Written by David Regimbal

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With the college football season just five short (just kidding -- long) weeks away, conferences around the country have spent the last two weeks hosting their respective media days. It’s a time where head coaches and selected players from each team converge at one place to preview the upcoming year on the gridiron.

The Big Ten hosted their media day yesterday, allowing each coach in the league a 15 minute press conference to give an opening statement, followed by a brief Q&A session with the media representatives in attendance.

Instead of watching the five hour spectacle on the Big Ten Network -- I’ve saved you an enormous amount of time by chopping out all the white noise. All the highlights from each head coaches press conference is included below. It’s like cliff notes for people who are too lazy to watch television.

You’re welcome.

Ron Zook (Illinois)

Opening Statement: Zook talked about what a busy offseason it has been with both of his daughters getting married, but that he’s very excited about this season after coming off a successful bowl experience. He says there are some holes to fill, especially in the trenches, but that he has a group of guys coming back that could make some noise in the conference.

Top question from the media: “Ron, how did everything that happened at Ohio State over the course of the summer effect each of your daughters wedding days?”

Answer from Zook: “Well, you know, it stung. My daughters are trying to start their lives with their soul mates, and you have Ohio State over their giving away free rounds of golf! It’d be distracting to even the most focused person alive. So yeah, it was a challenge, but we got through it.”

Bret Bielema (Wisconsin)

Opening Statement: Bielema said that despite the Rose Bowl loss, there is a lot of excitement around the program and with the players. He talked about the schedule -- how we was eager to open up the season on a Thursday night against UNLV, and then followed that up by saying Northern Illinois was “a very quality opponent.” And he wasn’t trying to be funny.

Top question from the media: “After a Rose Bowl loss where a lot of people felt you slipped away from your identity as a running football team -- what adjustments have you made during the offseason to return to your roots?”

Answer from Bielema: “Well our offense is predicated on running the football between the tackles. We want to run, run, and then run some more. We set that up with an efficient quarterback who doesn’t try to scramble or do too much and with a guy who can execute play-action very well. So we went out and got ourselves a quarterback in Russel Wilson who is at his best when he’s scrambling, and a guy who has proven to need a ton of pass attempts to get in a comfort zon...” Bielema cut himself off and paused for a moment, “Wait a second... I think we messed up.”

Danny Hope (Purdue)

Opening Statement: Danny Hope is freaking jacked about his football team, and this football season, and he doesn’t give a flying crap if you care about it or not. He says he has a lot of fire power on offense, and mentioned that he had 17 freshman play on last year’s team because of all the unexpected injuries to his starters. His mustache just sat there and nodded in agreement.

Top question from the media: “Have you done anything during the offseason in particular that might help your team avoid the crippling injuries you suffered last year?”

Answer from Hope: “We sure have. We’ve taught our guys that growing a mustache not only improves their reputation with the ladies, but it also turns your knee’s from being a collection of cartilage held together by vagisil into an unbreakable shield of manhood and testosterone. Next question.”

Luke Fickell (Ohio State)

Opening Statement: Fickell talked about being an “unknown” (personally) to most college football fans outside of Ohio State, so he used his opening statement to introduce himself. He spoke about his ever-lasting dilemma between shampoo and conditioner and how he can never decide which one is better. He also talked about how he had hockey aspirations before he realized he could drive a golf ball 400 yards without breaking a sweat. He talked about how hydration is vital to a football players success, and that his players will drink water rather than Gatorade, because Gatorade hasn’t gone through the proper cleansing and purifying process. He also talked about how prison life with Nelly changed his attitude toward the running game.

Top Question from the media: “How does it feel to be leading the one definitive object that embodies all the evil in our society today?”

Answer from Fickell: “STOP LOOKING AT ME SWAN!”

Kevin Wilson (Indiana)

Opening Statement: Wilson spent the entirety of his opening statement trying to convince the media members in attendance that they actually play football in Bloomington. He said things like, “Seriously, I can tell by the way you’re looking at me now that you don’t believe me, but we have a football stadium and everything. We even have pictures to prove it. Mom. MOM! Where are those pictures I told you to hold on to?”

Top question from the media: N/A -- all the media members had gone out to grab some lunch.

Joe Paterno (Penn State)

Opening Statement: Joe Pa has never been one for opening statements, and he has annually bypassed that part of the press conference to go right into questions. He did mention that he was grumpy about being woken up from his nap and asked if anyone had any Advil because his teeth were sore.

Top question from the media: “Can you talk about the addition of Nebraska to the Big Ten?”

Answer from Paterno: “Sure thing kid, as soon as you get me a warm glass of milk.”

 

Pat Fitzgerald (Northwestern)

Opening Statement: Fitzgerald talked about the number of returning players he had coming back to Northwestern and how it will be his most experienced group as a coach. He talked briefly about Dan Persa’s injury and the process he’ll undertake to get back on the field. He did all of this while flexing two perfectly toned biceps.

Top question from the media: “It was rumored that Michigan contacted you after the end of last season about their vacancy at head coach. Is their a specific reason you turned them down?”

Answer from Fitzgerald: “I’m assuming that’s a rhetorical question?” And after seeing the media person sheepishly smile and nod his head, Fitzgerald laughed and said, “Nice one.”

Brady Hoke (Michigan)

Opening Statement: Brady Hoke insisted that Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door  by Guns N’ Roses play on an endless loop during his press conference, and when the conference representatives said that wasn’t allowed, he just brought up the song on his iPhone and held it as close to the mic as possible, because he’s Michigan, damn it, and no one tells him what to do.

Top question from the media: “We all know that you’re a Michigan man and that this coaching position is your dream job. Can you tell us about the highs and lows of your summer after taking the reigns at your Alma mater?”

Answer from Hoke: “Well -- the highs have been watching all the fun in regards to our biggest rival, Ohio. The lows... I don’t know, maybe the reality that despite all their turmoil, I’m still the head of a God awful football team.”

 

Bo Pelini (Nebraska)

Opening Statement: He didn’t say anything. Literally. He just screamed at the top of his lounges for five minutes straight.

Top question from the media: “Can you talk about the biggest adjustment your team is going to have to make after leaving the Big 12 to join this conference?”

Answer from Pelini: “AGHGHGHGH!! YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY WHORE MOUTH BEFORE I RIP IT OFF YOUR FACE AND FEED IT TO YOUR ASS!” Pelini then ducked below a table, produced a bow and arrow and shot that reporter right in the cheek.

 

Kirk Ferentz (Iowa)

Opening Statement: Kirk Ferentz was honored to take over the “most-boring-speaker” title that Jim Tressel held for 10 straight years. Everything he said after the first 30 seconds became an unintelligible, Ben Stein-like monologue. Everyone in the room fell asleep, but eye witnesses say Ferentz asked and answered his own questions. No one could stand listening to those questions or answers, but they insist it happened.

Top question from Kirk Ferentz: 404 Error Message...

Answer from Ferentz: 404 Error Message...

 

Jerry Kill (Minnesota)

Opening Statement: Jerry spent the majority of his opening statement fighting off the rumor that he’s a crazed serial killer posing as a college football coach. Afterwards -- he talked about the exciting new adventure of taking over a football program and how he watches you while you sleep and seriously it’s not that big of a deal.

Top question from the media: “Oh God, are we all gonna die?”

Answer from Kill: “Just take a swig from that bottle of water I gave you and relax. Everything is fine.”

 

Mark Dantonio (Michigan State)

Dantonio’s press conference was postponed due to the tragic and sudden death of a participating media member. It seemed as though the man had a heart attack, but Chicago police are still investigating the cause of death.

Unrelated -- if anyone has knowledge regarding the whereabouts of Jerry Kill, please contact the Chicago Police department.

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Follow David on Twitter @davidreg412