Written by Chris Hutchison

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INT. CAR – DAY

Trevor is driving his tan Oldsmobuick down the street, his 13 year old son, Chad, sitting next to him.  Sheila sits in the back seat, gnawing on a hunk of beef jerky and seemingly oblivious to the uncomfortable silence in the car between a father who doesn’t know how to talk to his teenage son anymore and a teenage son who is perfectly happy to sit in silence.

Trevor:  So… how’s school?

Chad:  Fine.

Trevor:  You like your teachers?

Chad:  They’re fine.

Trevor:  Any of them you like more than the others?

Chad:  Uhhhhh… not really.

Trevor:  What’s your favorite subject?

Chad:  Uhhhh…

Sheila:  For God’s sake, man!  He’s 13.  He’d rather be in Syria than talk about school stuff!

Chad smiles.

Trevor (annoyed):  Just askin’!  He does spend like 80% of his life there.

Sheila:  How was work today, Trevor?

Trevor:  What?

Sheila:  Anything interesting happen?

Trevor:  Nooo…

Sheila:  Any paperwork you liked more than the others?

Chad grins as he sees what Sheila is doing.  So does Trevor.  He shakes his head and glances over at his son.

Trevor:  What a bitch, huh?

Chad looks like he’s working himself up to something.

Chad:  Are you two a couple?

Sheila:  He wishes.

Trevor rolls his eyes and shakes his head at his Chad as if to say let’s not go there.

Chad:  I mean… I don’t want to… it’s just Mom thought you were.

Trevor (angry):  She did, did she?  I’m sure that she…

Sheila (cutting him off):  Nope!

Trevor (angrier):  What I’m trying to say is…

Sheila:  Huh uh!

Trevor glances back at her, then stews.  He regains his temper enough to attempt  to move past the subject.

Trevor:  Are you watching the Browns game this weekend?

Chad:  There is no Browns game this weekend.

Trevor:  Oh, that’s right.  Forgot they were on a Bye.

Sheila:  Dumb ass.

Chad:  Yeah, if the Bengals lose this week, and then the Browns beat them in 2 weeks, I think they’ll only be a half game out of first.

Trevor:  So Sheila told me.

Chad:  Would that be the first time that the Battle of Ohio meant anything since… like… the 70’s?

Sheila:  Well, first, it was the 80’s, and second, the “Battle of Ohio” is a misnomer.

Chad:  What?

Sheila:  Yes.  You see, Cincinnati isn’t actually in Ohio.

Trevor turns and looks back at Sheila with a whatdafuckyoutalkinbout look.

Chad:  It’s not?

Sheila:  Nope.  That’s Kentucky.  They border on the Ohio river – thus the name “Battle of Ohio” – but the state of Ohio is not responsible for that Kentucky mess.

Chad:  It’s in Kentucky?

Sheila:  Damn right.

Chad:  Are you sure?

Sheila:  Positive.  No way would Ohio put up with what goes on there.  Did you know that the Nazi party was founded in Cincinnati?  And cannibalism?

Chad:  Huh?

Sheila:  Al Queda too.  And Barry Manilow.

Chad (to Trevor):  Is she just messin’ with me?

Trevor (sighs):  I wish she was right, Chad.  But, sadly, Cincy is part of Ohio.

Chad:  I thought so.

Trevor:  They are responsible for Al Queda, though.

Sheila (sitting forward, nodding seriously, and pointing her finger):  And Barry Manilow!

***********

The Browns are at #20 in the last rankings as they ping-pong their way around the middle-to-lower regions of the charts (where they belong).  Some may complain about the ranking, but it was done impartially - Cleveland is tied for 19th in Winning Percentage, 26th in Average Points Scored, 20th in Point Differential... I don't know what you want me to say.  20.  That's what they are.

KC fell to third despite winning (ugly) yet another game, and San Fran crawled back up to 2 after spending a good portion of the season in unforeseen areas.  But their nemesis Seattle is above them at the top spot, which they somehow retained outside of a horrific effort against Tampa, at home no less (though I think the Bucs are desperate to win a game and a nice pick right now).

The rankings...

Team	Wins	Losses	Ties	WP	Avg_PF	Avg_PA	Diff	Rank_PF	Rank_PA	Rank_Final
Seattle	8	1	0	.889	25.78	16.56	83	10	3	1
San Francisco	6	2	0	.750	27.25	18.13	73	5	4	2
Kansas City	9	0	0	1.000	23.89	12.33	104	17	1	3
New Orleans	6	2	0	.750	27.00	18.25	70	7	5	4
Carolina	5	3	0	.625	25.50	13.25	98	12	2	5
Indianapolis	6	2	0	.750	26.75	19.38	59	8	7	6
New England	7	2	0	.778	26.00	19.44	59	9	8	7
Denver	7	1	0	.875	42.88	27.25	125	1	25	8
Green Bay	5	3	0	.625	29.00	23.13	47	3	14	9
Cincinnati	6	3	0	.667	24.11	18.44	51	15	6	10
Dallas	5	4	0	.556	28.56	23.22	48	4	15	11
Detroit	5	3	0	.625	27.13	24.63	20	6	18	12
Chicago	5	3	0	.625	30.00	28.25	14	2	29	13
San Diego	4	4	0	.500	24.00	21.75	18	16	11	14
Tennessee	4	4	0	.500	21.63	20.88	6	20	9	15
Baltimore	3	5	0	.375	21.00	21.50	-4	21	10	16
Miami	4	4	0	.500	21.75	23.38	-13	19	16	17
Arizona	4	4	0	.500	20.00	21.75	-14	24	11	18
Philadelphia	4	5	0	.444	25.00	25.67	-6	13	21	19
Cleveland	4	5	0	.444	19.11	21.89	-25	26	13	20
St. Louis	3	6	0	.333	20.67	25.11	-40	23	20	21
N.Y. Jets	5	4	0	.556	18.78	25.67	-62	27	21	22
Washington	3	6	0	.333	25.56	31.89	-57	11	31	23
Buffalo	3	6	0	.333	21.00	26.22	-47	21	24	24
Atlanta	2	6	0	.250	22.00	27.25	-42	18	25	25
Oakland	3	5	0	.375	18.25	24.88	-53	28	19	26
Pittsburgh	2	6	0	.250	19.50	26.00	-52	25	23	27
Minnesota	2	7	0	.222	24.44	31.00	-59	14	30	28
Tampa Bay	0	8	0	.000	15.50	23.75	-66	31	17	29
Houston	2	6	0	.250	18.25	27.63	-75	28	27	30
N.Y. Giants	2	6	0	.250	17.63	27.88	-82	30	28	31
Jacksonville	0	8	0	.000	10.75	33.00	-178	32	32	32

***********

And now the picks, which are essential to any football weekend (dammit).

As is the natural order of things, I have finally recaptured first place after a 4-2 week and have a sizeable half-game lead on BT. 

The gents and I discussed the selection system, and we felt the bonus question added no real value to the process, so a change has come:  We will each still select 5 games against the spread, but one of them we will establish as The Lock, which will be worth twice a normal pick.  So each week will still be worth 6 points - just that nauseating bonus question will be absent.

Last Week:

DJC: 4-2

Me: 4-2

BT: 2-4

MO: 2-4

YTD:

Me: 26.5 - 27.5

BT: 26-28

MO: 23.5 - 30.5

DJC: 21-33

This Week's Games:

BYU +7.5 at Wisc

Houston +10.5 at UCF

LSU +12.5 at Bama

JAX +13 at TEN

PHI +9 at GB

BUF +3.5 at PIT

OAK +7 at NYG

STL +10 at IND

SEA -6 at ATL

CIN -1.5 at BAL

DET -2.5 at CHI

CAR +6 at SF

HOU +3 at ARI

DEN -7 at SD

DAL +7 at NO

BT:

PHI +9 at GB – Double Lock of the Week – Phila getting 9?  Take the points all the way to the bank.  GB couldn’t stop Forte or a washed up backup QB named McCown.

PIT -3.5 vs BUF - Pittsburgh will cover.  Buffalo is scrappy, but they have a “Tuel” at QB.  Get it?!  Hah.

CHI +2.5 vs DET - Chicago gets points at home?  Wow.  Take the Bears.

SF -6 vs CAR - Everyone loves Carolina.  Not this Cowboy.  Take the Niners, give the points.

DEN -7 at SD - Denver giving 7 seems like a lot with all the issues at the coaching spot.  But Manning is really the coach.  Broncos will cover.

LOCK - Philly

DJC:

UCF -10.5 vs Houston - UCF. Why? Why not? LOCK IT DOWN!

JAX +13 at TEN - One of these weeks!

NYG -7 vs OAK - I really enjoy all of the Eli Face jokes.

CIN -1.5 at BAL - You like gingers? I do

SF -6 vs CAR - Frank Gore is good for an old guy

LOCK - UCF

MO:

HOU +10.5 vs UCF – I was torn, I contemplated using this pick on LSU, in part because I hate Nick Satan and I wanted to apply the NE/NYJ strategy to Bama.  Mostly I was thinking it was in order to hedge myself against Urban Cryer lucking into the National Title Game and having to watch the Buckeyes do their best impression of Notre Dame 2013 (Thank you Stanford AGAIN).  Instead, I am picking against UCF covering – they are all pumped up about the Orange, BCS game, etc.  Houston keeps it close and does the Knights a favor and brings them back to reality/down a little.

PHI +9 at GB – As much as it pains me to take the Eagles as my lock, no Rodgers equals not a lot of points for the Packers.  It’s probably so bad in Lambeau right now they are calling Matt Flynn.

JAX +13 at TEN – Jacksonville will win a game, maybe not this one, but they will keep it close (especially now there isn’t anyone in locker room failing sobriety tests every other weekend).

SD +7 vs. DEN – Every year a combination of SD and AFC West opponent knocks me out of my survivor league, I’m hoping this is the week that the underdog takes out someone other than me.

PIT -3.5 vs. BUF – Buffalo is decent, and now healthy, so everyone should be betting on them with the points…  Well, except me.  Pittsburgh is evil, and getting better, and well evil.  They know they can leap up and win the division and crush Browns fans…

LOCK - Philly

Me:

PHI +9 at GB – Getting 9 points against Seneca Wallace is just way too much.

BUF +3.5 at PIT - I'd be more divided if it were Jeff Tool (misspelling intended) or Thad Lewis, but EJ Manuel is coming back this week, and Buffalo is just a much better team than the Steelers at this point.  I hate picks like this, cuz if I lose I lose twice, but I'm starting to get to the point where I want Pittsburgh to win a few so they don't get in that Top 5 area, so double reverse psychology.

BAL +1.5 vs CIN - I think the Ravens still have some pride left on that team, and coming off a SB win and being a home dog against the Godforsaken Bengals (Cincy really should change the name of the city)... I think they circle the wagons one last time this season.

ARI -3 vs HOU - Locking this one, them Cards get no respect, not even being truly favored AT HOME against a Texans team that is just strugg-a-ling.  Everyone seems to forget Arizona has a solid Defense.

SD +7 vs. DEN – Seven is just too much of a home-dog for division opponents, and SD could easily have the same record as Denver had a couple things gone their way.

LOCK - Arizona