Written by Dave Kolonich

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Let’s turn today over to the readers and look at a wide swath of topics, including World Cup soccer, Leroy Kelly, drunk college girls and the cold corpse of Art Modell.

And what a wild night that sounds like.

Or, an episode of CSI.

Anyway, let’s tear open the mailbag…with a four-foot long machete – being careful not to leave behind any evidence, of course. 

From: Sunday Roundup: Vacation Mode

btw, you’re way off on soccer. just one lonely mans opinion i guess.  the only reason its not on tv more is because there isnt enough spots to shove in hours worth of commercials

whoahhs

I completely agree here.  I am equal parts “way off” and flawlessly accurate. 

Because you can’t chop up a soccer match and throw millions of dollars of ads at your viewers, soccer will never be a huge American TV sport.  I think even CBS – who loves to run commercials both before and after a kickoff – would struggle to make any money off the World Cup. 

After watching parts of some World Cup matches, I’ve realized that most of us are not programmed to watch something as free flowing as soccer.  Chalk it up to my pop-culture, media infested short attention span, but I need a break occasionally – yet I also don’t want to walk away from a game. 

God, life is tough.

However, in an attempt to yet again embrace soccer, I have tried to watch on a few occasions.  I’ve consulted with people who know soccer – getting recomendations on which games to watch, looking up some background on different teams, checking out the history of rivalries and such….and all I can come up with is the following:

1.  Does this thing ever end?  I cannot stand any tournament where teams can lose, yet still hang around.  This is why the College Baseball World Series is beyond annoying.  Besides the fact that it’s baseball, losing should have more permanence.  If you lose, you’re out. 

2.  What is the deal with ties?  Why should anyone be rewarded for a tie?  Is this hockey?  A tie only proves that you didn’t lose – and certainly didn’t win.  Whatever happened to a tiebreaking shootout?

3.  The flopping  is just out of control.  However, now I know where foreign born NBA players get their inspiration.  The World Cup is like watching Andy Varajeo or an old Vlade Divac attempt to play defense.  Beautiful game?  Really?

4.  The effective goalkeepers are basically nothing but good guessers.  I can’t stand this about soccer.  It’s almost like any natural physical talent these goalkeepers have is reduced to a game of heads or tails. 

5.  Is there a height limit for the American team?  I thought I was watching Mario Elie in the WBL there for a few minutes.  Is soccer just the natural evolution of American athletes – meaning the players with size are directed to basketball or football camps?  Are the goalkeepers simply the ones who couldn’t hit an outside jumper?

6.  I will admit that there are some intriguing aspects of the World Cup.  I absolutely love the pageantry of team entrances and there is little doubt how immaculate the universal spirit of the games are. 

7.  But really, It’s easier for me to just watch the Nike commerical.  How about they just edit the games to fit in this format? 

8.  Speaking of #7 and editing – I would love to see how North Korea tries to spin their 7-0 defeat.  I wonder if the Dear Leader will just tell his adoring public to “take his word for it.”

9.  On a related note, thanks to North Korea’s defeat, look for some toothless, yet face-saving nuclear bomb threats in the coming days.

10.  Seriously, when does this thing end?  And when are the Cleveland Force coming back?

Moving onto more real football items…

‘…simply the best back…since the days of Jim Brown.’ Sorry my friend, but that honor goes to Leroy Kelly. Nothing personal, but Byner conldn’t shine Leroy’s shoes. Better than others at the time, perhaps, but better than Kelly, not a prayer!

WEG

This is an interesting comparison.  Is Kelly really the best back since Jim Brown?  Or, in a more direct comparison – is he better than Byner?

I suspect this argument could just become a clash of childhood memories.

However, I think I can make a case for one of my first Browns’ heroes.

Obviously, Kelly has Hall of Fame credentials, and Byner never will.  However, I’ve always suspected that Kelly was more a product of some still great old Browns teams, while Byner really only enjoyed a two to three year stretch of similar team success.  In terms of championships, Kelly has one – but I think we all can agree that Jim Brown can pretty much claim sole responsibility here.

Both Kelly and Byner each had three 1,000 yard seasons.  Granted, Kelly’s season was shorter than Byner’s – and Byner did contribute later in his career outside of Cleveland.  In terms of all-purpose yards, Kelly has the edge thanks to playing more special teams than Byner.  However, if you look intangibles such as receiving yards, blocking and playing within a system, the case for Byner becomes a little clearer.

Of course, all the above hangs on the idea that we can remove “The Fumble” from our brains…which is nearly impossible. 

Having said all that, let’s just call it a draw.

Speaking of debates, it looks like we have a potential “Deadliest Warrior” episode on our hands.  First, Byner vs. Kelly, and now drunk girl vs. slobbering dog….

From: Sunday Roundup: Vacation Mode

You just favorably compared a dog to a human rape victim. I love dogs, I have two of them, but do you know that none of the dogs were “sloppy drunk.” You might reasonably guess that they were not, but sloppy or not, the young woman was a victim of a sexual assault. I suspect the poll regarding Michael Vick has something to do with the race of the athlete, as opposed to Ben Roethlisburger, and the gender of the victim…as opposed to Ben Roethlisburger.

Bill Beck

Yes, I fully realize I just “favorably compared” an animal to a sloppy drunk girl.  While I depise guys like Roethlisberger – who represent the archaic, repressed fratboy mentality – I also know that I, and millions of others – can drive by a twenty car pileup and momentarily feel bad, yet are devastated when some idiot leaves their dog inside a hot car. 

If the Michael Vick episode taught us anything, it is that America will always favor the dog over the girl.  Unless of course, if the girl is really attractive, then the media narrative becomes something far different.  Or, in other words – because the victim’s identity has rightfully not been released – it’s hard to put a real human value on the person.  I equate this to the plight of kidnapped girls – the more attractive they are, the bigger the story becomes – and the more people eventually care.

Or, in other words – in a voyeuristic society, it’s hard for people to sympathize with someone they can’t see.  In the case of Vick, all the images of brutalized dogs were more than enough to persuade the public.

As for the racial component, I’m not sure I really see that in the Vick situation.  Certainly, the idea of dogfighting is a huge cultural divide in America.  But, regardless of race – the treatment of animals is an overly sensitive topic – one that eliminates such barriers.

I’ll get off my soapbox – and onto some lighter matters – such as the pending death of Art Modell…

From: Monday Roundup: East Coast Bias Edition

I always considered Art a dead man the second he moved the Browns.

Ambrose 52

As we all have – but again, once he’s permanently removed from the Earth - well, you know.  I’m just saying. 

Finally, in order to ensure the above, maybe Modell should start hanging out with this guy…after all, he just visited our fair city recently.

Here’s a preview of the Cleveland themed Man v. Food.  Thanks to Elyse from the Travel Channel for the heads up.