Written by Chris Hutchison

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EXT. STADIUM - DAY

The gang has just watched the Browns lose to the Jaguars, and the clock just hit all zeroes.  Trevor and Mark sit in their nosebleed seats, staring down at the field numbly as Mark stands next to them, hands on either side of his head and an incredulous look on his face.

Mark:  Oh.  My.  God.  That just happened.

Sheila:  Of course that just happened.  Haven't you ever watched a Browns game before?

Trevor (distant):  I can't believe we just lost to the goddam Jaguars.

Mark:  They need to fire Chud!  No way they should lose that!

Sheila:  They're not gonna fire Chud.  Chill.  This is actually a good thing.  There's only one QB left in the draft that's worth a damn, and the Browns have gotta be in the top spot to get him.

Trevor:  I can't believe we just lost to the goddam Jaguars.

Mark:  They should just shoot Weeden right now.

Sheila:  Hey, I'm as sick of that sack of shit as anyone, but Weeden's not the one that allowed Chad fucking Henne to march down the field on him.  Our Defense is crap right now.

Mark:  What are you talking about?  They're a Top 5 Defense!

Sheila (glaring at him):  You have GOT to be kidding me.  Did you just watch that game?  Did that look like a Top 5 Defense to you?

Mark:  Not on that last drive maybe...

Sheila:  Did they look Top 5 against Detroit?  Green Bay?  Even Pittsburgh?  You know, ANY team that has a QB worth a damn?

Mark:  You can't argue with numbers.

Sheila:  What are you, a statistician?  Of COURSE you can argue with numbers.  It's called the Eye Test.  THAT Defense only has a 42.3 ranking on the Eye Test chart, out of 122.

Mark:  Why 122?

Sheila:  Are you arguing with my numbers?

Mark (confused):  Huh...?  I... buh...

Trevor:  Can we get out of here?

Sheila:  What's the rush?  I hate waiting in a line of cars.  Chill out here for a little bit.

Mark (recovered enough to retort):  All I know is that if Hoyer hadn't gotten hurt, this is a playoff team.  If we even had a halfway decent QB, this is a playoff team.  Hell, if we had Colt back, they'd probably be above 500.

Sheila howls with laughter while Trevor shakes his head.

Trevor:  Dude.  Maybe Hoyer wins a few more games, but... Colt?  Colt sucked as bad as Weeden!  Worse, maybe.

Mark:  He didn't make the mistakes Weeden makes.  And he just didn't have a decent O line or any Wide Receivers.

Sheila:  Ha!  Revisionist history.  He made mistakes ALL THE TIME and he couldn't throw the ball past his dick!  And that's not a compliment to his dick.

Trevor:  I know that the guy currently playing for the Browns is always the "worst ever", but, come on, Mark... Colt was horrible.

Sheila:  Awful.

Trevor:  Terrible.

Sheila:  Probably the worst QB ever to play the game.

Trevor:  Worse than anal rot.

Sheila:  Worse than brain cancer.

Trevor:  I'd rather chew on lightbulbs than see him back here again.

Sheila:  I'd rather brush my teeth with razors.

Trevor:  I know you're pissed right now, but you just can't let stupid shit like that leak out of your mouth.

Sheila:  People hear that and remember it.

Trevor:  And then they're embarrassed for you.

Sheila:  And they lose respect for you.

Trevor:  And then they don't invite you to parties anymore.

Sheila:  Or send you Christmas cards.

Trevor:  Eventually you die old and alone, choking on your own vomit in some dumpster in Detroit.

Sheila:  You don't want that, do you?

Trevor:  Do you?

Sheila:  Do you?

Mark stares at them in surprise.

Mark:  No...

Trevor (to Sheila, rolling his eyes):  Colt McCoy...

Sheila:  I know.  Kids these days.

************

The now 25th ranked Browns (rankings at the bottom) head to New England this week with probably Jason Campbell back at the helm.  Make no mistake - it doesn't matter if they start Campbell or Weeden or Alex Tanney or Caleb Hanie or Dennis Northcutt, they are going to get SHELLACKED.  Absolutely murdified.  That 11.5 line is a joke - take the over on that all day long.

And I ain't touchin' the Buckeyes game with a 90 foot pole.

As far as our Expert Picks are concerned...

Last Week:

MO: 5-1

BT: 4-2

DJC: 2-4

Me: 1-5

YTD:

BT: 43-35 (55%!)

MO: 38.5 - 39.5

Me: 38 - 40

DJC: 31-47

This Week's Games (lines provided by VegasInsider.com):

Stanford +3 vs ASU

MSU +5.5 vs OSU

Mizzou +2 vs Auburn

Duke +29 vs FSU

KC -3 at WAS

MIN +7 at BAL

CLE +11.5 at NE

OAK +2.5 at NYJ

IND +6 at CIN

CAR +3.5 at NO

DET +2.5 at PHI

MIA +3 at PIT

BUF +2.5 at TB

TEN +12 at DEN

STL +6 at ARI

NYG +3 at SD

SEA +3 at SF

 

BT:

Mizzou +2 vs Auburn - Mizzou getting 2 at a neutral site.  Auburn is Destiny’s child right?  Don’t think so.  Take the Tigers (the ones from the Show Me State).

PIT -3 vs MIA -  How much longer can I ride this Squeelers run?  At least one more week.    Give the points.

SD -3 vs NYG - Giants at SD only getting 3?  I can’t figure that one.  Chargers in the LOCK of the week.

SF -3 vs SEA - Hmmm.  Short week for Seattle who look like world beaters and they are getting 3 points.  Niners need this one bad and that’s why they’ll cover.

PHI -2.5 vs DET - Is going to be a shootout.  Gimme the Eagles.

LOCK - Chargers

MO:

Mizzou +2 vs Auburn - What happens when you take home the hottest girl from the bar and everyone you know witnesses it?  You don't want to get out of bed, ever.   Bad hangover, good for a good Mizzou team. 

OSU -5.5 vs MSU - I love Buckeye fans. We're dominant, we're disrespected, the Big Ten is way better than people think.  We will show you that Michigan State actually has an offense. Unfortunately for Michigan State, the second time they score more than 2 offensive touchdowns in a game is one that they will give up at least 4.  Lock it up, couches to be burned in Columbus. 

NE -11.5 vs CLE - OK, this has to be the week that NE stops losing (outright) when I select them, right?  Of course I could also find out this week that throwing a pass from the 50 yard line and hitting an upright is worth 10 points...

DET +2.5 at PHI - I've turned into a Philly non-believer/hater and they keep showing me I'm being stubborn.   The Lions on the other hand show me they aren't to be trusted, so this pick makes total sense. 

SF -3 vs SEA - Really? Didn't Seattle pummel the crap out of SF then just last week New Orleans?  Feels like a total sucker bet, so I'm going to call it. 

LOCK - Buckeyes

DJC:

OSU -5.5 vs MSU - Go Bucks! Excited to see them in a dome on turf.

Mizzou +2 vs Auburn - It's been a long week of Auburn #2 stories.

KC -3 at WAS - How can Washington stink this badly?

IND +6 at CIN - Luck needs to turn ship around before playoffs start.

SEA +3 at SF - Great matchup. Beast mode?

LOCK - Buckeyes

Me:

Stanford +3 at ASU - If Stanford isn't good enough to win this straight-up, then chalk the PAC 12 up as just another pretender conference.

NE -11.5 vs CLE - I spoke about it above, putting my Monopoly money where my mouth is.  Lock it.

KC -3 at WAS - KC desperate to stop the skid against a sucktastic Racial Slurs team that is just pouting that it won't even get to use the Top 5 pick it "earned".

SD -3 vs NYG - Last time I checked, the Giants sucked.

SEA + 3 vs SF - I get the argument that it "seems" like the Seahawks should win so that's why a Niners team (that really needs this game) will rise up and take it.  But... no.  'Hawks own the Gold Diggers, and they both know it.

LOCK - Patriots

And for your perusal, the latest calculated rankings....

Team	Wins	Losses	Ties	WP	Avg_PF	Avg_PA	Diff	Rank_PF	Rank_PA	Rank_Final
Seattle	11	1	0	.917	28.33	15.50	154	2	2	1
Carolina	9	3	0	.750	23.75	13.08	128	14	1	2
Kansas City	9	3	0	.750	24.83	17.83	84	9	4	3
New Orleans	9	3	0	.750	26.00	19.17	82	7	6	4
San Francisco	8	4	0	.667	24.75	16.42	100	10	3	5
New England	9	3	0	.750	26.83	21.75	61	6	10	6
Denver	10	2	0	.833	38.67	26.42	147	1	26	7
Cincinnati	8	4	0	.667	24.33	18.00	76	12	5	8
Detroit	7	5	0	.583	27.17	23.92	39	4	18	9
Philadelphia	7	5	0	.583	25.00	23.42	19	8	16	10
Arizona	7	5	0	.583	22.92	20.58	28	18	8	11
Dallas	7	5	0	.583	27.42	25.25	26	3	22	12
Indianapolis	8	4	0	.667	23.75	22.83	11	14	12	13
Baltimore	6	6	0	.500	20.75	19.58	14	25	7	14
Miami	6	6	0	.500	21.00	20.67	4	24	9	15
San Diego	5	7	0	.417	23.25	23.08	2	16	13	16
St. Louis	5	7	0	.417	23.25	23.17	1	16	14	17
Chicago	6	6	0	.500	26.92	27.67	-9	5	28	18
Tennessee	5	7	0	.417	22.00	22.25	-3	21	11	19
Green Bay	5	6	1	.458	24.50	25.42	-11	11	23	20
Pittsburgh	5	7	0	.417	21.92	23.17	-15	22	14	21
N.Y. Giants	5	7	0	.417	19.75	24.75	-60	26	19	22
Buffalo	4	8	0	.333	22.25	25.58	-40	20	24	23
Oakland	4	8	0	.333	19.75	25.00	-63	26	21	24
Cleveland	4	8	0	.333	19.25	24.75	-66	28	19	25
Minnesota	3	8	1	.292	24.08	30.50	-77	13	32	26
Tampa Bay	3	9	0	.250	18.08	23.75	-68	30	17	27
N.Y. Jets	5	7	0	.417	15.75	25.83	-121	31	25	28
Washington	3	9	0	.250	22.42	30.17	-93	19	31	29
Atlanta	3	9	0	.250	21.75	28.33	-79	23	29	30
Houston	2	10	0	.167	19.17	26.92	-93	29	27	31
Jacksonville	3	9	0	.250	14.50	29.33	-178	32	30	32