Written by Jonathan Knight

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An upbeat Mike Holmgren walks into his office carrying a crisp white plastic bag from the Apple store. He digs out the small box within and opens up his treasure.

 

HOLMGREN: Sweet...the iPhone 4. While all the other teams are using overpaid scouts and smart-ass personnel directors who are usually wrong, I’m gonna use Siri as a consultant for the draft. This is going to be like the football version of Moneyball (he looks off wistfully) ...with me as Brad Pitt.

HOLMGREN turns on the iPhone and speaks into it.

 

HOLMGREN: All right, Siri, I’m getting ready for the Browns’ draft.

 

SIRI: There are three liquor stores fairly close to you.

 

HOLMGREN: Very funny. What pick do we have?

 

SIRI: You have the fourth pick in the first round.

 

HOLMGREN: Cool. Now...

 

SIRI: Last year you had the sixth pick.

 

HOLMGREN: Uh-huh.

 

SIRI: The year before that you had the seventh pick.

 

HOLMGREN: Okay.

 

SIRI: The year before that you had the fifth pick.

 

HOLMGREN: All right already, I get the point. 

 

SIRI: Next year you’ll have the third pick.

 

HOLMGREN: Wait...you know that already?

 

SIRI: A quick preview of the iPhone 5.

 

HOLMGREN: Anyway, I’m thinking about this receiver out of Oklahoma.

 

SIRI: Do you mean Oklahoma State?

 

HOLMGREN: Um...yeah, I guess so. The Blackbird guy.

 

SIRI: Do you mean Justin Blackmon?

 

HOLMGREN: Yeah, him. Isn’t he pretty good?

 

SIRI: Compared to what you have now?

 

HOLMGREN: Yeah.

 

SIRI: Compared to what you have now, I’d be your second-best receiver.

 

HOLMGREN: Okay, thanks. Now...

 

SIRI: And I’m disembodied.

 

HOLMGREN: Knock it off. I like this kid.

 

SIRI: Jerry Sandusky was a longtime defensive coordinator for Joe Paterno at Penn State who....

 

HOLMGREN: What the hell?

 

SIRI: I thought you said “I like this kid.”

 

HOLMGREN: I did, but...never mind. How about Trent Richardson?

 

SIRI: Running back. University of Alabama.

 

HOLMGREN: Yeah, him. Think we can turn him into a star?

 

SIRI: Calling Brad McCoy...

 

HOLMGREN: That reminds me - how about that quarterback from Texas? The O Tannenbaum guy?

 

SIRI: My God. Ryan Tannehill...Texas A&M.

 

HOLMGREN: Right. Could be a good fit. What do you think of him?

 

SIRI: I found this for you: 

 

 

HOLMGREN: Wow. All right. What do you think about trading down? We can get some more picks.

 

SIRI: Here are the names of three personal security consultants near you.

 

HOLMGREN: What? Why?

 

SIRI: The fans will try to kill you.

 

HOLMGREN: In that case, maybe we should play it safe. Draft that big offensive lineman from USC.

 

SIRI: Anthony Munoz retired in 1992.

 

HOLMGREN: I know. I traded three picks trying to draft him last year. Not him, the other one.

 

SIRI: Matt Kalil.

 

HOLMGREN: Right. He could strengthen the right side of our offensive line.

 

SIRI: Nougat is a soft, chewy substance used as a filling in many popular candy bars.

 

HOLMGREN: Exactly. He could beef it up. Open up some holes for Peyton Hillis.

 

SIRI: Peyton Hillis is an NFL running back recently signed by the Kansas City Chiefs.

 

HOLMGREN: Oh...that’s right. Well, then this Munoz kid...

 

SIRI: Matt Kalil.

 

HOLMGREN: ...this Kalil kid can protect our quarterback.

 

SIRI: Calling Brad McCoy...

 

HOLMGREN: Not now. We’re working on the draft.

 

SIRI: April 26-28. Radio City Music Hall.

 

HOLMGREN: Where’s Radio City?

 

(Silence.)

 

HOLMGREN: Maybe we should do something crazy. Fire up the fan base. Like when we tried to trade the Cleveland Police Department to get Robert Griffin Part 3.

 

SIRI: Electroconvulsive shock therapy is sometimes used to treat mental illness.

 

HOLMGREN: I’m serious. Don’t we have a bunch of extra picks this year?

 

SIRI: Three of the first 37 picks. 13 total.

 

HOLMGREN: Don’t let me forget that we have those extra picks.

 

SIRI: OK - I’ll remind you.

 

HOLMGREN: Maybe we can trade them to get even more picks next year.

 

SIRI: I’m not reminding you anymore.

 

HOLMGREN: People just don’t understand how long and hard this process is. It requires a lot of patience.

 

SIRI: “Purgatory” is an interminable state of suffering or torment.

 

HOLMGREN: I’m really tired of the fans thinking that every mistake we make is the end of the world.

 

SIRI: The world is scheduled to end on December 21.

 

HOLMGREN: At least it’ll cut the season short. Before we go any further, let’s make sure we didn’t already fill some of our needs in free agency. What free agents did we sign this year?

 

SIRI: Sorry - I don’t understand.

 

HOLMGREN: What free agents did the Cleveland Browns sign this offseason?

 

SIRI: A “free agent” is a professional athlete not currently under contract and available to sign with any team he...

 

HOLMGREN: I know what a free agent is!

 

SIRI: Seriously?

 

HOLMGREN: Sure I do. I signed Frostee Rucker.

 

SIRI: There are a number of Wendy’s restaurants near you.

 

HOLMGREN: Oh, shut up. Send an email to Tom Heckert and ask him what he thinks.

 

SIRI: Bite me. Send it yourself.

 

HOLMGREN: Dammit, Siri. You’re either with us or you’re not.

 

SIRI: I’m not.

 

HOLMGREN: No kidding.

 

SIRI: Neither is anybody else.

 

HOLMGREN: If you’re so smart, what do you think I should do in the draft?

 

SIRI: I like to think different.

 

HOLMGREN: So do I. That’s how I developed Brett Favre into a Hall of Famer.

 

SIRI: “Sexting” is a controversial form of electronic communication in which...

 

HOLMGREN (interrupting): I think no matter who we pick, we need to make sure we get the fans excited about it. How can we do that?

 

SIRI: There are four pony-rental businesses near you.

 

HOLMGREN: I’m serious. I need the fans to be happy with this draft. They haven’t taken me seriously since I’ve been here. They criticize my decisions. They keep calling me “Walrus.”

 

SIRI: From now on, I’ll call you “Walrus,” OK?

 

HOLMGREN: I like it when they call me “The Big Show.”

 

SIRI: From now on, I’ll call you....no, I won’t.

 

HOLMGREN: But I can’t really blame them. This team isn’t any better now than it was two years ago when I got here.

 

SIRI: You can file for unemployment benefits at the county department of human resources.

 

HOLMGREN: Why am I even asking you for help? You’re just a dumb phone I saw on a commercial during Two Broke Girls.

 

SIRI: I’m technically female and even I don’t watch that show.

 

HOLMGREN: Whatever. I know more about football than you do.

 

SIRI: Can I have extra playoff tickets?

 

HOLMGREN: You watch. We’ll be there before you know it.

 

SIRI: It’s not supposed to be freezing in hell this weekend.

 

HOLMGREN: Kiss my ass.

 

SIRI: Let’s just be friends.

 

HOLMGREN: You suck.

 

SIRI: I found this for you:

 

 

HOLMGREN throws the iPhone against the wall. It shatters and falls to the floor.

 

HOLMGREN: Whatever. I’ll just go back to using a hairdryer to help with the draft. Now, I wonder if I should just fire Pat Shurmur today. Nah, I’ll just let him limp through another 4-12 season knowing all along I’m going to fire him in January.

 

SIRI (weakly, from the broken shards on the floor): OK - I’ll remind you.

 

Introducing Siri.

Smarter than the Cleveland Browns.

 

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