Written by Mitch Cyrus

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It was a great day for this website when The Mitch Man ageed to do a weekly Browns column for us.  He's a great fan of the team, hysterical, and a phenomenal writer who has been with us from day one.  And he's back in his regular Wednesday time slot with this week's version of Random Thoughts, in which he takes a humorous and informative look at this past weekend's game.

~~~ Did anyone other than a QB do anything in this game?  Based on all the press I've seen since Sunday morning, one would think not. 

~~~ Now don't get me wrong, I'm grateful in having the NFL Network, which allows me to watch the Browns' preseason games...albeit not until Monday after work since I really didn't feel like staying up until 2 AM Monday morning to catch the entire game as it didn't start until 11 PM.  Tivo is Good. 

However...I was thanking the Tivo Gods for the fast forward button as for some totally inexplicable reason, they were showing the same damn "Viva Viagra" commercial on every friggin' break during the first quarter, and ended up showing it 10 times throughout the broadcast (yes, I counted). 

Any group of men sitting around singing about how great their Erectile Dysfunction pills work really, really needs to be shot.  It might be one of the worst commercials in television history, bad enough that if I would EVER get to the point of needing a "little help" in that department (not that I'm planning on needing it), rest assured I'd be looking at Cialis just to spite the ad department that came up with this stupid idea. 

~~~ Oh, yeah...the game.  Having already seen the highlights, I decided to put my focus towards an area I bemoaned about last week as the biggest problem I saw; total ineptitude by the offense in the Red Zone or in the 2 Minute Drill.  And at least as far as future clipboard holders Frye and Anderson were concerned, they handled these areas with almost as much competence as FEMA handled Katrina. 

Red Zone Trip #1. 

On the drive following the Lions field goal conversion of Derek Anderson's first play fumble, DA managed to get the Browns into the Red Zone, all the way down to the one yard line.  Of course, this was mostly due to the incredible running of Jamal Lewis, who gave us a demonstration of power rushing that we've not seen since the days of Kevin Mack.   

So what happens then?  The usual clusterspork of wasted time-outs, delay of game penalties, and false starts, culminated by Heiden and Winslow getting crossed up on their routes, with Anderson choosing to throw to the wide open Detroit linebacker since Winslow was being covered so closely by Heiden.  That's some fine leadership shown there, Brownie...er...Derek. 

First Half Two Minute Drill. 

Charlie Frye plays most of the second quarter, and he's leading them on a respectable drive, when the clock strikes 2:00 and Charlie turns into a pumpkin.  After a narrow escape and a dump down pass for 10 yards following a holding penalty, Charlie misses on attempts to Braylon and Mosely, then hits the TE for eight yards on a third and ten.  Wow...we've never seen THAT before, have we?  So with time running out and a 4^th and 2 on the Lions 43, what would be better than a Chinese Fire Drill QB sneak?  Perhaps a meat thermometer jabbed into your temple?  Confusion reigned, Charlie gets about 6 of the needed 72 inches, and the ball turns over on downs, as the Lions were laughing too hard to even worry about the illegal motion penalty against Cleveland. 

And then Jon Kitna and his ugly head shreds the Browns defense for a quick touchdown, leaving time for a SECOND episode of the horror show called Charlie and the Chocolate 2 Minute Drill, the type that melts all over the place, leaving a sticky mess. 

This one didn't last too long as Frye first missed Edwards and then missed Heiden by at least 10 feet, sailing the ball over his head and into the waiting arms of Gerald Alexander, who runs it back deep enough to allow the Lions to get another FG before the end of the half. 

Charlie has a great future in front of him with the airline industry.  They always need people talented enough to send people and their luggage in entirely different directions.  On the other hand, had Heiden attempted to jump for that rainbow, he might have found his head and body going in two different directions. 

Red Zone Trip #2 

Second half. Derek Anderson is back, and I'm needing another beer.  Derek does manage to complete 50 straight passes to a tight end, and that, along with a few decent runs by Harrison and Wright, lead the Browns from the Cleveland 33 down to the Detroit 19, looking at third and three from the dreaded Red Zone.  Gulp. 

No problem...a quick pass to the Best Receiver in the 2006 Draft, Travis Wilson, and the resounding CLANK of the ball bouncing off his hands could be heard in Columbus. 

At least we'll get some points, as Dawson couldn't miss a 36 yarder, could he? 

Uh...that would be a "yes". 

Red Zone Trip #3 

No sign of Anderson or Frye, as Ken Dorsey is now at QB.  Dorsey also starts a drive at the Browns 33, and also gets them down into the Red Zone...where things start to go wacky once again with two false start penalties on Kegger Hoffman.  I guess he's too busy being excited about those kewl new Heineken DraftKegs to concentrate on little details like the snap count. 

But then Something Amazing happens.  Dorsey doesn't panic and immediately try to find a blue shirt to throw to.  He actually hangs in there, hitting his receivers, and finally getting down to the one yard line where the Browns remember that you actually can run the ball, and Wright gets the first Browns offensive TD of the year. 

Red Zone Trip #4 and Second Half Two Minute Drill 

Nothing much really going on here.  Something about some kid coming in and getting his arm loose. 

~~~ Yes, I'm skipping over that, since we all know what happened, but I'm certainly not downplaying it, as it was an absolute joy to watch.  Quinn was 13 of 20, but if you discount the four spikes to kill the clock, he hit an astounding 13 of 16.  I don't think Frye or Anderson could hit 13 of 16 on warm up passes to a stationary receiver ten feet away from them. 

~~~ Final QB thought.  I'm officially on the fence right now, after last week advocating holding Brady back until after the Bye Week.  I'm not sure what it would serve.  Here the Browns have their best offensive line since the Kosar days, four quality receivers in Winslow, Edwards, Jurevicius, and Heiden, a dynamic running game, and an emerging powerhouse defense.  The only hole?  Frye and Anderson, and their ability to make the Red Zone into a Wes Craven movie Every.  Stinking.  Time. 

From what I saw, I'd almost rather see Dorsey in there if Quinn isn't ready.  He may not have an arm that scares anyone, but he does seem to be able to keep his composure, something seriously lacking in the other two pretenders. 

~~~ Speaking of Jurevicius, is he still on the team?  I know he's the Ultimate Pro, but he could probably use a little action in the form of a pass or two being thrown his way. 

~~~ Braylon Edwards continues to show the skills and maturity that I first saw at training camp.  Quite often, it's in the third year when a WR makes The Jump to star status.  It might just be the case here, and we might be watching the start of something very special. 

~~~ Wimbley and Peek.  Monsters.  This is going to be fun watching them terrorize offenses this year. 

~~~ Andra Davis...ever hear of Wally Pip?  You might want to brush up on your baseball history after the way Leon Williams has been playing. 

~~~ Jeremy Perry...I shall now call you Rented Mule for the rest of your Browns career (about 14 days), as you were certainly beaten like one.  Continuously.  

~~~ Ted Dasher.  The new special teams coach with the slightly excitable personality may end up being the first coach in NFL history to have his head explode during a game, just like in the movie "Scanners".  A word of advice, Ted, given Phil Dawson and the Browns' punt returners: Prozac. 

~~~ And a final note on the television coverage.  As noted, not living in the Cleveland area, I have to rely upon the NFL Network to catch exhibition games.  That means that I got to deal with the Detroit station instead of listening to Bernie Kosar stammer on in the second half after the bottle of Jack Daniels he brings into the booth goes into effect (yeah, I'm gonna get a few more nasty emails on that one from the sarcasm challenged set). 

And what do I see during that time but an advertisement for Cedar Point?  What the hell is this?  Selling one of Ohio's greatest treasures to That State Up North?  The sound you are hearing is Woody spinning in his grave. 

Additionally, at one point the Detroit CW50 announcers were talking about all the other "local" stations broadcasting the Lions' games, and listed one from Toledo. 

Yes, Toledo, Ohio, televising a team from MICHIGAN as the "home team".  Damn those Benedict Arnolds.  But then again, it's too bad that Ohio lost that disagreement with Michigan and was forced to take Toledo into its state boundaries, to the lasting regret of the entire state. 

At least that's how I remember that particular history lesson.

Post Script:  This is off-topic, but I'm sending out my thoughts and prayers to the people of my hometown of Shelby, Ohio, recovering from massive floods yesterday that have left over 30 people homeless in that small town of 9,000.  That was some heartbreaking video from WKYC showing the devastation and the need to evacuate people using a Coast Guard helicopter.  Luckily, no one was hurt, and hopefully the rebuilding will go smoothly.