Written by Chris Hutchison

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Preseason Week 3 – Cleveland at Philadelphia

You know football is back when you find yourself throwing a fit like a 3 year old in the 2nd Quarter of a Fake Season game.

Which is exactly what I was doing following the Worst Penalty Everâ„¢ (also known as the Roughing the Passer call on a completely legal hit which wiped out an interception).  My tension had been building, what with all the mistakes and bad calls and anticipation of the silly "Browns destroyed by Eagles" articles that were sure to follow.

 Like this Herculean effort by the Associated Press when you get to the game page at NFL.com:

Vick rebounds from poor game vs. Steelers

PHILADELPHIA -- Michael Vick led three scoring drives, the first-team defense pitched a shutout and the Philadelphia Eagles beat the Cleveland Browns 24-14 in a preseason game on a rain-soaked Thursday night.

Barf.  Did you even watch the game, Mr. Press?

First, Phil Dawson gets a chip shot FG blocked.  Then Jordan Norwood trips over his own player and gets hit by a punt, gifting the Eagles 7 points.  Then Evan Moore drops a sure TD pass, and Brian Robiskie is called for a phantom (or - at best - highly suspect) Offensive Pass Interference call on the same drive.  And finally the sack and pick which was nullified by Worst Penalty Everâ„¢, later resulting in a TD that shouldn't have been.

Some of it was just silly mistakes, some of it was poor reffing, but the Browns/refs gave the Eagles 2 TD's and negated 10 points of their own.  Without that crap, the Halftime score was 10-3, Cleveland.

Thus my hissy.

In the quest for lower blood pressure, I hereby swear to try to avoid losing it over a meaningless game.  Imagine if it had been the Regular Season.  My damn heart would've blown up.  But that call was just all kinds of awful - thus its name.

Also awful would be characterizing this game as anything other than an utter waste of time analysis-wise (see foolish mistakes and heinous penalties mentioned above, not to mention this is Fake Season).  The Browns had no problem hanging with the vaunted Eagles.  Whether that's due to Cleveland being better than advertised or Philly being a big freakin' hoax, I'm not sure.  A bit of both, likely (with a lean towards hoax).
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Stats

Time of Possession:  PHI – 34:44, CLE – 25:16
Total Yards:  PHI – 282, CLE - 242
Yards Passing:  CLE - 139, PHI – 135
Yards Rushing:  PHI – 147, CLE - 103
First Downs:  PHI - 18, CLE – 16
Turnovers Forced:  PHI - 3, CLE – 2
Sacks:  PHI – 5, CLE - 2
Final Score:  Philadelphia – 24, Cleveland - 14

Like I said before, these stats mean less than a boxful of dead rats in a tampon factory due to certain officiating indiscretions.
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Game Balls

Auston English – This is probably a farewell game ball, but a lot of what Mr. English brought impressed me.  He finished up his Cleveland career with a sack and forced fumble from Vince Young's blind side.  Hope to see you on the Practice Squad.

D'Qwell Jackson – Second week in a row.  Had himself a fine sack (which was foiled by the Worst Penalty Everâ„¢)  and an excellent tackle for loss on 3rd and Short.  He's not there quite yet, but soon DQ will have played himself on to Tom Heckert's Must Extend short list.
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Honorable Mention

Jarrett Brown – Since I ripped him last week, it's only fair that I mention he looked really solid against Philly.  Showed nice touch on the sideline pass that got called for Defensive PI, and great running ability on his 16 yard scramble.  Doubt he'll make the team, but should be Practice Squad fodder.

Brian Robiskie – Nice game, 3 catches for 23 yards, not to mention getting robbed of about a 40 yard catch (over Nnamdi Asomugha, no less) by an officiating crew clearly on the take.  Finally showed some of the potential he flashed at the end of last season.

Kaluka Maiava – He's a backup, and he'll never be more than a backup.  But the guy knows how to play football.  The Browns need him badly right now.

Montario Hardesty – Mainly for just not blowing anything out.  Seemed to run somewhat timidly, but I think that will ease as his worries do.  Another couple games and he should have his knee paranoia in his rearview.
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Wall of Shame

Tony Pashos – He's just a step too slow.  Has loads of trouble with speed rushers.  This Right Tackle position has proven to be a major headaches since Ryan Tucker said Adieu.

Terry McAulay – He threw the flag on the Worst Penalty Everâ„¢.  He also was the dillhole responsible for Bottlegate back in 2001.  Just imagine what would've happened had McAulay made that call in Cleveland.  It would've been worse.  A thousand times worse.  After all, that was the Worst Penalty Everâ„¢.

Evan Moore – Can't drop that pass, E.  That would be unforgivable during the Real Season.

Eric Gordon & Brian Sanford – Two linebackers that were blown back on 4th and 1 by 5'8, 195 Dion Lewis, allowing the 1st Down.

Colt McCoy – Don't throw off your back foot, dude.  You don't have the arm for it.  One such pass resulted in your first pick, the second was close to the same result.  And you're gonna have to learn how to beat the blitz, because they're gonna bring it at you all year.  Also, to be fair, you threw some really nice deep balls.
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Regarding The 2011 Draft Picks

Phil Taylor - Wow.  Just wow.  I know it was just one half of a Fake Season game, but I haven't seen a performance so dominant from a Browns D-Lineman since the late 80's (other than the occasional Shaun Rogers blip on the screen).  He was throwing guys around, penetrating the backfield with regularity, drew a Holding call, sacked Vick, caused a fumble... he just ate those guys alive.

For a while.  Then he got tired, which is totally understandable given the lack of offseason conditioning and trying to chase Vick all over the continent.

Still, much to be hopeful for based on that performance.

Jabaal Sheard - I see what they like in him.  He's quick. He gets penetration.  But he's a liability in Run D, and he hasn't quite figured out the combinations of speed, power, and moves that will get him to the QB on a more consistent basis.  This will be a learning year for him.

Greg Little - Solid again.  Really looking forward to what he can do given a few games where he plays all 4 Quarters.

Jordan Cameron - Made a very nice play on the one ball thrown his way.  Might need some more opportunities.

Owen Marecic - The Invisible Fullback.

Buster Skrine - He's there, in on lots of plays.  Some he makes.  Some he misses.

Jason Pinkston - Better get used to him, because it looks like he might be the long-term starter at LG, what with Eric Steinbach's disc problem and what not.  Played fairly well.  There were times when it appeared he got blown back, but there were also times where the entire O Line seemed in general retreat, so it's hard to really single him out.

Eric Hagg - Who?
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Regarding the Dream Team

Here is why Philly is big freakin' hoax - their Offensive Line is terrible.

Their D Line isn't really that good either.

Yes, they are loaded at the skill positions, on both sides of the ball.  But Mike Vick will have to be in one piece in order for him to pass it to Desean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, Steve Smith, Brent Celek, LeSean McCoy, and Ronnie Brown.  And he won't last.  The Line will get him damn killed.

Which I suppose is why they brought in Vince Young... who isn't the answer.

After watching the last 2 Eagles games, I've switched my fantasy keeper from Vick to Calvin Johnson.  Most would call me crazy to give away the supposed #1 overall player.  I just don't see how said player doesn't spend a significant amount of the season in traction.

Teams that coin themselves things such as "Dream Team" almost always fail.  They try to live up to their own hype and just can't get do it.  If you're on a Championship mission, you don't need to make the road any more difficult to traverse.

Especially if you are so weak at such fundamental areas.

If I were you and you were prone to gambling, I wouldn't be putting any Super Bowl money on da Iggles.
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Regarding Joe Thomas

Contrary to what some of you think, I am not a Joe Thomas hater.  But he is not God.  He is not beyond criticism.  So when I point out that he's a really good lineman that had a subpar season last year, you don't need to act like I'm trying to personally drive him away.

Also, let me be clear, I would have extended his contract too.  I would've done just what Tom Heckert did.  Because even a subpar Joe Thomas is amongst the best Left Tackles in the NFL, especially in today's game which seems to lack the elite level of LT that we saw in the past.

So congrats, Joe.  Glad you're staying.  Kick ass.
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Regarding the 3rd Down Back

Brandon Jackson appears to be AWOL for a while with some kind of toe ailment, so that all but assures that either Quinn Porter or Armond Smith make the team, especially with Hardesty still somewhat on the mend.

So, which shall it be?

Quinn Porter showed some things in that Philly game.  He's got decent speed, decent elusiveness, decent power.  He constructs his runs well.  He's a nice back.

Armond Smith is obviously more of a big play threat, but that big play could be for either team since Armond has trouble holding onto the football.  Still, fumble prevention can be taught.  Blocking can be taught.  Patience can be taught.  Speed - hot, nasty speed - cannot.

Thus, despite his obvious flaws, I'd have to put my hat in the Smith ring in this matter.
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Regarding Whatever

***An explanation I've heard about the Worst Penalty Everâ„¢ is that the refs will err on the side of caution.  Yeah, do that.  Make SURE you SEE the defender HIT the QB in the HEAD before you throw a flag.  ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION before making a decision which will have a huge impact on the game.

***The Titus Brown injury is damaging.  High ankle sprains can take weeks to heal, and that LB corps was hideously thin to begin with.

***James Dockery is a frustrating player.  One moment, he's making a nice play on a deep pass one-on-one.  Then he's getting toasted.  Then he's making a great tackle.  Then he's dropping a punt.  This guy is the definition of bubble.  Keep an eye on him next week.

***I don't know why everyone is assuming that Jordan Norwood is fighting for his life on this team.  I see no way the Browns don't keep 6 Receivers, and Norwood would certainly be one of them.  Josh Cribbs, Mo Massaquoi, Brian Robiskie, Greg Little, Jordan Norwood, and probably Carlton Mitchell.  See, that wasn't hard.

***LeSean McCoy is going to be a fantasy beast this year, especially in PPR leagues.  It always makes me feel good to know we passed him up for David Veikune.

***Phil Taylor wasn't the only starting D Lineman that looked gassed towards the end of the 1st Half.  The whole unit was in slow motion.  I'm sure this phenomenon was repeated throughout the league.  Look for some big scores the first couple weeks until these guys can get into game shape.

***Teams will continue to run the ball right at Sheard until he can learn to do something about it (or the Browns scheme them out of it).  Hopefully, this doesn't make him think too much out there and negate his pass rush.

***A message to Jack Matia Honda:  I don't want to do business with a handshake.  Whatever we agree to, I want that shit in writing.
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Next Up

Chicago Bears (Fake 1-2).

One of the lesser known Constitutional Amendments apparently requires that the Browns and Bears play the last game of the Fake Season in perpetuity.  I was previously unaware of this law, but the evidence is overwhelming.

Unless it's Montario Hardesty getting hurt (like last year), nothing interesting happens in this game.  I usually watch it with almost as much interest as I expend on puzzling the purpose of knuckle hair.

Can it be September 8th already?

Bears Infinity, Browns Absolute Zero.