Written by Chris Hutchison

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Yes, this picture is a blatant attempt to suck you into reading this article. Getting people to read about the Browns has become quite desperate as the losing seasons pile up, so you have to offer a little more, a little extra, for the beloved consumer. Thus, this article features many incredible nude photos of this young lady at the end to help ease your Browns-related pain.  

The catch - they only become visible if you read all the way through.*

Anyhoo... It's abundantly clear at this point that winning is not the main focus of the Cleveland Browns this season.

I felt this way somewhat even before the season began, but it's crystal now. I'm not saying they wanted to lose, necessarily. Sure, winning would've be nice. If the pieces/parts they've put in there were to develop so quickly that the team were good enough to win on a consistent basis, that would be awesome, a super bonus. But that's not what was most important to the powers that be entering this season. No, DEVELOPMENT and DISCOVERY were.

This season was not about putting together the best team possible (regardless cap) and making a run at the Playoffs. No, this season was about finding out what we had - if Colt McCoy was a Franchise QB, if Peyton Hillis was more than a one-hit wonder, if any of the post-Daboll Receivers were worth a damn, if D'Qwell Jackson can come back from 2 lost seasons, if this team's timeline can be pushed up with some early-developing young depth.

At least, we hope that's the plan (or that there's a plan at all).

Some speculate that this season was about sucking enough to be in position for one of the elite QB prospects in the draft. You start a QB that you don't think much of, you don't acquire any playmakers to help cover his flaws, you don't sign any veteran depth, you bring in a rookie Head Coach that looks more clueless than Alicia Silverstone, you find a way to keep your best Offensive weapons on the bench... maybe they're attempting to pull off the ol' presto-change-o while making it look enough like they're really trying to win, thus sacrificing the 2011 season and throwing Colt & Paddy under the bus in the interest of drafting a Franchise QB. It sounds horrible and ridiculous... until you watch the team play.

Of course, logically, I don't buy it for one second. Put aside how evil Heckgren would have to be to willingly destroy Colt & Paddy's careers; conspiracy theories are for the gullible.

No, the only thing that makes sense is that they decided to get the growing pains out of the way now and develop some younger players and a rookie coach.

As much as I hate the concept of sacrificing today for tomorrow (sometimes tomorrow never comes), I can muster up enough patience to see if it works. What choice do I have anyways? It's not like I'm gonna sit here whining and crying for the next 11 games. We've got more than enough people out there that will fulfill that requirement. This wasn't a Playoff team anyway - I want to see what the end game is before I lose my shit.

But I want to caution the Front Office that this strategy is going over like a turd in a swimming pool with the hyper-sensitive emotionally fragile Cleveland fan base, and you certainly have to watch out that the team doesn't lose complete confidence in the Head Coach, because it's hard to see any reason why they wouldn't if this farce continues.

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Stats

Time of Possession: OAK – 34:41, CLE – 25:19

Total Yards: OAK - 329, CLE – 268

Yards Passing: CLE - 203, OAK – 178

Yards Rushing: OAK – 151, CLE - 65

First Downs: CLE - 18, OAK – 18

Turnovers Forced: OAK - 1, CLE – 1

Sacks: OAK – 2, CLE - 2

Final Score: Oakland 24, Cleveland 17

One could argue that the Defense held Oakland to only 10 points, and 3 of that came after a Colt McCoy fumble deep in their own territory. But they still allowed almost 35 minutes of possession, 329 yards (151 rushing), and didn't make enough impact plays, even when Kyle "The Terrible" Boller came in. But with a competent Offense (and, this week, Special Teams unit), they played well enough to win.

However, with 4:44 left and down by 14, the Browns only had 173 total yards (a pathetic 65 on the ground). Oakland went into a somewhat Prevent Defense, and Cleveland was able to pad their passing and 1st Down stats.

This Offense just isn't good enough for the Browns to compete against even decent teams.

It's really incredible that they were even in this game. Had Oakland just kicked the FG with 4th and 1 at the CLE 5, they would've gone up by 17 (three scores) and the game would've been iced. But Hue Jackson inexplicably went for it, and it might've come back to bite him.

Fortunately for him, it was Colt McCoy directing the would-be tying drive (after the successful onside kick) and not Tom Brady. Four completely ineffective passes - questionable decisions all - and Al Davis got to smoke a cigar in his tomb.

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Game Balls

Alex Mack – For even showing up to play, then doing a fairly decent job against a tough D Line.

D'Qwell Jackson – Better get him locked up now before he gets too disgusted with management...

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Honorable Mention

Greg Little – Looked pretty good in his first start, and would've had a TD if not for the tricky Oakland turf.

Jabaal Sheard – When/if this team ever does get good, Sheard will be a big part of it. 4 tackles, a sack, and a forced fumble.

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Wall of Shame

Paddy O'Shurmur – More on this guy below.

Colt McCoy – Same with him.

Special Teams – Give up a kickoff return TD and fake FG TD and you can pretty much kiss your chances of winning goodbye.

Phil Dawson – Nice tackle attempt there, Phil. A tackle attempt you wouldn't have to make if you just kicked the ball out of the back of the End Zone.

Shaun Lauvao – Another bad game for the young Right Guard. Penalties, missed assignments... not good.

Montario Hardesty – Meh.

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Regarding SSDD

Paddy, you had 2 weeks to prepare for the Oakland Raiders, and that's the best you could do? Did you just hit Copy and Paste on your game plan spreadsheets?

Mr. Shurmur, have you ever heard the term Same Shit Different Day? Well, get to know it. That's your new nickname.

I am so disappointed right now. Not in the 2-3 record, no, that's about where I thought the team would be. I'm so disappointed in the fact that you don't seem to have any clue what you're doing, and what's worse is that you're not even interesting while being inept. The team remains imagination-free on, well, both sides, but even more so on Offense. Sloppy penalties, slow starts, missed assignments, random Time Outs, miscommunication, disarray... all while you sit there staring at your little playlist, droning on into your headset.

What's even more depressing is that you were Mike Holmgren's chosen candidate, a choice that as of right now looks like an epic fail, which brings Holmgren's judgment into question (which is bad if he's the de facto owner).

What's even MORE depressing than that is the probability that Holmgren will stick with you because he doesn't want to look bad, even if you make it abundantly clear that you just weren't cut out for this task. So if you prove in 2011 that you do indeed suck, we get to enjoy said suckage for 2012 too.

I am not psycho. I'm not going to start demanding SSDD's head after 5 measly games. And even the whackjobs out there will shut up in a heartbeat if the team shows up on Sunday and pounds the Seahawks and looks competent and makes it to 3-3.

But I get the impression that the respect level for him in the locker room is low. First, he mismanages the personnel, causing them to complain. Which they do publicly, already unafraid of questioning him in the media. Then the fans chime in, and then he basically gives in to their demands, promising to play the players in question more.

It may be completely false, but SSDD looks like an indecisive, lost pushover. Not ideal qualities for an NFL Head Coach.

Honestly, SSDD, how did you screw things up this badly? You're screwing with Peyton Hillis, screwing with Evan Moore. Colt McCoy looks more frustrated than a porn star without a penis. You've even got eternal cheerleader Josh Cribbs bitching that his role on Offense is useless and spewing "I want to say stuff, but I don't want to be a problem."

I didn't think it was possible to be this down on the Browns' future after just 5 games.

For the love of god, man, get your shit together!

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Regarding Colt McCoy

Five games in a new Offense with no offseason to prepare is too short a time to nail someone to a cross when they fail, but I think I've seen about enough of Charlie Frye - er, Colt McCoy - to start pre-ordering lumber and nails.

Before you even bother to try to protest to me about bad playcalling or poor playmakers or the Offensive Line, I invite you to stuff it. The Browns WR corps isn't the most talented group, but Colt misses them even when they are open. SSDD's playcalling is often head-scratching, but that shouldn't force Colt to look completely lost and indecisive. The Offensive Line doesn't always hold up so well, but it's pretty difficult for them when the QB holds the ball so long and Defenses stack the line because they're more afraid of being raped by Shirley Temple than they are of Colt McCoy burning them deep.

All this in an Offensive scheme which was supposedly tailor made to hide Colt's inadequacies.

Hell, Colt hardly even runs, which he should do a lot more since his mobility is really the only weapon he has. Some say, "Yeah, but if he runs more, he might get hurt."

Yeah, he might. Who the F cares? Is it that hard to replace his pocket "production"?

That's not me proclaiming that I want to see the backup QB's, because I don't. They'd probably suck too. I'm not sure at this point that they could suck more, but that doesn't mean I want to see them.

I want Mr. McCoy to continue to start, and I want him to finish this season. I allow him this leniency because there's no one behind him that I really think the team needs to take a long look at, and I want to give him the opportunity - no matter how slim - to show tremendous improvement and prove he can be The Answer.

Because, as of today, as far as I'm concerned the Browns have no choice but to use one of their 1st Round picks on a QB.

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Regarding The Luck Sweepstakes

Once upon a time, in an NFL far, far away, you could build a stalwart Defense and strong running game and make do with a mediocre QB.

That galaxy got nuked.

Today, the NFL is a pass-happy league designed to feature/protect QB's and their targets. And in a league that so features the QB position, you HAVE to have a Franchise-level passer.

In fact, a Franchise QB might not be good enough (ask the Ravens). Nowadays, you might need an Elite QB in order to have a practical shot to win it all.

Thus the reason I scoff at the ol' "fill the other holes first then get the QB" argument as antiquated and naive.

If you don't have your Franchise QB, then that position is a hole. The biggest hole you could possibly have.

If a Franchise QB is available for you, you no longer pass on him in order to try and "fill your other holes first". Until you have the QB hole filled, there is no progress, there is no chance.

The last time the Browns had that hole filled, some of these players weren't even alive.

Likely available in this draft will be Andrew Luck, the best QB prospect to come out of college in many, many years. He's the kind of can't-miss prospect that comes around once every decade (if that). Outside of the Super Bowl winner, the team that has the most successful 2011 season will be the team that lands this guy, and many teams recognize this. His draft presence, the new rookie cap, and the league's need for top-tier QB play has led to a circumstance I have never seen before.

Teams will tank to get Luck.

I'm not saying that teams started out the season with the mission to Suck For Luck (although one could argue that might have been the Browns' ultimate plan), but some of them have started off poorly and look around and figure it might be well worth it in the long haul to sacrifice the season now.

If the Browns were one of those teams that felt they might throw their hat in the ring should things go badly at the start, they might thank Colt McCoy for screwing their chances with his last second heroics versus Miami. Cleveland's only 2 wins came from the two frontrunners in the Luck Sweepstakes - one must consider the possibility that they out-tanked the Browns.

Naturally, I do not endorse losing on purpose. Had the Browns lost to the Dolphins, I would endorse losing on purpose. I would cheer every loss and laud Tom Heckert's brilliance in creating a team so bad that Cleveland was finally - finally - able to land their Franchise signal caller, the Football LeBron. But at 2-3, they have a huge uphill battle to move into that 1st overall position. 2 wins might not even get it done. The team that "wins" that pick might very well be an 0-fer (just for safety's sake).

So while the Browns are looking at quality-yet-lesser QB's like Landry Jones and Matt Barkley, here are the teams that are in position to be in contention for the next 10 years:

1. Indianapolis Colts (0-6) - This team is the one that is most obviously tanking. Blowing leads left and right, even at home against teams like Cleveland and Kansas City, looking completely clueless despite being a playoff team for most of the last decade, playing awful football despite multiple Pro Bowlers. Part of the 2011 Colts underlines the importance of an Elite QB in today's game, part of it shows the intelligence of Indy brass in positioning themselves to draft Peyton's replacement and enjoy another 10 years in the sun.

2. Miami Dolphins (0-5) - The Fins are actually fairly solid Defensively, and Daniel Thomas should be a good RB for several years to come. But what they need is a QB, and Chad Henne ain't it. There's no reason this team should end up #1 overall, but their unfortunate start may have inspired them to make a run at the gold. Their Coach is a Dead Man Walking anyway, might as well cut his knees out from under him in an effort to attain the prize.

3. Denver Broncos (1-4) - The Horsies are in a really good position right now. Their fans are misguidedly begging for Tim Tebow. So in an already lost season, you give the fans Tebow, and he proceeds to be bad enough to position the team to draft his replacement. You can't lose - you get a great pick, you make the fans happy, you show the world that the Tebow kid ain't gonna cut it in today's NFL.

4. Minnesota Vikings (1-5) - It would be interesting to see what the Vikes would do if they got the #1 overall since they just drafted Christian Ponder high in the 1st. My guess is that they would ransom the pick for a vast treasure, but what they really should do is take Luck and trade Ponder for whatever you can get. When it's all said and done, Ponder's career is far behind Luck's. Don't be the guy that makes that mistake.

5. Carolina Panthers (1-5) - This is the one team that is legitimately in the Luck Sweepstakes (although I don't think they'll stay in it for long) that would be justified in trading the pick for a King's ransom. With Cam Newton, you don't need Andrew Luck. Luck might be better, but he might not. Newton has already been more impressive than most thought - his ceiling is high. And with the plethora of picks you could get from some desperate team (cough, cough - Cleveland - cough, cough) for that spot, you could get good in a damn hurry.

6. St. Louis Rams (0-5) - A year ago, Sam Bradford was the Offensive Rookie of the Year and this team seemed primed for a Playoff run in a weak division. Five games in, they look special needs (certainly the result of losing Pat Shurmur - tee hee hee). The Rams are truly awful and need so many things, but QB probably isn't it. This would be the other team that would be best served to trade the pick for 72 other picks.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5) - Some would argue that the Jags would be another team that should pass on Luck if they got the #1 overall, but I say "Faugh!" to that. You will never convince me that Gabbert will be half the QB Luck could be. In my opinion, Gabbert was highly overrated coming out of Missouri, and if you're gonna pass on Lucky for Gabby, then you deserve to have your team blown up and shipped Fed Ex to LA.

8. Arizona Cardinals (1-4) - Them guys in 'Zona felt that they were getting their Franchise QB when they traded for Kevin Kolb, and they might still be right. But Kolb has been somewhat underwhelming so far and there's no way in hell they have a shot at the Playoffs at this point, so no one could blame them if they feel like getting in the game and shooting for the moon.

See how hopeless the Browns' situation is? With this schedule, they'd be hard-pressed to pass up those 8 pathetic teams (not to mention the Seahawks and Chiefs) to get into Luck position. So, as usual, don't even bother hoping for the best.

Or, in this case, the worst.

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Regarding Andy Reid

When players becomes available to the open market, teams acquire said players if they are upgrades to the players they already have.

So if Philly releases Andy Reid at the end of the season, would an NFL team do the same with a Head Coach?

9 winning seasons/playoff appearances in 12 years apparently doesn't go as far as it used to (hell, in Cleveland they'd immortalize him), so Joe Eagle Fan has demanded that Andy must go. Mike Holmgren and Andy Reid go way back. Tom Heckert and Andy Reid go way back. What are the odds that they tell Pat Shurmur "Sorry, kid, but we have to demote you. The opportunity is just too good to pass up."

As much as I might like that move, the odds of it happening are zero. Holmgren won't do that, and Reid wouldn't allow it if he tried. Reid and Shurmur go way back too - no way he steals Paddy's job.

But if Andy's looking for a soft landing as a Coordinator for a year or two, Cleveland would have to be considered a front-runner. All the familiarity aside, Reid's an Offensive Coach, and the Browns happen to have an open position at Offensive Coordinator. Shurmur might be reluctant to turn that over to someone he doesn't know, but Reid? I think he'd to it in a heartbeat.

And if you want to add instant credibility to your coaching staff, Andy Reid's a good way to go about it.

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Regarding Whatever

***Even against the un-dynamic duo of Jason Campbell and Kyle Boller, it was apparent that the Browns Defense severely missed Joe Haden. Dimitri Patterson was scared feces-free by Darius Heyward-Bey. Joe ain't scared of nuthin'.

***It was great to see Jim Schwartz go after Jim Harbaugh. As far as I'm concerned, Harbaugh is kind of a dick, and that handshake deal was totally unacceptable. Still, it wasn't blatantly disrespectful, and I think most coaches would've just let it go. Glad that Schwartz didn't.

Now, what do you think Pat Shurmur's reaction would've been?

My guess - he stands there looking confused, staring at his hand.

***Any particular reason the Browns seemed uninterested in acquiring Brandon Lloyd? It's not like they're overflowing with Pro Bowl Receivers.  True, he's only really had one good year and he's a little older, but it still somewhat emphasizes Not Really Trying To Win This Year.

***Hate to say it, but if the Buckeyes were a 30 point home dog this week, I'd still take Wisconsin to cover.

***What if the NBA cancelled the season and nobody noticed?

***Which is disingenuous. Of course people will notice... some time in late March after the Final Four finishes.

***Well, there goes that Yankees-Phillies World Series that MLB and the national media was looking for. Instead, they got St. Louis-Texas. The Neilsen ratings will be so high they'll freakin' break.

I actually think it's a decent match-up, but it spells massive disinterest amongst the casual fans (which includes me, but I probably wasn't going to watch much regardless). Baseball needs to hope for a 7 game series full of close games.

***I just saw a preview for the new Three Musketeers movie.

Flying galleon blimps and slow-motion Matrix-style sword fights. A visual lobotomy.

It's been a long time since I've seen a trailer that made me want to see a movie less. I'd rather break a glass thermometer off in my urethra than waste $8 on that disaster. It would be less painful.

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Next Up

Seattle Seahawks (2-3).

First off, you will see the season's first "Suck For Luck" signs at Cleveland Browns Stadium this week. The fans know this team is going nowhere fast this year.

Let's see... well, Seattle isn't very good. For the first several weeks of the season, the debate was about who was worse, the Seahawks or the Chiefs? But both have since won 2 games, so now they're probably ranked around or above Cleveland.

As long as the Offense keeps looking as organized as a teenage boy's room, it will be hard to pick them against anyone. But this is one team they probably match up well against.

The Browns D is 7th ranked, including #1 against the pass (which is misleading, but give them their small victories). But they're only 27th against the run. Fortunately, the Seahawks feature the 29th ranked Rush attack, only one spot above the Browns (#30). So they won't be able to run it down our gullets.

In fact, Seattle has the 30th overall Offense, led by the inexplicably-starting Tarvaris Jackson. They have no weapons that put fear in anyone.

If Colt & Co. can manage a somewhat non-Special Needs performance against Seattle's 18th ranked D (7 Run, 17 Pass), the Browns should be able to pull this out. They probably won't be able to run very well against the Seahawks, but with Hillis likely out, they won't be able to run against 11 crash test dummies. So no loss.

It's a very thin, dead limb I'm climbing out on, but I think Cleveland finds a way to win this puppy at home and further dash the hopes of the Luck-Suckers.

Browns 17, Seahawks 13.

*You must have skipped a sentence or two.  Our apologies.