Written by Chris Hutchison

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Ah, relief.

It's like being chased up a mountain by a polar bear while carrying Cee Lo after having just been stung by a scorpion - the road is hard and hard to bear, but you keep going, you must - must - keep going, because the alternative is unthinkable.

Then, when you finally stumble and fall, dropping Cee Lo on your ankle and shattering it, you sigh with contentment because finally the long hellish road is over.  As the polar bear's jaws crush your skull, your last thought is:  It was all worth it.

The game started as so many Browns games do - with an embarrassing long TD play by the opponent.  After a promising Cleveland drive ended with a batted-ball interception, tackling was sparse on a 55 yard TD pass to Jermaine Gresham which was mostly YAC.  So starting the 2nd Quarter at their own 29 with a 3rd and 8, things weren't looking so good.

Then ba-zing!  The O Line gave Brandon Weeden plenty of time and he heaved a ball deep to a wide open Josh Gordon for a 71 yard TD - the 2nd Weeden-to-Gordon bomb of the week in as many weeks (3 TD's for that combo altogether).

Which naturally sparked an offensive explosion of 7 consecutive 3 and outs.

But kudos to the Browns Defense, as the Bengals were unable to take advantage of the Offensive nap.  They scored a TD on a 27 yard drive right before Half following a long punt return (Cleveland has trouble stopping Cincy on punts), but had 6 punts and a pick during the same span.

A great punt return of their own (60 yards by Josh Cribbs) allowed the Browns to close to 14-10 midway through the 3rd, and then a Joe Haden INT on the following drive (courtesy Buster Skrine's D) enabled them to close to 14-13.

During that drive, Trent Richardson, who was only marginally effective, whiffed on a block and got Weeden nailed.  Weeden's ankle was hurt, and it was revealed that Richardson was also playing hurt with a rib injury.  Montario Hardesty was tapped to take over at RB, and Colt McCoy started warming up.

Perhaps the thought of being replaced at QB on his birthday (Weeden turned 29 Sunday) was the kick in the pants that he needed, and he opened up a can of whoopass on the Bengals from that point forward.  He was pinpoint (and Hardesty was inexplicably effective) as the Browns marched 66 yard to close out the 3rd Q, finished by a leaping TD by Mr. Montario - his first NFL TD.

That gave the Browns a 20-14 lead, and that's when they - and the entire stadium - finally started to truly believe they could actually finish this one off.

The Bengals did get a FG on their next drive, but another long Cleveland drive ended with a ridiculously easy 3 yard TD pass to Ben Watson (a shockingly good play call from the Shurminator) and a 27-17 lead.

Then Andy Dalton immediately threw a Pick 6 to Sheldon Brown and with a 34-17 lead with

about 7 1/2 left, the game was over.

Which of course it wasn't.  If they were up 38 points with 23 seconds left, I would still be convinced they would find a way to lose.  And after giving up a 57 yard TD heave to AJ Green on 3rd and 17 with 5 1/2 left, it was "Here We Go Again" time.

True to form, the Browns went 3 and out on a drive that was originally supposed to kill time then made a weak effort to get a 1st - predictable by-the-book play calling.  So Cincy got the ball back down 10 with about 4 left and marched right down the field taking the underneath stuff that Cleveland was giving them in their Prevent.  They got to the CLE 9 with 2:39 left when Emmanuel Stephens broke free from Dalton's blind side and climbed on his back, hacking the ball loose at the same time.  Billy Winn scooped it up and thundered back into Bengal territory, and then THAT was it.

But the best moment of the day wasn't the scoring or the final score or getting off the schnide - it was the sight of the Browns players and the Browns fans finally enjoying each other again.

Been too long.

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Stats

Time of Possession:  CIN - 30:03, CLE - 29:57

Total Yards:  CIN - 438, CLE - 328

Net Yards Passing:  CIN - 362, CLE - 218

Net Yards Rushing:  CLE - 110, CIN - 76

First Downs:  CIN - 20, CLE - 16

Turnovers Forced:  CLE – 4, CIN - 1

Sacks:  CLE - 2, CIN - 2

Final Score:  Cleveland 34, Cincinnati 24

Stats be lyin' this week.  Cincy outgained Cleveland by over 100?  Yeah, and a ton of that came after the Browns went up by 17 and settled into a soft time-killing zone.

10 INT's thus far this year is good for 3rd in the NFL.  Yardage-wise, this D is not good, but with sacks and turnovers, they're right up there.

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Game Balls

Josh Gordon – I keep hearing whining about the 2nd round pick given up to take him, so let's assume the Browns get a Top 5 pick and would have been choosing around #37 overall.  WR's picked around that spot in this year's draft?  AJ Jenkins (SF), Brian Quick (STL), Stephen Hill (NYJ), Alshon Jeffery (CHI), Ryan Broyles (DET).  Which one of those is markedly better than Gordon so far?  And Gordon missed the 2011 season, so he's still raw.  Works for me.

Montario Hardesty – In the most unexpected and jaw-dropping development of the year, zero-carry Montario enters the game and does more than hold his own.  Hit the hole fast, ran with some power, and that was an impressive vault on the TD.  He was huge in this game.

Offensive Line – Against 2 of the best Defensive fronts in the NFL the last 2 weeks (Giants and Bengals), the Browns gave up only 2 sacks (1 due missed assignment) and have given Weeden plenty of time to find receivers down the field.  Still not overpowering in the running game, but effective enough this week to keep Cincy off balance.

Joe Haden – Maybe not for his play, per se (although I thought he played fairly well), but just the huge difference his presence on the field makes to the Defense.

Sheldon Brown – And a solid game for this guy (whom I'm usually lambasting), including the excellent Pick 6.

Billy Winn – His stat line does not belie his effect on the game.  Consistently gets more penetration than any DL on the team, and should be even more fresh when he's part of a rotation once Phil Taylor and Ahtyba Rubin come back.

Jimmy Haslam – Welcome.

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Honorable Mention

Brandon Weeden – Happy Birthday from one redhead to another.  You still have plenty of room to develop, but man, if you do...

Josh Cooper – Solid in his debut.  Receivers that can actually catch are always welcome.

John Greco – Pinkston was sick, but we hardly even noticed.  If anything, what we did notice was better play.

Buster Skrine – Back out of the starting lineup, he appeared more in his comfort zone and played a solid game.  The Haden pick was his doing, and he had another slide through his hands.

Josh Cribbs – That 60 yard punt return really sparked the team.

Emmanuel Stephens – That sack perhaps saved the game, my friend.

The Defense – Gave up beaucoup yards and 24 points, but really kept the team in the game when the Offense was sputtering for most of the 2nd and 3rd Quarters.

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Hall of Shame

Usama Young – Nice whiff on the Gresham TD.

Jordan Cameron – Nice whiff blocking, resulted in a sack.

Frostee Rucker – Got blocked to his knees on one play, then made no effort to get back up, which was unfortunate because Dalton scrambled away from pressure right towards him so he would've had a sack had he given acceptable effort.

Phil Dawson –After having finally captured the lead at 20-14, you know the team's psyche is fragile, and you go and kick the ball out of bounds?  Nyet.

Reggie Hodges – There are decent Punters wandering the streets with "Will Kick For Food", so Reg better get his crap together real soon.

Pass Rush – Despite one of the seminal moments of the game being a sack/strip, they are just not getting to the QB enough the last couple weeks.

Pat Shurmur  – I thought he did an ah-ight job of play calling in this game (which is far superior to his usual, but still predictable), but, dude, you gotta work on that post-game speech.

Kevin Harlan – Must've called Hardesty "Ogbannaya" for half the game.

Continued Dome Talk – I hate domes.

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Just Shoot Yourself

Owned Marecic – Stating that he dropped a pass is redundant.

AND...

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Regarding Randy Lerner

The Randy Lerner era ended on Sunday, and may it Rest In Peace.

Since taking over in 2003 after the passing of his father, the Browns have racked up a 48-102 record in 9+ seasons.  One winning season.  Zero playoff appearances.  Double-digit losses in 8 of the 9 whole seasons.

It was quite fitting that Randy didn't even attend his last game.

Thanks for the memories.

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Regarding Shurmur's Future

So spake Peter King in this week's MMQB:

"Jimmy Haslam's purchase of the Browns will be approved Tuesday in Chicago. Then Haslam will get on with the business of deciding who will run his franchise in 2013 and beyond. I hope he looks long and hard at Pat Shurmur, who I think is a good man and coach. Not saying Haslam should keep him -- just saying he should think very seriously about it, because Shurmur's the kind of smart young coach, like Gary Kubiak was in Houston's rocky times, who is growing into a tough job."

I keep hearing how smart Shurmy is, and I always wonder if he was so smart why he keeps calling plays that a golden retriever could predict.  But if the Shurminator is truly going to save his job, he's going to have to do it by winning.  And if he's going to win, then he's going to have to improve on a regular basis.  And I'm fine with keeping an improved, winning Shumster.

His fate is truly in his own hands - as it should be.

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Regarding My Infallible Rankings

Now that we have entered Week 6, I feel there is enough data to release my calculated NFL rankings.

Said rankings are entirely based upon statistics, completely eschewing the opinion and preconception that normally accompanies such things.  There are 3 factors:

1. Average Point Differential Per Game: This is the number of points scored minus the number of points allowed divided by the number of games played.  If your team had won every game by 3 points and had played 6 games, then they would've scored 18 more points on the season than they allowed.  Bad teams will have a negative Average PDPG.

2. Average Points Scored Per Game:  This is simple and I don't need to explain it.

3. Average Points Allowed Per Game:  Likewise.

I rank each team in each of these 3 categories, combine the ranking numbers, then re-rank according to the sum of the 3 ranks.  It's a system I developed in 1986 at the age of 14, when I couldn't get enough football and I had plenty of spare time during my Government class.

And now that your attention span is drifting, here are the Top 10:

1. Chicago (#1 PDPG, #2 PF, #1 PA)

2. New York Giants (2,3,8)

3. Atlanta (3,6,7)

4. San Francisco (3,11,3)

5. Houston (3,5,9)

6. New England (6,1,17)

7. Baltimore (7,9,12)

8. Tampa Bay (8,16,6) - Yeah, the first shocker.  Apparently they barely lose in their losses and win big in their victories.

9. Denver (11,8,16) - Pending tonight's outcome.

10. Minnesota (9,15,11)

In case you were wondering (and I'm sure you were), the Browns are ranked #23, just ahead of Philly and Dallas followed by Carolina, Indy, Buffalo, Oakland, Tennessee, Jacksonville, and - of course - Kansas City.  Cleveland is 24th in Average Point Differential Per Game at -4.83 (CHI is first at 15.6, TEN is worst at -15), 19th in Average Points Scored Per Game with 22.33 (NE is first with 31.33, JAX last with 13), and 22nd in Average Points Allowed Per Game with 27.17 (CHI is first with 14.2, TEN last with 34).

Pittsburgh comes in at #18 and Cincy is tied for #19 with Detroit.

As I always like to point out, numbers often lie, and my personal feeling is that no way is Green Bay #11 and no way is Cleveland #23.  Yes, there are several teams that I feel the Browns are better than, but Philly, Dallas, and Carolina aren't amongst them.  However, numbers are objective, and they and I both agree that KC is the worst team in the league.

Shocking that a Romeo Crennel/Brian Daboll/Brady Quinn led team could be so poor.  Who could've seen that coming?

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Regarding Other Stats

In the last 5 games, the Browns have scored an average of 23.6 points per game and Brandon Weeden has thrown for 280.2 yards per game.  Compare that to last year, when between McCoy and Wallace the Browns averaged 13.63 points and 205.2 passing yards per contest.

That's progress, I don't care what your predisposition or agenda is.

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Regarding Art Appreciation

Here's a semi-famous painting from a semi-famous source.

If you are above the age of 30, you've likely seen this picture a zillion times from the intro to Cheers.  But have you looked at it closely?

Some interesting features:

1. One does not need to possess great powers of deduction to project what this middle aged man is thinking.

2. She doesn't hide her displeasure with her cohort, and quietly wonders how many stomps with her boot it would take to make the oatmeal seep out of her head.

3. Spilling wine on her dress, she will wake up tomorrow with a tremendous headache and one less kidney.

4, Random breasts.  There is no medium in which they are inappropriate.

5. He smells of formaldehyde and is right now wondering how he can convince that lovely creature to step outside with him so that she can eventually end up in the cage in his basement.

6. This man clearly wishes to remain anonymous.  His henchman will confiscate this picture later.

7. This is what happens when you mix alcohol with laudanum with absinthe.  Don't do that.

8. Not only is she unperturbed by the addict at her feet, but she is wearing a blue fur.  This just might be the Most Interesting Woman in the World.

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Regarding Whatever

***AJ Green pushed off on that 57 yard TD pass.

***AJ Green is also clearly a Top 5 WR and a huge difference maker in only his 2nd year.

***Mike Holmgren is apparently not going to be at the Owner's Meeting to swear Haslam in.  One must assume that thus ends the Holmgren era.

***And apparently Scott Fujita might be out for the season as well with a potentially career ending neck injury.  My first impulse is to make a snide remark, but I'll resist it and wish him well.  He'll be better off without football at this point and the team will be fine without him.

***Sounds like he'll never serve that suspension, though.

***It's probably an experience thing, since I've seen all the other rookie QB's do it too, but Weeden still has an issue with something going wrong and then going away/into the tank for a little while.  He needs to truly block that stuff out, not just tell us he does.

***It seemed evident that Richardson had an injury long before he came out, seeing as he was dancing on every freakin' run, something he hadn't done previously.

***Jay Feeley, Kicker for the Cardinals, demonstrates the NFL Agony & the Ecstasy.  Or, in his case, the Ecstasy & the Agony.  Hit a 61 yarder to tie the game late, then missed a 38 yarder as time expired to win it.  Cards lose in OT.

***Wow.  Hate to see all those injuries for the Ravens.  And Ray Lewis' career possibly being over?  Tsk tsk.

In other words, if you want someone to wax poetic about Ray Ray, you've come to the wrong place.  I appreciate that he was a great player, but - as with Modell - his departure from the game doesn't change his history.

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Next Up

Indianapolis Colts  (2-3). 

Not too far off last week, predicting a 31-27 Browns win.  Now, the Cleveland fan in me says that that means the Browns will assuredly have a letdown against the Colts and kill any kind of momentum in its infancy.  But then I think that Cleveland is just the more talented team.

Defensively, Indy is still trying to transition to the 3-4, and Chuck Pagano's absence isn't helping.  Indy has a Top 5 Pass D, but that's because they're allowing 160 yards per game Rushing.  Offensively, they can't run the ball at all.  Andrew Luck is certainly dangerous when he's on, but he's been a lot like Weeden so far - inconsistent.

This could easily go either way, but I think that the Browns force a couple turnovers and grind it out.

Browns 27, Colts 17.