Oy vey. Another week, another painful loss for Browns fans. And in this week's Outsider, Hiko is fired up after the Browns allowed 186 yards on the ground to an Oakland Raider team with absolutely no semblance of a passing attack. Even more disappointing to our talented columnist? There isn't any reason to believe the run defense will get any better this season. Per usual, Hiko breaks it all down for us in The Browns Outsider, taking a close look at Browns/Raiders, from start to finish.

A View From The Cheap Seats

Week 3 – Cleveland vs. Oakland

So. What’s the cure for an 11 game losing streak?

Why, the Cleveland Browns, of course.

Let me now tell you why, sadly, we are in store for yet another long, painful, horrible season of Cleveland Browns football.

There are two precepts of football: Run the ball. Stop the run.

I have faith that the Browns will be at least adequate at the first precept. But the second? Uh… hell no.

Ted Washington, in his 17^th year, is done. At this point, he’s nothing but a great big fat person being easily contained by one blocker as opposing running backs streak by him. The only thing that can motivate that beached whale at this point is taking away cheeseburgers from him for each time the other teams’ RB gains over 10 yards. But that won’t happen, unfortunately, because the Browns’ Head Coach understands the great importance of excessive trans fats in diet.

The Browns allowed 186 yard rushing to the Oakland Raiders. A team that hasn’t won much lately. A team with mediocre – at very freakin’ best – offensive weapons and a QB that was limping about like a one legged duck and a backup QB that hasn’t taken a regular season snap in many moons.

It’s very simple. Until their Run D can improve, (or unless Derek Anderson can average 5 TD passes per game), the Browns have a great chance to lose each and every week.

How will the Run D improve, you ask?

Beats the hell outta me. It’s not like their aging personnel is gonna grow into their duties. For the love of God, the last thing we need is for them to grow any more.

To paraphrase Dennis Green: The Browns are who we thought they were.

Dammit.

Even had they won, this would not have been a happy diatribe. It would’ve been a piece about how the Browns stole one and that’s all well and good and a win is a win but get ready for some more non-wins because we don’t get to play a team as bad as Oakland every week. But the Browns saved me from appearing as nothing but a negative bastard to you silly optimists (“Hey – we’re 2-1. Superbowl baby!”) by f-ing it up yet again and emphasizing my previous points.

I am so angry at this team and their defense and their Head Coach and their Defensive Coordinator and their General Manager and their… strength coach, and their… PR Director… and their… groundskeeper… (I’m running out of people to be angry at, but I’m still pissed all the same.)

Let the fun begin.

Expectations

I expect Derek Anderson to come back down to earth. (Check.)

I expect Oakland to rush for way too many yards. (Check.)

I expect the game to be uncomfortably close, but the Browns to win in the end despite themselves. (Check and bzzzzzzzt!)

Pregame

I enjoy the 4 pm games, because it gives me a chance to kick back and peruse the entire 1 pm smorgasbord of my NFL Package.

Whilst those of you stuck with cable were subjected to a Steelers game (a team whom, along with the Ravens, I never ever watch unless forced to under penalty of disintegration), I was mainly watching the entertaining Chargers-Packers game, flipping around occasionally to watch my fantasy players suck.

The result? I was good and mollified (aka inebriated) by the time the Browns game rolled around. With that, and the “exciting” start that the Cleveland professional football franchise exhibited, I had great difficulty getting into this game.

Maybe it was premonition taking care of me.

First Quarter

As my foolish hope once again gets crushed beneath the Ted Washington-esque weight of another season of BLAH, you will notice my quarter-by-quarter breakdown growing shorter and shorter, much like a porn star jumping into the Arctic Sea.

The Browns first series began at their own 20, and they immediately went backwards. But, on 3^rd and 19 from the 11, Derek Anderson found Braylon Edwards on a fantastic 27 yard catch. Perhaps the Browns were going to continue their Offensive genius from the week before?

After a 12 yard gain by Jamal Lewis, we got our answer. Anderson dropped back, had the ball stripped away as he began to throw, and the ball rolled all the way across the field (and backwards) for a less-than-pleasant 24 yard loss.

A few errors later, it was 3^rd and 40, and there really aren’t many plays that will net you a 1^st down on 3^rd and 40. Divine Intervention Left On Two? Nope, get the yards they’ll give you, and punt.

Hey, Scott Player: Love that helmet. You look like the football ghost from that Scooby Doo episode.

On Oakland’s initial offensive play, we finally had a Kamerion Wimbley explosion, as he sacked Josh McCown and caused a fumble (Raiders recovered). This allowed the Defense to stiffen and achieve a 3 and Out. How about that!

The Browns got the ball back and quickly racked up already their 4^th Offensive Penalty (have they had that many plays yet?) This proved to be their bane, as they were did little and were forced to punt after 3 plays.

Starting at their own 17, Oakland began their offensive “explosion”, driving right down the field with a mix of healthy runs and wide open receivers. It was déjà vu all over again to last week all over again déjà vu. The Browns looked unenthused about the very idea of slowing the Raiders down. The D Line was getting blown off the line of scrimmage, the LB’s and Safeties weren’t making tackles, and the CB’s were wandering around the field like goats on shrooms.

But the Raiders got down to the Browns 16, got a stupid penalty of their own, and soon found themselves in 3^rd and 13 at the 19. Daunte Culpepper had to come in for a limping McCown.

“Five bucks says they get a TD right here,” I told my girlfriend, my bitterness getting the best of me.

“I’ll take that action,” she replied.

Well, I found myself 5 dollars poorer as the Browns stopped the screen pass, Sebastian Janikowski came in for the FG, and we had: Raiders 3, Browns 0.

Janikowski got his second kickoff touchback (trying with all his might to neutralize the peerless Josh Cribbs), and the Browns started at their 20 again. They ran 2 plays, picked up a 1^st down out to their 35, and went to the 2^nd Quarter feeling as if maybe they had finally gotten their feces together.

End of 1^st: Raiders 3, Browns 0.

Second Quarter

Jamal ran for zero, then Cribbs picked up 7 on a nice direct-snap run play. On 3^rd and 3, Derek Anderson was suddenly struck colorblind. Trapped in a world of nothing but shades of gray, Anderson had difficulty distinguishing his teammates from non-teammates, and threw the ball right to one of the latter, a Raider LB named Thomas Howard, who returned the ball to the Cleveland 24. Derek can look so good at times, but then he mixes in one of these kinds of inexplicable passes which remind you why he was a 6^th round draft pick and why he will probably be a career backup.

The Raiders moved the ball to 1^st and Goal at the 1, thanks in part to a nice 21 yard Pass Interference call on Brodney Pool (anyone else missing Brian Russell?). However – inexplicably – the Browns made a very nice stand there, and forced Oakland to settle for another FG. Raiders 6, Browns 0.

Having spotted the Raiders a decent lead, the Browns would roar to life, right? Yes, if your idea of “roaring” is going 3 and Out. The Ghost of Red Grange, who actually did well, came out and punted again, pinning Oakland back at their 7. This, of course, just meant that the ensuing Raiders drive would net more yardage. Oakland ran the ball 7 straight times, encountering little in the way of resistance as the drive moved quickly into Browns territory. Lamont Jordan, Justin Fargas, Josh McCown… it didn’t matter who was toting the rock.

This beating led directly to the next play. On 3^rd and 1 from the Browns 41, McCown faked the handoff, rolled to his right and saw Ronald Curry sitting all alone at the 15, so wide open that he had taken out a folding chair and was trying to get some sun while reading an instructional manual on how to build a turbine engine. McCown made a toss so easy that any 3^rd grader could’ve completed it, and Curry sleepwalked into the end zone. Raiders 13, Browns 0.

In theory, Curry was Eric Wright’s man, but it’s hard to tell, since they were in different Time Zones. I’d like to rip Wright for his poor impersonation of an NFL Cornerback, but it is just his 3^rd game ever, and I’m hoping that these are just really really excruciating growing pains.

How would our Browns respond this time? 1^st down – incompletion. Then an Illegal Formation penalty. 2^nd down – incompletion. 3^rd down – interception, this one a clear case of Anderson trying to do too much and throwing towards Kellen Winslow, but into solid coverage. Yes, Derek Anderson, you were floating up here too long, and, yes, those are lead boots on your feet. Time to go back down to earth… in a hurry.

However, the Raiders let the Browns off the hook again, unable to punch the ball in even though their drive started at the Cleveland 7. The Browns only play defense between their own 10 and the End Zone. That way they don’t have to run too far. Raiders 16, Browns 0.

Following the 2 minute warning, the over-confident Raiders made the mistake of actually kicking it to Cribbs, and he made them pay, racing up the sidelines, making Janikowski look even less mobile than normal, and jogging into the End Zone for a major momentum changing 99 yard TD. Well, maybe not major momentum changing. I still didn’t feel the Browns were playing anything close to a good game. But they were suddenly only down by 9 in a game in which they had no business even being competitive. So that was something. Raiders 16, Browns 7.

And now Oakland did their best Browns imitation by fumbling the ball on the first play of the ensuing drive. The Browns didn’t force the fumble. Lamont Jordan just threw it in the air, and Simon Fraser pounced on it. The Browns took over at the Raiders 29.

Immediately, Anderson tried to give it back, making another bad throw that was nearly intercepted. The Browns were stopped at the 20, but, on 4^th and 1, Crennel decided that desperate times called for mildly dangerous measures, and Anderson hit Jamal Lewis on a dump off that went for 15.

From the 5, the Browns decided that was enough progress for one drive, and executed three straight incompletions. Still, it led to a score, and any score is a good score when your offense hasn’t scored all game. Raiders 16, Browns 10.

Halftime: Raiders 16, Browns 10.

Third Quarter

Daunte Culpepper was the Raiders QB to start the 2^nd Half due to McCown’s ankle injury. After Oakland and Cleveland traded punts, the Raiders took over at their own 28. The Browns forced them to 3^rd and 10, and you know what that means. Yep – when the Browns have the opposition in 3^rd and long, that means it will be a 1^st down.

So Culpepper dropped back and found a wide open Mike Williams for an easy 1^st down (he somehow got away from the blanket coverage of Eric “How can something so wrong be” Wright). But after fighting forward for 24 yards, he took mercy upon our souls and fumbled, allowing Daven Holly to recover at the Cleveland 48.

Finally – finally! – the Offense looked like it took it’s collective thumb out of its collective sphincter. A nice pass to Joe Jurevicius for 16. A solid run by Lewis for 15. An incompletion toward Laurence Vickers where it looked like he might’ve caught the ball and scored had he not been interfered with. And then – BAM! – Derek Anderson at last resembled Derek Anderson 09/16/07 with a gorgeous 21 yard TD pass to Braylon Edwards over the middle. Despite an wholly underwhelming performance to this point, the Browns had now taken a lead. Browns 17, Raiders 16.

There was 9:16 left in the 3^rd Quarter when the Raiders took over at their own 20. The momentum had finally shifted in the Browns favor, correct?

Yeah….. No.

The Raiders rammed the ball right down the Browns throats. It was the most pathetic sequence that I’ve watched from the Cleveland football franchise in a while, and I’ve seen a lot of ‘em. Oakland ran the ball 9 straight times. The Browns knew they were going to run it. They just couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

The Browns did force a 4^th and 1 from the Cleveland 49, but the Raiders knew they had nothing to fear, and handed the ball off to Jordan, who just casually ran over Brodney “I’d rather be playing” Pool for the 1^st down.

Oakland continued their undeterred storm towards the End Zone, barely noticing any Cleveland defensive presence on the field. With far too much ease, on 3^rd and Goal, Lamont Jordan plowed in for the 1 yard TD with 10 second left in the 3^rd. Raiders 23, Browns 17.

Yes, boys and girls, that means that, after regaining the lead, the Browns enforced their position by allowing the Raiders to go on a 9 minute 6 second 80 yard drive – mainly on the ground.

BOOOOOOOOO.

End of 3^rd: Raiders 23, Browns 17.

Fourth Quarter

The Browns responded immediately by viciously going 3 and Out. Jurevicius was wide open, but Anderson was still struggling with the disturbing loss of color to his vision.

Thanks to a nice punt by the Ghost of Red Grange and an Oakland hold, the Raiders were backed up on their own 15 yard line. For some reason, they seemed unafraid. It took them 4 short plays to go 39 yards (32 of that rushing). On 1^st and 10 from the Browns 46, however, Wimbley finally decided to get his name back in print with an 11 yard sack. Two plays later, it was 3^rd and 23.

“Double or nothing says they get a 1^st Down,” I told my girlfriend, my bitterness getting the best of me.

“I’ll take that action,” she replied.

Well, I found myself back at even as the Browns allowed Jordan to get a little screen pass, pick through the pitiful Cleveland tackling attempts, and pick up the 1^st on a 27 yard gain.

That, folks, is the Nicole Richie Award™ Winner of the week.

The Browns did finally manage to halt the Raider March, but not until they were within Janikowski’s range, and his 48 yard boot put the Raiders up 9. Raiders 26, Browns 17.

Oakland had run off another 6 long minutes in the aforementioned drive, and the Browns took over with about 8 minutes left. Cleveland’s Offense improved markedly, but Anderson proved that he was still a pale shadow of last week’s self by missing an open Jurevicius deep down the middle for an almost sure TD. Last week, he would’ve nailed that.

Tim Carter caught a pass for 14 yards. This wasn’t an incredibly important play. I just thought I’d mention it to prove that he plays for the team.

A few plays later, Edwards made a great adjustment on his receiver and caught a 25 yard pass down to the Oakland 2. Two plays later, Anderson rolled to his left and dove into the End Zone. We have a game, ladies and gentlemen. Raiders 26, Browns 24.

That was a nice, crisp drive where Anderson didn’t force the ball and the players executed. It gave me hope (which is always a dangerous thing).

There was 3:27 left to play when Oakland took over at their own 21.

“Five bucks says they run out the clock,” I told my girlfriend, my bitterness getting the best of me.

“Not after that last bet,” she replied.

The Browns rapidly forced Oakland into 3^rd and 9. And when the Browns have the opposition in 3^rd and long – everybody now! - that means it will be a 1^st down. This time, a 20 yard pass to Jerry Porter. Good job, Monsieurs Bodden and Holly.

After all their Time Outs and the 2 minute warning, the Browns had Oakland in a 3^rd and 8 from the Raider 44. Normally, this would be where they would allow a hair-tearing swear-inducing cat-kicking 3^rd down conversion. But Cleveland somehow held Jordan to only 7 yards. They tried really hard to blow it, tackling like toddlers with mono, but somehow couldn’t muster up the necessary incompetence yet again. 4^th down, Oakland punts, and the drama continued.

The Browns had the ball at their own 9 yard line with only 1:04 left and no Time Outs. Can Derek be the hero again?

Incomplete. Incomplete. On 3^rd and 10, Anderson hit Winslow for 33 to the 42 yd line. 36 seconds left.

Spike. Incomplete. On 3^rd and 10, he hit Winslow again for 23 to the OAK 35. 16 second left.

Spike. Incomplete. On 3^rd and 10 (Derek’s so good he doesn’t bother trying until 3^rd down), with 10 second left, Anderson hit Jurevicius on the sidelines and out of bounds down to the OAK 22.

With 3 seconds left, Phil Dawson trotted onto the field for the potential game-winning 40 yard FG. He lined up, the ball was snapped, and – BAM! – right down the fairway. Game over. Browns win.

Or not. Having been taught the ways of evil the previous week by Satan’s Secretary of State (Mike Shanahan), Lane Kiffin took a Time Out at the very last second in an attempt to rattle Mr. Dawson. He knew that this despicable but legal means of distraction was effective, as it cost his team a win at Denver only 7 days prior.

And on Phil’s second attempt to win the game from 40, the center of the Offensive Line caved a bit, Dawson’s kick was bit low, and the victory was blocked away.

We didn’t necessarily deserve to win… but it still hurts to let a possible W slip away in such a frustrating way.

If you’re new to Cleveland Browns football – prepare thyself.

Final: Raiders 26, Browns 24.

Conclusion

~~~The Browns Offense from the Cincy game was probably a mirage. The Browns Defense wasn’t.

There is not one single solitary damn player on that Defense that is playing well. Not one. Nobody.

~~~Time for another round of Fun With Stats.

Rushing Defense – Cleveland Browns

1999 – 31^st out of 31

2000 – 29^th out of 31

2001 – 29^th out of 31

2002 – 27^th out of 32 (Playoffs, baby!)

2003 – 23^rd out of 32 (Amazing!)

2004 – 32^nd out of 32

2005 – 30^th out of 32

2006 – 29^th out of 32

2007 – 31^st out of 32

There’s something to said for consistency. That’s why we held onto Romeo last year, isn’t it? Consistency?

I mean, this is an incredible achievement. Not just any team can be this bad at such an important category year after year after stinkin’ year. Over a 9 year span, even really poor franchises would be good against the run at least 1 year – even if by accident.

Not us. We’re a marvel.

~~~I’ll not whine about Kiffin’s convenient Time Out. As long as it’s legal, coaches will continue to use it as an advantage, even if it isn’t exactly “classy”.

I think the coaches of the NFL have spent much of this early season proving that “class” ain’t got nothin’ to do with nothin’.

~~~Ring Ring!

“Hello?”

“May I speak with Mr. Hiko, please?”

“Speaking.”

“Yes – this is your liver. I just thought you should know that I’ve been talking to your heart, and, if you watch any more Browns games, we’re walking out.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Oh, yes we can. The vote was to strike.”

Pause.

“Fine. But if you guys leave, make sure and take my brain with you. The best I can hope for after most Browns games is to forget.”

~~~Apparently, Todd Grantham is a movie buff, as he likes to quote movie lines to motivate his players. I have obtained a copy of Grantham’s Pulp Fiction pre-game speech to his Defense:

“The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride f***ing with you. F*** pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps.”

~~~My girlfriend hurt her neck this morning, so she’s been taking muscle relaxers all day. Thus, I had to stop writing this article for a bit to run to the store for beer and smokes. “Why don’t you finish my article while I run to the store?” I asked her.

While I was gone, she wrote: The Browns suck. End of article.

Very clever, honey.

~~~Rex Grossman.

No, that’s the punch line. Seriously.

~~~Mike Gundy, the Head Football Coach for Oklahoma State, went ballistic on some reporter. It seems she made some disparaging remarks about recently benched Cowboy QB Bobby Reid.

I’ve read her article, and I respect her right to flambé an athlete that she covers. But I also respect the coach’s right to flambé her right back in his entertaining meltdown.

Even though I write about sports, I still don’t consider myself a “sportswriter” (“Amen” shouts those who read my piece). I’m a fan that happens to be lucky enough to publicly discuss the team I love. And while I may mock a player or coach from time to time, I do it for the readers’ mild entertainment, and maybe to vent. I never expect the powers that be to have the time to read what I write, and just because I refer to their hands as steel or their bellies as Australia, I ain’t tryin’ to hurt no one.

(Except Ben Roethlisberger. I hope you take great offense to what I say, you gigantic infected genital wart.)

Actually, why would any coach or player bother reading what the “sportswriters” have to say? You know it can’t be good. That’s their job. Controversy equals copy. You ever heard of Jenni Carlson before this week? Neither had 99% of the sporting world.

So, in the end, it is Gundy that is to blame for throwing a hissy about what some dumb “sportswriter” spewed. Although, we all know is wasn’t a real hissy. The “tirade” was rehearsed, prepared, and you may say he did it to protect his athlete, but I say it was to help him with recruiting.

I guess I have no faith in humanity.

~~~Regardless of our mediocrity, we are not alone.

Here are the teams that I consider to be “Elite”: New England Patriots, Indianapolis Colts, Pittsburgh (spit) Steelers, Tennessee Titans, Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, and the San Diego Chargers (Yes, I’m aware they’re 1-2. They lost to two of the other “Elite” teams. Sue ‘em.)

As long as we’re not playing any of those 6 teams, we have a chance each and every week. Not a good chance, maybe. But a chance is a chance is a chance.

Right?