Written by David Regimbal

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After Ohio State’s embarrassing 24-6 loss to Miami, most people could only describe the game as a comedy of errors. In truth, the Buckeyes offense was so bad on Saturday night that at times, the futility did seem scripted. What we watched over the weekend had to be the dark, twisted humor of some Hollywood director with hate flavored venom coursing through his veins, right?

I asked myself that question after the game: if Ohio State’s 24-6 loss to Miami was a scripted comedy, who would’ve been casted to play what parts? The results I came up with are below...

Ohio State’s offensive coaching staff was Cameron Diaz from There's Something About Mary -- For much of the game, the Buckeyes’ coaching staff (namely Jim Bollman) flip-flopped between Joe Bauserman and Braxton Miller at quarterback. It was very similar to how Cameron Diaz couldn’t choose between a likable, albeit mistake-prone Ben Stiller (Braxton), and a handsome, familiar option in Brett Favre (Bauserman).

Unlike the movie, there is no winner here. The coaching staff realized too late that Farvre/Bauserman would take a picture of their genitals and send it to you before completing a pass, and Stiller/Braxton would zip their genitals in their zipper before leading a turnover-free drive. Either way, the result is exposed genitals. This is bad.

Joe Bauserman was Sandra Bullock from Miss Congeniality -- In the movie, Sandra Bullock was an incredibly talented FBI agent who was most comfortable away from the normal cliches of femininity. The twist of irony came when she had to go undercover as a Miss America contestant, and the movie was filled with the comedic value of Bullock doing an impression of something she’s not natural at. This is not unlike Joe Bauserman, who spent the majority of three hours undercover as Ohio State’s quarterback, when his most natural ability is calling you in the middle of your dinner to sell you and your significant other life insurance.

Braxton Miller was Will Smith from Hitch -- And no, not the super-smooth Will Smith that could help you get the girl of your dreams. No, Braxton was the younger version of Will Smith in Hitch -- the guy who was handsome and promising, sure, but he was also a guy who was inexperienced in the ways of dating and pressed way too hard to make things happen. Yeah, Braxton is someone who will likely grow up and be capable of hooking you up with anyone in the world, but right now, he’s the guy standing outside a car in the pouring rain, watching the girl of his dreams make-out with someone else.

Luke Fickell was Steve Carell from The 40-Year-Old Virgin -- Perfect on paper, Steve Carell was a great catch for any single lady. He was handsome, quirky in a funny way, dependable and a great hit at parties with his magic tricks. There was only one flaw -- inexperience. Carell had never made the beast with two backs, making the prospect of finding a lady very difficult because he was in way over his head. In the end, Steve settles down with a very nice lady (Catherine Keener). And if you were wondering, yes, Catherine Keener and the Akron Zips are the same thing.

Jacory Harris was Ben Stiller from The Heartbreak Kid -- Ben Stiller played the role of an indecisive bachelor terrified of spending his life alone. He meets a seemingly perfect girl and gets married, but he realizes on the honeymoon that she isn’t right for him. He spends the majority of the movie sabotaging his own relationship, doing everything he can to lose her. Jacory, like Ben, put all his efforts into losing the game on Saturday night. He threw interception after interception hoping to destroy his teams chances, but he was engaged in a game with an opponent hell-bent on losing.

Ohio State’s offensive game plan was Ben Stiller from Along Came Polly -- The makers of this comedy wanted to reach the next level, so Ben Stiller from Along Came Polly was the perfect fit for Ohio State’s offensive game plan. Timid and unwilling to take chances, Stiller’s role as a risk-management consultant was the exact element of bland, vanilla, boring play-calling they needed. Oh, what’s that Ohio State fans? You want us to mix it up, maybe throw a little spicy food in there and get creative with the play calling? Sure, we’ll do that, and then we’ll nearly crap our pants in Jennifer Aniston’s apartment. Thanks for playing.

Ohio State’s linebackers were Drew Barrymore from 50 First Dates -- Burdened with horrible memory loss, Drew Barrymore woke up every day with no recollection of her horrible accident and what it had done to her mind. This role was perfect for Ohio State’s linebackers, who let Lamar Miller gash their second level before inevitably missing a tackle. After remembering what it felt like to bring an opposing ball carrier down, they felt great until the offense lined up again for the next play. As soon as the ball was snapped, the linebackers memory snapped and they forgot how to tackle all over again. They’ll dream about it someday -- about the perfect form tackle that takes place as soon as you meet a ball carrier, as opposed to 10-15 yards down the field.

The Ohio State receivers were Russell Brand from Forgetting Sarah Marshall -- Funny, handsome and an element of awful that most people overlooked. Think about it. Russell Brand played a tawdry rock star in Forgetting Sarah Marshall -- a guy that in any other movie would be the villain for stealing the main characters girlfriend. Yet in this movie, he was charming, aloof, and by the end of the movie, the viewers didn’t see him for what he really was -- an ass. Ohio State receivers flew under the radar when most people were pointing fingers, but multiple dropped passes could’ve helped move the offense along just as much as a more competent quarterback. Don’t forget about how bad the receivers were on Saturday night or they’ll probably end up sleeping with your girlfriend in Hawaii.

Miami fans were the nine foot tall guy who had a nail in his head from Happy Gilmore -- Miami fans needed to be represented by a big, loud personality who didn’t have a huge role in the movie. The nine foot tall guy who had a nail in his head was perfect for this comedy because his only role was to carry out a misplaced sense of revenge on “Shooter McGavan.” With Miami fans (all 36 of them) still holding a grudge from the pass interference call that absolutely was pass interference, their thirst for revenge was finally quenched in a game that had a fraction of the value. Sleep well Miami fans. All freaking 36 of you.

Ohio State fans were Hilary Swank from P.S. I Love You -- The final piece to the puzzle was finding a role that was depressing enough for Ohio State fans. Hilary Swank’s part in P.S. I Love You was perfect. After losing her husband, Hilary Swank started receiving letters from the man she had just let go, seemingly from the grave, to help her get through the grieving process. The game on Saturday night just seemed like Jim Tressel reaching out to us. 4/18 passing? Yes, please move on fans, I’m not here anymore. Allowing an opposing running back to rush for 186 yards? Yes, please move on fans, I’m not here anymore. Mind-numbing play-calling... wait, am I still here? No, lol, please move on fans, I’m not here anymore. Good luck finding someone as handsome and awesome as me.

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Hopefully there won’t be too many more movies like this one in 2011, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up. The directors are thinking about a possible five-part series.

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