Written by Dave Kolonich

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Another one of the new writers we added as a result of our Columnist Contest, today we unveil the debut piece from Dave Kolonich, and man is it a good one. With the NFL Draft under three weeks away, Dave takes a stab at a mock draft, and does it with a different approach than you'll see from most of the more traditional draftniks. Who does he have the Browns taking at #5? It may surprise you at first, but the pick actually makes a lot of sense. The following mock draft was compiled solely for the sake of entertainment. It is not to be taken seriously, but if some braindead producer wants to force Todd McShay and Mel Kiper to fake argue its merits, then The Cleveland Fan gives ESPN its blessing.

1. DETROIT - Milton Reeves

Wide Receiver, Bus Driver
143 Years Old
5'5, 140 lbs.


















ANALYSIS:

Reeves is experienced and has wheels. His 40 time was lacking, but this was mainly due to Reeves' Octocar's lack of pickup. Reeves' age may work against him, but his experience may prove to be invaluable during the Lions' current transition. Depending on how fast he can adjust to the Lions' new playbook, he could be slotted to start opposite Calvin Johnson. Reeves also brings a blue-collar attitude and roots to the team, which could resonate with the city's proud tradition of automotive innovation.

When asked for comment about his former team's first-round pick, NBC football analyst Matt Millen offered the following:

I like it. Reeves is a throwback. Plus, the Lions are thin at receiver.


2. ST. LOUIS - Tom Chambers

Defensive End
49 Years Old
6'10, 230 lbs.



















ANALYSIS:

Chambers will be a key addition to the Rams rebuilding program, as he can fit into the team's defensive line rotation alongside Chris Long and Adam Carriker. Chambers brings incredible length to the table, as his wingspan will cause havoc on opposing passers. His athleticism is unquestioned, but his toughness may prove a shortcoming, especially when going against top notch black athletes, such as Seattle's Walter Jones or Xavier McDaniel. However, the Rams are viewing Chambers as another solid locker room addition, solely based on his whiteness.

Fan response to the selection of Chambers has been overwhelmingly positive. A recent post on a Rams message board echoed these sentiments:

DrewBennett83: He can dunk from the 3-point line! SB here we come!


3. KANSAS CITY - Andrew Jackson

Strong Safety
241 Years Old
6'1, 180 lbs.






























ANALYSIS:

Jackson brings leadership and toughness to the Chiefs. Although a bit undersized for an NFL strong safety, Jackson is a heady player who plays with an incredible mean streak. Jackson's philosophy on playing safety is very simple. Punish receivers crossing the middle of the field...for their own good:

The consequences of a speedy removal will be important to the United States, to individual States, and to the Indians themselves. The pecuniary advantages which it Promises to the Government are the least of its recommendations. It puts an end to all possible danger of collision between the authorities of the General and State Governments on account of the Indians.

The pick is currently being protested by the Native American Rights Fund.


4. SEATTLE - Art Modell

Quarterback
98 Years Old
5'7, 230 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

A bit of a surprise pick here by the Seahawks, as they reached for an ex-NFL owner currently suffering from dementia and rickets. Modell does offer experience in trying to run an NFL offense, as he spent large portions of his career chasing away talented coaches from Cleveland. Modell will likely begin the season on the Physically Unable to Perform List, but considering the recent injury history of Matt Hasselbeck, he could take over as starter by as early as Week Six.

This pick is viewed by most experts as an attempt to fill the leadership void left by the retirement of Mike Holmgren. However, most Seahawk fans see the pick as the first step towards losing yet another Seattle franchise, as both the Sonics and Mariners have left the city in recent years.


5. CLEVELAND - Napoleon I of France

Striker
239 Years Old
5'6, 155 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

Most mock draft experts predicted the Browns would grab Napoleon with the 5th pick. Napoleon brings a tenacious attitude and work ethic to the Browns, who badly needed to upgrade their linebacker core. Although Napoleon's size is a bit small to absorb the punishment a NFL player receives, his leadership is unquestioned. Browns' owner Randy Lerner was reportedly blown away by Napoleon's attention to detail in pre-draft interviews and subsequently agreed to trade all of the team's draft picks to stay at #5 in order to get their man.

Recent reports have also suggested that the soccer-crazed Lerner is intrigued by Napoleon's knowledge of Europe. He is currently putting the final touches on purchasing another Premier League team to be known as The Grand Armee, which will be led by Napoleon.


6. Cincinnati - KiJana Carter

Running Back
36 Years Old
5'10, 222 lbs.






















ANALYSIS:

A very controversial pick by the Bengals, as they had to settle on Carter after the league would not authorize the team's initial selections of Alabama guard Andre Smith and current NFL wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Commissioner Roger Goodell scolded Bengals owner Mike Brown for not following the rules of the historical mock draft and later stripped the team of its remaining draft picks.

Carter does offer experience for a thin Bengals backfield, but questions linger about the after-effects of his two previous devastating knee injuries. Head coach Marvin Lewis is confident that the selection of Carter will improve the team.

"Does he have a criminal record? No? Then bring him in. Look, I'm just running out the clock here. Leave me alone."


7. Oakland - Name not Given

Wide Receiver, Cornerback
Undisclosed Age
5'6, 135 lbs.






















ANALYSIS:

A bold move here by Al Davis as he selects a wanted Somali pirate with the 7th overall pick. Although small, this Somali brings the team some much desired speed on the outside and should seamlessly fit into the Raider outlaw tradition. Despite having limited English skills and being a wanted criminal, the Raiders are hoping their pick will give JaMarcus Russell a deep threat. However, the team could shift the Somali to cornerback, to take advantage of his natural instincts. When asked for additional information regarding the pick, Davis offered the following:

"I'm not going to tell you anything. His name is not important. He's a Raider now. It's a matter of trust."


8. Jacksonville - Mark Rosenblum

Quarterback, Attorney at Law
74 Years Old
5'4, 195 lbs.




















ANALYSIS:

A steal here by Jacksonville, as Rosenblum comes highly recommended from crime-infested Jacksonville. Although having no prior football experience, Rosenblum offers great intelligence and should have instant rapport in the locker room. He should instantly become the face of the franchise, which could help in improving the team's dismal fan attendance at games. The Jaguar staff is excited at the possibilities of Rosenblum and Matt Jones leading the team in 2009. Jones especially is thrilled by the team's selection. When contacted in Arkansas, Jones offered the following:

"I am SO PUMPED UP! JESUS! Allright, come down a little Matt. I need to come down...oh man, just a little!"


9. Green Bay - David "Monterey" Jacks

Offensive Lineman
187 Years Old
5'4, 240 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

Another bit of controversy here, as the team initially wanted to select Brett Favre's old locker with their first pick. Again, beleaguered Commisioner Roger Goodell had to step in to prevent the selection, as inanimate objects are not allowed to be drafted. Most analysts think this pick was a last-minute reach, as the team admitted that they had not scouted anyone except Brett Favre. It is unclear what Jacks will bring to the team, but he should instantly become a fan favorite in Lambeau thanks to his invention of Monterey Jack cheese. However, team physician Dr. Patrick McKenzie feels the pick could cause more harm than good to the fan base.

"Green Bay is already double-coronary Ground Zero. This isn't good."


10. San Francisco - Harvey Milk

Wide Receiver
79 Years Old
5'5, 140 lbs.






















ANALYSIS:

A bit of a surprise pick here by the 49ers, as Milk's combine performance was subpar. His 9.80 40-yard dash time was less than ideal, but Coach Mike Singletary was sold on Milk's inspirational leadership and organizational qualities. The pick also signals a shift towards recognizing the community in San Francisco, which should help boost lagging attendance. 49ers management has already begun the process by sending out their top draft pick into the city to rally fans.

"My name is Harvey Milk...and I'm here to recruit you!"


11. Buffalo - Omar Conger

Running Back
190 Years Old
5'9, 160 lbs.





















ANALYSIS:

An interesting move here by Buffalo, as they select the former U.S. Representative from Michigan. Conger's regional ties surely played a factor in his selection. Conger will certainly have to add some bulk in order to hold up as an NFL running back. Conger's smarts and leadership qualities are a positive for Buffalo, as he is considered a "thinking man's running back." However, some of Conger's philosophies may not mesh with Bills fans, as he advocated the removal of the buffalo from conquered lands. In Buffalo, Conger may set his sights on loyal Bill fans, clearing the way for the team's eventual move to Toronto. Conger's views on buffalo may be considered by some to be controversial.

"They are as uncivilized as the Indian."


12. Denver - Soapy Smith

Running Back
148 Years Old
5'6, 155 lbs.






























ANALYSIS:

Not a surprising move here considering the moves the Broncos have made in the 2009 offseason. Smith's shifty running style should help the Broncos as they adjust to life after Mike Shanahan. Smith is not a typical NFL power back, due to his size and nature. He will be counted on to run outside the tackles, and should be utilized on draw plays and screen passes. New Broncos coach Josh McDaniels already has plans for a Wildcat type package featuring Smith. The formation will be called the The Prize Package Soap Sell Swindle. For the offensive-minded McDaniels, the pick was a no-brainer.

"Jesus, Pat Bowlen is dumb. First, he hires a 32 year old to run the team, then he lets Cutler walk. And now this. Maybe I should try to sell him my old I-Pod."


13. Washington - Chief Naiche

Defensive End
152 Years Old
6'3, 210 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

Solid pick here by the Redskins, as the team further bolsters its defensive line depth. Naiche ran an impressive 4.5 40 yard dash time in the Combine and has impressive length and jumping ability. Naiche should fit in right alongside Albert Haynesworth in the Redskins' revamped defense. Owner Daniel Snyder is being celebrated by the D.C. community in reaching out to the Native Americans who inspired the team's logo. Naiche should contribute right away, but only if he signs on time to begin training camp. Contract negotiations have reportedly been rocky in the initial stages.

"All he wanted was some gunpowder and shiny buttons. I countered with 80 million over 9 years. Hopefully, we can get the deal done."


14. New Orleans - This Girl

Various
20 Years Old
5'5, 115 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

The Saints took the safe pick at #14 by drafting a drunk girl found wandering the streets during Mardi Gras. Evidentally, she was separated from her friends and wound up in the Saints' lap. Mardi Gras Girl has never played football before, but has seen Reggie Bush on the E! Channel. Some draft experts were concerned about her size and durability, but Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey is not worried.

"Oh, she'll fit right in. I'll show her a good time."


15. Houston - Dick Cheney

Defensive Tackle
68 Years Old
5'8, 230 lbs.
























ANALYSIS:

The Texans get solid value in the mid-first round with the former Vice President and Halliburton CEO. Cheney brings a level of toughness that the team has been lacking since their inception. Cheney has suffered some medical setbacks in recent years, but plays with a mean streak described by some as "a combination of Al Haynesworth and Ghengis Khan." Some Texans' officials worry about Cheney's tendancy to ignore the rulebook at times. Also, others in the community are concerned about his plans to destroy Reliant Stadium, then award no-bid government contracts to rebuild it. However, Cheney tried to reassure the Texans following his selection that the team made the right choice.

"F-you, Liberal sports media..."


16. San Diego - Mr. Angelino

Left Tackle
45 Years Old
5'7, 210 lbs.
























ANALYSIS:

Remember that one time when Mr. Angelino was hosting the powerful mafia boss...or he maybe he was a food critic and Jack prepared the meal, but Fernando was upset at Jack because Angelino promoted Jack over him, so Fernando added extra pepper to Jack's red clam sauce and the Mafia guy/food critic's eyes bulged out of his sockets because the sauce was so hot and all along Janet and Jack came up with this idea to make Jack look like an abusive husband, so Jack would get fired and Fernando would get his promotion?

Right, well Mr. Angelino doesn't tolerate foolishness. When reached for comment, Angelino offered the following:

"Tripper!!!"


17. NY Jets - Tony Danza

Wide Receiver
58 Years Old
5'5, 160 lbs.






















ANALYSIS:

Solid pick here by the Jets as they try to improve their depleted receiving corps. Danza brings speed, passion and incredible footwork to the position. Danza's size could be a concern, but his background as a boxer and cab driver brings an added element of toughness to the club. Danza seems to be a perfect choice for New York, as he will no doubt embrace the big city pressures that can overwhelm a rookie. Jet fans, notorious for booing the team's draft selections, seem to be ecstatic over the pick. The sentiment shared by most fans has been described as an endorphin rush.

"So you take your thing and smack it in her face and ask...who's da boss? I love that f-ing joke."


18. Chicago - Pope John Paul II

Middle Linebacker
88 Years Old
5'3, 180 lbs.





















ANALYSIS:

Most draft experts thought the Bears would go quarterback with this pick. However, the Bears are looking to keep intact their line of succession at the middle linebacker position. If Pope John Paul II can improve his technique, he may supplant current Pope Brian Urlacher in 2010. Paul's instincts and otherworldly strength impressed the Bears organization enough to bypass selecting a franchise quarterback here.

Paul also offers leadership and compassion, which should help him emerge as a locker room leader. Paul's local roots in the Polish community may have also factored into the Bears decision, as the team's fans returned to their Catholic roots during the Rex Grossman era. Bears' management is already impressed by Paul instantly assuming a leadership role after his selection.

"Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song. "


19. Tampa Bay - Chris Berman

Center, Wide Receiver, Quarterback, Running Back, Punter
53 Years Old
5'7, 240 lbs.






















ANALYSIS:

Interesting development at #19 as Tampa Bay selects ESPN commentator Chris Berman. The audience appeared stunned at the selection, as no representatives from the Buccaneers were present for the choice. Immediately after Chicago carried off Pope John Paul II at #18, Berman himself rushed to the stage and launched into a lengthy, obscenity-filled tirade, declaring that he was the new face of the Bucs.

It is not clear what, if any, position Berman will play with the Buccaneers. Draft experts feel the only logical position Berman could play would be on the offensive line, but it is clear that Berman wants the ball in his hands on every play. How the new management in Tampa deals with Berman will be interesting to watch. Berman has already made initial contract demands.

"I'm going to wear my f-ing Bay of Pigs tie every Sunday! And get ready for endless references to the Big Sombrero! And somebody better fix the f-ing teleprompter!!"


20. Detroit (from Dallas) - Joyce Carol Oates

Wide Receiver
70 Years Old
5'3, 135 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

Most mock draft experts had Oates falling to Detroit with this pick. Oates brings speed and toughness to the Lions' weakest position. Her on-field intelligence and passion will likely immediately impress the new coaching staff in Detroit. Although her size is a concern, Lions management were impressed by her mental and physical attributes, along with Oates' blasting 55 225lb. bench presses at the combine.

Lions fans are already buzzing about Oates' arrival in Detroit, as she has always held the Lions in esteem. Her first novel, With Shuddering Fall, was inspired by the team. Although Oates is known for publicly expressing her feelings, a shakeup in the Lions locker room may prove beneficial.

"They are complete ass clowns for drafting me this high."


21. Philadelphia - Ben Franklin

Right Guard
214 Years Old
5'7, 245 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

Solid pick here by the Eagles, as the team continues its tradition of drafting linemen. Franklin brings much needed bulk to the offensive line and his low center of gravity should help him in the trenches. Some teams were a bit scared off by Franklin's weight at the combine, but the Eagles were impressed by his intelligence and meticulous attention to detail in pre-draft interviews. Franklin has suffered from some injuries in the past, including a bad case of the gout, but has successfully improved his conditioning and overall health since devoting himself to a moral lifestyle.

Eagles management feels confident Franklin can step in and help the club win in 2009, despite playing in the media pressure cooker of Philadelphia. Franklin has appeared unshaken so far in dealing with the media.

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."


22. Minnesota - Ivar the Boneless

Defensive End
1169 Years Old
5'7, 170 lbs.



















ANALYSIS:

Although the Vikings had more pressing roster needs, they couldn't pass up Ivar's amazing strength and tenacious physicality. Ivar brings good size to the line and is very experienced in hand to hand combat. His mean streak is legendary and Vikings coaches feel if Ivar works on his technique, his unique pass rushing move, the "blood eagle", could be devastating to opposing linemen. Ivar should fit right it into the Vikings defensive line, which already features another Nordic throwback in Jared Allen.

Some draft experts are concerned about Ivar's brittle body and rumors persist about his health. However, Vikings coach Brad Childress remains confident that Ivan can perform consistently at the NFL level.

"He's not really boneless, right? That's just a nickname? What?! Jesus! Why doesn't someone tell me these things?!"


23. New England - Aldrich Ames

Undisclosed
68 Years Old
N/A





























ANALYSIS:

Ames should be a perfect fit in New England, as he brings speed and plenty of intelligence to the team. It is unclear exactly which position Ames will play with the Patriots, but the team believes his experience can be utilized in several ways, which could be similar to Troy Brown's versatility. Ames is an expert at reading coverage and often seems to know which plays the opposing team will run.

The pick itself was shrouded in secrecy, as the no representatives from the team were actually present during the draft. Also, Ames himself was not in attendance. When reached for comment, Patriots coach Bill Belichick offered the following explanation.

"No comment."


24. Atlanta - Betty White

Center
89 Years Old
5'7, 210 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

Interesting pick by the Falcons as the team could have gone in a number of directions. Evidentally still reeling from the Michael Vick dog cruelty charges, the team took another step to clean up their public image by selecting the animal-loving White. White's age is certainly a concern, but the team was blown away by her desire and compassion for the game. White will probably spend most of 2009 learning the position of center, but could contribute in the case of injury. White will need to work on her conditioning, but her size and strength are above average compared to other women her age.

The Falcons have already released White into the community in an act of goodwill targeting critics of the team. Immediately after the draft, White has already rescued 26 dogs from the Falcons' locker room. Some mock draft experts are concerned that the old school, traditional White may not fit into the hip-hop, street culture NFL environment. However, White does not seem concerned.

"All creatures must learn to coexist. That's why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Or course, they can't mate or the mice would explode."


25. Miami - Anthony "The Baker" Catania

Right Tackle
98 Years Old
5'7, 210 lbs.


















ANALYSIS:

Most mock draft experts felt the Dolphins would take Catania if he fell to them at 25. Catania offers the Dolphins another big body to plug in on the offensive line. Catania's size and muscle should make him an instant starter on the right side of the line, which could improve the Dolphins' run game. Catania plays low and can mix it up with bigger bodies, but his conditioning does need to improve. Dolphins coach Tony Sparano should be able to improve Catania's technique with a full preseason of preparation.

This pick has Dolphins VP Bill Parcells' stamp all over it, as the team wanted to improve its mental toughness heading into 2009. Parcells cites Catania's past as a major influence in the team making the pick. When asked for comment, Parcells responded in his typical blunt nature.

"Fugheddaboudit."


26. Baltimore - Nicky Barnes

Middle Linebacker
76 Years Old
5'5, 165 lbs.




















ANALYSIS:

Solid pick by Baltimore as Barnes brings intensity and toughness to the Ravens D. Although a bit small for an NFL linebacker, Barnes could flourish behind a very good Ravens defensive line. He should be able to use his speed to flow unmolested to ball carriers. This pick signals that the Ravens have their sights set on the future. Ray Lewis is rapidly aging and in recent years has not been indicted on any serious criminal charges. Barnes should bring the unpredictability and murderous tendencies that made a young Ray Lewis such a feared player.

Commissioner Roger Goodell was reportedly concerned by the pick, citing the league's ongoing problems with gun arrests and off the field violence. Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome does not think Barnes will be a problem in Baltimore, considering Lewis' influence in the club's locker room. Immediately after selecting Barnes, Lewis was reported to have texted the Ravens' new linebacker.

"Bitch better step the f- off! This is still my team!"


27. Indianapolis - Michael Steele

Tight End
50 Years Old
6'0, 210 lbs.

















ANALYSIS:

Interesting selection by the Colts as many mock draft experts predicted the team would look for defensive help, rather than bolster an existing strength at tight end. However, Michael Steele brings great height and athleticism to the position and gives quarterback Peyton Manning another pass catching option. Steele's musical theatre and fencing background highlights his unique skill set, as he should seamlessly fit into the Colts' finesse passing scheme. The selection of Steele also signals the Colts' desire to add more color to an otherwise vanilla locker room.

Although viewed a controversial figure by most Colts fans, due to his color and the fact that he is not white, Steele is confident he will win over his teammates and the legions of Colt fans.

"I've already chatted with Peyton and Dallas Clark and we are all in agreement. This offense is going to be OFF THE HOOK!"


28. NY Giants - Erik Erikson

Wide Receiver
107 Years Old
5'6, 180 lbs.






















ANALYSIS:

The Giants didn't enter the draft with many pressing needs, so the selection of Erikson could be viewed as a luxury pick. Erikson doesn't bring much athletic ability to the field, as his Combine 40 time was subpar. However, Erikson does excel at reading defenses and could offer the Giants a soothing, positive voice in the locker room, which should balance out the harsh, frank, and sometimes militaristic manner of coach Tom Coughlin.

After his selection, Erikson stressed that he has a lot of preparations to make before training camp opens. Erikson said that he's looking forward to meeting troubled Giants stars Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress.

"It is obvious that young Eli is suffering from Role Confusion, which is common for most teenagers. Perhaps he was not allowed to explore freely as a child and was pushed into a life not of his own choosing."


29. Oakland (from Carolina via Philadelphia) - Henreddy Barbarossa

Strong Safety
535 Years Old
5'7, 180 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

Although forbidden by mock draft rules, Oakland trades up to grab the legendary Barbarossa to bolster their secondary. Raiders owner Al Davis was reportedly intrigued by Barbarossa's experience and leadership qualities. Barbarossa brings great size and speed to the position and could eventually embody the Raider tradition of toughness and committing several penalties a game.

Some draft experts were concerned about Barbarossa's commitment to the sport, as he has often left games at halftime to besiege and capture port cities, which could be a problem since the team plays mostly on the West Coast. However, Davis seems unfazed by Barbarossa's past and seems genuinely excited by this year's draft, in which the team added a Somali pirate early in the first round.

"It may take a short while, but we'll get that nastiness of the Raiders back. And that's one of the reasons we're going to depend on the great Art Shell to help us get that done."


30. Tennessee - Roy Head

Fullback
68 Years Old
5'7, 205 lbs.





















ANALYSIS:

Most mock draft experts felt the Titans would get Head if he was still on the board at 30. Head brings a rare combination of toughness and finesse, which should further complement the team's already potent ground attack. Head is a strong lead blocker but also displays soft hands, which should complement the Titans' passing attack.

Titans' head coach Jeff Fisher was initially not sold on drafting Head in the first round, but was reportedly talked into it by another country singer, quarterback Kerry Collins. Some draft experts question selecting a Fullback this high in the draft, but Head seems ready to convince the league that he is a multi-dimensional player.

"Most people think of me as a White Texas Soul Shooter, but there are Many Sides to Roy Head."


31. Arizona - Jesus of Nazareth

Wide Receiver
2034 Years Old
5'6, 145 lbs.





























ANALYSIS:

Solid choice by Arizona as they select the Son of God with the 31st pick. Jesus brings wonderful athleticism and determination to the team and should combine with Larry Fitzgerald to give quarterback Kurt Warner another downfield threat. Some mock draft experts expressed concern over Jesus' light frame and inability to add much needed bulk. However, the team feels Jesus may be the final piece to get the team back to the promised land.

Besides a potential holdout, some draft experts worry about Jesus' recent suggestion that he may have other commitments on Sundays during the season. However, Jesus put those fears to rest during a post-draft interview, pledging his devotion to the Cardinals.

"Yes, I am with you always, until the very end of time"


32. Pittsburgh - Joe Primanti

Right Guard
90 Years Old
5'5, 345 lbs.


















ANALYSIS:

Another solid late-round pick by the defending champions, as Primanti should bolster the team's offensive line. Primanti brings great size and strength and should enhance the Steelers running attack. Although a bit short compared to traditional NFL linemen, Primanti is very innovative in his blocking techniques, as he is very effective at chop blocking. Primanti should be an instant fan favorite in Pittsburgh as his obesity and local ties should endear him to the city.

Fan reaction to the Primanti selection has been overwhelmingly positive. A recent message board post summed up the city's excitement regarding Primanti.

FastWillie68: "Is it hot in here? I don't feel so good. I can't move my arm--I think I better call 9-1-....."