Written by Mitch Cyrus

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It's a quiet weekend at the theaters, with "The Santa Clause 3" and "Borat" (starring Da Ali G from the HBO show by the same name) as the most notable releases today. In his news and rumors section of this week's "Crystal Ball" Mitch also lets us know which cast member was kicked off the set of "24", and also informs us of some sequels that are sure to be horrible that will be released in 2007.

Not much last week at the theaters, and not much this week as well. 

But all is not lost.  Check out the “Upcoming Biggies” part of this feature, and you’ll see that starting next week, there are three straight weeks of excellent (we hope) new films coming out. 

For this week, to steal from “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, you get a rock. 
 

News & Rumors:

~ British comedian Eddie Izzard has quit the cast of “24” after only one day of filming.  I guess he was upset that they rejected his idea of putting Jack in a dress.  Eddie left the country before Jack Bauer could kill him with a shilling and some fish and chips.  Speaking of “24”, the trailer for Season Six is out.  Can’t wait.

~ Let’s just lump all the crappy movie remakes into one little blurb and be done with it.  “Pink Panther 2”, “Harold and Kumar 2”, “The Mummy 3”, and “Rush Hour 3” (with Roman Polanski co-staring), have all been announced.  Unbelievable.  I’m sure there is an ad in a Hollywood paper looking something like this:  Wanted: Hollywood Screenwriters.  Requirements:  The ability to breathe, make gross body noises and regurgitate lame movies.  Education: Oh, we hope not…anyone with an education higher than the 10^th grade would ruin our remakes/sequels.  Pay:  Anything over minimum wage should be considered a rip-off.

~ OK, to counter the bottom of the barrel morons, let’s look at the elitists making hi-brow pictures that appeal to no one.  Case in point; Steven Soderbergh, who gets to make not one, but TWO movies about the life of Che Guevara, both starring Benicio Del Toro.  The first will focus, among other things, on his friendship with Fidel Castro.  I’m sure this will be a big hit in Miami.  Just make sure you’re wearing asbestos to the premier.  After these, I’m really looking forward to that Ang Lee trilogy about Mao Tse-Tung.

~ It’s not all bad news today.  Tom Hanks will be starring in a Mike Nichols directed film “Charlie Wilson’s War”, to be released in December 2007.  Hanks will play the title character, a congressman from Texas who loves women and liquor (redundant, isn’t it?).  His career almost destroyed due to a sex and drugs scandal, he ends up providing the impetus for arming the Afghans in their fight against the Soviets in the early 1980s.  Aaron Sorkin provides the screenplay, so I doubt this will be on Rush Limbaugh’s “Must See” list.

~ The “Sex In the City” movie is back on.  And my testosterone level drops five points just typing that.

~ If Naomi Campbell was convicted for assault and was sentenced to having to face Jack Bauer, she would appeal for a reduction in sentence to death. 
 
 

This week’s new releases: 
 

Title: Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause 

Starring: Tim Allen, Martin Short, Elizabeth Mitchell 

Plot:  Santa’s having problems dealing with both his new family, and stopping Jack Frost from taking over Christmas 

The BeerBuzz: In the immortal words of Jimmy Johnson at the Square Table where Man Laws are made; “Duh-umb”.  Also “starring” Kevin Pollack as Cupid, Michael Dorn as the Sandman, Peter Boyle as Father Time and Jay Thomas as the Easter Bunny?  Why does this sound like a fifth rate rip-off of the excellent SNL sketch with the super heroes (especially John Belushi as the Hulk).  Do not attend unless you also bring in some really good drugs that can make you hallucinate wildly.  
 

Title: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan 

Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen, and a lot of stupid people being induced to make total idiots of themselves on camera. 

Plot: A Kazakhstan reporter is sent by his countries Ministry of Information to make a documentary about the USA. 

The BeerBuzz:  I guess if you get right down to it, this is a more intellectual version of Punk’d and/or “Jackass: the Movie”.  If you watch some of the Leno/Letterman bits where they take their cameras out on the street and film “proof” that most Americans are idiots, then you know what’s in store here.  For me, I don’t have to spend $8 to see that some Americans are idiots.  I see that almost every week when I get a crowd shot of the fans of the Pittspuke Squealers or the Crackmore Ratbirds. 
 

Title: Flushed Away 

Starring: The voices of Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, and Ian McKellen 

Plot:  An elitist British pet rat gets flushed down the toilet where he discovers a whole new world. 

The BeerBuzz:  From the makers of “Wallace and Grommit”, so expect an entirely different sense of humor than you see from most of the USA CGI films…such as Jackman’s character peering up the skirt of Winslet’s CGI rat.  Between that and the fact that we’ve just about been CGI’d to death this year, I expect this to be more in line with “Everyone’s Hero” than “Cars”.   Speaking of which… 
 

New DVD Releases on Tuesday, November 7^th  

Cars – Still sitting in second for the 2006 box office race with almost $250 million.  Clever tale about a hot-shot race car (Owen Wilson) learning there’s more to life than winning after he’s stuck in a small town with Paul Newman as a classic Hudson, Larry the Cable Guy as a tow truck, and Bonnie Hunt as a hot little Porche.  Additional creative voice casting with Cheech Marin, Tony Shalhoub, George Carlin, Michael Keaton, John Ratzenberger and Jeremy Piven.  To say nothing of Richard Petty as The King, Darrell Waltrip as Darrel Cartrip, Jay Leno as Jay Limo, and Bob Costas as announcer Bob Cutlass. 

Little Man – The Wayan Brothers jumping the shark with one of the most juvenile, humorless, crass films ever made regarding a dwarf jewel thief masquerading as a baby.  If you watch this, you will be able to hold a mirror up and observe brain cells try to flee from your skull.  
 

Calendar Watch:

Next week: Stranger Than Fiction, A Good Year, The Return, Harsh Times 

Upcoming Biggies (click on the hyperlink to view the available trailers). 

Casino Royale: November 17^th - Daniel Craig in his first appearance as 007.  He may be the best “natural killer” persona we’ve seen in the role since Sean. 

The Fountain: November 22^nd – Hugh Jackman as a 16^th Century Conquistador who finds the real fountain of youth and spends 1000 years searching for a way to save his love.  I like the concept, but the early buzz is that it’s going to bomb big time. 

Déjà Vu: November 22^nd  – Denzel Washington in a Tony Scott time travel adventure. 

Bobby: November 22^nd - Mix of fictional and historical regarding those in attendance at the Ambassador Hotel on the day of the assassination of Senator Robert F. Kennedy.   

Apocalypto: December 8^th – Mel Gibson’s latest controversial movie filmed entirely in a dead language, this one focusing on the decline and fall of the Mayan Civilization. 

Blood Diamond – December 8^th – Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, and Djimon Hounsou have various reasons to search for a priceless diamond in Sierra Leone. 

Eragon – December 15^th – Swords and Dragon fantasy with Jeremy Irons.  The inner geek in me is looking forward to it.  But then again…lame attempts to rip off Tolkien will totally draw my wrath. 

Rocky Balboa – December 22^nd – I’ll admit it…the trailer makes it look much better than Rocky IV or Rocky V. 

The Good Shepherd – December 22^nd – Robert Di Niro directs Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie and himself in a tale of the early years of the CIA. 

We Are Marshall – December 22^nd – Another uplifting movie with football as the backdrop…this one about the attempts to rebuild the Marshall football program after the tragic 1970 airline crash that killed 75 players, coaches, and staff. 

Dreamgirls – December 25^th – Big budget adaptation of the Broadway musical with Beyonce, Jamie Foxx and Eddie Murphy. 

The Good German – December 25^th –Oscar contender from Stephen Soderberg starring George Clooney, Cate Blanchett, and Tobey Maguire in post WWII Berlin. 
 
 

2007 Attempts at Blockbusters (most dates are nothing more than educated guesses at this point). 

Children of Men – New release date for the futuristic Clive Owen and Julianna Moore film about a world where women can no longer get pregnant, dooming mankind. (January) 

Zodiac – Jake Gyllenhaal and Robert Downey, Jr star in the tale of the Bay Area serial killer (January) 

Ghost Rider – Nicholas Cage turns into a motorcycle riding superhero with a flaming skeleton head. (February) 

Reign Over Me – First major fictional piece dealing with the effects of 9/11 on the families, starring Adam Sandler (against type) and Don Cheadle (March) 

300 – Frank Miller adaptation of the Frank Miller graphic novel about 300 Spartans defending Greece from the entire frickin’ Persian Empire.  Filmed in the same style as “Sin City”. (March) 

Grind House – Two one-hour short horror stories, one from Robert Rodriguez, the other from Quentin Tarantino. (April) 

Spider-Man 3 – The webslinger versus Venom and Sandman. (May) 

Shrek the Third – Justin Timberlake as young King Arthur.  Gulp (May) 

Pirates of the Caribbean: At the World’s End – Captain Jack goes for the hat trick (May) 

Ocean’s Thirteen – Will someone please stick a fork in this franchise? (June) 

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer – No way does this film get completed by this date (June) 

Live Free or Die Hard – John McClane strikes again (probably with his walker) (June) 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – My wife and daughter will be there the first day (July)