Written by Mansfield Lucas

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When Mansfield Lucas pens a column, you know what you're getting. Hard as nails takes, flowing on a stream of conciousness, coming straight from the heart ... that aren't contrived or crafted. After yesterday's loss, Mansfield is just flat out frustrated watching this team, citing mental mistakes, poor coaching, brutal quarterback play, and horrific defense as the reasons this team couldn't beat a Raider team that is destined for another very high draft pick.

“No, this is not the head coach of the Browns”

In the movie Dumb and Dumber, which ironically does NOT feature Romeo and Todd “head coaching material” Grantham trying to call a defense to stop a screen on third and 20 something in a must-stop situation, there’s a scene where Carey asks Daniels, “Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?”, and he proceeds to make this ear spitting sound that is indeed annoying as hell.

That’s what watching the Cleveland Browns is to me.

I’m not saying that either Joe J or Steve Heiden are locks to outrun anyone with a 20 yard head start, although I’ve seen Heiden do it, but when cats are repeatedly running wide ass open and DA is throwing underneath passes into the sod and leaving about 21 points off the board, it’s like Gilbert Gottfried reading the Bronte Sisters’ anthology. And just for the record, Jane Eyre is the worst book ever. I still hold a grudge against my 8^th grade teacher for that one.

I’m not saying that Andra Davis or D’Qwell Jackson should make every tackle, but the absence of a front seven except for Peek and Wimbley and how the Browns were gashed by… say it with me … the winless-in-eleven-games Oakland Raiders led alternately by Josh McCown, the elder offspring of the worst name in quarterbacking families, and “didn’t-you-used-to-be” Daunte Culpepper is like being asked to “park it” after ordering a cheeseburger and fries at noon at the McDonald’s drive though, and then opening it and seeing a fillet’o freaking fish.

I’m not saying that watching DA make a brilliant look off and drilling the suddenly living up to his potential Braylon Edwards, and then throwing horrific picks, is worse than him not playing well at all like a certain Seattle QB we know. But dang dude, if you can do it a few times, why you then gotta do us like we’re on hold with the inept health insurance company for 90 minutes to correct their error only to get the call dropped?

Let me make this clear: I love the Browns and will always be a fan. If I haven’t quit by now, I guess I never will. But there are times when I just flat out hate this team, know what I’m sayin’? It does partially explain all the front running Sucklers’ “fans” in Ohio.

Here’s why we lost to the only team in the NFL I was pretty convinced was sorrier than our sorry butts.

• What defense? Holy hell, you have Bill Belichick’s alleged defensive disciple, the coordinator people keep talking about as head coaching material with a straight face because he likes to jump up and down when his schemes’ suck, playing Phil Savage’s hand picked players and they’ve been together for three seasons. And this is what you get? F me. We were literally better with Jason Fisk and Ben Taylor in a new system.
• I don’t know Brodney Pool from Adam, so as far as I’m concerned he could be a member of Mensa off the field. On the field he’s simply a dumb football player and he has no football IQ. That’s why we had to run Cris Crocker and Brian Russell off the team, two average safeties who would still keep Pool on the pines. Pool is Chris Rockins; a step slow and a penalty waiting to happen. We have two strong safeties playing together. There’s no coordination in the backfield. Only the Browns could make the Raiders’ sorry assed QB’s look bona fide.
• Once again, we lost a game due to bad quarterback play. We shipped Chuckles as far west as we could and we still lost the game on bad quarterback play. This isn’t to say that DA was putrid the whole game. He wasn’t. But he’ a backup’s backup. He has these brilliant plays and even good stretches during a game where he looks like world beater, and then he misses receivers who are as open as Denny’s (I still miss Waylon Boot 20 years later). I mean Great God in Heaven, Joe J is standing there like Jimmy Orr on the Colts in Super Bowl III crying and DA is bouncing balls off Tim Carter’s hands – not his fault but bad karma for missing an easy six. Steve Heiden runs like he has a plow tied to his butt and I still think he scores on that route to the deep third and open in the end zone. So I ask myself, self, if we have to have an inconsistent young quarterback struggle costing us games, why is it DA? Unless Quinn is brain damaged, you play DA the next two weeks against these two tough upcoming defenses and then play Quinn after the bye week.
• Now for some positives. It is all about the U still, ain’t it Souldjah?!? Dang is Junior a playmaker or what? The whole left side of the field goal unit line should have to sprint up and down Mount Belichick for 90 minutes while yelling apologies at the top of their lungs to Kellen for wasting what should have been the lead-in to every highlight show that night. To make a catch like that in the situation? Ridiculous.
• I was really rough on Braylon Edwards in the off season and I still don’t think I was wrong. But this kid is outstanding so far. Yeah, he dropped an easy catch, but he also is making great plays now and completely opening up the field. With his drops, he seems to struggle when the ball come at him waist high or lower, and at other times shows extraordinary hands. Either way, he’s playing like the third overall pick.
• No sacks. Yes, Seth McKinney struggled with the suddenly in-shape Sapp and the Raiders’ D made some good consistent run stopping plays, and DA can get rid of the ball, but no sacks in two games is quality.
• Chud is on fire and he don’t need no gasolina. This offense is nice. It works. I watch it and understand what he is trying to do. They could have run better, and the holes could have been better coordinated for JayLew, but I didn’t have visions of Terry Kirby either. He does have some talent to work with, but it’s nice to see output.
• OK, more negativity. Did I already tell you how horrible the middle linebackers are? I did? Like watching The Best of Martin Short from SNL with a Scottie Pippen migrane? My bad. Ted DC needs to retire as well. The entire defensive line is mostly a bunch of catchers, but with the inside linebackers who are unable to make plays and show no leadership you expect from the great ones at the position, it is hard to get a chicken and egg on this sorry assed proposition. Can you even imagine what the Patriots are gonna do to us? Speaking of that, rookie cornerbacks are just annoying pain as if you burned the roof of your mouth on pizza the day before and you’re drinking orange juice with no Kamchatka ™ in it.

I guess Sunday is in the eye of the beholder. Some fans are talking in terms of a moral victory. They point out that the offense at least did some good things. They see the playmakers finally making plays. Me? It was the Raiders. The ohfer 11 Raiders. We let them look like an offensive juggernaut. We made dumb turnovers. We let them block what is normally a pretty automatic range kick to lose the game. Looking at the season, we play the Ratbirds and Simon Bar Sinister’s Patriots next. Now I know I gave us no chance against the Bengals, so I’ll learn from that and I’ll only say the New England game is an automatic loss. The Ratbird’s game is going to be a test of manhood against a better team. So that’s all adding up to the annoying probability of yet another dismal start at 1 – 4 with a team still playing poorly.

I know the Tribe did their part and I’m looking forward to Kelly Pavlik bringing home the title on Saturday, but when will the Browns stop annoying and embarrassing us? Perhaps about the same week that Bruce Ariens’ offense stops scoring over thirty points a game?