Bengals Game Preview

Written by Mansfield Lucas

Mansfield Lucas is far from your conventional columnist. And instead of taking a look back at the Browns latest disappointment last Sunday, he has decided to look ahead. With a rather unconventional (and as always, hysterical) preview of this week's coming game against the Bengals. It's Mansfield. Don't ask. Just read.

The Browns are nicely slotted to draft an impact defender, which is really what they are missing. You watch AJ Hawk, Rayenthal James Lewis, or even Ed Reed (who I wanted Butch to pass on for a running back) ... and you see players who are all over the field. That's what we need; a player like that lady who wears number 43 for da Stillerz.

I like Rey Maualuga from USC - a lot. I dig those crazy Polynesia tats, or are the Micronesian? Melanesian? Who knows really what those ethnic categories mean anyway? He's the impact player we need, and since we're picking in the top three or four slots, I like our chances to land him. Beanie Wells is tempting, but he's injured all the time. If he comes to C-town, he'd get staph from the golf cart taking him from practice field to training room with his twisted ankle. When he goes elsewhere, like the formerly oft injured Adrian Peterson, he'll start 160 straight games. Book it.

In round two, we could go in a lot of different directions. When you're slotted that highly, a second round pick is a lot like a first round pick. We have some productive picks drafting here over the years, and maybe we can pick up another KJ, Dennis Northcutt, Quincy Morgan, or NyQuil Jackson, all of who were taken before the 35th overall pick by the conferedracy of dunces masquerading as our player personnel braintrust over the years. We could build upon past sucesses and take another WR, but they take forever to develop. I'm thinking we need a free agent at wide receiver who is skilled at running underneath routes and is a posession receiver to compliment Braylon, who doesn't believe in catching anything less than 30 yards downfield. I respect that. Not many people have a code to live by anymore. I digress. Anyway, Brady needs a wide receiver who can help him with his timing patterns and hot reads.

Back to round two. I'm going with two linebackers in the draft. I think it was inspired of RAC to play with only 10 defenders and one OLB in Alex Hall in his last season as head coach, but getting another outside linebacker would be somewhat helpful. One of the most highly rated 3 - 4 outside backer prospects is the kid from Texas, Brian Orakpo. Everette Brown could also fill this role, but for some strange reason Florida State prospects at this position give me the heebee jeebees. I don't quite know why. This would give us the playmaking ILB in Rey Tatoo Dude and a new OLB to pair with Hall. We add another ILB as a free agent and we're in business.

Anyhow, when Coach Cowher has these fresh prospects and the defensive line and safeties return healthy, we could have a very different defense.

It is always hard to slot picks three through seven. It is really just too dynamic. But I'm thinking we need a cornerback and right tackle prospects with picks three through five, and then take some fliers on guard and safety prospects.

All of this should make Coach Cowher's commute from Strongsville very pleasant.

In summary, what we need to do now that this offseason is in full swing is:

- Get Coach Cowher settled and complete his new staff hires.

- Keep Brady Quinn in town working with his receivers.

- Finish Braylon Edwards skin grafts to repair his hands; at UH.

- Draft an all-over-the-field defensive game changer in Rey Crazy Hair and Tats Beastie Cat.

- Sign a tough, possession, wide receiver who can move the chains as a free agent.

- Draft that OLB kid from Texas. After all, "Texas fights" they say. Just make sure he doesn't call Shaun Rogers "Beevo" by mistake.

- Load up on nothing but corners, safeties, and offensive linemen the rest of the draft and hope for the best.

- Cut everyone who does the following: Can't stay in offensive formation before the snap, has a QB rating under 50, and sits out multiple games for that-time-of-the-month.

I think that's a solid offseason plan to bounce back from this three win season and get the Bill Cowher Era off to the right start. With depth and key additions who actually like to play football, we have enough talent to turn this thing around without a complete roster purge that takes a five year, "woe-is-me", plan. There's no need to panic and run for the hills and do a complete roster re-boot.

I'm optimistic.

Posted by Mansfield Lucas Sep 22, 2008 7:00 PM

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