Written by Chris Hutchison

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The NFL season fast approaches, and I haven't felt this much excitement for Training Camp since 1980.

At the beginning of the 1980 season, I was a 7 year old, and I had only a vague idea that the NFL even existed.  Unfortunately, that was soon to end, as the Kardiac Kids went on their storied run and I was immediately and permanently addicted.  I was also immediately and permanently indoctrinated into the repercussions of this addiction, as Red Right 88 taught me a formulative lesson on the pain that accompanies even the best Cleveland Browns seasons.  Had I been able to kick the habit then, I would've saved myself countless hours - nay, years - with that soulless needle in my arm.

Late last season, I retired from writing my weekly Browns review, The Browns Outsider, citing a tragically broken GiveAShit.  I assumed - even hoped - that the time off would heal the thing, but somehow it didn't even come close.  I mean if the only things in life I care about are my family and house/yard projects, then I am destined to become a very dull fellow indeed.  But I can't feign interest that doesn't exist.  It's reality at this point - the last time I GaveAShit less has to have been 1980.

Will Sharknado Mingo be in camp on time?  Meh.  Will Brandon Weeden make a leap in season two?  Shrug.  Who will win the Training Camp battle at, say, TE?  Jordan Cameron, I guess.  Or Cameron Jordan.  Or some scrub that will do a less-than-adequate job, you know, the way the Browns usually fill their needs.

My attitude has become so bad that the idea of writing a Training Camp Preview article is completely abhorrent to me, like asking me "Chris, would you like to watch a video of your mother being eaten by sea lions?"

(No, I would not.)

Logically, my interest in the NFL as a whole should plummet proportionally, but the gents in the league office have done a top notch job keeping people addicted to the overall product even if they've gone cold turkey on their team of choice.  There are still football pools, bets against the spread, fantasy football, video games, social media discussions.  I still spend/waste as much time of Browns-related message boards as I ever have, even if my motivations are different (mocking fools vs. attempting genuine discussion).

Thus, I present to you the initial 2013 NFL Power Rankings.  Which are as meaningful to your life as the Pope's sperm is to a bald eagle in the Yukon.

These rankings are not based on the HERO system (that's my system's name, if you are new to it being mentioned, sorry I don't feel like rehashing the backstory), although I did limit myself to placing each team no more than +/- 3 spots from their year-end 2012 HERO rankings.  So there could be a team that you will look at and say "Hey there now!  That team should really be a... a... a whole lot higher!" (I imagine this being said in a Jimmy Stewart voice for some reason), and my response will likely be "I too think they should be higher, but I can't move them any higher than they are, I have to follow the artificial restraints of the sham system that I made up", or, possibly (more accurately) "A preseason rankings list isn't worth my time to actually bother THINKING about."

	2012 Results
Team	Record	Rank PF	Rank PA	Final Rank	2013 Rank	Note
Denver	13-3	2	4	1	1	This is assuming of course that Peyton Manning doesn't fall off that cliff that's he's so rapidly approaching.  Last year may have been his 2007 Jamal Lewis season, and we all remember what happened to Jamal in 2008.
Seattle	11-5	9	1	4	2	The only reason I had them skip the ultra-talented 49'ers was that they owned the Niners last year.  And they happen to be ultra-talented themselves.  Oh, and as much as I love Colin Kaepernick, I get the feeling he's a headcase waiting to happen.
San Francisco	11-4-1	11	2	5	3	One uncalled Defensive Holding/Pass Interference call from being defending Super Bowl champs, the Niners might struggle a bit at times this year because of the bullseye they have and the difficult division in which they play.
Atlanta	13-3	7	5	3	4	I don't really like them this high.  They have talent, for sure, but I just don't buy this team, even though they finally won a playoff game.  But I just couldn't figure out who to put ahead of them.
New England	12-4	1	9	2	5	The fact that they're at 5 is only because this is the lowest I could drop them.  Aaron Hernandez is getting organic colonoscopies, Rob Gronkowski is injury-prone and dances badly, Tim Tebow is there to make it a circus… ugh.
Green Bay	11-5	5	11	7	6	Green Bay finally got themselves a (supposed) legit threat at RB with the drafting of Trent Richardson-clone Eddie Lacy, and they still have Aaron Rodgers.  If that D can show any kind of improvement, they'll be a contender.
Houston	12-4	8	9	6	7	Overall, they're a solid team that doesn't have much in the Wow Department.  Neither did Baltimore last year really, showing that if even an unexciting QB like Matt Schaub gets hot at the right time and the Football Gods are merciful, you can win it all.
Chicago	10-6	16	3	8	8	This is another team that I didn't know what to do with.  Do I think they're a Top 10 team?  Not really.  But there was no one behind them that I was convinced would leap up and tear 'em down.  And they do have a solid team.
Washington	10-6	4	22	12	9	Again, this is dependent on RG3's ability to stay healthy.  I think he's an electrifying player that will have a sadly short career, but this might be the one season he both survives and thrives.  And in a relatively weak NFC East…
Cincinnati	10-6	12	8	9	10	A solid, decent, boring team with few weaknesses (but few strengths).  They're the Texans Lite.  I think these team is poised for another 9 win season and an early playoff exit, but in this year's crapshoot AFC North, I guess you never know.
N.Y. Giants	9-7	6	12	10	11	This team showed a buttload of holes last year as they floundered around and eventually missed the playoffs altogether.  Generally, they rebound after a bad year and might even make a deep run, but as weak as they might be, this is as high as I can go.
Baltimore	10-6	10	12	11	12	I don't think this team was all that good last year and just prospered from lucky breaks, good matchups, and timely QB play.  I don't think they will be as fortunate this year, especially after losing the amount of talent (and leadership) they did.
Indianapolis	11-5	18	21	15	13	I don't care what the stats look like, Andrew Luck is going to be a great QB in this league for a long time and prove how wise Indy was to flush Peyton when they did.  And with a talent like that at QB, you will be dangerous even though your overall talent level isn't quite there yet.
New Orleans	7-9	3	31	16	14	After a season of feeling pathetically sorry for themselves (this goes for Saints fans too), the team should rebound and become dangerous yet again in 2013.  Unlike Peyton, I don't see Brees ready to fall off a cliff anytime soon.
Pittsburgh	8-8	22	6	14	15	I'd like to flush this team that keeps losing talent and replacing it with nothing but seemingly mediocre draft picks, but as long as Piece of Shit is back there sidestepping traffic and throwing up long balls, I just can't pull the handle.
Minnesota	10-6	14	14	13	16	This is a very solid team that has a very questionable QB, and until he can gain some consistency - and I mean just SOME consistency - they will never be anything more than a mid-pack Wildcard contender at best.
Carolina	7-9	18	18	19	17	Without offensive supergenius Rob Chudzinski leading the way, Cam Newton is bound to fall into a pit of stupid play and throw at least 35 picks.  Or they will look a lot like they did last year and be a non-playoff team again.  Hard to tell.
Miami	7-9	27	7	20	18	They spent elite money on non-elite guys in Free Agency, and everyone is expecting/hoping that Tannehill takes the "next step" in 2013.  Miami is one of those teams that I think you're foolish to ASSUME they'll take a next step, so until they do...
St. Louis	7-8-1	25	14	22	19	Jeff Fisher is a damn good coach, and this was the best bad team in the league by the end of last season.  They got a couple of very enticing playmakers in Austin and Ogletree, and had all their draft picks signed in JUNE.  So refreshing when a Front Office doesn't try to prove how smart they are all the damn time.  They'd be higher if I was allowed.
San Diego	7-9	20	16	17	20	Without offensive supergenius Norv Turner leading the way, Phillip Rivers is bound to fall into a pit of stupid play and throw at least 40 picks.  Or this team has been dying for years due to AJ Smith sucking ass and it will take a few for them to recover.
Tampa Bay	7-9	13	23	18	21	I'm not exactly sure what to do with them, so I stuck them here.  I feel kind of bad giving them the max 3 spot downgrade, but there weren't a ton of teams around them that I felt comfortable putting them above, and that Josh Freeman guy is such an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a fajita.
Dallas	8-8	15	24	21	22	The Romo guy is a problem.  You can't win it all with him, but you can't just dump him either.  He's a Jay Cutler - just good enough that he entices you, but you know he's gonna fuck you somewhere along the line (not in a pleasant way).  It takes huge balls to dump a guy like that, and your fans will go apeshit if it doesn't pay off right away.
Buffalo	6-10	21	26	24	23	To me, EJ Manuel was clearly the best QB in the draft and will be an enticing prospect going forward.  But until I see how he performs in the NFL, I can't assume anything at that spot, and if they're just as inconsistent QB-wise (at least this year), they'll be about as shitty.
Cleveland	5-11	24	19	23	24	There are way too many question marks around this team to put them any higher.  There isn't any one unit you look at and say "I KNOW we're good there."  Not ONE.  And it goes right up to Owner.  With that many questions, some of the answers are bound to be bad.
Arizona	5-11	31	17	27	25	In these realms, you usually see either bad QB's or unknown QB's that have the potential to be bad.  Carson Palmer is the former, with a caveat - he once was pretty decent.  Bad QB's that once were decent sometimes recover enough muscle memory for a good game here and there, and the rest of this team has potential.
Tennessee	6-10	23	32	28	26	Twenty-six is gracious for a team that has Jake Locker as their QB.  But I figure that either he'll be who he is and get benched for Ryan Fitzpatrick - who's, well..decent - or he'll be about as good as Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Either way... meh.
Detroit	4-12	17	27	25	27	I'm one of the few people that will tell you that this team won't be good because their QB blows hippos.  Most people seem to be laboring under the impression that Matt Stafford is "really good" and just needs some weapons.  The only reason that at least his numbers don't suck is that he has the best weapon in the NFL in Calvin Johnson.  And that's not enough to keep him from sinking this team.
Kansas City	2-14	32	25	31	28	This is one of those sexy picks to go worst-to-first.  I don't buy it.  This wasn't one of the worst teams in history last year just because of Romeo Crennel.  They have some nice skill players, but they also have a lot of fundamental weaknesses.  And Alex Smith is mediocre.
N.Y. Jets	6-10	28	20	26	29	Mark Sanchez or Geno Smith?  Ugh.  Why?  That's like choosing which ball you want infected with rotten fungus that causes painful swelling and discoloration.  And who da fuck do they throw to?
Oakland	4-12	26	28	29	30	This is a lazy choice, but their QB is either Matt Flynn or Terrelle Pryor, so they're gonna have to suck.
Philadelphia	4-12	29	29	30	31	Chip Kelly is a slimeball suckwad that thinks he's smarter than everyone else on earth and will try to "revolutionize" the NFL, which will lead to a team that is exciting to watch as much for the awful things that happen to them as much as their big plays.  Does it do me a disservice to admit that I can't wait for this team to fail?  I don't care.
Jacksonville	2-14	30	29	32	32	Blaine Gabbert or Chad Henne?  Ugh.  Why?  That's like choosing which foot you want gnawed off by an earthquake filled with piranha.