He's twisted. He's offensive. He's downright hysterical. He's Hiko. And he's back on The Blurbs with his latest ... the transcript of a conversation between he and his girlfriend while watching last weekend's Stillers-Eagles game. Big Ben's face just doesn't look right, and you just knew that wouldn't slip past Hiko.

So there my girlfriend and I were on Thursday night, watching the Steelers play the Eagles, curious to see how the PIT Offense looked after their off-season changes, curious to see if Willie Parker was going to be decent for Fantasy Football (not interested in Big Ben - he went undrafted for 20 rounds in our 10 team league - even the two Steeler fans refused to draft him).

Ben was standing on the sidelines after his horrendous interception, and this conversation took place:

Girlfriend: What's wrong with his face?

Me: He was in that motorcycle accident.

Girlfriend: But I thought he was OK.

Me: He is OK.  But his face was messed up - they had to do some serious plastic surgery on it.

Girlfriend: He looks weird.

Me: Yeah - it's like his cheeks are stuffed. 

Girlfriend: He looks like a chipmunk.

Me: Well, he has been known to have nuts in his mouth.

I laugh.  She stares at me like I'm a six year old.  Silence descends upon us as we watch more of the thoroughly enjoyable game.

Me: Now I've got that damn song stuck in my head.

Girlfriend: Which song?

Me: (singing) We're the chipmunks.  C-H-I-P-M-U-N-K...

Girlfriend: Great.

Me: He looks like Alvin .

Girlfriend: Well, isn't Theodore the fat one?

Me: You're right.  He looks more like Theodore.

 

Girlfriend: I think it's the teeth more than the cheeks.  His teeth look fake.

Me: I think they are.  They were knocked out in the accident.

Girlfriend: He should've gone to a better dentist.

Me: Well, they don't really have many dentists in the Pittsburgh area.  No demand.

Girlfriend: It's funny you should mention that.  There's this one girl at work that's a Steelers fan, and she has the worst teeth I've ever seen.  She'd almost look better without them.

Me: Give it time.  Lot's of restaurants in the Pittsburgh area serve nothing but soup.  Ben was probably just trying to fit in with the locals.  You know the old saying - when in Pittsburgh , lose your teeth.

Girlfriend: I thought you told me the old saying was - when in Pittsburgh , screw your sister.

Me: That also applies.

Girlfriend: I’m kind of surprised you hate the Steelers fans so much.  They actually stuck up for the Browns when Modell stole them away.

Me: Yes, that’s true.  The Browns were gone for 3 years – so I gave the Steelers fans 3 years of good will after the Browns came back.  Those 3 years have since passed, so it is OK for me to go back to hating them again.  But I have a certain special disdain for Ben.

Girlfriend: Why is that?

Me: Because I think he’s the beneficiary of chance and good fortune.  If he played for almost any other team, he would suck ass.

Girlfriend: He won a Superbowl.

Me: So did Trent Dilfer.

Girlfriend: Good point.

I drink a beer.  My girlfriend smokes a cigarette.

Girlfriend:  God, I’m sick of looking at him.

Me: Yep.  You’re a handsome man, Ben Roethlisberger.

Girlfriend:  Good thing he’s rich.  Otherwise he’d never get laid.

Me: Yeah, but he’s getting laid by Pittsburgh women.  Have you seen the women in Pittsburgh ?

I go over to the computer and Google “Pittsburgh Girls”.  These darlins’ pop up.

Me: You almost have to pity the poor men in the greater Pittsburgh area.

Girlfriend: No wonder they fuck their sheep.

Me:  Good point.