Written by Dave Kolonich

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As a public service to all who choose to ignore reality, we offer our annual advice column – targeting every last one of you who currently reside in some fantasy realm.  After all, sports is just not a big enough diversion for some. 

Or, in other words – you have fantasy questions – and we have fantasy answers.

For those of you in a keeper league at home, here’s Part One of the Manifesto:

2010 Fantasy Football Manifesto: Part One

On to the mailbag…

DK,
I’m in a custom league that gives points per five rushing attempts, but also gives bonus points for 40 and 50 yard touchdowns. I can play two out of the following three players: Marques Colston, Austin Miles, and Jonathan Stewart. Who should I start?

Chipper,
Avon Lake

Chipper,
I have no idea what you’re talking about.  However, I’m also in a “custom” league….one that rewards teams for overall victories.

DK,
Would DeAngelo Williams as first?

Bobby,
Mentor

Bobby,
Would he first?  Absolutely!

DK,
What is the best strategy for employing a co-manager?  Should we both be logged in during the draft?

Thomas,
Florence, KY

Thomas,
I had no idea the level of nerdiness on display here.  What exactly does this co-manager do?  Is he a scout?  Or, does he just have really fast Internet?

DK,
What if my computer crashes during the draft, or my power goes out?

Timmy,
Euclid

Timmy,
I think the best bet is just to strangle yourself with your laptop cord….because you have failed.

DK,
Can I use both of my Flex Positions as Running Backs in my starting lineup and start a total of 4 Running Backs?

Greg,
Youngstown

Greg,
Why not?  That’s how most 1920’s NFL teams did it.

DK,
What if a team in my league stops playing, leaving bye week players in their lineup, giving an easy win to their opponent?

Sam,
Canton

Sam,
Perhaps you should start a 30-team league by yourself.  This way you can ensure the successful plan you laid out above.

DK,
What are some good fantasy football websites?

Clark,
Streetsboro

Clark,
Here’s a few reliable sources:

www.tryactuallywatchingthegamesinstead.com

www.statsaremeaningless.com

www.getalife.com

DK,
How do you score points in fantasy football?

Brent,
Parma

Brent,
You know you’re not actually scoring points, right?  Or, scoring period – for that matter.

DK,
I’m a little worried about the cafeteria selections at the Bengals’ camp.  I asked for a quick breakfast of three roasted hogs, but all they gave me was a muffin.  What should I do?

Isaac,
Cincinnati, OH

Isaac,
Great to hear from you.  Just keep being you, buddy.

DK,
What do you win in fantasy football?

Alex,
Akron

Alex,
You win the respect of people who have never watched an entire NFL game.  Plus, maybe some boneless wings.

DK,
If a Cleric commands a shadow, and that shadow then spawns other shadows – is the cleric then in control of the newly spawned shadows?

Sir Clarence Beestinger the Dwarven Defender,
Temple of Blackmoor

Sir Clarence,
I’m starting to think your game makes a little more sense.

DK,
How do I learn more about becoming a Fantasy Power Player?

Champ,
Cincinnati

Champ,
I’m not really sure – P90X? Natural sunlight?

DK,
Is Derek Anderson a Number One Fantasy QB?  And what about this guy with the Bible?  I went to Notre Dame – doesn’t that make me the chosen one?

Brady,
Denver, CO

Brady,
Talk about fantasies.  To answer your first question…there will come a time when DA enters the second half of a blowout and throws for 200 meaningless yards.  So, yes -yes, he is a Number One fantasy QB.

Well…I hope all your questions were answered.  If you have more, I’ll be watching some old game tapes and dreaming of the day when people realize that offensive linemen are actually part of the game.

Until then, here’s hoping all your fantasies come true.

*With the exception of a couple obviously fake questions, all the above are 100% real fantasy questions.