“Why don’t we like the Steelers, daddy?” That was the question Hiko's young daughters asked him as he was getting them ready for school Friday morning. His response? Well, it's the basis of "Moot Points" this week, and screamingly hysterical as usual. In addition ... Hiko also hits on the US Open, Leigh Bodden, and the Colts opening salvo in this week's piece.

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The Truth Is Out There

This morning, as I was getting my daughters ready for school, I reminded them “Remember to give hell to the Steelers fans today.”

“Why?” one of them asked.

“Because this is Steelers week, and this is the last school day before the Browns play the Steelers on Sunday.”

“What if they’re our friends?” the other queried.

“Then you give them even more grief. Preferably you never have friends who like the Steelers, but in the sad event you do, they aren’t your friends on this day. It’s in the Bible.”

“Why don’t we like the Steelers, daddy?” asked my younger daughter.

“Well, honey, I don’t want to lie – they’re very bad people.”

“How?”

I sighed, sat them each on one of my knees, and gave them the full list of the atrocities attributed to Steelers fans:

They are responsible for global warming.

Jeffrey Dahmer was a Steelers fan.

They invented mosquitoes.

They endorse human sacrifice.

They hate Santa.

They made Darth Vader go to the Dark Side.

They don’t wipe after going poop. And they don’t bathe.

Joseph Stalin was a Steelers fan.

They kill bunnies. All the time. Innocent, fluffy bunnies.

They helped assassinate Archduke Ferdinand and JFK.

They try to make babies with goats.

They provided beer for all of Hitler’s supporters in Munich in 1923.

They caused Hurricane Katrina.

They shot Bambi’s mom.

They dispute the validity of the Periodic Table and the Pythagorean Theorem.

And, to cinch the argument…

They crucified Jesus. And, after he was dead, they stood in front of his cross, waving yellow towels.

The look of shock on their faces was evident. “Is that true?” my older girl asked.

“Yes. It’s historical fact. Would I lie about something like that?”

“Wow…” she muttered in horrified awe.

“So, today, make sure you tell all your little friends the truth. You be and sure to tell them what the Steelers fans did to Jesus.”

This oughtta be fun…

***The US Open rolls along, and it looks inevitable that two of my least favorite players will win the title: Roger Federer and Venus Williams.

Just like Wimbledon.

Why are these two amongst my least favorite players, you ask? Simple. They’re too good.

They’re decent people – from what I know – and there’s nothing to dislike about them personally. But, due to their markedly superior skill sets, whomever they play is instantly a vast underdog, and it makes for some unexciting tennis, save for the rare time they are challenged and/or lose.

I always root against Roger and Venus, the way I always root/rooted against Serena Williams, the 49’ers of the 80’s, the Cowboys of the 90’s, the Bulls of the 90’s, Tiger Woods, Steffi Graf… the list goes on and on.

It’s not that they’re bad people. (Well, Serena is whiny and a very poor loser, but that doesn’t necessarily make her a bad person.) No, it’s just that they make the sporting events they play in too predictable, so I feel it would increase the competitiveness of the whole proceeding if they were removed from the process.

Unfortunately, that’s not likely to happen, so yawn in unison when Federer wins his 4^th US Open title in a row on Sunday. Yay, Roger. Yep – you’re good. Now go take up a career in water polo.

***It seems Leigh Bodden spent a little time at Cleveland Hopkins Airport on Wednesday.

From what I imagine of the incident, Bodden parked his car in a No Parking zone, was told to leave, got into it verbally with the cop, who then used his power to shut Bodden up by having him arrested.

Man, I wish I had the power to win an argument. I’d be bailing my girlfriend out at least once a week.

Now, there is no doubt that cops are often male sexual organs. That’s like saying the sun is hot or testicular cancer sucks or steak is best medium rare or Steelers fans killed Jesus. It’s just fact.

But you gotta use your head, Leigh, and realize that the cop that’s being a real male sexual organ to you can show just how big a male sexual organ he is and have you arrested on any bullshit charge that he wants to nail you with. You also gotta realize that no one – not even you – gets to leave their car unattended in the No Parking zone. You gotta be smarter than that, mang.

Since this incident, the Woe Is Me contingent (we’ll just call them “The WIM”) has reared their unsightly heads, and lots of “Here we go again” has been bandied about. And while a part of me can identify with the sense of despair, I must point out that, in prior seasons, Bodden would’ve stolen the cop’s gun and went on a murderous rampage, accidentally shooting Kamerion Wimbley in the knee in the process (why Wimbley would’ve also been at the airport is open to vast speculation).

So our luck is getting better. Embrace it.

Remember, there is no I in WIM.

***Yes, those Indianapolis Colts definitely seem poised for a big letdown this season. They are suffering mightily from all their defections and injuries. The pundits nailed it again. Geniuses, they.

***Have I mentioned that Michigan lost against a Division 1-AA team?

Heh heh.

Heh.