Written by Chris Hutchison

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Free Agency

During a normal Free Agency period, we all get very excited, looking hungrily down the list like we're perusing menus for dim sum or sushi or tapas - "Ooooooo!  I want one of those!  And two of those!  And - oh! - six of those!"

However, this year's FA menu is a pitiful thing to behold.  There's a head of iceberg lettuce covered with salt, a tofu smoothie, and a hunk of tuna that's been sitting in the sun for three days and smells worse than New Jersey.  Not very appetizing.

Why is the 2010 Free Agency period so lame?  Two easy reasons:

1. The CBA situation caused anyone with under 6 years of NFL experience to get locked into Restricted Free Agency, severely depleting the quality and quantity of the Free Agent market.

2. The uncertain NFL future causes teams to have trouble determining how to structure contracts, allowing for a lot of hesitancy and foot-dragging.

The 6 year Restriction is really the big one.  In order to be eligible for Unrestricted Free Agency at this point, you have to be about 28 or 29 years old - which means your time as a useful and productive player are probably limited, especially for the kind of contract you'll be demanding.

And that's just the youngest of the UFA crop.  Most of the Unrestricted Free Agents are in their 30's, their best years appearing closer than they are just because they're in the rearview mirror.

Sure, there's a couple juicy guys out there that some team will massively overpay for, but the vast majority of the players available are past their prime (if they ever had one).  The lists are heinous.  QB, for instance.  Who's the #1 UFA QB?  Why, it's Chad Pennington!  Weak armed, multiple-shoulder-surgery Chad Pennington!  Yippee Kie Yay!

This is why I didn't bother with a FA primer this year.  Nothing to prime for.

Now, there are a TON of Restricted Free Agents of interest, but they'll probably cost you a 1st or 2nd Round pick to steal away.  Even if you determine the player is so good you don't mind surrendering the high pick, likely any contract you negotiate is just doing the legwork for their current team, who will gladly match after you have worked out the financial parameters.

A few RFA's will change teams, but, in all reality, if the team that currently owns their rights wants to keep them, they will.

On one hand, this is good for the Browns, because it enables them to keep a slew of players that are highly valuable to the team (Jerome Harrison, Lawrence Vickers, D'Qwell Jackson, Matt Roth, and Jason Trusnik).  On the other hand, it doesn't really allow them to improve all that much outside of depth players and - maybe - some marginal starters.

In 2010, if you really want to acquire younger players that will significantly improve your team for a significant span of time, you need to make some trades.

Be it through the draft or trades or Restricted Free Agency - building your team will cost you draft picks this year.

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Regarding Pashos & Fujita

Despite sounding like an Asian pop band, I like everything about the signing of Pashos & Fujita.  Which, naturally, contradicts everything I just said above.  Which is something I like to do.

I've liked Tony Pashos since Illinois, and his contract was fairly reasonable considering.  He brings the Browns the highest quality RT since Ryan Tucker was still healthy.  That was a solid FA acquisition, and hopefully will put to bed the "draft a RT in the 1st Round" silliness.

Fujita is another player I really like - a bigger LB (6'5, 250) that can help plug the middle and solidify that rotation.  Sure, the Browns had to overpay for him (3 yrs, $14 mil, $8 mil guaranteed), but that's what bad teams have to do.  And, if they were smart, they front loaded the contract for this uncapped season.

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Regarding Seneca Wallace

It appears the Browns have made a much anticipated trade for a QB.  However, it is not one that many expected.  7 year veteran (this will be his 8th year) Seneca Wallace - Holmgren's backup in Seattle - is the magic bean.  In the last 2 years, he's started 10 games, passing for 14 TD, 5 INT, 2232 yards, and an 86 QB rating.  Plus, he knows the West Coast system.  He's the kind of young vet that many around here wanted, and the Browns got him for only a 2011 conditional late round pick.

He's also only 5'11.  Now, I know that many will argue that a 6' QB just won the Super Bowl.  However, there is no denying that his height is a disadvantage, one that kept him from being a hot commodity.

My guess is that Heckgrengini made several calls to Philly for Kevin Kolb or Donovan McNabb, and found the asking price too high.  Unable/unwilling to pull one of those big names out of Eastern PA, they started looking for low-risk, high reward alternatives such as Wallace, David Carr, and Matt Flynn.  Holmgren's familiarity with Wallace, along with the relatively low asking price, got the deal done.

Of course, the $50 question is: What does this mean for Brady Quinn?

I mean, we know that Derek Anderson's release is a certainty (that blessed date cannot arrive quickly enough).  But the Browns other not-good QB, Mr. Quinn, is probably still in the mix (assuming the Browns don't acquire another QB between now and August).  I don't read this move as one for a clear-cut starter.  I believe that Holmgren will want to take a look at both QB's with live pills flying.

Now, before you go trumpeting the fact that Holmgren did indeed proclaim that there would be no QB competition, that the Browns will choose a QB and "get behind him", I'm guessing that applies to Training Camp.  There's plenty of time in minicamps and OTA's for Quinn and Wallace to try to get a one-up on each other. 

If Quinn truly is a starter in the NFL, he'd better show it between now and the end of July.  It is my belief that he will have to actually "beat out" Wallace, because if it's a tie, Holmgren will opt for the product he is more comfortable with.

Let the QB debate rage all Summer.  Again.  Yay.

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Regarding Corey Williams

Speaking of trades, the Browns made another one prior to Wallace, sending DT Corey Williams and a 7th to Detroit for a 5th Round pick.

This seems like a good deal for the Lions, because Williams is fairly effective in 4-3, and that's what Detroit runs.  Surrendering only a 5th Rounder for him is good value.

It's debatable how important it was to the Browns, however.  Williams was blasé in Cleveland's 3-4, and he had a large salary.  Dumping him any other year would've been hard on the salary cap, but this is the offseason to purge bad contracts.  So I suppose that Heckgrengini felt a 5th Round pick was enough to rid the team of an expensive and easily-replaceable player.

The most telling thing about this trade is that it screams organizational support for Mangini's 3-4 Defense, which makes me think that Holmgren's support for his Coach is more than just temporary window dressing.  You don't trade away a good 4-3 DT if you plan on switching to a 4-3 in 2011.

Cleveland now has 11 draft picks this April, albeit mostly late rounders.  These will either be used as trade fodder or Heckert will get a chance to enhance his already stellar reputation by populating the Browns with diamonds in the rough (we hope).

Regardless, this year's draft party ought to be held on Saturday, when they pick Rounds 4-7.

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Regarding D'Qwell Jackson

I would like to personally thank Twitter for allowing athletes immediate access to vent without thinking, which makes them look dumber than they already did.  Because what the world really needs is more spoiled idiots telling us what they think (as displeased e-mailers have pointed out to me on numerous occasions).

Such a tweety rift with intelligence happened recently with D'Qwell Jackson.  You see, Jackson is a Restricted Free Agent, and, according to his agent, he was promised a new contract by George Kokinis (which is like complaining at someone's funeral that they owed you $20).  Well, DQ didn't get his new contract, so now he and his agent are all huffy.  Jackson went so far as to tweet:

"Do what's best for both parties, it's simple either pay me or let me go somewhere else!"

Ding!  That sound you hear is D'Qwell sledge hammering the ball into the bell atop the pole in the new carnival game called Test Your Stupidity.  We have a winner, folks! 

Let's translate this: D'Qwell is mad because the CBA situation is keeping him another year removed from the imagined big bucks of Free Agency.  He's seen that Josh Cribbs was successful in getting some attention by complaining that "he isn't getting what he deserves" and that "he was promised a new contract" and that "he loves Cleveland, but the Browns aren't treating him fairly".  He's trying to follow the same path.

Nice try, DQ.

(Incidentally, all of you that were whining about Cribbs to "pay da man", this is the danger of "trying to do the right thing".  Setting a precedent of caving to player demands just means you get more player demands.)

The Cribbs Tactic won't work as well as it did for Josh, however.  Cribbs is beloved in Cleveland, and he is highly productive.  D'Qwell is just another guy.  I know a lot of people tout him as a future "star", but I just don't see it.  Sure, he gets a lot of tackles, but so did Wali Rainer.  DQ is the master of bringing the ball carrier down after a 6 yard gain.  Impact plays?  Not so much.  The Browns' Defense actually got better last year after D'Qwell went on IR.

And with the emergence of David Bowens and the signing of Scott Fujita and the return of Eric Barton... go ahead, sign him away.  I'd love to take that 2nd Rounder and turn it into a big RB or deep threat WR.

Per the Plain Dealer:  Mackler said he'll talk to the Browns front office over the next two weeks, then "meet with D'Qwell and come up with a plan.'' He declined to say if Jackson will ask to be traded if the Browns are unwilling to negotiate a long-term deal.

"I'm not going to get into that right now,'' he said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wait... I need a breath...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Come up with a plan!"  Woo, that's a good one.  "Ask to be traded!"  God, that cracks me up.

Dude (and agent), you are a Restricted Free Agent.  You're hardly a star, but you're a decent player, and there's no way in HELL that they're just gonna let you go for nothing.  That's why they gave you the 2nd Round tender - they don't even think you're worth the top two tenders, but they're hoping that someone will slip them a nice 2nd Round pick for your services.  And if they don't (which I suspect they won't), then the Browns at least get you for one more year for cheap.

Cleveland holds all the cards and they know damn well you aren't going to sit out a contract year.

You, sir, have overvalued your worth and you have no options.  See you at Training Camp.

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Regarding Josh Cribbs

Josh got his contract, finally.  It was announced on Friday, a 3 year restructuring worth up to $20 million with about $7.5 mil guaranteed.

See, Josh?  Now don't you feel silly for all those melodramatic tweets?  Further evidence why all athletes, actors, musicians, etc. should cancel their Twitter accounts right now (actually, everyone should cancel their Twitter accounts right now).

Am I happy for him?  Yeah, I guess.  It's hard to quantify the value of a player like Josh Cribbs, who is effective in so many ways and in so many areas.  What I'm most happy about is that the Cribbs drama is over, and he'll be back in an orange helmet this season.

Expect the Browns to now feel no remorse for running Cribbs into the ground the next three years as he plays KR, WR, RB, QB, DB, and occasionally punts.  He'll be the first player in the history of the NFL to throw a 20 yard pass to himself.

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Regarding Brodney Pool

Due to his massive concussion history, the Browns didn't even feel the need to tender him, causing him to go from Restricted to Unrestricted Free Agent.  I can't blame them one bit.

Someone out there will probably give Pool a shot for the league minimum, but he's one hit away from being done.  And I'd be shocked if that hit doesn't happen this year.

Good luck to you, Brodney.

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Regarding Tiger Woods

Every year that passes, I hate the media a little bit more.

This Tiger Woods hoopla is a perfect example of why.

First, they insist that Woods needs to publicly apologize for being a cheating womanizer.  Then they complain that he didn't take any questions.

Questions?  What questions?  What do you need to know?  Why do you feel you need to know it?

He cheated on his wife.  I'm not defending it, but it's hardly an uncommon occurrence.  This is a huge issue between him and his wife.  It has nothing to do with us, Joe Public.

We don't need to know anything else because it's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

But ESPN et al just can't let it go, because it's where sports crosses over into tabloid melodrama, and there's nothing the entertainment industry loves more than tabloid melodrama.  So we must thank ESPN et al for helping sports descend into the muck.

I was watching the other day, and they actually starting talking about how Tiger's "approval rating" was at an all time low.  Approval rating?  Who's flocking idea was that?  And - worse - who was measuring his approval rating BEFORE all this crap came out?

I've never been a big fan of Tiger, because I don't root for players who are clearly better than everyone else.  It's the same reason I don't like Roger Federer.  But all this undeserved backlash makes me like him MORE.  His Hutchison Approval Rating just went up.

And what would've made it go through the roof is if this was his prepared statement for the press instead of an apology:

Thank you for coming.  I know a lot of you feel I should explain myself and have many questions about what has happened and what is going on with my wife and myself.  Many feel I should apologize for my actions.

I apologized to my wife for my actions, and we are dealing with the consequences of those actions.  However, I'm not going to apologize to you.  I don't owe you an apology, nor do I owe you an explanation, because my actions had nothing to do with you or the public in general.  I'm pissed off that I even have to be sitting here, and I think that you people should just get a [expletive] life.

The only question I'm going to answer - the only question you deserve to have answered - is when I'm going to return to the tour.  Until then, you can kiss my black and yellow ass.

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Regarding The Oscars

I graduated with a BFA in Film and Television Production, so, naturally, I couldn't give a crap about the Oscars.  Or any awards show, for that matter.  They bore me to tears, and I have no discernable fashion sense whatsoever, so the only thing I could care less about than who wins these awards is what they're wearing when they do so.

I didn't see all of the 10 damn movies.  The ones I did see - Avatar, Inglourious Basterds, District 9, and Up - were all pretty good, but not great.

If it were up to me, the Oscar would've gone to Zombieland, if only for Woody threatening to beat a child for not knowing who Bill Murray was.

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Regarding Ben Rothless-Burger

As you know, dumbass got himself involved in another sexual assault/rape situation.  We obviously don't have all the information yet, but I think one thing is crystal clear to all:

Big Ben must be neutered.

If he did rape/assault that women/those women, then I think a little testes-hacking is in order.  I have two daughters.  If some dumb hick that is enabled by a troglodyte fanbase felt he had the right to force himself on one of my girls, then I'd probably shoot the bastage, so a little nut-chopping would be merciful in comparison.  Without his gonads, Mr. Burger might feel a tad less randy at 2 in the morning at college bars.

Even if he is innocent of this crime/these crimes, I believe he should still be made a eunuch, if only to prevent him from reproducing.  Just by putting himself in these situations, it is obvious that Ben is a self-absorbed moron.  Fat, ugly, and stupid is no way to go through life, but Ben's not only survived, he's thrived.  He blows apart the idea that you need to be intelligent to play QB in the NFL.  Apparently, you can be a drooling idiot, just so long as you have a great Defense, good size, and you can run around and make shit up as you go.

Nevertheless, no child should willingly be subjected to the torture of not only looking like Big B, but also being stuck with his IQ.  If it CAN be prevented, it SHOULD be prevented.

Off with the balls.  Give Ben a new definition of "pulling away from a sack".