New Crop Of NFL Head Coaches Less Than Stellar

Seems like 2006 was a bad year to be in the market for a new head coach. I realized just the other day that there were 10 teams in the market for a new Head Honcho this offseason, and I would be lucky to name 5 of the guys that got hired off the top of my head.

And now that I’ve done my research, I’m even more underwhelmed. Last year, you had rookie head coaches such as Romeo Crennel and Nick Saban – coaches whose time had more than come, who had earned their shot, who brought excitement to their fan base, and immediately commanded the respect of their new team.

This year you’ve got a plethora of has-beens and shouldn’t bes. Maybe I’m alone on this. If you read these guys’ bios on NFL.com, you’d think each invented the cure for polio while bringing peace to the Middle East and stabilizing the Sierra Leone diamond market. I ain’t buying it. Here’s how the coach-less teams fared:

Buffalo – Dick Jauron

2005 Job - Defensive Coordinator, DET

The Bills must be praying for the Bill Belichick Syndrome, because Jauron was highly mediocre as both the head coach of Chicago and the Defensive Coordinator of Detroit. Perhaps he has pictures of Marv Levy with his pants down at a boys’ water polo game.

Houston – Gary Kubiak

2005 Job - Offensive Coordinator, DEN

People will cry “Hey, he made Jake Plummer look decent! He must be a genius!” They may be right, but his offenses have made a living of choking come playoff time. He bores me. Now, if he’d been the one that made Gerard Warren look decent, then I would proclaim him a genius…

KC – Herman Edwards

2005 Job - NYJ Head Coach

Known in NYC more for interesting sound bytes than successful football teams. And the Chiefs gave up draft picks to get this guy that lied to his former players about leaving, then didn’t even have the cashews to say goodbye. He must’ve taken some courses at Butch Davis University. That’s Class, if you get rid of the “CL”.

NYJ – Eric Mangini

2005 Job - Defensive Coordinator, NE

This is the only hire that stands out as getting their fans excited about the potential. I agree to a point, but he was a D-Coordinator for all of one season. I’d reserve my mirth if I were them, especially seeing as their starting QB will probably be Patrick Ramsey. The Jets will be lucky to score 10 points – all season.

Oakland – Art Shell

2005 Job - Senior Vice President for Football Operations and Development in the National Football League office

Al Davis is going the Billy Martin route. After his last head coaching gig, Art bounced around unremarkably for a while before being out of coaching the last 5 years, working at some job that sounds really made-up. If I put on my resume “Senior Vice President and Grand Vizier in Charge of Purchasing Alcoholic Beverages For All Household Cooling Appliances”, do you think I could get a nice position in Oakland? A sure sign that the LSD has finally caught up with the Raiders’ owner.

Detroit – Rod Marinelli

2005 Job - Defensive Line Coach, TB

Despite the fact that Tampa generally has a solid D-Line, I wonder about promoting a guy that has never been even a Coordinator. It’s a helluva jump. Kind of like promoting a horse trainer to head of FEMA.

Green Bay – Mike McCarthy

2005 Job - Offensive Coordinator, SF

Runner-up for the “Whatever” Hire Of The Year. It looks like a blatant and desperate attempt to get Brett Favre to return for one more season of excessive interceptions, futility, and personal tragedy. But, hey, that SF offense was killer last year.

Minnesota – Brad Childress

2005 Job - Offensive Coordinator, PHI

This guy just comes across immediately as an A Numero Uno prick. He said this about choosing between the Green Bay and Minnesota jobs: "I saw [Packers general manager] Ted Thompson at the combine, and he asked me, 'Is it OK for me to have the driver come back from Appleton now?' He was going to pick me up. I said, 'Yeah, you can have him come back now. I'm staying here with the Purple.' So, they didn't pick me. I picked them." Yeah, TO wasn’t the only egomaniac in Philly.

PS – Nice trade with Miami.

St. Louis – Scott Linehan

2005 Job - Offensive Coordinator, MIA

I actually like this hire, and think he could be successful. He’s got a nice track record. But since this article is supposed to focus on the negatives… uh… he probably has bad breath.

New Orleans – Sean Peyton

2005 Job - Assistant Head Coach/Passing Game Coordinator, DAL

Winner of the “Whatever” Hire Of The Year. I’ve flushed better hires than this. First Katrina and now Sean Peyton? Why? Why? Why?

WHY?

To sum up: Zzzzzzzzz

The fans of these teams couldn’t be more excited if you handed them a bowl of tofu oatmeal. Somebody sign Romeo to a 73 year contract extension right now. I don’t want the Browns to be looking for Mr. Kinda OK anytime soon.