Written by Chris Hutchison

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What can one say after witnessing such an epic battle, such an explosive menagerie of excitement and thrill? It's difficult to even speak, to even comprehend that you were there, that you actually SAW that. Years from now, with your grandchildren on your knee, you can wistfully tell them about this game as they listen with rapt attention.

Sitting in the stadium on Sunday, the immortal words of Al Michaels echoes in my head: "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!"

That game was a miracle of offensive ineptitude.

Yes, it was ugly, the kind of game only Eric Mangini could love. Many people have told me that the Browns are the worst 3-3 team of all time. Tough wins against the shorthanded Seahawks and the purposely-tanking Colts and Dolphins doesn't instill them with glee. They see fatal flaws in the system - at QB, at Head Coach, even at the Front Office.

And it's hard to tell them with assurance that they're wrong.

But 3-3 is 3-3, regardless of your opinion of how uninspiring the wins are, and it's clear that Cleveland's Defense is good enough that it pushes the Browns at least out of that Morass of Suck that inhabits the lower regions of the NFL. If you are pissed about your underwhelming .500 team, just imagine how happy those people in Miami, Indy, St. Louis, Jacksonville, Arizona, and Seattle are. You can throw in Minnesota and Denver too, since those teams epically suck but have at least given their fans a glimmer of hope with QB changes (Minnesotans justifiably so, Denverinos because they're blinded by pyrite).

I don't want to hear that Seattle was without their starting QB, starting RB, and TE. Cleveland was also without their starting RB, then lost their starting TE and WR during the game, and have played the entire season without a starting QB (at least not one that should be starting). As bad as Cleveland's Offense looked, it was at least functional. Seattle's looked 10x worse.

And where the Browns Offense was marginally better than the Seahawks', their Defense was noticeably better. Seattle made one Offensive play of note all day, and that was on a busted coverage. One. You can't dismiss that just because it's convenient to your anti-everything-Browns argument. Outside of a couple big plays against the Titans and a brain-lapse against Cincy, the Cleveland Defense has been solid-to-great all season long.

THAT'S why the team is 3-3, and THAT'S why I'm not going to drink the "Worst 3-3 Team Ever" cider-and-vodka cocktail.

It's very unlikely at this point, but if somehow, some way, the Offense and Special Teams can get their shit together, the Browns could indeed become a team worthy of .500. Maybe more.

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Stats

Time of Possession: CLE - 42:56!, SEA - 17:04

Total Yards: CLE - 298, SEA - 137!

Yards Passing: CLE - 157, SEA - 72

Yards Rushing: CLE - 141, SEA - 65

First Downs: CLE - 20, SEA - 9!

Turnovers Forced: CLE - 2, SEA – 1

Sacks: SEA – 5, CLE - 3

Final Score: Cleveland 6, Seattle 3

The above stats are the reason that I find this to be the most satisfying win of the year, despite the anemic score line and overall boring-ness. Seattle is a team that was on the rise, winning 2 out of their last 3, including an impressive win in New Jersey against the Giants. Their only loss in that span was a 2 pointer against Atlanta, and even though they were starting their backup QB, he'd looked really good against New York in relief.

And in every way except for on the scoreboard, the Browns kicked the shit out of them.

That Time of Possession is just nuts. Total yardage, also huge. You turn those 2 blocked FG's into real FG's, also tack on another FG for the drive where Colt threw a horrible INT in the red zone (I can in no way assume that the team was going to punch the ball in the End Zone), your final score is 15-3, which would be more indicative of the whooping Cleveland put on the Seahawks.

This team is massively flawed, but if you're able to dominate another NFL team (any NFL team), there's hope.

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Game Balls

The Defense – When you hold a team to 137 total yards, 2 third down conversions, and 17 minutes of possession, you have done a tremendous job.  They are now the #4 ranked D (#2 against the Pass, #8 scoring).  Raise your hand if you thought that would be the case (even through 6 games) before the season began.

Dick Jauron – His half of the team has been solid all year. You wait, in 4 weeks someone is going to start calling for him to be made Head Coach (thereby revealing their adult ADD). 

Joe Haden – Cuz he's awesome, even with a wounded knee.

TJ Ward – 6 tackles, a sack, a forced fumble, and a key pass defense on 3rd and Goal to keep the game in reach (since a 4 point lead at that juncture might've been insurmountable).

Charlie Whitehurst – For making Colt McCoy look like Drew Brees.

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Honorable Mention

Chris Ogbannaya – The Browns' leading Receiver after one game, and provided a nice burst on his 3 carries (5 yards per). I'm not sure he's necessarily more of weapon than Armond Smith, but if he's actually going to see the field, he'll make more of an impact.

Jabaal Sheard – I don't know how many Defensive Rookie of the Year votes this guy is gonna get playing in Cleveland, but he deserves some.

Chris Gocong – He's really starting to make some plays, which is making me feel better about that extension he signed.

Pat Shurmur (The Head Coach) – For gutting out a game plan that is out of his comfort zone but was working best on that particular day.

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Wall of Shame

SSDD (The Offensive Coordinator) – If this is Colt's fault, then I retract this. But you, as the Offensive Coordinator, absolutely HAVE to take more deep shots. I don't care if the Receivers aren't getting separation, I don't care if there's only a 5% chance of the pass getting completed - going 80 yards in 3 yard chunks is VERY DIFFICULT. The Seahawks simply did what every other team has been doing to the Browns: Put 9 (or sometimes 10) in the box and blitz and dare you to beat them over the top. And if you don't, then you'll average 2 yards a carry and have .5 seconds to throw 5 yards passes to guys with 3 defenders on them.

You aren't going to be able to win all your games 6-3.

If Colt doesn't have the arm to make that happen, he shouldn't be on the field. The Browns had one long pass all game. It was into double coverage and could've been picked, but you have to take those shots if you want to have any shot of opening up the running/underneath passing game.

Oh, and run some no huddle for the love of Anne Bancroft.

Colt McCoy – His defenders will claim that Colt isn't very good because the right side of the O Line sucks and the Receivers aren't getting overly open. I say that Colt isn't very good AND the right side of the O Line sucks and the Receivers aren't getting overly open. Throwing the ball over a wide open Ben Watson's head from about 5 yards away on 3rd Down sealed the deal for me - QB is a position we'll need to address in the offseason. I don't disallow that he could still emerge and become a quality QB, I just maintain that the odds are definitely against it.

Special Teams – What the hell, peeps? Two blocked FG's? Allowing a punt return TD that was fortunately called back? With the Offense stuck in first gear, we need you to not be part of the problem.

Jason Pinkston – Apparently it was your fault that both kicks got blocked. Which means Boo.

Shaun Lauvao – I was yelling for you to get benched when you went "Olé" 2 plays in a row in the 1st Quarter. I am sick of watching your slow ass running after the DT that just beat you like a dirty rug and is currently sacking the QB. I was so happy to see John Greco out there, and those are words I never thought I'd write.

Brad Maynard – 8 yard punt. The only thing more impressive is if he was able to punt it backwards.

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Regarding the Carson Palmer Trade

Last week, the Bengals of Cincinnati traded the services of Carson Palmer to the Raiders of Oakland for a 1st Round pick in 2012 and a 2nd Round pick in 2013 that could become a 1st if the Raiders win a playoff game.

Earlier this year, Mr. Palmer had proclaimed that he would rather retire than play for Cincy again, that he had enough money (duh) and could survive if the Bengals refused to trade him.

Well, the Bengals refused to trade him. Old school fool Mike Brown showed that he can be as obstinate as anyone by calling Palmer on his bluff and basically giving him a huge yuck foo.

But then the 4-2 Raiders saw their starting QB, Jason Campbell, done in by a conniving orange hurricane. Their backup QB was without merit. Their desperation was as palpable as granite or pot pies.

Scene imagined thusly:

1930's NYC exec sits in a high rise near (but not too close to) the window, smoking a cigarette and more-than-sipping on a glass of scotch. He is a small, balding man, the kind of man that could either get beat up by angry children or take a shotgun to his whole family. He seems to be waiting, and he ashes on himself inadvertently.

A knock comes on the door. The exec jumps like a goat on a hot tin roof.

Exec (loudly, jumpy): Who the f*** is it?

In walks a very tall, ugly blonde man holding a dead aardvark. He bows his head respectfully.

Chud: You told me to knock.

Exec: Well, not when I'm jumpy!

Chud: How am I supposed ta?... (he catches himself, then bows and holds out an envelope). I got a message for ya.

Exec: A message? From who?

Chud: Zippy McGee.

There is a long, shocked pause.

Exec: Zippy McGee? I don't want to talk to Zippy McGee! (whispers) His dad just died! Ew!

Chud (embarrassed): Oh. Oh no. He didn't come asking for, you know... tribute.

Exec (much relief): Good! (gathers himself) Good, because I ain't giving out no toast. As one of the founding fathers, you know they'll want me to go first...

Chud (interrupting): He came with an offer for the Duchess.

The exec freezes. His face turns hard.

Exec (cold, whispering): The Duchess?

Chud looks scared for the first time. His mouth flaps like a carp on a mountaintop.

Chud: I told him the Duchess was off limits...

Exec: So why the f*** am I still talking to you?

Chud: Cuz of what he said... what he told me... what he offers...

Exec: That had better be pretty f****** good!

Chud composes himself, sits up, and dabs the corners of his mouth with a hanky.

Chud: He said Italy.

The Exec freezes in the act of potentially smashing a glass ashtray on Chud's head. He looks thoughtful, scratching his gut in concentration.

Exec: He said... What?!

Chud: Italy. You can have Italy.

Exec: Like... the whole country?

Chud: The whole thing.

The exec sets the ashtray down, fighting down his eagerness, lighting himself a fresh cigarette, composing himself.

Exec: That's it? Italy. F****** Italy? That's hardly on the damn continent...

Chud: He also mentioned Serbia. With the potential of that moving up to Greece if they win 6 battles in a row with less than 30% casualty. 30% for all six battles total, that is.

Exec (stone cold): Less than 45%. And that's for any of the 6 battles. Non-negotiable.

Chud bows and smiles. There is an icy moment.

Exec: You know what the Duchess did to me?

Chud: No, sir.

Exec: You've never heard?

Chud: No, sir.

Exec (leans in, whispering): It. Was. Bad!

He walks off a bit, staring out the window at the withering trees of Autumn. There is silence. Chud appears almost scared to break it, but finally does.

Chud: So? They can have the Duchess?

The executive freezes, as if finally realizing what he is doing.

Exec: Yes... I suppose so.

He pours himself another glass.

Exec: For that, they can have the Duchess. For that, they can shoot me in the head and f*** the brain hole, for all I care. Yes, they can have the Duchess. May she ride them straight to hell!!!

There is a dreadful pause.

Scene Out.

And that's a pretty accurate portrayal of how that went down.

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Regarding Montario Hardesty

95 yards rushing against one of the top Run D's in the land. Nice. 33 carries to get that 95, less than 3 yards per carry. Not so nice.

I'm not sure I can fully evaluate Hardesty this season since he will rightfully return to the backup role when Hillis gets back, but my impression of him is that he has sub-par vision and is very ordinary in the power department. It wasn't like there were gaping holes there for him, not with the Seahawks loading the box, but there were certainly times where a cut or a spin would've gotten him out of traffic and to the second level. And his highlight reel coming out of college was agog with cuts and spins.

I just feel that Hardesty still lacks a bit of confidence in his knee, and perhaps he's still a year away from being back to 100% in speed and explosiveness. For the time being, he's a solid backup, and probably not much more.

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Regarding The West Coast Offense

The whining about the West Coast Offense is special needs. Yes, the Browns version of the WCO is pretty damn ugly. Doesn't mean the WCO itself doesn't work. Plenty of teams run it and seem to be doing just fine, thank you very much. Like, oh, Green Bay, a cold weather team that runs the WCO to perfection.

There are many problems with our WCO offense now, but that certainly doesn't mean it won't work eventually. The biggest issue with it is that - like any passing-based Offense - it will only go as far as the QB takes it.

So, yes, last year's Offense probably does look somewhat better than this year's version, because last year's Offense wasn't as predicated on good QB play. It was antiquated and in no way will win you a Championship in today's NFL, but if you're looking for a safe Offense that'll get you to a nice 8-8 or 9-7 (at best) with some Defensive help, boy do I have the Coordinator for you!

Just sucks that he's leading that Miami juggernaut right now.

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Regarding Whatever

***As of writing (just after the Baltimore-Jacksonville game), the Top 4 Defenses in the NFL are all in the AFC North.

***The Roughing the Passer penalty on the Seahawks near the end of the 1st Quarter was a huge bullshit call.  I was actually glad the Browns had the FG blocked since they didn't deserve the points in that manner.  The NFL really needs to figure out something else because the new no-tackling-the-QB rules are turning even me off to football.  They are tailor-making an environment for a rival non-wuss league to finally succeed.

***We very may be seeing Artis Hicks in some Guard capacity this week. Hicks is out of his element at Tackle, but has quality experience at G.

***Glad to see that the Browns were able to sign Armond Smith back to the Practice Squad. I think he's got some value when the Offense gets right.

***Saw this on CBS Sportsline and found it interesting: Coach Pat Shurmur said he’d like to talk with team president Mike Holmgren about the latter’s plans to hire an offensive coordinator for next season. Shurmur indicated he had no problem with it if Holmgren allows him to remains the play-caller.

***After the game, Seattle Head Coach Pete Carroll whined about the block-in-the-back call that wiped out the punt return TD: "I hope [the call] was right. I hope they made the right choices on those things because it's pretty hard to live with otherwise."

Hahahahahaha!

Yes, Pete, the world will be agonizing over whether your crap team should've ended up 5-11 instead of 4-12.

***Speaking of Pete Carroll, is there any bigger douchebag in the NFL? It's hard to think of one. Maybe the QB in Pittsburgh.

***Tim Tebow is to Quarterbacking what Vanilla Ice is to Rap. All the needless attention that useless schmoe is getting is incredibly annoying and making me hate him a little bit (more than I already did).

***If anyone had any day dreams about the Browns getting back into the Andrew Luck Race, those should be officially over now. The only teams really in the running are Miami, Indy, and St. Louis.

Obviously, we in Cleveland should be rooting for STL, since they will likely trade that pick for a bag-o'-goodies, and the Browns (with two 1st Round picks in 2012) might be in that mix. But I think it will be interesting if Indy gets it, because I think that raises the dynamic that Luck might possibly choose not to come out.

Why? Well, the common train of thought is that Luck could sit behind Peyton Manning a few years and learn the system. But rookie QB's play right away these days, and Luck might not like the idea of spending 2-3 years on the bench.

And what happens if Luck tells the Colts as much pre-draft-declaration date? Do the Colts tell him "Fine, screw you, stay at Stanford then" and take the BPA? Or do they say "The future is now. Sorry, Peyton, but your time is coming to a close, and this is what we have to do in order to get this guy. We have to trade you."

I know - you think that'll never happen. You might be right. You also might be naive to the ways of the business end of the NFL.

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Next Up

San Francisco 49ers (5-1).

I'm sure the Browns will be fat underdogs in this game, but I think it would be a mistake to take the 49ers against the spread. Not only will teams seldom run away from the Browns due to solid Defense, but San Fran is coming off of a Bye Week, and with the new no-practice rules this year that's not an advantage.

But SF has one of the better Defenses in the league, and I just don't think the Browns will be able to move the ball enough to pull this game out. Hillis will likely be back, but I'd keep him on your fantasy bench again if I were you.

The Niners probably won't pass for many yards. I'm not completely buying in to Alex Smith yet, and the Browns have one of the top Pass D's. But they'll run it just fine with Why-Aren't-You-Hurt-Yet Frank Gore and control the clock the way Cleveland did to Seattle last week. This will be another low-scoring yawner, but this time with a less satisfactory conclusion.

49ers 17, Browns 9.