I've heard the Browns quarterback play described a bunch of different ways over the last couple days.  I think Hiko's assessment takes the cake in this week's Browns Outsider when he says "Frye and Anderson are like multiplying zeroes.  No matter how many times you try - you still get nothing."  Being the glutton that he is, Hiko has reviewed the tape of Sunday's game, and in this week's column ... breaks it down a drive at a time to try and make sense of the madness.

A View From The Cheap Seats

Week 1 - Cleveland vs. Pittsburgh

Well, at least they scored. 

Yep... Hiko - The Eternal Optimist. 

What were the other silver linings? 

a) The Browns didn't lose by the most points.  The Saints lost by 31.  We ONLY lost by 27! 

b) The Browns didn't score the least amount of points.  The Chiefs, Falcons, and Bears only got 3.  Tampa only got 6.  We rolled up 7! 

c) The Browns didn't allow the most points.  We held the Steelers to a mere 34.  Dallas, New Orleans, and both New York teams allowed more! 

d) No animals were harmed. 

As you can see, the future is bright. 

The opening day of the NFL Regular Season is an exciting day.  Every single team, no matter how previously downtrodden, has a chance for a fresh start.  Every team has hope. 

In Cleveland, hope lasts about 15 minutes. 

Fine... let's get on with it... 

Expectations 

Honestly, I have no idea what to expect.  I've only seen glimpses of this team's starters in the preseason.  And we had QB's rotating in and out so quickly, I have absolutely no clue how our new offense will look. 

Now, I do have a gut feeling about our thin, aging Defensive Line and the results they will achieve. 

I expect the Run D to look bad. (It certainly faded in the 2^nd half, but that's what happens when you're down 27 and your offense can't stay on the field.) 

I expect the game to remain close until the 4^th quarter, where the Steelers run game will start to take its toll on our exhausted D Line, and, sigh, well you know... (The Steelers spared us the heartbreak of losing a close game and took the Browns behind the woodshed and shot them in the 1^st quarter.  The rest of the game was just the dying.) 

Pregame 

I am nervous on Sunday mornings during football season, and I have trouble concentrating.  Time seems to drag by ever so slowly until kickoff, and my impatience increases incrementally the entire time.  I do not enjoy this. 

When I lived in California, I'd wake up at 9:50 on a Sunday morning, and 10 minutes later the Browns would kick off.  This was very nice.  It gave me just enough time to crack a cold one, place myself comfortably on the couch, and turn on the TV.  No waiting.  No killing time with endless mindless pregame shows. 

I tried to duplicate this timing by staying up until 4:30 am Sunday morning watching re-runs of That 70's Show, thus sleeping in to 11:30.  That wasn't late enough.  Kickoff is taking forever to get here.  There's 5 minutes until game time, and I've felt like I pounded 4 Red Bulls for the last hour. 

The reason that I'm nervous is that I'm really worried the Browns are going to get smashed.  As a Browns fan, I have become psychosomatically programmed to feel great negativity and hopelessness right before the kickoff of any Cleveland football game.  It's as if I'm getting a jump on the inevitable. 

I want this feeling to go away.

First Quarter

 

My girlfriend, and Akron grad, turned to me just before the opening kickoff and said "There will be no Charlie hating today." 

"We'll see," I responded. 

The Browns started the first drive of the game at their own 20.  After a short run and an incomplete pass to Joe Jurevicius, Charlie Frye held the ball WAY too long and helped the Steelers register their 1^st sack.  3 and out.   

Punter Paul Ernster, signed the day before due to Dave Zastudil's aching back, who apparently was eating pasta salad with his bare hands just before the play, fumbled the snap, picked it up, ran awkwardly to his left, and kicked the ball about 20 yards down the field. 

This play was pitiful enough, but it was exacerbated by 4 (no, that's not a typo) penalties on the Browns.  Four penalties on one play.  I could hear the voice of Robert Wuhl from Bull Durham saying "New league record..."  The flags were for Illegal Formation, Holding, Ineligible Player Downfield, and Gross Incompetence. 

This sequence of events was akin to starting off Prom Night by running over your date.  It's not a good route to get to a happy ending. 

So, after the carnival left town, the Steelers took over at the Browns 22.  A quick pass to Santonio Holmes brought the ball to the 7.  From there, the Browns D put up a little bit of a fight, but Ben Roethlisberger found Hines Ward for a nice TD catch on 3^rd and Goal (despite decent coverage from Eric Wright), and the fun had begun.  Steelers 7, Browns 0. 

The Browns started their next drive at the their own 32.  On 1^st down, Charlie dropped back, couldn't make a decision, and ran for a yard.  He then dropped back, seemed confused, and threw it right to Deshea Townsend, who, incidentally, doesn't play for the Browns. 

"I hate you Charlie!" I screamed at the TV. 

"Hey!" my girlfriend protested. 

"Too bad!" I retorted. 

The Steelers took over at the Cleveland 17.  After two ineffective Willie Parker runs and an Offsides penalty against the Browns (which nullified one of the best swarming pass rushes of the day), Roethlisberger threw incomplete to Jerame Tuman on 3^rd and 1.  The ball was almost intercepted, and then a couple of the players got into a shoving match, and it started to look like the Browns were actually going to put up a fight for once.  The Browns defense had made a much needed stand, and Pittsburgh took a FG.  Steelers 10, Browns 0. 

Cleveland started again at their own 27.  Jamal Lewis had a couple short runs, and then Charlie Frye actually made a nice pass to Kellen Winslow on 3^rd and 6.  He held the ball a long time, but the Offensive Line gave him the protection.  Then Lewis ripped off 7, Vicker caught a pass for 6 and another 1^st down, and suddenly we have what is called "A Drive".  I mention this because you might have forgotten the term.  No one in Cleveland has seen one since January 1987. 

But the Browns have a PhD in Drive Killing, as Kellen Winslow got nailed with a questionable needless Offensive Interference penalty on a converted 3^rd and 2.  Instead of 1^st and 10 at the Pittsburgh 25, it was 3^rd and 12 at the 43.  Cleveland's fragile offense cannot survive such setbacks, and Charlie proved it by dropping back, panicking, leaving the pocket and running right into the arms of a defender, as if to say "Hold me - I'm scared."  Sack.  Punt.  Yay. 

The Browns defense had gotten into the game, and forced Pittsburgh into a 3 and out.  Perhaps the game is changing, I thought.  A mirage.  After the punt, Jamal Lewis ran the ball two times.  On the second run, whilst fighting for extra yardage, Lewis lost his possession of the football, and the resulting fumble was recovered by PIT's Bryant McFadden at the Cleveland 40. 

Let's see... the Steelers had 4 possessions... and 3 of them had started in Cleveland territory.  Niiiiiiiiiice. 

On 1^st down, Roethlisberger did a little play-action fake, dropped back, and heaved a perfect pass to Holmes for an easy 40 yard TD pass.  It was the kind of defense that should never happen, where two safeties are both trailing the receiver by a large margin.  Somebody screwed the pooch on that play, and, judging by Sean Jones' reaction, I'm willing to bet it was Brodney Pool.  You play good defense, you hold your opponent down despite disadvantageous field position, and you fall asleep for one play, and BANG!  You're done.  Steelers 17, Browns 0. 

Despite the fact that the game was effectively over, they decided to continue the charade, so the Browns took the kickoff, ran two plays, and ended the quarter with 3^rd and 2 on their own 28. 

End of 1^st:  Steelers 17, Browns 0. 

Second Quarter 

Charlie Frye perpetuated the Browns excellence on the first play of the 2^nd quarter by dropping back and getting immediately crushed by Pittsburgh defenders.  Joe Thomas was assigned to block two blitzers at once, and he really didn't get either one of them.  One could blame Joe for a whiff, but the result would've been the same had he gotten his guy, since the blocking scheme was insufficient due to Chud shifting the RB out of the backfield to the slot.  Charlie had about as much protection as the average backyard football QB.  And the Steelers weren't counting to 5 Mississippi.  Sack.  Punt.  Yay. 

On the ensuing PIT possession, the Browns D held the Steelers on 3^rd and 2, but rookie Head Coach Mike Tomlin decided to emphasize his balls, and went for and converted the 4^th and inches.  On the next play, the Browns went to great lengths to prove their incompetence, as Santonio Holmes ran a reverse, fumbled, and Sean Jones did his best David Beckham impression and booted the loose ball out of bounds rather than recover it.  Turnovers?  We don't need no stinking turnovers! 

The Browns defense again stiffened and held, but the damage of the drive was done, as the Steeler punt was downed at the Browns 2.  Romeo Crennel challenged it, but he only challenges when the original call was correct, so it was upheld. 

Charlie came in again and the Browns went a whole lot of nowhere.  Frye threw twice, both to open receivers, but the throws were so poor, so inaccurate, so late, so horrible, that he managed to inspire the crowd to start chanting "Brady!  Brady!"  I didn't blame them.   

"I hate you Charlie!" my girlfriend yelled.  You know it's bad when even she's throwing him under the proverbial bus. 

The punt sucked, and Pittsburgh took over at the Cleveland 49.  The Browns promptly gave up a 25 yard gain to Willie Parker.  Here we go.  Time for the wheels to come off. 

But - miracle of miracles! - Stupid Willie Parker (I refuse to call him "Fast" Willie) fumbled the ball on the next play, and the Browns had life.  They were blind, deaf, and missing the big toe on their right foot - but they were alive. 

1^st and 10 Browns on their own 26.  Charlie Frye dropped back and threw it to Tim Carter (we have a Tim Carter sighting!), who flat-out dropped it.  Imagine that.  A Browns player wearing 86 dropping the ball.  Some things never change. 

2^nd and 10.  Frye dropped back.  He looked... looked... looked... pump-faked... couldn't make up his mind... and took the sack.  Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.  You just can't do that.  But you keep doing it over and over and over again.  It's redundant.  It's redundant. 

3^rd and 15.  Frye dropped back again.  Ike Taylor was on the blitz, but Charlie held onto the ball anyway.  He'd lost his confidence, he was confused, he was scared, he was hurting.  He was fried mentally, and, at this point, he went away to his Happy Place.  I'm pretty sure he was wandering around a green meadow full of butterflies when he took his 5^th sack. 

Charlie Frye's numbers?  7 possessions.  4 for 10, 34 yards, 1 INT, 5 sacks, 2 first downs. 

That was it.  I'd had it, and so had Romeo.  Frye was done for the game.  I'm done with him period.  He may or may not play for the Browns again, and, if he does, I'll root for him as hard as I can.  But I've given up on him ever being a successful NFL QB, and I wouldn't shed a tear at his departure.  Any QB that makes me actually long for Tim Couch is a QB that needs to be gone.  Hopefully his indecisive, inaccurate, ineffective ways will never again blight our fair field. 

Miraculously, the Browns D held again, putting a shot on Roethlisberger on 3^rd and 7 and getting a punt.  The Browns took over at their own 13, and in came Derek Anderson.  Hey, maybe this is just a preseason game! I thought to myself.  They're certainly playing like it. 

And whaddaya know?  The Browns started to move the ball.  Derek's throws aren't always accurate, but at least they have some zip on them, and he's much more decisive.  He moved Cleveland to 1... 2... Hark! 3 first downs in a row, highlighted by a nice touch throw to Kellen Winslow for 18.  That was already more 1^st downs in one possession than Frye had managed in 7 possessions. 

But, alas, the Browns have a Masters in Momentum Mangling, and the drive ended in sorrow, as Ryan Clark swatted the ball away from Anderson on 3^rd and 7 from the Steelers 37, Pittsburgh recovered the fumble, and yet another Browns miscue ended a slightly positive incident. 

Thanks to a dropped pass by Parker, the Browns were able to hold yet again, and quite nice to see Antwan Peek and Chaun Thompson to converge on Roethlisberger, sending in the punting unit one more time. 

Derek Anderson came out firing, and, by "firing", I mean throwing terrible, inaccurate passes that led to a quick 3 and out.  Another punt.  Ernster was earning his dough. 

Ben R came in and also managed to go 3 and out, despite great field position, and there was hope that the Browns D was going to ensure that a game was made of this disaster.  PIT punted, Anderson came in with 16 seconds left, took a knee, and the Browns got to leave the field to an opera of Boos. 

My, wasn't that fun? 

Halftime:  Steelers 17, Browns 0. 

Third Quarter 

Pittsburgh got the opening kickoff, and methodically marched down the field.  It was as if the Browns D had an un-pep talk during Halftime. You guys aren't allowing enough yards! screamed Todd Grantham.  This game is way closer than it should be! 

Yep, the Steelers cranked open the Browns mouths and made them eat it as they mainly ran ran ran the ball right down Cleveland's throats.  The drive ended - mercifully - with a TD pass to Matt Spaeth (who?) on 2^nd and Goal.  It was really starting to be Must See TV at this point.  I haven't seen anything that easy since Paris Hilton's early videos.  Steelers 24, Browns 0. 

Oh, but the Browns are not patsies.  They are not wusses.  They had to show the Steelers exactly who they were dealing with.  Derek Anderson came out and nailed a pass to Winslow for 30 yards.  Then another pass to Tim Carter (Holy Crap!  Tim Carter!) for 22 yards.  Then another catch by Winslow for 20 yards!  This team is a Juggernaut!  Hold ‘em back!  Hold ‘em back! 

Three plays later, Derek Anderson hit Lawrence Vickers on a little screen for the TD.  Browns score!  Browns score!  Steelers 24, Browns 7. 

And just when you might have been delusional enough to think that a comeback was possible, the Steelers got the ball back. 

1^st down - pass to Hines Ward for 22 to the Cleveland 42.  Yes - one play, and the Steelers were already back in Browns territory.  The Steelers ran ran ran, and then, on 3^rd and 8 from the Cleveland 24, came the Nicole Richie Award^TM winning play of the game. 

Roethlisberger dropped back.  Robaire Smith came knifing in, had a very legit shot at Ben, but missed.  Ben R moved forward, and tossed a short dump off pass to Najeh Davenport.  Najeh caught the ball a full 5 yards short of the 1^st down.  D'Qwell Jackson had him dead to rights, and, fittingly, bounced off Davenport on the tackle "attempt".  Then it was Leigh Bodden's turn, and he did next to nothing.  Sean Jones also got his hand on Najeh, straightening out the wrinkles on Davenport's jersey as he kept plowing by.  Finally, Bodden, who was the only Browns defensive member to manage to at least keep his feet whilst proving the Theory of Ineptitude, brought Davenport down at the 7 yard line. 

I don't know about you, but, after that play, I went out to my backyard, picked up a huge rock, and slammed it into my turf about 17 times before I could ease down. 

To add insult to injury, Hines Ward came in well after the play and speared Daven Holly, giving him a concussion.  Did the Browns respond?  Oh no.  They just stood around like their Head Coach, looking fat and stupid. 

Well, at least the refs had some pride, because they penalized the Steelers 15 yards for the Personal Foul. 

On 1^st and Goal from the 22, I screamed for retribution.  I pleaded for passion.  I begged for pride.  And the Browns showed me what they were made of by allowing an easy easy EASY TD pass to Heath Miller.  Steelers 31, Browns 7. 

That was the point where I turned the game off and put on one of the many games that were A) Close and B) Featuring two viable NFL Franchises. 

Because I write this column, I later subjected myself to the torture of watching the rest of that game.  But, in essence, the contest was game, set, match at that point, with 2:23 left in the 3^rd quarter.  

End of 3^rd:  Steelers 31, Browns 7. 

Fourth Quarter 

I will not waste your or my time by dedicating any bandwidth to the 4^th quarter. 

Some drives happened, thousands of Browns fans sought the relief of early departure, and the Steelers kicked a Field Goal. 

Final:  Steelers 34, Browns 7. 

Conclusion 

~On NBC Football Night In America, Peter King said that he talked to Phil Savage, and that (paraphrasing) Big Phil didn't want what happened to Tim Couch to happen to Brady Quinn. 

Mr. Phil - are you saying that our team is in the same state as it was in 1999?  Are you saying the OL is in the same state of disarray as an expansion team?  If that's what you're saying, then you need to resign tomorrow, because if this team's Offensive Line, upon which you have spend significant time and salary cap space, is just as weak as it was in '99, then you need to get the hell outta town. 

If, perhaps, the Offensive Line is significantly improved from the inception year, then the comparison is null and void.  So stop saying stupid crap. 

~Every aspect of the Browns team sucked.  The Defense kept them "in the game" for the 1^st half, but then they blew it in the 3^rd quarter.  The offense... I don't need to tell you about the offense.  Special teams... well, the word "special" has petitioned the dictionary to have its name removed from the punt/kickoff/field goal units of the Cleveland Browns. 

~Expect the Browns to finish 31 or 32 in every single of those stupid rankings that all the pundits/media entities put out each week. 

As well they should. 

~The Brady Quinn Era has begun.  At least it had better.  I'm not saying the Browns should necessarily start Quinn next week.  I AM saying that he should be the backup QB at the very, very least.  Anderson 1, Quinn 2, Frye 47. 

But I'm sick and friggin' tired of the "He's not ready let's not ruin him make no wine before its time" bullshit.  Frye and Anderson are like multiplying zeroes.  No matter how many times you try - you still get nothing.  There is only one potentially NFL quality QB on this team, and if this team is gonna suck as much arse as it did the first week, then at least we should make the season somewhat useful by indoctrinating Brady Quinn into the pros.   

I don't care if he's a rookie - the other two are playing like rookies.  I don't care if he doesn't know the whole playbook - the other two don't either.  There are natural, innate qualities that an NFL QB must have, and the two "veterans" we have don't have them. 

Fine!  I'll admit it!  I'm selfish.  Give me something to care about each week.  Don't make me wait through 4, 8, 14 weeks of utter feces with the idea of "protecting" Quinn for the future.  F*** THE FUTURE!  Tomorrow never comes.  I don't want to suffer through another year of this hell to just find out in '08 that Quinn isn't ready and we get yet another year of the same damn thing! 

And, Mr. Savage and Mr. Crennel, you should know that.  Because, if this continues, you won't have a future. 

And the way I feel right now... Good!  You two are making me feel nostalgic for Butch Davis.  I didn't think that was even possible. 

~Thank God for beer.