Written by Dave Kolonich

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From John Boehner to Roy Jacuzzi to the rotting corpse of Pete Rozelle to Pablo Escobar and Bella Swan, the 2010 Historical and Pop Culture Mock Draft has given us some tremendous moments in fake sports history.  Today, the rest of Round One is revealed, which presents even more surprises, projections and general mockery.

In case you missed it, here are the first two installments.

Cleveland Reboot – 2010 Historical and Pop Culture Mock Draft

Cleveland Reboot – 2010 Historical and Pop Culture Mock Draft: #11-20

The following mock draft was compiled solely for the sake of entertainment. It is not to be taken seriously, but if some braindead producer wants to force Todd McShay and Mel Kiper to fake argue its merits, then The Cleveland Fan gives ESPN its blessing.

21. CINCINNATI – Omar from The Wire

ANALYSIS:

There are concerns regarding how Omar will fit into the Bengals locker room, which currently includes such notorious figures as Tank Williams, Frostee Rucker, Cedric Benson, Rey Maualuga, along with the recently acquired Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant.  However, in a post-draft interview, Omar admits to seeing nothing but promise in Cincinnati – at least for his own personal pursuits.

All in the game, yo.  All in the game.

2009 Pick: Ki-Jana Carter

22. NEW ENGLAND – Emmett Fitz-Hume

ANALYSIS:

Count on the Patriots’ Bill Belichick to take another flyer on an off the radar prospect.  Despite having needs all across his aging roster, Belichick goes with the bumbling would-be spy at 22, some two rounds above where Fitz-Hume was projected to go.  Fitz-Hume enters New England as a raw prospect, but obviously Belichick feels that he can “coach up” the inexperienced recruit and develop him in his long-established Patriot system.

Although many of Belichick’s recent picks haven’t panned out over the past several years, Fitz-Hume reportedly dazzled in his pre-draft interviews.  No small task considering that Belichick traditionally grills prospects on their football IQ and passion for the game.  Evidence can be found in a transcript of Fitz-Hume’s Combine interview…

BB: Every minute you don’t tell us why you’re here, I cut off a finger.
EFH: Mine or yours?
BB: Yours.
EFH: Damn.

2009 Pick: Aldrich Ames

23. GREEN BAY – Donna Shalala

ANALYSIS:

No doubt another pick reflecting the needs of Green Bay’s passionate fan base.  Much like the 2009 selection of David “Monterey” Jacks, Green Bay goes with the longtime Department of Health and Human Services leader Shalala in an attempt to reach out to the dangerously overweight Packer fan base.  Although it’s not clear which on-field position Shalala will play, it is obvious that her selection is more reflective of the community needs at large.

Despite her limited playing experience, Packer brass are convinced that they have found a genuine leader in the locker room, along with one who can rally the city around her.  In fact, during her post-draft press conference, Shalala revealed her first mission as a Packer…

I am interested in getting people to use the health care system at the right time, getting them to see the doctor early enough, before a small problem turns serious.

2009 Pick: David “Monterey” Jacks

24. PHILADELPHIA – Thomas Jefferson

ANALYSIS:

The Eagles stick close to the vest by drafting the famous legislator, founding father and former President with the 24th pick.  Jefferson brings a wealth of experience, toughness and high football IQ to Philadelphia, along with a vast arsenal of diplomatic skills, which could be a key asset considering the team’s annual offseason public relations circus.  However, the inclusion of Jefferson – who will no doubt want to play quarterback – further clouds the intrigue found among the position.

Although Eagle fans instantly hated the pick, Jefferson appeared undeterred during a post-draft interview.  Despite being heavily booed as he spoke, Jefferson revealed that his philosophy on life can easily be transferred to Sundays.  Although it was not clear if Jefferson was referring to Philly’s notoriously tough fanbase or Andy Reid’s decade long refusal to run the ball, he offered the following thoughts…

It is always better to have no ideas than false ones; to believe nothing, than to believe what is wrong.

2009 Pick: Ben Franklin

25. BALTIMORE – Arthur Fonzarelli

ANALYSIS:

This pick makes sense for Baltimore late in Round One, especially considering longtime GM Ozzie Newsome’s recent offseason moves.  Fonzarelli brings a innate sense of toughness and versatility to the Ravens roster, which has undergone some dramatic changes lately, including trading a third-round draft pick for the brittle Anquan Boldin and signing a steeped in controversy Donte Stallworth.

Some draft experts see the Fonzarelli selection as a fitting tribute to Newsome’s recent moves.  In fact, some commentators have concluded that Newsome has now “jumped the shark” as GM, citing that Fonzarelli was a bit of a reach at this spot in the draft.  However, Fonzarelli seems to be taking his selection in stride.  Responding to a reporter’s question regarding his lack of football experience, Fonzarelli offered the following…

Heeeeyyyy.

2009 Pick: Gangster Nicky Barnes

26. ARIZONA – Bono

ANALYSIS:

Following the retirement of the recently deified Kurt Warner, it appears that Arizona has found their quarterback of the future in Bono.  Although he has never played organized American football, Arizona management was blown away by Bono’s pretentiousness, ego and flair for the dramatic, along with his highly-publicized global charity work.  Teaming Bono with 2009 first-round selection Jesus of Nazareth gives the Cardinals a unique set of weapons to recharge their offense.

Bono may have slipped several spots in the draft due to some character concerns, which mainly revolved around his planet-sized ego.    However, Arizona could be the perfect place for Bono to ply his trade, as the absence of Warner left a tremendous spiritual void in the locker room, one that Jesus of Nazareth struggled to fill last season.  As for Bono’s alleged “red flags”, he offered a simple explanation for his personality.

The less you know, the more you believe.

2009 Pick: Jesus of Nazareth

27. DALLAS – Steve Jobs

ANALYSIS:

Mercurial Dallas owner Jerry Jones gets his man late in the first round, as he selects the technological impresario Jobs.  Although the legendary Apple founder has never played football of the non-video variety, Jones was reportedly drawn to Jobs’ innovative style and larger than life profile.  Also, the pick reflects Jones’ desire to turn his giant stadium scoreboard into the world’s largest I-Pad, one that will completely immerse fans in the game while allowing them to check their email.

However, in addition to his technological expertise, Dallas also gets a true leader in Jobs.  Coming into what has become a largely leaderless Cowboy locker room, Jobs is sure to ruffle some feathers.  Already, Jobs has called out several prominent team leaders, including star quarterback Tony Romo.

Be a yardstick of quality.  Some people aren’t used to an environment where excellence is expected.

2009 Pick: Traded to Detroit

28. SAN DIEGO – Larry Dallas

ANALYSIS:

San Diego continues its recent trend of drafting local figures, selecting the famed comic sidekick and ladies man Dallas.  Although a bit undersized, Dallas is known as a great “character guy”, one who can finally help the Chargers get over the playoff hump.  After San Diego’s disasterous 2009 selection of Mr. Angelino, Charger management is counting on Dallas to provide a spark in the upcoming season.

It’s not clear if the untested Dallas is ready for such a challenge; however, his extensive post-draft interview revealed volumes about his plans for helping the Chargers get to the next level.  As for his thoughts on replacing local legend LaDainian Tomlinson, Dallas offered the following…

Lordie, lordie, lordie.

2009 Pick: Mr. Angelino

29. NY JETS – The Situation

ANALYSIS:

The trend of teams selecting local players continues with the Jets’ selection of the notorious Jersey Shore housemate.  Team GM Mike Tannenbaum was reportedly smitted by The Situation’s aggressiveness and legendary physique, along with the prospect’s record-setting Combine workout.  Although still reeling from the selection of former workout warrior Vernon Gholston a few years back, Tannenbaum must have seen something he likes in the former exotic dancer.

The Situation’s sense of bravado could prove to be a perfect match for the bright lights of the New York media market, as well as give coach Rex Ryan another dynamic personality to build the team around.  In fact, The Situation already seems to be handling the media pressure well, as he spoke regarding a pre-draft visit to the Jets’ team headquarters, which involved fellow housemate Snooki.

I felt bad about Snickers getting hit by a couple linebackers.  I necessarily didn’t want to bring home any zoo creatures what-so-ever.  I mean these broads probably just smelled the food at the house.

2009 Pick: Tony Danza

30. MINNESOTA – Benjamin Button

ANALYSIS:

Vikings coach Brad Childress makes a late-round selection that no doubt is an attempt to lure the ageless Brett Favre back to Minnesota for another season.  The selection of Button affirms that Childress is playing to win in 2010, at the expense of building for the future.  Some pre-draft concerns were raised considering Button’s undeveloped NFL body and lack of organized football experience; however, Childress was undeterred in his quest to win now.

Before the official selection was made, Childress arranged to have Button speak to Favre, in an attempt to gain the future Hall of Famer’s endorsement.  Although Favre was skeptical at first, a series of impassioned, tearful phone conversations helped to seal the deal.  In fact, Favre quickly realized that Button was almost a kindred NFL soul…

Would you still love ME if I were young and had acne?  When I’m afraid of what was under the bed?  Or if I wet the bed?

2009 Pick: Ivar the Boneless

31. INDIANAPOLIS – The Whitest Kids U Know

ANALYSIS:

A controversial pick here by the Colts, as Team President Bill Polian successfully lobbied the league for additional draft picks, selecting all five members of the sketch comedy troop.  In addition to grabbing an extra four players at the end of the first round, Polian also was able to change the NFL rulebook to allow the Colts to field fifteen players on any given offensive play.  As for the players themselves, the Colts grab five youngsters who should instantly fit into the team’s vanilla locker room.

Citing all five as great “character guys”, Polian was quick to introduce the troop to stone-faced head coach Jim Caldwell, and it was apparent that the new draft picks already had made a fast impression.  In a post-draft press conference, the mostly anonymous Caldwell offered his thoughts…

I say sir, you seem to be peeing upon my leg.

2009 Pick: Michael Steele

32. NEW ORLEANS – Krewe du Vieux

ANALYSIS:

The defending Super Bowl champs stick with tradition in selecting one of the bawdiest and most honored Mardi Gras gods in Krewe du Vieux.  No doubt a community pick, the Saints new prospect was instantly endorsed by the local community, who is still in the midst of a serious post-championship celebration.  In most respects, the pick itself seems to reflect the idea that the Saints will enter 2010 still on a emotional high from last year’s dream season. 

Known as one of most adult-themed Mardi Gras Krewes, the Saints’ new draft pick is delighted to be working with local legend Drew Brees.  In fact, during a post-draft interview, the Krewe seemed to have already established a relationship with the Super Bowl MVP – much like the New Orleans community as a whole…

Everything down there is in perfect working order, I can assure you of that!

2009 Pick: Random Mardi Gras Girl