Written by David Regimbal

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The college basketball season is over -- ending Monday night in quite possibly the loudest fart you have ever heard with UConn’s painfully-hard-to-watch 53-41 victory over Butler. College basketball teams, experts and fanatics have started their slow trudge toward a seven month hibernation.

If the mood were a high school memory, it would be like that one time your biggest crush laughed in your face when you asked her out, and when you tried to be persistent, she had her lawyer-dad file a restraining order against you. And then when you tried to apologize to her at school the next day, she maced your eyes and had you arrested in front of all your peers. The cops then mistakenly thought your wild, painful thrashing on the floor was a sign of resistance, so they tasered you. The rhythmic, electric shock took away your ability to control your bladder, birthing the new nickname pee-pants-mace-face (yes, kids are cruel but not very creative).

That’s what the start of the offseason feels like. It’s just depressing all around.

This is the time of year when college basketball columnists put out their last articles of the season. They publish their Way Too Early Top 25 pieces, their Look Out for This Player Next Year pieces and their Hey My Last Name is Forde so I’ll Write About 40 things HURR pieces. I’m not exempt from this process. Later next week, I’ll be writing an article about the 2011 Ohio State basketball team and how potentially awesome they can be.

Dick Vitale is one of the most recognizable names in college basketball. His love and passion for the game is obvious despite the fact that he’s one ‘Duke - North Carolina’ buzzer beater away from complete and irreversible insanity. Still, his opinions and insight on college hoops are well respected, and he recently released his top six teams for the 2011 season.

I found Dickie on Tobacco Rd. nestled deep into a bush between the Duke-Carolina campuses, eating whipped cream out of a Panera bread bowl with a random branch he found. I took it as an opportunity to ask him a few questions about his six selections. What follows is a transcript of our conversation...

David: Mr. Vitale, I really appreciate you taking the time from your... busy schedule to talk with me. I had some questions about your ‘top six’ teams for 2011, first of which is -- why did you pick six teams? Why not a top five or top 10 like a normal human being?

Dickie V: ARE YOU SERIOUS?! It’s 2011 baby, the year of six! I just added the numbers 2, 0, 1, and 1 together and got six! It’s gonna be dynamite BABY!

David: Um... Mr. Vitale, 2 + 0 + 1 + 1 equals four...

Dickie V: // taking a bite from his bread bowl/whipped cream combo: "That can’t be right."

David: …

Dickie V: … // continues eating from bowl.

David: Err... okay. Let’s get to your selections, Mr. Vitale. You pegged Louisville as your sixth best team. Can you talk about that for a little bit, about why you’re so high on the Cardinals?

Dickie V: Oh, let me tell you! Louisville is gonna be rockin’ and rollin’ in the year of six, baby! The Big East is loaded, as it always is, but the Cardinals will soar over ‘em all. Also, you look at Rick Pitino, dressed in those white suits -- I’m almost certain, certain, that this man has connections to the mafia. Did you see what happened to that lady that crossed him?! Isn’t she in prison now?! I don’t wanna end up like that lady, no way no how. So I’ve got Louisville as my number six team. Write it down on your papers people, number six!

David: I see... what about Duke? You have them at number five, correct? You like them that much even with the losses of  Kyle Singler, Nolan Smith and Kyrie Irving?

Dickie V: Oh the Dukies are gonna be BACK next year, make no doubt about it! They might be losing some pieces -- Singler’s movin’ on, Smith’s movin’ on, but when you look at what they have left... I mean, they’ve got at least six or seven of the Plumlee kids left on the roster, right? Give me a break. And with the recruiting class they’ve got coming in, it’s gonna be electric in Cameron Indoor next season. Write it down on your papers people, ELECTRIC!

David: That’s fascinating Mr. Vitale. Let’s keep going. Looking at your number four team, you’ve got the... Mr. Vitale, can you please stop licking your palms?... Okay, at number four, you’ve got Ohio State. Can you talk briefly about the Buckeyes?

Dickie V: Football?!?! Move over BABAAAAAAY! …

David: … Could you expand on that a little?

Dickie V: Football is no longer king of the castle in Columbus, baby! There’s not room for two on that throne, I’m tellin’ you, and Thad Matta has people talkin’ BASKETBALL at Ohio State! What a tremendous job that man has done for the Buckeyes. He’s taken his team to two straight sweet 16’s! Look for him to take a talented bunch over the top next year! Write it down on your papers people, OVER THE TOP! Hey, you gonna eat the rest of that?

David: The rest of what, sir?

Dickie V: That snickers bar in your hand.

David: This is a digital voice recorder, sir. I’m recording the interview with it.

Dickie V: Well if you don’t finish it, can I have the rest?

David: Uh... sure.

Dickie V: You’re a great kid! Kind of like those bunch of kids down at Texas, amiright?

David: Nice transition, Mr. Vitale. You’ve got Texas at number three. Why?

Dickie V: Well why not?! Every year the Longhorns reach the top of the rankings, only to crash and burn. This season, they started out getting no respect, NO RESPECT, so they had to fight their way up the rankings. As soon as they got in the top three, they tanked baby. NOSE DIVE CITY, BABAAAAY! It happens every year. So instead of wasting every one's time this year by ranking them low, I’m starting them high right off the bat so they can fall before conference play starts. Write it down on your papers people, before conference play starts!

David: … That actually makes an incredible amount of sense.

Dickie V: // Nodding violently.

David: So, number two.

Dickie V: Oh, of course. I’ve been making number two right over there in that other bush. You know what they say, “don’t poop in the same bush you’re hiding in”.

David: I was talking about your number two team, Mr. Vitale.

Dickie V: Well if you’re talkin’ about poop, look no further than John Calipari! I tell you what kid, we’re gettin’ real good at these transitions. You and I have chemistry, my friend. Anyway, Kentucky is gonna be absolutely loaded next year. Calipoopy can recruit with the best of ‘em, let me tell you. He’s got a dynamite class comin’ in. They’ll be a run and gun team, I’m tellin’ you! These guys will move faster than the NCAA removing Kentucky’s wins from the 2010 season. Write it down on your papers people, THE NCAA REMOVING KENTUCKY’S WINS FROM THE 2010 SEASON!

David: That’s a bold statement from a bold man. Alright, we’re down to your top team for next year. Talk about the North Carolina Tar Heels. Why are they your number one?

Dickie V: Look at their team baby, they got everybody coming back! Zellar, Barnes, Marshall, oh MY! I’ll tell you what, with Zellar providing some veteraninity, along with Barnes and Marshall goin’ from diaper dandies to sophomore candies, it’s gonna be a // 

David: Pardon the interruption, Mr. Vitale, but first off, I’m pretty sure “veteraninity” isn’t a word. And second, did you just say, “diaper dandies to sophomore candies”?

Dickie V: YES SIR! WRITE IT DOWN ON YOUR PAPERS PEOPLE, DIAPER DANDIES TO SOPHOMORE CANDIES!

David: That's quite disturbing.

Dickie V: Alright young man, I’ve had a fun time here, but I’ve gotta get goin’. Those squirrels aren’t gonna chase themselves, if you know what I mean.

David: No sir, I have no idea what you mean.

Dickie V: Take care! And on second thought, you can keep that snickers bar. It looks like one of those digital voice recorders.

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I watched Dick Vitale chase cars on the highway for 15 minutes before the police came. And I walked away from the scene that day knowing I would never forget my conversation with a legend.

Follow David on Twitter @davidreg412