Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Last week Mitch predicted a bad weekend at the box office and a good weekend for those of us intent on locking the doors, drinking beer, and watching football. He was right. This week's releases are much more intriguing, including "The Black Dahlia", which I am eager to see. As always on Fridays, Mitch gives us the lowdown on what's going on at the theaters and on DVD.

It is so seldom that I am right on any predictions, I just have to crow about it when one finally works out.

Last week, I stated that all the movies being released were boring, and highly recommended a weekend of football and alcohol laced carbonated beverages.

America listened, as last weekend was the worst in regards to box office take in the last three years. “The Covenant” was #1…which is sort of like being a first place basketball team after one game; a 25-24 double overtime “victory” over the New Jersey Home of the Short.

Much better fare this week, or at least more choices, as it is a rare weekend with five new films opening nationwide. Most of them still suck, but it will be a more entertaining suck than last week’s drudgery.

News & Rumors:

~ Latest Comic Book green lighted film? “The Sub-Mariner”. Seriously. Jonathan Mostow, the writer of “Terminator 3” will direct and re-write the existing (crappy) script about the prickly Atlantis based superhero who always looked to me like a cross between Mr. Spock and Mercury with his pointy ears and cute winged feet. Might challenge “Elektra” and the upcoming “Ghost Rider” for the title of “Worst Ever” in the Comic Book category.

~ What is with The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) and football films now? OK, we all know that the former Miami Hurricane and “rassler” was an NFL washout, so is he now trying to make up for his humiliating failure by appearing in all these pigskin flicks? “Gridiron Gang” opens this week, as described below, and the Rockster will also begin shooting another football film, “The Game Plan” later this month. In it, he plays an NFL star who learns he has a daughter, and tries to connect with her over the objections of his hard driven agent, Kyra Sedgewick. A pro sports star not knowing he fathered a child out of wedlock? I’m shocked! SHOCKED! Mostly because we all know that most women in those circumstances would have an injunction against him for $75,000 a month child support two minutes after the delivery.

~ Second straight week with Jim Carrey news. In this one, Carrey and Steve Carrell have signed on to do voices for the upcoming CGI adaptation of Dr. Seuss’ “Horton Hears a Who”. Carrey will be the voice of the charming elephant, and Carrell will be the mayor of Whoville. Not to be confused with WhoDeyVille, a not-so-charming place on the Ohio River where a team of criminals named the Bengals play football. (and hopefully suffer an ass kicking this week at the hands of the Browns…yeah, I know…Wishful Thinking 101).

~ Peter Jackson’s latest project sounds like a good one. “Termeraire”, is a mixture of fantasy and historical epic. It is a saga set in the time frame of the Napoleonic Wars, mixing sea battles with flying dragons. I think I may have seen that the last time I heavily drank tequila.

This week’s new releases:

Title: The Black Dahlia

Starring: Josh Hartnett, Scarlett Johansson, Aaron Eckhart

Plot: Detectives investigate the brutal murder and mutilation of an up and coming starlet in 1940s Hollywood.

The BeerBuzz: The more heavily hyped cousin of last week’s “Hollywoodland”. You would think having De Palma behind the camera bodes well for this film…until you look back and remember that the last films directed by Brian De Palma were “Snake Eyes”, “Mission to Mars”, and “Femme Fatale”. Yech. Hopefully he pulls an Oliver Stone, and gets his mojo back with this one…although as stated last week, having Josh Hartnett in the lead is NOT a good omen. But evidently there is a majorly hot sex scene involving Scarlett…so who cares about the rest of it? I’ll let you know next week as I’ll finally get back in the reviewer’s chair for this one.

Title: Gridiron Gang

Starring: The Rock, and a bunch of twenty somethings playing high school delinquents.

Plot: A counselor at a juvenile detention center starts up a football team to prove that even nasty little sociopaths deserve the chance to commit mayhem on a football field.

The BeerBuzz: No doubt that this will be the #1 movie of the weekend, a heart tugging tale of a bunch of kids that aren’t really bad, just victims of an unjust society. Yeah, right…let’s just forget about the people they robbed or beat. You know, I’m rumored to be a bit on the liberal side, but that line of bs makes my eyes roll completely into the back of my head. Based upon a 1993 documentary…meaning they took the high level concept and then made up everything else. Hey! A Football Movie! Wouldn’t it be a huge surprise if it ended with The Big Game? (in slow motion, with a “powerful” orchestrated soundtrack).

Title: The Last Kiss

Starring: Zach Braff, Jacinda Barrett, Rachel Bilson

Plot: Scum bucket questions his long term cohabitation relationship with his girlfriend while she is pregnant.

The BeerBuzz: Bomb of the month. Who exactly is this movie aimed at? It’s definitely not a ChickFlick, as there wouldn’t be many women sympathetic to a guy having an affair while his girlfriend goes through swollen ankles, estrogen overload, and gallons of Ben & Jerry’s. No guns or car chases, so that leaves out most guys. The only people left are the ones that LIKE to be depressed. In other words; Garry Shandling.

Title: Everyone’s Hero

Starring: the voices of Whoopi Goldberg, Brian Dennehy, and William H. Macy

Plot: CGI family flick where a young boy must return the (talking) bat of Babe Ruth to the slugger before the World Series

The BeerBuzz: The “warm and fuzzy” sports based flick of the week that’s actually suitable for kids. So if it succeeds, will we get a sequel in the next few years about a kid that must hurry and get a talking syringe of steroids back to Barry Bonds before his head shrivels down to a size 8 ½?

Title: Confetti

Starring: Martin Freeman, Jessica Stevenson, and a bunch of other Brits who I’ll probably recognize when I see them, but I’m not familiar with their names.

Plot: Three couples compete in a wild and wacky British contest to see who can have “The Most Original Wedding of the Year”.

The BeerBuzz: The Brits are finally adapting something from America rather than the other way around (American Idol, The Office, Who Wants to be a Millionaire”)…with director Debbie Issitt pulling a Christopher Guest and filming a “mockumentary”, allowing the actors to pretty much improvise the entire script. Doubtful that it would be as funny as Guest’s “This Is Spinal Tap”; but it might be an amusing rental in a few months.

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, September 19^th

Five new movies released to the theaters, and not a THING worth watching coming out this week on DVD. At least as far as new release…but there are a couple of classics worth renting.

Stay Alive– Teenagers find a video game where you die in real life if you die in the game. If it ends up that the obnoxious little bastard from “Malcolm in the Middle” were to be dispatched in a truly painful way, then that part of this worthless flick might have a tiny bit of entertainment value.

Stick It– Let’s make a movie about 14 year old girls with the bodies of 10 year old boys combining gymnastics with moves more suitable for pole dancing! NOT suitable for viewing by young girls 10 and under who are in gymnastic classes and think this might be a good flick about their sport.

10^th and Wolf – A crime drama so bad that it is already in video, a mere four weeks after opening in theaters…to a grand total of $53,000 at the box office.

Mister Roberts – Pick of the Week is this classic 1955 Henry Fonda/Jack Lemmon/James Cagnie WWII Pacific comedy/drama. If you’ve never seen it; rent it and thank me later.

Backdraft: Anniversary Edition – 2 disc set of the 1991 Ron Howard directed tear jerker.

Calendar Watch:

Next week: All the King’s Men, Flyboys, Jackass Number 2, Fearless

Upcoming Biggies (click on the hyperlink to view the available trailers).

The Departed: October 6^th - Scorsese’s latest with the Cast To Die For. Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, and Ray Winstone in a story about a cop (Leo) who has infiltrated the mob, and a mobster (Damon) who has infiltrated the cops.

Man of the Year: October 13^th – Robin Williams as a Jon Stewart type commentator/comedian who runs for President as an Independent to shake things up…and wins.

Flags of Our Fathers: October 20^th - Director Clint Eastwood’s tale of the men who raised the flag on Iwo Jima.

The Prestige: October 20^th – Christopher Nolan (Momento) directs Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, and Scarlett Johansson in a turn of the century mystery about two magicians. This one has some great early buzz.

Lucky You: October 27^th Eric Bana/Drew Barrymore movie centering on the Poker Craze and the World Series of Poker.

A Good Year: November 10^th - Ridley Scott’s latest with a kinder, gentler Russell Crowe and a plot line revolving around a vineyard. Crowe and booze…always an interesting combination.

Casino Royale: November 17^th - Daniel Craig in his first appearance as 007. Good early buzz on this one.

The Fountain: November 22^nd – Hugh Jackman as a 16^th Century Conquistador who finds the real fountain of youth and spends 1000 years searching for a way to save his love.

Déjà Vu: November 22^nd – Denzel Washington in a Tony Scott time travel adventure.

Rocky Balboa – December 22^nd – Adrian!!!! I want to watch Matlock!!!!

The Good Shepherd – December 22^nd – Robert Di Niro directs Matt Damon, Anjelina Jolie and himself in a tale of the early years of the CIA.

Dreamgirls – December 25^th – Big budget adaptation of the Broadway musical with Beyonce, Jamie Foxx and Eddie Murphy.