Written by Mike Perry

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 Kent and Akron will get together tomorrow to do battle for the Wagon Wheel. As far as those “rivalry game” trophies are concerned the Wagon Wheel is somewhere in the middle as far as cheesiness is concerned.

Think about it, there are buckets, ax handles, bells, whistles, etc. Are these obscure items supposed to get players fired up? I know Kent and Akron are not the best of friends and they have plenty of incentive to pound on each other anyway, but The Wagon Wheel is just icing on the cake.

All of these rivalry trophies have stories as to how they came about.

I wanted to take the reader on a journey across the country to become more familiar with this unique hardware. So strap the helmet on and get ready for a journey into the sublime…

First of all you have to trust me. Some of these are going to sound made-up but I assure you these are actual rivalry trophies. Some of the editorial comments about the trophies…well, let’s just say this writer took some creative license.

Our first stop takes us to the beautiful northwest where Boise State and Fresno State have hooked up every year with the Milk Can on the line. Now what the connection between these two schools and milk is I have no idea, but it’s kind of hard to believe the players get too fired up for this one. In fact, most of the players, unless their parents are antique collectors, probably have never even seen a milk can.

The modern football player comes from a carton generation, and even that is going by the wayside. Now you see the plastic jugs everywhere…even cartons are getting outdated.

If Boise State wants to see its chances of appearing in the BCS title game it might want to check out the side of a milk carton, however. The Rose Bowl, yes, but a national championship football team in Boise, Idaho? Get serious.

The deep south is known for its barbeque, and this brings us to the “Battle for the Bones.” For some bizarre reason The University of Alabama-Birmingham and Memphis play for “The Bones.” I guess this is a reference to barbeque because there is a cookout competition that benefits the “Battle for the Bones” theme. That’s right… they have a barbeque competition that benefits the barbeque theme. If that sounds confusing to you, you are not alone. Couldn’t they come up with a charity or something? Then again, look at how ugly this trophy is (photo accompanies this story). Maybe they should save the money raised to buy a nicer trophy, or maybe they should play for something a little more sensible.

Can you just see the UAB Blazers running around, jumping all over each other hoisting a rack of ribs in the air? “WE GOT THE BONES, BABY!!!” Thrilling stuff.

This next trophy, if you drive on the wonderful highways and byways of this great country, has a name very familiar to you.

Since 1925 Southern Methodist University and Texas Christian University (now there are some bluebloods for you) have locked horns with the Iron Skillet on the line. No, this has nothing to do with the chain of truck stops that serve, perhaps, the worst spaghetti in the world, it goes back to the game in ’25. Legend has it that some SMU fans were tailgating, cooking up frog legs in a skillet. Horned Frog fans, seeing this clear desecration of their beloved mascot, made a deal with these unruly Mustangs fans that stated the fans of the winning team should get the skillet of frog legs. And a twisted, pretty disgusting tradition was born.

Now the skillet goes back and forth to the winning team each season. No word on if the frog legs are still in it.

Oregon and Oregon State hate each other. The fans hate each other, the players hate each other, heck, even the announcing crews hate each other. Now the bragging rights come with the ultimate reward. The winning team and its fans can now, after the contest, holler “Platypus, Beeeoooch.” The Platypus Trophy is big. Huge. The ultimate in collegiate hardware. And Oregon is big platypus country. Actually, this animal was chosen as the model for this trophy because it has a bill like a duck (Oregon Ducks) and a tail like a Beaver (Oregon State Beavers). That’s actually pretty clever.

The greatest small school rivalry trophy has to go to the winner of the annual showdown between two small schools in Minnesota, Carleton College and Macalester College…The Book of Knowledge. Think about it, you win a football game and all the answers to the world’s problems are right at your fingertips. Forget some cheap little trophy or goofy tradition, The Book of Knowledge is all you really need. I do wonder how, after the initial game in 1999, the loser of the game could ever expect to win the book for themselves. Once your rival has all the knowledge it needs at its disposal I would think it would be fairly hard to game-plan for that.

Here are a few more trophies for your entertainment. So get out there and root, root, root for your team. You never know what kind of knick-knack is on the line:

The Apple Cup (Washington-Washington St.), The Fremont Cannon (Nevada-UNLV), The Golden Boot (Arkansas-LSU), The Silver Spade (New Mexico State-UTEP), The Peace Pipe (Bowling Green-Toledo), The Hardee’s Trophy (Clemson-South Carolina…by the way, nothing like corporate sponsorship to jazz up your rivalry), The Indian War Drum (Kansas-Missouri), The Golden Egg Trophy (Ole Miss-Mississippi St.),  The Okefenokee Oar (Florida-Georgia…I guess because the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party isn’t enough. If you can ever get to Jacksonville for this weekend you MUST do so. Put it on your Bucket List), The Golden Screwdriver (Fresno St.-Hawaii), the Keg of Nails (Cincinnati-Louisville), The Causeway Carriage (Sacramento St.-UC-Davis), The Hickory Stick (Northwest Missouri State-Truman State) and The Coal Miner’s Pail (California, Pa.-Indiana University of Pennsylvania).