2010 Historical and Pop Culture Mock Draft: #1-10

Written by Dave Kolonich

The following mock draft was compiled solely for the sake of entertainment. It is not to be taken seriously, but if some braindead producer wants to force Todd McShay and Mel Kiper to fake argue its merits, then The Cleveland Fan gives ESPN its blessing.

1. ST. LOUIS – Jimmy Carl Black

ANALYSIS: Interesting selection here by the Rams, who are trying to reverse a string of recent ineffective top picks, including Chris Long and Adam Carikker. Rumored to be interested in both Sam Bradford and Jim Thorpe, the Rams instead reach for the venerable singer/songwriter in an attempt to change the complexion of their roster.

Perhaps the question of “signability”, along with the general idea of reparations became factors, as Rams’ GM Billy Devaney was admittedly torn, but ultimately made a value-based decision. As for how Black immediately fits into the Rams’ plans, he offered the following:

My name is Jimmy Carl Black, and I’m the Indian of the group.

2009 Pick – Tom Chambers

2. DETROIT – Mike Holmes from Holmes on Homes

ANALYSIS: The Lions could have gone in any number of directions with the 2^nd overall pick, but ultimately decided to fill as many holes as possible – literally – with the beloved Canadian contractor. Although it’s not known exactly which position Holmes will assume on Sundays, there’s a good chance he could become the league’s first player/coach/GM in decades, as well as the busiest contractor in the devastated Greater Detroit area.

Holmes knows he’s about to take on quite the challenge, although when asked for a post-draft comment, it wasn’t clear which reconstruction effort he was referring to.

I’ve been fixing a lot of sloppy, lazy and dangerous work for the past two decades. I think it’s time to expose the work of these so-called contractors and help some homeowners make informed decisions. I want to take the word ‘minimum’ out of the construction industry and stop the slow death of craftsmanship.

2009 Picks – Milton Reeves and Joyce Carol Oates

3. TAMPA BAY – Stede Bonnet

ANALYSIS: Despite having a staggering number of overall needs, the Bucs go the safe route with Bonnet, often referred to as “the Gentleman Pirate.” Although characterized as more of a “finesse player” by many league scouts, Bonnet is viewed as a quality locker room presence, along with being highly coachable.

While it is not clear exactly which position Bonnet will play with the Bucs, his versatility was clearly desired by embattled head coach Raheem Morris…along with the 1718 pardon he carries from the Governor of South Carolina. In fact, the parallels between Bonnet and Morris, who has struggled to adapt to his role as organizational leader are striking. Morris concurs:

I don’t want them to go to management first of all. Please don’t do that fellas. If you are thinking about doing that, don’t.

2009 Pick – Chris Berman

4. WASHINGTON – John Boehner

ANALYSIS: New coach Mike Shanahan makes a splash with his first Redskin pick, selecting the Washington-based political insider. Scouts were dazzled by both Boehner’s Combine Numbers, including a record-setting 48 repetitions in the Healthcare proposal bench press, along with his legendary skills for blocking opposing ball carriers.

The pick was universally applauded, both because of Boehner’s experience and his natural ties to Shanahan. Counted among the fans of the move is Washington’s own most famous sports fan, President Obama.

He is a person of color. Although not a color that appears in the natural world.

2009 Pick – Chief Naiche

5. KANSAS CITY – Andrew Jackson

ANALYSIS: The draft’s first shocker, as for the second year in a row, the Chiefs select the extraordinarily physically tough Jackson, hoping that he can be the defensive enforcer the team has lacked in recent years. Chiefs GM Scott Pioli is hoping that this year is not a repeat of 2009, when Jackson never reached agreement with the team, due to a snag in the specific language of his contract.

However, when asked for comment, Jackson appeared to be focused on getting a deal done quickly.

Surrounded by the whites with their arts of civilization, which by destroying the resources of the savage doom him to weakness and decay, the fate of the Mohegan, the Narragansett, and the Delaware is fast overtaking the Choctaw, the Cherokee, and the Creek. That this fate surely awaits them if they remain within the limits of the states does not admit of a doubt. Humanity and national honor demand that every effort should be made to avert so great a calamity.”

2009 Pick – Andrew Jackson

6. SEATTLE – Roy Jacuzzi

ANALYSIS: New Seahawks boss Pete Carroll begins his tenure with no doubt a “sexy” pick, selecting the man who is often referred to as the inventor of the hot tub. Although some were expecting the Seahawks to go after a franchise quarterback at this spot in the draft, no one is completely shocked that Carroll would instead choose the aging Italian immigrant.

However, the pick does signal a new emphasis on team chemistry in Seattle. Reportedly, Jacuzzi is bringing along with him an old school Roman and a new product, the J-5000, both of which should create quite the buzz within the team’s locker room.

As for concerns about Jacuzzi’s actual playing ability, it appears he has already adopted Carroll’s Zen-like philosophy to football and life.

“You don’t move the water. The water moves you.”

2009 Pick – Art Modell

7. CLEVELAND – Gaius Julius Caesar

ANALYSIS: Strong statement pick here. The Browns could have gone in a number of directions at Number Seven, but reports suggesting owner Randy Lerner wanted a “strong, credible leader” to head his franchise may have led to the selection of the Ancient Roman ruler. Although the choice was not surprising, the process that played out before the selection was fascinating, as Caesar announced the move himself.

Some draft experts were concerned regarding just how Caesar would fit in the Cleveland hierarchy, especially considering last year’s selection of Napoleon. However, in a post-draft press conference, Caesar reflected on his future role with the franchise.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

8. OAKLAND – The Freshly Dug Corpse of Pete Rozelle

ANALYSIS: Count on venerable Raiders boss Al Davis for a draft day surprise. Ignoring his usual preference for speed, Davis instead points to experience by selecting Rozelle, both his longtime nemesis and the NFL’s first Commissioner. However, some league observers have pointed out that Davis is again ignoring his team’s needs by continuing to channel a long-forgotten past.

In typical Davis style, the aging boss almost seemed conflicted regarding Rozelle’s future role with the team, although while remaining fully convinced in his decision.

Pete was good. But he didn’t like confrontation. I want to win on the field, not in the media.

2009 Pick – Unidentified Somali Pirate

9. BUFFALO – Jack Kemp

ANALYSIS: No doubt a Ralph Wilson-influenced selection here, as the Bills go with the team’s QB from the early 1960’s. Besides being a true throwback, Kemp’s draft resume also includes several terms in the U.S. Congress, as well as a Vice Presidential run. Despite turning in an unimpressive Combine performance, Kemp’s Buffalo ties made the selection an easy one for the team’s octogenarian owner.

In addition to finally solving Buffalo’s need at QB, Kemp’s work in urban renewal and housing could prove to be an added benefit for the soon to be transient Buffalo franchise. In fact, Kemp’s post draft comments seemed to reflect the tenuous situation in the battered upstate New York market.

“When people lack jobs, opportunity, and ownership of property they have little or no stake in their communities”

2009 Pick – Omar Conger

10. JACKSONVILLE – Ted Turner

ANALYSIS: The Jaguars close out the Top Ten with perhaps the biggest no-brainer pick of the day. Turner brings a vast wealth of experience, knowledge and ambition to a franchise that has floundered in recent years. Although it’s not known which position Turner will play on the roster, it’s clear that his presence could help to attract more fans into what has become a half empty stadium on Sundays.

Despite his huge success in the realm of television and overall media, it’s clear that Turner has his work cut for him in Jacksonville. Although still displaying a fiery brand of confidence, Turner has clearly tempered his optimism regarding this massive rebuilding project.

Just because your ratings are bigger doesn’t mean you’re better.

2009 Pick – Mark Rosenblum

Posted by Dave Kolonich Apr 05, 2010 2:00 PM Last Updated: Apr 05, 2010

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2010 Historical and Pop Culture Mock Draft: #1-10

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