Written by Mitch Cyrus

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It was a brutally tough loss this past Sunday, and not suprisingly, Mitch is in rare form this week.  After giving out props to Cribbs and the offensive line, Mitch proceeds to use his Random Thoughts column this week to lob SCUD's at E$PN, Toothlessburger, Derek Anderson's play in the second half, Romeo's coaching gaffe ... and "Kosovo-on-the-Chesapeake" (aka Baltimore).  As always, an entertaining read from a hysterical writer .. and one of the more popular columns we run all week.

Remember back when the Browns played the Steelers in the first game of the season?  Of course you do...your stomach still turns just thinking about it.  Well, in my Random Thoughts after that game, I was relatively kind to our boys in orange helmets, trying to look towards the positive (mostly), and finding several things to take solace from. 

Ain't gonna happen this time. 

Nope...I was pissed off after the game, and I'm still pissed off now.  This was a game that could have...no...SHOULD HAVE been won, and the Browns flat out blew it. 

So let's get all those positive thoughts out of the way quickly. 

What I liked?  Josh Cribbs and the Offensive Line.  They were great...and in Cribbs' case, the man was single handedly responsible for 14 points (don't give me that "Phil Dawson still had to kick the PATs and they still had to punch it in from the three yard line." crap.  I'm not listening to you). 

That's it.  I was going to write some stuff about how Joe Thomas could be voted Offensive Rookie of the Year, but Mike Beckwith beat me to it...so it's on to the bitching portion of our show. 

Speaking of Joe Thomas 

E$PN had one of their patented "What If" articles out the other day.  The kind of cheap "journalism" that reeks of their usual low standards, shoddy writing, over hyped bullshit, and crass sensationalism. 

In this one, some moron by the name of Todd McShay decided to Re-do the 2007 NFL Draft with the ever phresh "if they knew then what they know now" stupidity. 

In it, he claims that the Browns should have chosen Adrian Peterson at #3 and then STILL traded up with the Cowboys to get Tony Ugoh at #22. 

How lame is that?  If Phil had decided that AP was The Man at #3, he would have obviously been looking for O-Line help in the second round...and wouldn't have traded a 2^nd rounder AND next year's first for the guy that eventually got picked as the 42^nd pick of the draft??? 

Of course, this was prior to the games last weekend. 

The games where Peterson, as predicted long ago by many experts, got hurt...and Ugoh was a No-goh due to injury. 

Even discounting the injuries, the column is dumb-beyond-reason.  Anyone with half a brain could tell you that Ugoh is not in Thomas's league, and that there is no way AP would be racking up those kind of yards without someone of Thomas' caliber in front of him. 

Ask any NFL front office personnel which one they'd rather have...a 10 year anchor at the LT position, or a 4 year wonder at RB, who'll spend way too much time on the sidelines banged up. 

The time of the superstar RB is gone (at least for now).  It's a pass happy league, and that calls for quality QBs, linemen, and receivers. 

But no telling that to any fool writing for E$PN.  Hell...if you want to read the nonsensical ramblings of drunk people pontificating about sports...you have this column to look forward to every Wednesday. 

I Have a New ‘Most Hated Player' 

And his name is Ben Roethlisberger, and he's about as big of a douche bag as exists.  Just when I thought there couldn't be anything more grotesque coming out of the state of Ohio than Jerry Springer, Dennis Kucinich, Jim Traficant and the banning of lap dances, we have Jim Nantz and Phil Simms relaying the story of how Toothlessberger grew up IN Ohio "hating the Ohio football teams". 

Not "I'm rooting for the Cowboys because I'm a bandwagoning a#*hole" like LeBron James. 

"Hating". 

Seems like Ben must have gotten beat up a lot as a child by kids in Findlay wearing Browns or Bengals gear, and he's got a few emotional problems to go along with his mild retardation and grotesque looks. In early exhibitions of pansy behavior, he first ‘admired' the San Francisco 49ers under Joe Montana, and then once they stopped winning Super Bowls, he switched to rooting for John Elway and the Broncos. 

Perhaps Ben's High School coach was a big Browns fan.  That would be the coach that didn't allow poor Benny to start at QB until his senior year, denying the fat tub of goo from going to a college with a real football program.  Instead, he had to toil away in the backwater of Miami of Ohio, where he polished his skills against the likes of Ball State and Eastern Michigan...while also probably finding out the benefits of steroids and HGH. 

Libelous! you say?  Really?  Then riddle me this...why does he look like Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks?  (Besides...it can't be libel since I used the word "probably"). 

Besides that, Ben is a complete scum bucket with no redeeming values whatsoever, which makes him perfect for a shithole like Pittspuke.  While Braylon Edwards spends his time with dying children and setting up scholarship foundations, Fat Ben goes out and gets drunk on his ass partying with skanks that make Tara Reid look like mother Teresa.  Check out this site for the visual proof.  

To make matters worse, when this idiot flips off his motorcycle, he gets nothing more than a few broken teeth (making him look even more like a native Pittspukian) and some bumps and bruises.  When it happens to a Browns player...well, we all know that story.  And then, he's so stupid that he still vows not to wear a helmet.  I wonder if he was ever bright enough to finally pass his driver's test. 

But this is the "face" of the Squealers in 2007.  An ugly, self absorbed, classless dick who has been criticized by his teammates for a lack of work ethic, and has publicly thrown his old coach, Chin Cowher, under the bus.  Yeah...all Cowher did was to put a rookie QB behind a center and get him a Super Bowl ring on the backs of a great running game and stellar defense, despite QB play that could best be described as "Trent Dilferian". 

He sucks.  I will boo his every move, and hope for continued bad luck, pulled hamstrings, flat beer, and STD infested hoes to plague him.  It would please me to no end to see Findlay, Ohio secede from the state so I never again have to hear how he is "from Ohio". 

Speaking of Quarterbacks Sucking 

Nice regression by Derek Anderson back into Mr. Inaccuracy.  I should have known right from the start that it would be a rough day because DA usually starts slow, and then heats up.  Here, he started hot, going 7 for 11 for 56 yards and a touchdown. 

And that was about it.  You throw out that drive, and the last desperation drive, and Derek's stats from the 4:10 mark in the 1^st Quarter to the final 1:04 of the game were as follows: 

6 for 17 for 35 yards. 

Any worse, and he could qualify as a Brian Billick QB. 

"But he had two more TD passes in that time!".  Yeah...right.  Thanks to Brodney Pool's interception, Josh Cribbs amazing return, and another catch from Braylon Edwards that makes members of Cirque du Soleil say "how does he get his body to move that way?" 

This may seem strange (probably no surprise, given the rest of the tone of this column), but I think the fact that there were ZERO sacks is a negative for this game...at least a negative for DA.  Whereas last time the Browns faced the Squealers, Charlie Frye would take the pressure from the Pittspuke pass rush as a sign to superglue the football to his palm, Anderson was the exact opposite, pulling the trigger almost immediately in an attempt to get rid of the ball before he got hit. 

I'm not saying he should act as clueless as Charlie did, but you can't start looking for your checkdown receivers before Winslow or Edwards have a chance to get more than five yards into their route. 

Stand in there and give your playmakers a chance to get open. Yes, you WILL get hit more often, and you may give up a couple of sacks...but you'll also find the extra second may be all that K2, BE or JJ need to make a play for you. Given DA's return to scattershotness when it came to dump off passes, this just led to the worst QB performance we've seen from him since the Patriots game. 

Nine games into the season, and it remains a fact that the only starting QB in the NFL with a lower completion percentage than DA continues to be Tim Couch III, aka Alex Smith.  (David Carr being Tim Couch II). 
 

Worst Piece of ‘Coaching' I've Ever Seen 

I have, flat out, NEVER seen an NFL coach do something as stupid as Romeo did with his blowing of TWO (shakes head...reaches for his friend Mr. Daniels...but is still pissed) time outs on that last Pittspuke touchdown. 

IDIOT!!!!!   With just one more time out, they would have had a chance to get into real FG range for Dawson.  But, nooooooo!  Romeo just flat out froze up when the situation called for quick strategy and understanding of the situation. 

First of all...I didn't want them even winning that challenge.  Why?  Because there is no doubt in my mind that had the pass been ruled incomplete, the Squealers would have still scored, as it was only second down from the two.  No way would Tomlin had been as stupid as Holmgren  or Linehan and continually tried rushing up the middle with a second string RB (and Willie Parker is a bit more of a threat than Brian Leonard or Maurice Morris).  So no matter what, they almost certainly would have had a TD on the drive.  If they had taken longer to score, that would have been even LESS time available for the Browns to try to tie it. 

"But they may have fumbled or thrown an INT" 

Yeah, and monkeys may fly out my butt. 

(Notice I am currently conveniently forgetting the fact that time may not have been that big of an issue had not DA thrown three straight misfires on the subsequent drive, forcing a punt on the 3 and out.  I am done bitching at DA for the moment...it's time to bitch at Romeo). 

The worst part of this was Romeo's clueless and somewhat classless "explanation", where he blamed his players, his coaches, and the guy that put too much cream cheese on the bagel he was eating at the time, making it harder to be understood as he was shouting instructions with a mouth full. 

Blurbs from a Still Pissed Off ADHD Mind 

~~ The only thing easier to score on than the Cincinnati defense is Paris Hilton.  So how much fun was it that the Ratbirds couldn't even get within field goal range until the last few minutes of an already lost game?  Brian Billick reminded me of Silent Bob at the end of "Clerks II" when being asked for sage advise.  "I got nothin'." 

~~ Willie McGinest...I guess your momma had a LONG phone conversation with you after the game, didn't she?  In case there was any doubt, Old Willie gets the Same Monetary Value as Mammary Glands on a Sus Scrofa Award this week. 

~~ Nice cow pasture there at Heinz Field.  I wonder how much extra security they have to hire to keep the "female" Squealers fans from going down there and grazing. 

~~ Drew Carey almost ended on my ShiteList this week as well, seeing him raising that stupid "12^th Man" flag in Seattle prior to the Seahags Monday night game.  But he got back in my good graces by explaining up in the broadcast booth that it was due to him buying an arena football team there, and then talking some major love about Cleveland again.  On the other hand, whoever had the bright idea of starting off the segment with Drew with pictures from the Drive, Fumble, and Shot need to be taken out behind the Horse Trailer and have his scrotum attached to the generator. 

~~ Hines Ward evidently gave some props to the Browns as well...saying they are an up and coming team.  STFU, Hines...you're still a cheap shot artist and a punk. 

~~ So the Browns got to go to Appalachvania last weekend, and Kosovo-on-the-Chesapeake this weekend to play the Ratbirds?  Thanks a lot, Gooddell.  What's up for the next two weekends?  Calcutta and Mogadishu? Does the NFL have an official brand of Penicillin?  

~~ And as crappy as my football weekend was last weekend with OSU-Illinois and the Browns' game, it could be completely forgotten with a Buckeyes victory over those scum bags from that state up north and LLLLLLoyd Carr, plus a win over the Crackmore Criminals.  If both lose, I may have to write this column under the influence of Lithium next week.