had another “The Blind Side” here.  It didn’t quite work out that way.  Still, this sports movie is well worth renting.

Calendar Watch

High profile movies coming to a screen near you in 2011.

Trailers available wherever you see a hyperlink.

Gnomeo and Juliet – Feb. 4 – An animated version of the Shakespeare play, with garden gnomes playing the parts.  Oookaaayy.

I Am Number Four – Feb. 18 – Alien teens on Earth are tracked by their enemy. Small budget: Big buzz. 

Unknown – Feb. 18 – Another Liam Neeson action thriller.  This time, he’s a doctor who wakes up from a coma to find that someone has stolen his identity…and no one believes him, even his wife.

Rango – Mar. 4 – Animated story of a chameleon taking the role of sheriff in an old west town.  Johnny Depp looks to be channeling his Hunter S. Thompson character from “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” on this one.

The Adjustment Bureau – Mar. 4 – Matt Damon and Emily Blunt as a rising politician and a ballerina being kept apart by a mysterious group.

Battle: Los Angeles – Mar. 11 – A marine platoon faces off against an alien invasion of LA.  I guess these aliens didn’t have the “City Blaster” device that they had in “Independence Day”

Red Riding Hood – Mar. 11 – The fairy tale turned into a suspense thriller with Amanda Seyfried trying to protect her village from a werewolf.  Fascinating concept, at least.

Limitless­ – Mar. 18 – Bradley Cooper as a copywriter who discovers a top-secret drug that enhances intellect and other abilities.

The Lincoln Lawyer – Mar. 18 – Matthew McConaughey as a defense lawyer operating out of the back seat of his Lincoln Town Car, taking on a dangerous new case.

Source Code – Apr. 1 – An experimental government program sends a soldier (Jake Gyllenhaal) back in time, where he wakes up on the body of a commuter who witnesses a train bombing, so that he can find out who was responsible.  Sounds like “Quantum Leap” to me.

Hanna – Apr. 8 – A 14 year old girl (Saoirse Ronan) is raised by her father (Eric Bana) to be an assassin.  I’m intrigued by this disturbing looking film.  It’s almost the movie that could have been had Natalie Portman’s Mathilda character actually started killing people at the end of “Leon: The Professional”.

Arthur – Apr. 8 – The Russell Brand remake of the classic Dudley Moore film.  I think this is an early candidate for the worst movie of the year.

Rio – Apr. 15 – First big kid’s movie of the year (I’m not counting “Rango” as a kid’s film), about a domesticated macaw from Minnesota trying to take off for Rio de Janeiro.

Thor – May 6 – The summer blockbuster season kicks off with the Marvel comic superhero, played by Chris Hemsworth, and directed by Kenneth Branagh.  Natalie Portman plays Thor’s love interest, so it has that going for it, which is nice.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – May 20 – Captain Jack Sparrow is back.  Without Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, and with Ian McShane and Penelope Cruz.  I haven’t seen a more positive lopsided trade since Peyton Hillis for Brady Quinn.

The Hangover; Part II – May 27 – The boys are back…but in Thailand, not Vegas.

X-Men: First Class – June 3 – The origins of the X-Men, with Professor X and Magneto as younger men banding together.  I really like the casting and the characters for this one, and have high hopes that it can get the franchise back on track.

Super 8 – June 10 – The latest big film from J.J. Abrams about an alien entity from Area 51 breaking free en route to an Ohio facility in 1979.  An Ohio alien facility in 1979?  Must have been in Cincinnati. 

Green Lantern – June 17 – Here it is geekboys…the Holy Grail of your comic book fantasies.

Cars 2:  - June 24 – It’s from Pixar, so expect greatness.

Rise of the Apes – June 24 – James Franco as the experimental scientist who creates Caesar, the first talking chimpanzee, kicking off the whole “Planet of the Apes” thing.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – July 1 – Please don’t let this be as crappy as the last one.

Larry Crowne – July 1 – Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in a comedy about a middle-aged man going back to community college after losing his job, and falling for a local teacher.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – July 15 – The End finally comes to this great franchise.

Captain America: The First Avenger – July 22 – Chris Evans, who played the Human Torch in the awful “Fantastic Four” movies, now becomes the famed WWII hero. 

Cowboys and Aliens – July 29 – Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig as cowboys teaming with Indians to fight aliens in the 19^th Century Old West.  And Craig has a mysterious high tech blaster attached to his left arm.  And he has no idea how it got there!  I am SO there for this one.

The Smurfs – Aug. 3 – Just shoot me now.

Conan the Barbarian­ – Aug. 19 – Another remake from the 80s that we’ll probably wish hadn’t been done.

Moneyball – Sept 23 – Brad Pitt as Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane.  I really have no idea how this book could be turned into a movie worth watching, but we’ll see.

Real Steel – Oct. 7 – Hugh Jackman as a manager/controller of real life, 10 foot tall Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.

Footloose – Oct. 14 – Pushed back from 2010.  We can only hope it gets pushed back to 3010.

The Three Musketeers – Oct. 14 – Another remake, but this one with Brits Matthew Macfadyen (“MI-5”), Ray Stevenson (“Rome”), and Luke Evans as the main three, with young Logan Lerman (“Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief”) as D’Artagnan.  Also with Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich and Orlando Bloom.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 – Nov. 18 – Only two more of these awful movies to go.

Hugo Cabret – Dec. 9 – Martin Scorsese directs the story of a 1930s orphan living in the walls of a train station.

Mission Impossible 4 – Dec. 16 – Tom Cruise sets the stage for Jeremy Renner taking over the role of the leader of the IMF for future movies.  Well played, Tom.

Sherlock Holmes 2 – Dec. 16 – Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, and director Guy Ritchie make another run at it.

The Adventures of Tintin – Dec. 23 – Steven Spielberg takes on the classic French tale, using motion capture animation.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Dec. 23 – English version of the outstanding Swedish film with Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara.