Written by Jonathan Knight

---

In a surprising move guaranteed to excite overly enthusiastic sci-fi dorks and depressed Cleveland sports fans alike, the Browns have hired popular film/television producer and director J.J. Abrams as their new head coach.

“It’s very exciting to have J.J. aboard leading the charge as we set off on our sixth reboot of the series in the last 14 years,” said Browns owner Jimmy Haslam. “J.J. is the perfect man to helm this latest reconstruction. Beyond having such great instincts as a filmmaker, he has an intuitive understanding of the state-of-the-art special effects and cinematic slight of hand that will be necessary to make this team watchable.”

The announcement comes just days after Disney revealed that Abrams will direct the first of its new series of Star Wars films. Both Disney and the Browns are hoping Abrams can rescue a once-proud franchise that plummeted into disgrace and began colossally disappointing fans in 1999.

“Let’s face it, mistakes have been made,” Haslam said. “The Browns had Tim Couch, Star Wars had Jar-Jar Binks. The Browns had Mike Holmgren, Star Wars had midi-chlorians, whatever the fuck those are.

“Consequently, both franchises have stayed afloat financially by incessantly trotting out memories of the good old days to cover up their painfully obvious current defects and rekindle the loyalty of their desperate fans who - let’s face it - will spend money on anything associated with the franchise no matter how pathetic it gets.”

While admitting there’s much work ahead, Abrams is excited about the opportunity.

“To be part of the next chapter of the Cleveland Browns, to collaborate with Jimmy Haslam and Joe Banner and whichever back-slapping buddies he’s handed out jobs to, is an absolute honor,” said Abrams. “I may be even more grateful to the Cleveland Browns for their incompetence than I am to George Lucas for his.”

While a somewhat surprising choice because of his football inexperience, Abrams reportedly once attended a game in high school, which made him a more qualified candidate than recently fired Browns coach Pat Shurmur was when he was hired two years ago.

Plus, in 2006 Abrams stepped in to direct Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 3 after that series went off the rails, then wrote and directed the throwback thriller Super 8, which took place in Ohio - giving him a better geographic understanding of the fan base than any Browns coach since Paul Brown.

“Considering Abrams also recently resurrected the Star Trek film series,” Haslam said, “he clearly understands the essence of taking an irrelevant, utterly hopeless franchise and making it entertaining once again.”

Abrams has a proven track record of creating blockbuster movies and television shows that feature complex action, heartfelt drama, iconic heroes, and fantastic production values - all trademarks the Browns have lacked for decades.

He’s expected to take over day-to-day responsibilities with the Browns as soon as he puts the final touches on his latest blockbuster film, Star Trek: Into Darkness, whose title alone resonates with the city of Cleveland.

Randy Lerner, somehow playing the role of George Lucas in this absurd little allegory, commented, “I’ve consistently been impressed with J.J.’s ability to clean up other people’s messes. Granted, this one is a prairie fire. But atoning for my legacy of incompetence couldn’t be in better hands.”

Some have questioned whether Abrams will be able to successfully reignite two massively wayward franchises simultaneously. In response, Abrams noted that he served as executive producer on the television programs Alias and Felicity at the same time - though no one knows exactly what that means.

Others wonder which franchise will be easier to fix.

“They’ll both take some time,” Abrams stated. “With Star Wars, we’ll have to restructure a universe infiltrated with soulless, colorless, unentertaining characters and storylines that has been studded with highly unnecessary computer graphics and marketing pomposity. Same with the Browns, come to think of it, though without the iconic music of John Williams.”

Abrams is expected to fill out his coaching staff with some big names that will also generate fanboy hysteria. Renowned bounty hunter Boba Fett will be targeted for the role of offensive coordinator, while the ominous and mysterious Smoke Monster from the popular television series Lost has already been hired as defensive coordinator.

And when asked if he was sold on Brandon Weeden as his starting quarterback, Abrams shrugged and said, “Let’s put it this way: Hayden Christensen will not be in the next Star Wars movie.”

Haslam hopes fans see the Abrams hiring as a sign of exciting things to come.

“This is the kind of deliriousness Browns fans can expect now,” said Haslam, who coincidentally acquired the Browns at roughly the same time that Disney purchased the rights to the Star Wars franchise. “I mean, hiring a bespectacled guy with absolutely no head coaching experience based on name recognition alone? The Force definitely better be with us.”

If all goes well, Star Wars: Episode VII and the Browns’ ability to win more than five games in a season are both expected to become reality in 2015.

Follow @jknightwriter

​