Written by Mitch Cyrus

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Mitch checks in to his regular Wednesday spot with his "Random Thoughts" on the Browns final preseason game, the preseason as a whole, and the teams general outlook as the season gets set to begin.  And it wouldn't be a Mitch column without his biting sarcasm, as he uses his space this week to lob bombs at the Inbred's dentally challenged QB and fan base and run "Kosovo-on-the-Chesapeake" smak at our week two opponent.

~~~  There was a practice game six days ago.  I think I've already forgotten it, as the roster moves and the preparation for the hated Inbreds from the Three Sewers area have deservedly garnered most of the attention. 

~~~ Romeo kept his word and had Brady Quinn once again as the third string quarterback behind Frye and Anderson.  As stated (with some resignation), I get it with the decision to start Frye.  While he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, he does probably know much more of the playbook at this point than Brady.  Too bad he doesn't have the smarts or poise to do anything truly remarkable with it. 

And frankly, I just don't want to see Brady's first two games coming with him knowing half of the plays, and facing the Squealers' zone blitz one week, and then having to face the criminals from Kosovo-on-the-Chesapeake in week two.  To continue my car analogy from last week, that would be as stupid as getting a new Corvette and letting my Responsibility-Challenged son borrow it for the break-in period.  The emphasis would be on the word "break". 

Derek Anderson, on the other hand, showed no talent whatsoever that should have earned him a spot on any NFL roster.  Unless there is a call for QBs who throw either ankle passes or sail throws five feet over the intended receivers heads 50% of the time.  DA did his normal routine in the Red Zone on Thursday. 3^rd down from the seven, and he throws into triple coverage.  Luckily, the Bears defenders have as good of hands as certain backup Browns' receivers. 

So they cut Ken Dorsey, and are leaving it to the Willard Hick and Captain Inaccuracy to tutor Brady?  That's like giving Joseph Hazelwood a tenured position at the Naval Academy for teaching cadets how to pilot large ships. 

For the preseason, the stats amongst the QBs are as follows: 

Quinn*:  30 of 45 for 324 yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT (tipped pass), QB rating of 109.0

Frye: 24 of 37 for 251 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT, QB rating of 73.1

Anderson: 26 of 42 for 268 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT, QB rating of 70.3

Dorsey: 13 of 18 for 120 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT, QB rating of 90.0 

*I'm still counting that "incomplete" 24 yd pass to Jurevicius as a TD.  Deal with it. 

And before you say that preseason stats count for nothing, take note that last year, Frye had a QB rating of 72.2 and Anderson's was 63.1.  Mediocrity floats to somewhere well below the middle of the pack. 

~~~ No Kevin Shaffer in the lineup.  No Eric Steinbach.  And in a wave of nostalgia from the Bill Belichick days, we don't have a real clue yet as to whether or not either will play on Sunday.  What we do know is that Ryan Tucker WON'T be available due to a case of Lyle Alzado level stupidity.  That might lead to seeing Kelly Butler in a starting position.  And it won't take Sherlock Holmes to be looking at the chalk outline on the field of a QB broken in half stating, "It's elementary.  The Butler did it." (I'll be here all week.  Try the veal!) 

~~~ As much as I'm going to rip on part of the defense in a minute...they performed pretty well against Da Bears, including the Red Zone.  Chicago didn't get their first first down until the 10:30 mark in the second quarter. 

That said, the defensive line blows chunks.  Old, fat, and slow is no way to go through life in the NFL.  I look at the "depth" of this group...Shuan Smith (assuming Roye is starting), Ethan Kelley and Simon Fraser...and it harkens back to those Golden Days of Butch Davis.  Gold being the appropriate color as I'm pissing myself in frustration. 

~~~ Special teams are no longer a major concern for me, as Josh Cribbs suddenly had the light switch go on, and learned how to take really fast first steps right up the middle after catching a punt...meaning Syndric Steptoe teleported himself right to the Azkaban practice squad. 

Other than being still quite leery of Phil Dawson's leg strength (a contradiction in terms if I ever saw one), I think this is one of the most secure areas of the team.  Dave Zastudil was the MVP of the Bears game as he was constantly pinning them down inside the 20 or booming punts when the Browns bogged down deep in their own territory.  OTOH, I shiver a bit when talking about a punter being the MVP, as it harkens back to the dark days when Chris Gardocki was constantly the only bright spot for the Browns. 

So I'm good with the special teams...unless Cribbs gets hurt...something like going into the Cleveland Clinic with a hangnail and coming out with just one arm after the obligatory staph infection. 

~~~ Who was that guy wearing number 81 on Thursday, and what did he do with Steely McHands Wilson? 

~~~ Rented Mule Perry must have collaborated with Eric Wedge and obtained copies of pictures of Phil Savage and Mark Shapiro together in garter belts.  Nothing else explains Perry "earning" a roster spot...unless it's to make us pine for Ralph Brown.  And I think I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that last sentence. 

~~~ Please tell me that Savage is scouring the waiver wire for wide receivers and defensive linemen.  I'd even accept a call going out to Keenan McCardell to finish up his career where he started it.  And you can't tell me that former Patriot Reche Caldwell isn't better than Tim Carter.  Hell...Quincy Morgan is better than Carter...and Quincy sucks. 

Around the league 

~~~ A forty something assistant coach gets suspended for HGH?  What is up with that, Wade Wilson?  I'm not sure if he was going to audition for the next "Rocky" movie, or he thought that since it worked so well for Tim Couch, that he'd try it just in case he wanted to make a comeback. 

~~~ Buh-bye Vinnie Testeverde...cut by New England this week.  And to think, he was still playing, despite the fact that he's about three months older than Bernie Kosar.  Let's just hope that when Vinnie ends up in some broadcasting booth this year or next, he doesn't take Bernie's advice on how to "dress for success". 

~~~  I had the displeasure of attending the Panthers-Inbreds exhibition game on Thursday, as my daughter thought it would be a great "treat" for me, and bought us tickets.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that the only thing dumber than attending the final preseason game at full ticket prices would be spending $200 on tickets to go see The Police...and then listening to a bunch of fifty year olds "remake" every damn song that I used to love. 

There were a few minutes of joy, however...watching Ben Toothlessburger getting hit by Julius Peppers was quite enjoyable. 

Speaking of toothless, I was totally amazed at all the "women" at the game wearing Pittspuke's black and urine colors.  I kid you not, 90% of those women could only be classified as "ick", with about a third of those being in the category of "I'd rather stab my eyes out with a spork than look at them."  Now this is not to put the blame on Southern women at all, as about 75% of the females wearing Panther gear were not hard to look at in the slightest.  My daughter was even noting that fact, mentioning the word "skank" several times in seeing a group of Squealer girls going by. 

To add to all of this fun was standing around in the concourse of the stadium before the game, as we weren't allowed to go inside for 30 minutes due to electrical storms in the area. 

I guess I should be grateful.  Had a bolt of lightning hit one of those Squealer women...it might have taken two hours to put out the grease fire. 

Go Browns!  Beat Pittspuke!