Written by Chris Hutchison

---

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Trevor and Sheila sit on stools at a bar, watching the MNF game between the Colts and the Broncos on the big screen in front of them.  The game goes to commercial, and Sheila drains what’s left of her beer while Trevor watches TV and shakes his head irritably.

Trevor:  That’s just terrible.

Sheila:  What?

Trevor:  ‘Floasted’.  Some dude who works for an ad agency and makes like 5 times what we do gets paid all that money to come up with ‘floasted’.  Fucking floasted.  Sounds like something so nasty you have to pay a hooker to do it to you.

Sheila:  Yeah, that commercial really blows.

Trevor:  Can you imagine the Quiznos guys sitting in on the ad agency presentation and getting THAT pitch? (opens his mouth and rolls his eyes back in his head)

Sheila (laughing):  I bet they felt like they just got floasted.

Mark comes trotting up, taking off his jacket and plopping down next to Sheila.

Mark:  Hey guys, sorry I’m late.  What’d I miss?

Trevor:  Trent Richardson still sucks.

Sheila:  Yeah, we really floasted Indy on that deal.

Mark:  Huh?

Sheila:  Never mind.  Why’re you late?

Mark:  Uh, well… it’s kinda stupid.  I was yelling at the radio and not paying attention and I hit a board in the road and got a flat tire.

Trevor:  You were yelling at the radio?  Did you think they could they hear you?

Sheila:  Why were you yelling?

Mark:  Bruce Hooley was on there, and he said something that really blew my gasket.

Trevor:  Oh, yeah, he’s been sucking extra hard lately.

Sheila:  What’d he say?

Mark:  He was going on and on about how the Browns should draft Johnny Manziel next year.

Trevor, who had been taking a drink of beer, spits it out all over the bar.

Sheila:  Bruce, Bruce, never go full retard, baby.

Trevor:  Manziel?  Christ.

Mark (speaking quickly):  I know, I know, I shoulda just changed the channel.  But I was like “What?  Do you understand the words that are coming out of your mouth!  Huh?  HUH??!!”  I just don’t get how these people don’t see how much of disaster that dude is gonna be.  It's just like those people that didn't see Tebow sucking coming.

Sheila:  It’s cuz they’re floasted in the head, Mark.  Distracted by shiny objects.

Trevor:  They’re just desperate, that’s all.

Sheila (tapping her head):  Insane in the membrane.

Mark (looks back and forth between them):  Anyway, I had to stop and change the tire and just got here.  Can’t believe the Colts are winning!

Trevor:  Yeah, it’s been pissing us off, since the Colts are supposed to be losing these damn games and making our pick better.

Mark:  I know.  Their Defense is crazy.

Trevor:  And Sheila’s been drinking heavily since about 5 minutes into the Browns game, so she’s in a great mood to start with.

Sheila grunts and smiles slightly.

Mark (to Sheila):  You think they’re gonna bench Weeden, then?

Sheila (shrugs):  Who cares?

Trevor (to Mark):  This is the part where after every loss she stops caring.

Sheila:  My caring isn’t gonna make them less floasted.

Mark:  So you’re just giving up?

Sheila (sighing):  What’d I say before the season?

Mark:  I don’t know.

Trevor:  I wasn’t listening.

Sheila:  I said they were tanking.  They knew they had a bunch of holes and they refused to address them.  That’s why I was so angry at the opener, cuz I knew this whole season was just a throw-away.  They can get away with that this year because they’re “seeing what they have”, but what it really is is identifying a few players that can help them down the road while setting the team up to fail enough that they can finally get their QB in the draft.  At least I hope that’s what this is, otherwise I’ll have to drive down to Berea and shoot Banner myself.

Trevor:  They’re only a game under .500!  Only 2 games out of first place with half the season still to go, and you want them to tank!

Sheila:  I doesn’t matter what I want, they’re gonna lose a whole shitload of games no matter what.  The Defense looks like it couldn’t stop a tricycle rolling uphill, the run game is as effective as using prayer as a birth control device, Josh Gordon suddenly got Braylon Edwards disease, and your QB could be replaced by some homeless guy and no one would notice.  This team’s goin’ down the shitter fast.  So, yeah, if you’re gonna suck, make it fucking count.

Mark:  I gotta say, I agree with that, I think.

Trevor:  You’re both crazy.  You never root against your team.  Never.  You were saying the same shit when they were 0-2, and then they won 3 in a row.

Sheila:  Do you think they’re going to win 3 in a row now?

Trevor:  No, not with Weeden at QB, but if they go to Jason Campbell…

Sheila:  Ugh.  Jason Campbell.  Please.

Trevor:  That’s what you said before they put Hoyer in, and if he had stayed healthy they’d probably be in the playoffs.

Sheila:  Oh, Jesus H Christ in a hot air balloon!  Hoyer has two mediocre games and suddenly the Browns are Super Bowl contenders if he hadn’t gotten hurt.  Bullshit!  That guy would’ve gotten exposed.  Just because he looked great in comparison to the Human Incompletion doesn’t mean he’s anything more than competent.  They still lose to the Lions and Packers with Hoyer.  This team needs a fucking Real Franchise QB, not some bullshit place holder Chad Pennington fucktoast!

Trevor:  We’ll have to disagree on that, but, regardless, I’d rather see Campbell than Weeden.

Sheila:  Oh, sure, I’d rather watch a goat sleep for 3 hours than watch Weeden play another game.  Who knew he could be worse in his 30’s than he was in his 20’s?  It’s just that none of the guys that we could put in there are gonna be enough of an improvement for me to care which one they put in there.

Mark:  I’d actually rather they pick up Matt Leinart than play Campbell.

Sheila:  Matt Leinart, Vince Young… hell, if you wanna keep it interesting, just start a different QB every week.  It’ll be like The Love Boat, we could have a guest QB start each week.  “Please watch a very special episode of Cleveland Browns football, guest starring Tim Tebow as The Inaccurate Passer.”

Mark:  I’d watch that episode.  He could dress like a priest and save a depressed teenager with acne from drowning herself.

Sheila:  And at the end come to terms with his own homosexuality.

Trevor (rolling eyes):  Here we go with your Tebow-is-gay theory again...

Sheila:  OK, that's a conversation for another day.  I’m just saying that would be a good way for the team to both keep sucking AND pique fans’ interest while still pretending to be trying to win.  It’ll be like dangling colorful string, “Look here!  Don’t pay any attention to how much the defense sucks up the middle or how shitty the O line has become!”

Trevor:  Listen, they’re gonna bench Weeden, shock the Chiefs next week, move to 4-4, and then be right back in the wildcard picture.  I know KC is undefeated, but that team is super-overrated, they almost just lost to some QB in his first start ever, Alex Smith still is lame, and they won’t take the Browns seriously and we’ll jump ‘em.

Sheila:  Ha!  Have you seen their Defense?  Alex Smith can pass for 10 yards and their D will still make sure they win by 20 no matter what crap QB the Browns throw at them.

Trevor:  I’m tellin’ ya.  This time next week, everyone’s gonna be on the Campbell Train.  Woo woo!

Sheila:  If I thought there were ANY chance of that happening, I’d abandon my “suck for a QB” line.  But Campbell’s a tank, not a train.  They’re all tanks.  We’re floasted, kids.  Cheers.

She raises her glass to them in a toast and drinks it down.

****************

As for the rankings... the Aquatic Hawks took over the top position from the overrated Tribal Leaders, a team about to be crushed by the Muddy Colors this Sunday.  As for those Colors... well, they continue to sink back down the charts at #22 this week (26th points for, 17th points against, 20th in differential).  Sigh.

Two things that really captured my attention when compiling this:

1. Tribal Leaders allowing about 11.5 points allowed per game.

2. Horsies scoring an AVERAGE of 42.5 points per game, about 12 points more per game than the 2nd highest scoring team (Ursas).  Whoa.

Team	Wins	Losses	Ties	WP	Avg_PF	Avg_PA	Diff	Rank_PF	Rank_PA	Rank_Final
Seattle	6	1	0	.857	27.29	16.57	75	5	3	1
Kansas City	7	0	0	1.000	24.14	11.57	88	12	1	2
New Orleans	5	1	0	.833	26.83	17.17	58	6	4	3
Indianapolis	5	2	0	.714	26.71	18.71	56	7	6	4
Denver	6	1	0	.857	42.57	28.14	101	1	27	5
Green Bay	4	2	0	.667	28.00	21.17	41	4	12	6
San Francisco	5	2	0	.714	25.14	19.29	41	11	7	7
Dallas	4	3	0	.571	28.57	22.14	45	3	16	8
Carolina	3	3	0	.500	23.17	13.83	56	15	2	9
New England	5	2	0	.714	21.71	18.14	25	20	5	10
San Diego	4	3	0	.571	24.00	20.57	24	14	9	11
Cincinnati	5	2	0	.714	21.14	19.29	13	22	8	12
Detroit	4	3	0	.571	26.57	23.86	19	8	21	13
Chicago	4	3	0	.571	30.43	29.43	7	2	28	14
Baltimore	3	4	0	.429	21.43	21.14	2	21	11	15
Tennessee	3	4	0	.429	20.71	20.86	-1	23	10	16
Miami	3	3	0	.500	22.50	23.33	-5	17	20	17
Atlanta	2	4	0	.333	25.50	26.17	-4	9	23	18
Buffalo	3	4	0	.429	22.71	25.43	-19	16	22	19
N.Y. Jets	4	3	0	.571	19.14	23.14	-28	24	19	20
Philadelphia	3	4	0	.429	24.14	28.00	-27	12	26	21
Cleveland	3	4	0	.429	18.71	22.29	-25	26	17	22
St. Louis	3	4	0	.429	22.29	26.29	-28	18	24	23
Arizona	3	4	0	.429	19.00	23.00	-28	25	18	24
Pittsburgh	2	4	0	.333	17.83	22.00	-25	28	13	25
Washington	2	4	0	.333	25.33	30.67	-32	10	30	26
Oakland	2	4	0	.333	17.50	22.00	-27	29	13	27
Tampa Bay	0	6	0	.000	14.50	22.00	-45	31	13	28
Minnesota	1	5	0	.167	22.00	30.17	-49	19	29	29
Houston	2	5	0	.286	17.43	27.71	-72	30	25	30
N.Y. Giants	1	6	0	.143	18.00	30.86	-90	27	31	31
Jacksonville	0	7	0	.000	10.86	31.71	-146	32	32	32