Written by Chris Hutchison

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This is usually the part of my rankings articles where I briefly discuss the previous week's Browns game.  Since there was no Browns game this week (the last one they played was more meaningless than my 7th grade self pledging eternal devotion to a photo of Elle MacPherson while locked in the upstairs bathroom), I instead will foretell the future; I will channel the average Browns fan during Sunday's Titanic Contest with the Dolphins of Miami.

"What the... Why?  Fuck!  FUCK!!!!  You gotta be fu... you gotta be kiddin' me!  OH MY GOD.  Why would you do that?  Why?  Who did you think you were throwing to?  OH MY GOD.  This team is WORSE THAN LAST YEAR!  Jesus H Jehovah's Witness Mother Fucking Dude Ranch Dressing Olive Garden Son Of A Bitch!  Awwww... fuck this, I'm [leaving/changing the channel/castrating myself so I never have to worry about having children who will have to watch this shit]."

Deny it if you will, you know it to be true.  And it has everything to do with the perpetual reincarnation of this fella:

Hello, my name's Browns Front Office.  And my mom told me that there are chores I haven't done yet.  Like I don't have a starting quality 2nd Corner.  Or Free Safety.  I also haven't really dealt with the Guard position, or established any kind of depth at Tight End, or even bothered to open my Big Book of Punters and Kickers (my teachers keep telling me I'll need to know about them some day, but I think they're dumbasses - I'm gonna be a rock star, I don't knead to know nuthin'.)

I was gonna get off the couch and deal with all these stupid "things that grownups have to do", but then I got to the bonus level of Bad Piggies, so I just think you're gonna have to deal with 32 undrafted Free Agents and 86 players in either their first or second years (most taken after we put our draft tracker on "Auto").

Oh, and by the way, things will be different this year.  I know it doesn't seem like we're doing anything differently - in fact, in many ways, worse - than our predecessors, but I told you that this is NOT business as usual!

Did Mike Holmgren ever promise you that?

What do you mean "he did"?

Well he didn't say anything about "sustainable success", did he?

Yeah, I know he promised that his "Five year plan" would do pretty much the same thing, but did he use the EXACT words "SUSTAINABLE SUCCESS*"?

Didn't think so.  Ka-Pow!

*Sustainable success could take longer than a five year plan, all rights reserved.

And now that I've shot my wad on that topic, here are my "thoughts" on the rest of the National Football League:

	2012 Results
Team	Record	Rank PF	Rank PA	Final Rank	2013 Rank	Note
Seattle	11-5	9	1	4	1	Solid and explosive all around, just like their NFC West-mate San Fran.  Except they owned San Fran last year.
San Francisco	11-4-1	11	2	5	2	Same as above except they can't overcome the superior hatred those in Seattle hold for those in Northern CA.  That, and they made Colt McCoy their backup QB, and any Super Bowl contending team that makes that kind of horrific decision is bound to make others.
Atlanta	13-3	7	5	3	3	A lot of people have them in the top spot, and there's good arguments why.  But I think their NFC-best record was due more to playing in a weak division than truly being the best - both SEA and SF spotted them big leads in the playoffs and they still almost lost both games.  Farg, one game they DID lose.
New England	12-4	1	9	2	4	Well, they lost their Tight End Double Threat (sounds like porn I don't want to watch), but they still have Tom Brady, who could make an offense starting Tom Arnold and John Malkovich at WR sing, and their Defense will be improved.  Not to mention they are in one of the weakest divisions in football, so late in the season they'll be able to pad their win total and get healthy.
Cincinnati	10-6	12	8	9	5	I'm finally buying into this team.  They're way too talented for me to pretend any more.  I say this, and then they probably go out and tank.  Which I'm secretly fine with.  Bandwagon Bengal fan is almost as annoying as Bandwagon Steeler fan.
Baltimore	10-6	10	12	11	6	Sadly, the reports of their death have been greatly exaggerated.  A lot of the guys they parted with were juuuuust this close to falling off an age-production cliff.  And they found plenty of solid vets to take their place.  And now that Joe the Flacco feels he's Aaron Rodgers Deux, well, confidence in a physically skilled QB can sometimes lead to competence.  Fuck.
Green Bay	11-5	5	11	7	7	This team is like the Giants - one year, they are inconsistent and blow fat goats and barely miss the playoffs.  The next, they are inconsistent and blow skinny goats and make the playoffs and get hot at just the right time and streak their way to a Lombardi (TM Vince, Mike should change his name).  Not sure what they do this year, but they'll be a playoff team, which means they'll be a dangerous floater.
Denver	13-3	2	4	1	8	I had them #1 in my first preseason poll.  There's really not a lot that has happened for me to drop them, other than Von Miller getting himself suspended and my sneaking suspicion that Peyton Manning finally shows his age this year, sinking their trophy hopes and sending them ingraciously into the Brock Osweiler Era, which will be kind of like the Jay Cutler Era except less good.
Houston	12-4	8	9	6	9	They are a solid team that isn't special in any way.  I thihk they are a better overall team than their divisional foes, the Colts.  But I think the Colts win the division anyway.  Why do I think such a fool thing?  Call it a Butch Davis' Gut feeling.
Chicago	10-6	16	3	8	10	Good Defense.  Good RB.  Good WR's.  But mediocre-at-best OL.  And Jay Cutler.
N.Y. Giants	9-7	6	12	10	11	Carbon copy the Green Bay thing.
Indianapolis	11-5	18	21	15	12	Andrew Luck is the kind of QB that adds 4 or 5 wins to your team automatically.  Maybe more.  They're still not un-weak in certain key areas, and still pretty young, but that won't keep them from another year as viable playoff contender.
Washington	10-6	4	22	12	13	I haven't seen him play a down this year yet, but I think RG3 does one of two things this year:  1) he plays more conservatively in order to avoid getting injured, hurting his overall performance, or 2) he plays with his same reckless abandon and gets injured, hurting his overall performance.
St. Louis	7-8-1	25	14	22	14	So tempted to put them higher.  Solid defense.  Sam Bradford is an underrated QB (mainly cuz injury-wise he's snowflake-esque).  They have some weapons, they're fast, they have a good coach.  But that division… if they just played in the AFC West.
New Orleans	7-9	3	31	16	15	Their shitty ways last year weren't all on missing Uber-Genius Sean Payton.
Dallas	8-8	15	24	21	16	Always the talented underacheiver.  And that's about all I have to say about that.
Pittsburgh	8-8	22	6	14	17	They're just not going to be that good.  For the first time in forever, I feel confident in saying this will be a meh team, if they're lucky.  Bad OL, RB situation sucks, TE hurt, Defense aging faster than Lindsay Lohan… I'd put them lower, but the teams after this are even less enticing.
Minnesota	10-6	14	14	13	18	Until Christian Ponder shows that he's better than Christian Ponder, they stay down here.
Carolina	7-9	18	18	19	19	One of those teams that I refuse to believe in until they prove they are real.  Like Santa, or every God that was ever imagined.
Arizona	5-11	31	17	27	20	Actually kinda feel like this team won't be overly bad this year.  They have kinda decent guys at lots of spots.  Not a bad D either.  But trying to resurrect Kurt Warner's ghost by bringing in Carson Palmer?  See, Warner was HoF-quality earlier in his career.  Palmer was never anything better than HoPrettyGood.
Tampa Bay	7-9	13	23	18	21	They've got some skill players that are inconsistent but can be dangerous at times.  They're one of those teams that could be anywhere from 6-10 to 10-6.  Law of averages says 8-8, and every bit of that mediocre record.
Tennessee	6-10	23	32	28	22	If Jake Locker looks improved in any way, this team could be better.  But he's like a rich man's version of Tim Tebow - he's never been a good passer in his life, so why do we think he can develop into one?
Miami	7-9	27	7	20	23	I was somewhat wrong in my Ryan Tannehill assessment last year.  I thought he would suck a lot worse.  But as decent as he can be, he's not ready to CARRY a team with that kind of OL problem.
Cleveland	5-11	24	19	23	24	And on the Seventh Day, right before he got some rest, God decided he might as well pick up a Kicker since even He needed to have someone at that position.  Joe Banner, however, waited until the Eighth Day.  Just because he could.
Detroit	4-12	17	27	25	25	Matthew Stafford.  That's all I need to say.
Kansas City	2-14	32	25	31	26	Alex Smith is better than the Flayed Duo of Brady Quinn/Matt Cassell.  But he's not a turn-your-franchise-around-instantly kind of guy, and that's what it would take for them to have a winning record this year.
Philadelphia	4-12	29	29	30	27	Their Defense sucks and Mike Vick will be hurt by Week 5, paving the way for gag-inducing attempts by Nick Foles and Matt Barkely to run Chip Kelly's ADHD Offense.
Buffalo	6-10	21	26	24	28	I'd put them higher, but EJ Manuel was out most of the preseason, and after Kevin Kolb got hurt they were giving serious playing time - maybe even the Opening Day start - to some guy whose name I can't remember.  Bob Tool?  I think that's it.  Yeah, they're gonna be bad.
San Diego	7-9	20	16	17	29	Philly Rivers is making his way slowly across the River Styx, and it won't be long before he reaches the other side, career-wise.  Then every last receiver he had to throw to got hurt, his starting RB is as fragile as virginity in a whorehouse, and the Defense is on a scenic cruise south to Puerto de Mierda.  Lucky for them, they are in the same division with the Raiders.
Jacksonville	2-14	30	29	32	30	There's really no reason to talk about this team.
Oakland	4-12	26	28	29	31	Sometimes you wonder if they're really trying.  Like maybe they're doing the Major League thing where if they get below a certain attendance number they can relocate to Los Angeles (again).  That Rich Gannon Super Bowl season must seem like a century ago.
N.Y. Jets	6-10	28	20	26	32	The New York sports press must be chomping at the bit - this could easily be the most entertaining season in Jets history.  And all because they will be horribly, epically bad.  But no one will turn away from a car wreck this brutal, oh no.  Everyone will stop and stare and pop open their smart phones so they can Facebook and Tweet the disaster they see.  I can't blame them.  If the Jets are playing, I'll watch too.  It's like watching a public abortion - it's something that should remain behind closed doors, but if they're gonna do it in a stadium, then, hell, when's the next time I'll see something as fucked up as this?