The Browns Outsider

A View From The Cheap Seats

Week 4 - Cleveland at Cincinnati

So that's what it looks like when two terrible teams play each other.

Yes, a game only a mother could watch.

If you want someone to blow sunshine up your ass and say "A win is a win is a win", you won't get it here.

Yes, the Cleveland Browns got the win.  Against the Cincinnati Bengals, one of the worst 5 teams in the league.  Who started their backup QB, who was awful.  And, despite 17 Bengal turnovers, the Browns still had a shot of losing it.

But the worst news?  We're stuck with Derek Anderson for another week.

I can't think of enough curse words to express how I feel about that.

The Browns desperately needed a victory, and they got it.  I should be happy.  I should be accepting.  I should say "At least DA got just enough done at the end to pull it out."  I can't say that.  This was the most dissatisfying victory I have ever experienced.

Call me negative if you want.  Call me a hopeless pessimist.  Call me a whiny bitch.  I don't care.  I ain't puttin' lipstick on this pig just to make you feel good.

The Defense played great (albeit against a backup QB).  They've actually done pretty well all season.  They won the game for the Browns on this day, and they are to be commended.

But they're not the 2000 Baltimore Ravens, and they can't carry this team with its serious Offensive woes.  If a change doesn't come on the O side of the ball in a great big huge freakin' hurry, this will be a 5 win team.

Romeo seems content to live or die with Derek Anderson.  We can only hope that he does the latter.

(And, no, I don't mean that literally.  I don't believe that Romeo Must Die.  I just want him drafted by the Army and sent to Lithuania for the next 40 years, where he is made to inventory fruits and vegetables and prophylactics.)

The Browns finally got off the schneid and I am still FURIOUS with the whole organization right now.  I am not drinking your Kool-Aid, Cleveland Browns Management.  You beat a terrible team minus their backup QB.  Whoopeedee Doo for you.

You try to spin this "victory" and I'll throw rotten avocadoes at my monitor.  Which is, yes, I know, self-defeating, but when your team insists on beating you down year after year, it's a nice break to beat yourself once in a while.

Take that any way you want to.

Pregame

I drank a Red Bull and 4 cups of coffee in anticipation of the game acting as a serious depressant.  I needed to find a way to stay awake.

It was close.

First Quarter

The Browns ran the ball well but settled for a FG.  Browns 3, Bengals 0.

Derek Anderson sucks.

End of 1^st:  Browns 3, Bengals 0.

Second Quarter

The Defense got tired and gave up a FG.  Browns 3, Bengals 3.

But they made up for it with a pick which was wasted when Derek Anderson couldn't make a simple 5 yard pass to Steve Heiden on 4^th and 1.  I don't want to say that my 8 year old daughter could have made that pass, but my 5 year old daughter could have made that pass.

My 8 year old daughter is more erratic and wears size 15 shoes.  Derek Anderson sucks.

Eric Wright made a great INT, but then fumbled the return, and Cincy got another bonus FG.  Bengals 6, Browns 3.

Halftime:  Bengals 6, Browns 3.

Third Quarter

Derek Anderson heaved up a piece of crap that was easily intercepted.  I figured, Hey, what an ideal situation!  DA had like 22 yards passing in the 1^st Half, just threw a pick, yet the Browns D has played well enough to keep Cleveland in the game.  What an ideal time to bring in Brady Quinn.  He has sucked plenty enough to warrant yanking, and yet the game is still winnable!

Foolish me.  That would be rational thought.  Here's how Romeo visualized it:

"DA was harassed a little bit, especially on one of his interceptions. I think if he wasn't harassed, that would have been a good play for our team. So I decided to give him another chance."

Uh, OK.  I think you're full of shit, but OK.  But that wasn't the only chance you gave him.

The Browns D stood tough again, but, thanks to Derek Anderson sucking and Braylon Edwards being a horse's ass (with a Personal Foul), the Browns got to punt again.  Derek Anderson sucks.

Surely, now, in the name of all that is good and holy, you will certainly make the change, will you not, O Romeo, O Romeo?

‘Course not.  RAC the Gambler was hell bent on riding his pocket 2's all the way to Bankruptcy. 

End of 3^rd:  Bengals 6, Browns 3.

Fourth Quarter

DA had another awful completely inexcusable pick called off because Cincy was Offsides, and that seemed to give him the motivation (since his job and pride weren't enough) to sort of "help" the Browns O down to a TD.  Braylon finally made a nice catch in the End Zone to end the Allah-Awful drought that he had been suffering through previously.  Browns 10, Bengals 6.

Chris Perry, who was vomit-inducing all game (although not helped by his QB), fumbled right away, and the Browns cashed in on a storied 24 yard drive for a TD.  Browns 17, Bengals 6.

The immortal Ryan Fitzpatrick then led the Bengals on a quick drive down the field for a TD, and, suddenly, that All-Pro Bengals squad was back in the thang.  Browns 17, Bengals 12.

In order to close out the contest, DA led his team on an epic 23 yard drive, the kind that inspires poets and florists to great works of art.  The kind that leads to a punt.

Then, my surrogate son, Alex Hall, got a sack and forced a fumble, and the Browns took over at the Bengal 19 with about 2 minutes left.  Even DA couldn't copulate that one up.  Cleveland settled for a FG, but the game was as good as over.  Browns 20, Bengals 12.

The Great Fitzpatrick tried to work a miracle, but he got picked along the way.  The Browns, despite a Delay of Game penalty, were able to assume the victory formation for the 1^st time all year. 

The bards are already composing songs regarding the win.

Derek Anderson sucks.

Final:  Browns 20, Bengals 12.

Offensive MVP:  Jamal Lewis.  79 yard rushing, 15 yards receiving, and a TD.  That's the best I can do.

Defensive MVP(s):  The Whole D.  I could name the obvious... Alex Hall, Shaun Rogers, Brandon McDonald, Eric Wright, Mike Adams... but really it was a group effort.  I know they played against a shitty team with a shitty backup.  Still, they were supposed to deliver, and they did.

Conclusion

~~~The other day, I went to the car wash to stick some quarters in the Super-Vac to clean out my vehicle.  That thing was powerful.  It sucked up all the little rocks and dirt that were on my floor mat.  It even sucked up all the crap that my daughters had spilled in the back seat.

I mean, that thing sucked so hard and so long that I re-named it Derek Anderson.

___________

~~~There were other ways I could have gone with that, but this is a family site, after all.  And Zeus knows that I wouldn't want to offend anyone.

___________

~~~The way I see it, there are only 3 options that Phil Savage has at this point:

1.  Fire Romeo Crennel.  Make sure his replacement understands that DA is not to start any longer.

2.  Tell Romeo Crennel that DA is not to start any longer.  Should he refuse to comply, fire him, and make sure his replacement understands... well, you know.

3.  Trade DA to Kansas City for a 5^th Round pick (which is all you can really hope to get for him).  Romeo Crennel will probably quit in protest.  Thank him for letting you out of his contract extension.  Coordinate the parade downtown with local government officials and celebrities.

___________

~~~If you tied Rob Chudzinski down and forced truth serum down his throat and asked him what his advice would have been regarding who should be QB in the latter stages of the 4^th Quarter, I'll bet you Ben Roethlisberger's life that he would have said Quinn.

___________

~~~Looking back on NFL history, and I may be wrong, I cannot see a previous situation in which a Head Coach was fired after 4 Regular Season games, the last being a win.

But there's always room for precedent.

___________

~~~The Browns had 9 more penalties.  Every other play, they lined up Offsides.

That's just good coaching right there, I tell ya.

___________

~~~The game was so spectacularly unspectacular that the loudest cheers heard emitted by myself all day were the one accompanying Lavernaues Coles' three 1^st Half TD's against the Arizona Cardinals.  Why is that?  He's on my fantasy team.

Yeah, that's right, I know my shit.  Not because I'm some random fan, no, not by a long shot.  It's because I'm the owner of the 4-0 Gunga-Ga-Lunga, a fantasy team for the ages.

And, as everyone knows, fantasy football is just like real life.

___________

~~~Much was made of the so-called "altercation" on the sidelines between Braylon Edwards and Derek Anderson.  Jamal Lewis was there to intercede, but it really seemed to be much ado about nothing. 

However, is that really the case?  I don't know.  Through my incredible and impeccable NFL sources, I have come up with this exclusive audio evidence:

Braylon:  That was a ****sucking throw.

Derek:  You call me a ****sucker?

Braylon:  No, I said it was ****sucking throw.

Derek:  Well, you missed your route, buddy.

Braylon:  You just spit on me!

Derek:  I did not spit on you!

Braylon:  You just spit on me.

Derek:  I did not spit on you!

Braylon:  I know my business, Derek.  You're Sears & Roebuck material.

Derek:  You're pushin' it, buddy, you're pushin' it.  You want me to stop throwin' it to you, I'll stop throwin' it to you.

Braylon:  Oh, you want me to call you a ****sucker?

Derek:  Go ahead, try it.

Braylon:  You want me to call you a ****sucker?

Derek:  Try it.

Braylon:  Beg me.

Derek:  Call me a ****sucker.

Braylon:  Pretty please beg.

Derek:  Call me a ****sucker and you don't get no more throws.

Braylon:  Pretty please beg.

Derek:  Call me a ****sucker and you don't get no more throws.

Braylon:  You're a ****sucker!

Derek:  You don't get no more throws!

And then, fortunately, Jamal Lewis stepped in between the boys and ended a potential ruckus.

Whew.  I'd hate for those two to be out of sync.

___________

~~~Nothing shows Managerial control like 2 co-workers yelling at each other in the Break Room.

___________

~~~The few people that read my crap will doubtless be disappointed by this effort, and with good reason.  The truth is that I am far too frustrated to waste my time and effort recapping a game that deserves nothing from us but an instantaneous collective lobotomy.  And I wanted to get my thoughts out there as soon as possible before I ran out of angst/anger/bile/venom/etc.  So I rushed this out there so it would get early reads and thus be somewhat pertinent, as I am sure I will be doing nothing but echoing the sentiments of everyone out there but the shills.

Next Up

~~~The Bye Week.

The Browns have not been very successful against the Bye Week the last couple years, but I think that even Romeo can find a way this year to come out of it without a loss.

But I wouldn't put money on that.