Written by Dave Kolonich

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From John Boehner to Roy Jacuzzi to the rotting corpse of Pete Rozelle, the first day of 2010’s Historical and Pop Culture Mock Draft was one of the greatest fake moments in sports history.  However, the drama resumes today as ten more teams are on the clock.

In case you missed it, here’s Day One.

Cleveland Reboot – 2010 Historical and Pop Culture Mock Draft

 

11. DENVER – Mr. Olympia Ronnie Coleman
ANALYSIS:
Interesting selection here as Broncos take the former Mr. Olympia.  Coleman’s stock soared after a stunning Combine performance, which included a record-setting 8,000 225-lb. bench press reps, along with some immaculate calf density measurements.  Although some draft analysts worry that Coleman is more of a “workout warrior” than a true NFL talent, Broncos brass are confident that such intangibles as work ethic, leadership and pec definition will justify the selection.

It’s not known exactly which position Coleman will play in Denver, but there is no doubt newly acquired Brady Quinn was a factor in the team’s decision, as finally the muscle-bound QB now has a worthy workout partner.  In fact, Coleman seemed to be delighted in taking on the challenge of motivating the starcrossed young QB.

Everybody wants to be a bodybuilder, but ain’t nobody want to lift this heavy-ass weight!  I DO IT THOUGH!

2009 Pick: Soapy Smith

12. MIAMI – Pablo Escobar
ANALYSIS:
Very intriguing pick here, as the Dolphins land the infamous drug lord at Number Twelve.  Escobar brings a wealth of experience, organizational leadership and amazing versatility to Bill Parcells’ team, along with a sterling 40-yard dash time.  Although Escobar entered the draft with a number of character issues, Parcells was reportedly sold on the prospect’s unique combination of elusiveness and physically intimidating demeanor.

As for how Escobar will fit into the Dolphins’ new scheme, it’s possible that the team’s Wildcat personnel packages could be centered around him.  But then again, the Dolphins also have a huge void to fill at outside linebacker, thanks to Joey Porter’s recent departure.  When asked for comment on how best to utilize Escobar, Parcells was decidedly coy…or he may have been alluding to his pick’s checkered past.

When you don’t know that you don’t know, it’s a lot different than when you do know that you don’t know.

2009 Pick: Anthony “The Baker” Catania

13. SAN FRANCISCO – Ken Kesey
ANALYSIS:
For the second consecutive year, the 49ers reach into the Bay Area community and draft one of their own.  Kesey arrives in San Francisco boasting impressive life experience and a flair for the dramatic.  Initial reports suggest that Kesey could team with 2009 selection Harvey Milk to give the 49ers a dynamic set of wideouts.

The challenge now facing the 49ers is how Kesey will fit into coach Mike Singletary’s locker room.  The leader of the “Merry Pranksters” and the grizzled ex-All Pro seem to be polar opposites in terms of personalities.  Some draft experts are concerned that the experiment could have catastrophic effects.  However, Kesey himself doesn’t appear to be worried.  When asked about his upcoming challenge, he offered the following…

The answer is never the answer.  What’s really interesting is the mystery.  If you seek the mystery instead of the answer, you’ll always be seeking.

2009 Pick – Harvey Milk

14. SEATTLE – Joe Francis
ANALYSIS:
New coach Pete Carroll continues to change the culture in Seattle, as he lands the visionary behind the exploitative video series, Girls Gone Wild.  Adding Francis to Seattle’s earlier selection, Roy Jacuzzi, signals a huge shift in overall team philosophy and no doubt affirms Carroll’s complete control over the fledgling franchise.  Although Francis’ combine numbers were subpar, his contributions to the new atmosphere Carroll is trying to create in Seattle are immeasurable.

Although his recent criminal past was a concern among most draft experts, Seattle’s Carroll fell in love with Francis’ work ethic, ambition, connections and general passion for the game.  Obviously, the feeling is mutual, as it was clear that Francis, recently released from prison, is thrilled to play for Carroll.

It’s kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch.

2009 Pick – Art Modell

15. NY GIANTS – Bella Swan
ANALYSIS:
A controversial pick here, to say the least.  The Giants land Swan, despite some league-wide reservations about her character.  Swan’s Combine numbers were non-existent, as she refused to run any drills and generally appeared sullen and withdrawn.  Giant fans were reportedly outraged with the selection, citing the team’s numerous defensive needs.  However, this pick clearly signals that the Giants will continue to build around QB Eli Manning.

In fact, it appears that Manning already has a lot in common with the gloomy teenager.  Posting on Twitter, Manning offered his thoughts on the Swan selection.

It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape.

2009 Pick – Erik Erikson

16. TENNESSEE - Tom Selleck
ANALYSIS:
Bold move here, as the Titans reach for Selleck midway through the first round.  Although Selleck’s career had faded as of late, Titans coach Jeff Fisher was admittedly smitten by what he viewed as a great “throwback” pick.  No doubt that Selleck’s vast experience, propensity for growing facial hair and love of Coops brand beer also influenced Fisher’s decision.

It’s not clear where Selleck will fit among the Titans’ roster, but it’s obvious to league observers that the selection signals the team may have found its new face of the franchise, at least as long as Fisher is still head coach.  As for the abundant similarities between Fisher and Selleck, the former 80’s TV star offered his thoughts….

There was a time I could have been mistaken for Burt Reynolds.  I had a mustache and so did he.  But he was the number one star in the world, so there really wasn’t much confusion.

2009 Pick: Roy Head

17. SAN FRANCISCO – Dick Fuld Jr.
ANALYSIS:
Not a surprising pick here by the 49ers, as they nab the reviled Lehman Brothers CEO.  No doubt Fuld’s extensive management and organizational abilities were intriguing to owner Jeb York.  However, the pick is quite controversial within the 49er heirarchy, as head coach Mike Singletary was reportedly in love with the tiger who mauled Siegfried and Roy, while embattled GM Scot McCloughan favored former Secretary of State Colin Powell.

In the end, York wins out and finds a sort of kindred soul to develop his franchise around.  Despite his obvious character flaws and complete lack of talent, Fuld appears to be inspired by the challenge awaiting him.  In fact, Fuld’s post-draft comments seem to suggest that the 49ers may have found themselves a true fighter.

The anniversary’s coming up.  I’ve been pummelled, I’ve been dumped on and it’s all going to happen again.  I can handle it.  You know what?  Let them line up.

2009 Pick: Harvey Milk

18. PITTSBURGH – Robert Frost
ANALYSIS:
The Steelers stick with tradition at Number Eighteen by grabbing the celebrated poet Frost.  Although the Steelers had numerous holes to fill among their aging roster, coach Mike Tomlin makes a splash with what is no doubt an inspirational pick.  In fact, many draft experts view the pick as the first step towards establishing a new character identity for a franchise suddenly steeped in controversy.

Although Frost’s physical attributes are limited, it was clear that Tomlin desired a true locker room leader.  In Frost, who Tomlin likes to quote on occasion, the Steelers may have found the type of prospect who can blaze a path back towards respectability.  However, judging by Frost’s post-draft comments, the legendary poet seems almost conflicted regarding his role with the Steelers.

Iron does strengthen iron.  But what in the hell does “attack mode” mean?

2009 Pick: Joe Primanti

19. ATLANTA – Thomas Stonewall Jackson
ANALYSIS:
Most draft experts had predicted that Atlanta would look to strengthen their defense here, but the selection of the former Confederate General was a bit surprising.  Most draft experts feel that Jackson’s talents are more conducive to the offensive side of the ball, where Atlanta is already strong.  Also, some were skeptical of how effective a one-armed man could perform on Sundays, which coincidentally is a day that Jackson doesn’t prefer to engage in combat.

It remains to be seen if the wildly improvisational Jackson can be reigned in by the Atlanta coaching staff.  After years of trying to do the same with Michael Vick, there is an inherent risk to selecting Jackson this high.  However, Jackson himself seems to have no reservations regarding his future with the team.  In fact, in his post-draft interview, Jackson already seemed a natural fit for the Atlanta defense.

Let us cross over the river and rest under the shade of trees.

2009 Pick: Betty White

20. HOUSTON – Robert Green Ingersoll
ANALYSIS:
Interesting selection here by the Texans, as they grab the famed orator, abolitionist and agnostic Ingersoll.  Although never playing any form of organized football, Ingersoll shot up the draft board after an outstanding series of Combine interviews, which included a treatise on the humanity of subjecting draft prospects to a series of inane practice drills.  Reportedly, Texans coach Gary Kubiak was blown away by Ingersoll’s vast intellect, as well as his moderate success as a politician.

As for how Ingersoll will fit into the Texan locker room, there is little doubt that there will be a seamless transition.  In fact, Ingersoll’s post-draft comments seemed to perfectly echo these sentiments.

In the republic of mediocrity, genius is dangerous.

2009 Pick: Dick Cheney

More fantasies to come….Check back tomorrow for the conclusion of Round One.