Written by David Regimbal

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The Split Personality Round Table is a weekly column where I let my split personalities argue about sports topics. Sometimes I’m an optimist, sometimes I’m a pessimist, and sometimes I’m a realist. Most of the time, I’m all at once. Continue at your own risk.

Ohio State’s 10-7 loss to Michigan State was a brutal affair, with Buckeye Nation looking on as if tied to a chair while their significant other was tortured by the sick, twisted minds of Jim Bollman and the Ohio State coaching staff. It was easily the worst football this round table has ever witnessed, and that’s saying something with how many Browns games we’ve watched over the years.

With a little over five days to let it settle, the resounding theme between the panel has been consistent. The coaching situation at Ohio State is a train-wreck, and something needs to change. That’s about as plain to see as Bollman’s play-calling to a defense. The members of the round table were asked to explore this topic, but only Swisher made himself available this week. Figz (The Optimist)... there seems to be something wrong with him... something that broke him. Franky (The Realist) said he’s just looking forward to the college basketball season. So, this week’s round table will be a rare solo for our favorite pessimist... God help us all.

Debate topic: Does Ohio State’s embarrassing performance on Saturday put the current coaching staff on the chopping block? And if so, where does the University go to look for their next candidate?

Swisher (The Pessimist)    Hey Urban Meyer, do you have a band-aid? Cause I just got this crazy scrape on my knee when I fell for you. 

// Suggestive eyebrow motion.

There were a lot of things that became abundantly clear last Saturday:

1. Ohio State’s offense is rewriting the definition of inefficiency. It is as follows: inefficiency: a group of 11 men with no clear direction, whose objective could range from anything between scoring a touchdown to organizing a friendly yet competitive scrabble tournament at the nearby retirement community... No one really knows.

2. There was a weird moment on Saturday’s game when Braxton Miller did something really bizarre. He snatched the ball from the shotgun snap and instead of getting mercilessly drilled by oncoming defenders or handing it off to a running back,  he did this thing where he took the ball and... flung his arm in a forward motion. The ball went flying in the air and honestly, this is where it gets really crazy. When the ball started coming back to the ground, a different Ohio State player swooped under the ball and like... caught it or something. I was expecting a flag, thinking it was some kind of penalty. I hadn’t realized that was possible, and I don’t think the coaches had either. I think if this kind of action is permissible by football rules, Ohio State should learn how to do it more often! I mean, it’s almost like they’re allowed to cheat when they do that.

3. Remember when we thought the worst part of tat-gate was the horrible off-season? We were wrong. The worst part of tat-gate was the absolute crater it left in the Ohio State football program. Jim Tressel’s absence on the sideline is an ironic physical presence,  and he left his football players in an equivalent situation of you letting Casey Anthony babysit your children.

4. Ohio State is not a good football team. A realistic estimation of their record at the end of the year is 6-6, and that’s assuming they’ll beat Purdue and Indiana and somehow manage to get one win out of their remaining opponents (Nebraska, Illinois, Wisconsin, Penn State and Michigan).

Hey Urban Meyer, you look thirsty. Can I buy you a drink?

// Walks as sexy as possible toward the bar. Tries not to fall... drunk.

Yes, every coach that has any association with this offense should be fired. And no, not just normal fired, they need to be Vince McMahon fired.

In a perfect world, Ohio State manages to bring on Urban Meyer and allows him to put an offensive staff together. The first order of business would be to figure out every offensive strategy Jim Bollman has ever had, put it in a pile, and then throw liquid fire on it. Then, Ohio State also finds a way to retain Luke Fickell as defensive coordinator with Jim Heacock, because frankly, they know how to coach that side of the ball.

But honestly, I just want someone on this staff who knows how to create a functional offense. I want someone who knows what to tell a quarterback when he makes a mistake. Remember the first game of the year against Akron, when the announcers noticed Braxton Miller standing alone on the sidelines? They said that he should be standing next to someone on the coaching staff, you know, to get coached up. What they didn’t realize is -- there is no one on this staff to coach him up. Bauserman and Braxton have no idea what they’re doing. It’s not their fault. It’s like expecting a child to do your taxes.

Michigan State shamelessly brought eight or nine guys in the box on Saturday, and they usually blitzed them all. I wonder if Jim Bollman has ever heard of a slant pass. That would’ve destroyed the Spartans on about 90% of their offensive plays. But no -- he couldn’t do that, because he’s Jim Bollman. Ugh.

Hey Urban Meyer, I didn’t know angels flew so low. Tell me how this works!

// Seriously, please take me home tonight.

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