Written by Chris Hutchison

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INT. CLEVELAND MANSION - NIGHT

Dee and Jimmy Haslam sleep in their new Emperor-sized waterbed in their new Emperor-sized mansion in an affluent Cleveland suburb.  Dee wears a sleeping mask over her eyes and snores comfortably, but Jimmy rolls back and forth, randomly hugging and strangling various pillows.

Jimmy (in his sleep):  No... no no!... stay away, I'll freakin'!... let me alone!

Dee sits up, looking around with the mask still on.  She pulls it up and squints at her husband next to her.  Scowling, she reaches out and shoves him.

Dee:  Jimmy.  Jimmy!  JIMMY!!!

Jimmy (waking up):  What what?  I'll stab you in the guts!

Dee (irritated):  Wake up, fool!  You're talkin' in your sleep again.

Jimmy (taken aback):  I'm talkin' again?

Dee:  What'd I say?

Jimmy (stares around room):  Oh.

Dee:  What the hell's wrong with you?  You done been hornswoggled since you bought the team.  You losin' it?

Jimmy:  No... no, not that... I just been havin' these dreams.

Dee:  What kind of dreams?

Jimmy:  Bad ones.

Dee:  Well, no shit Jimmy.  What're they about?

Jimmy:  I don't know.  Men... in weird leather helmets... Howard Cosell... tellin' me I'm cursed now that I bought the team.

Dee:  Cursed?  Christ, Jimmy, you don't believe in that!

Jimmy:  I know!  It's stupid... I must be poisoned by this Cleveland food.

Dee:  I had the Cleveland food and I'm OK.

Jimmy:  Yeah, well... your stomach is...

Jimmy looks around like he hears a voice.

Dee (concerned):  Jimmy, you all right?

Jimmy (distracted):  Yeah, yeah, I think this house has... some kind of leak... air leak... making it sound like voices are tellin' me I'm cursed.

Dee:  Like the voices that Randy talked about?

Jimmy (taken aback):  That sissy?  Hell no!  When he told me that voices kept him up at night crying, it was all I could do not to laugh in his mamby-pamby face!  This is just an air leak I'm talkin' 'bout!

Dee:  I don't know if I've ever heard of air leaks before...

Jimmy:  What're you talkin' 'bout?  People have air leaks all the time!  I ain't cursed!

Dee (rolling her eyes):  Sure you ain't.

Jimmy:  I just ain't used to sleepin' in this Yankee weather, that's all!  It's weird.  Full of... weirdness.

Dee lays down and pulls the mask back over her eyes.  Jimmy stares around the dark room, looking for an assailant that isn't there.  Until, from above, a 10 x 10 mirror falls from the ceiling and shatters all over the couple.

They lay, bleeding, in their bed, reaching towards each other as their life fluid leaks onto the silk sheets.

Dee (gasping):  What... was... that?

Jimmy (gurgling):  Mirror... I... had... put... over... bed...

Dee:  Why?

Jimmy:  Oh... you know... seemed... like... a... sexy... idea...

Jimmy's head falls to the side as he perishes.  Dee lifts her hand to his cheek sadly.

Dee:  Guess... you... were... cursed... after...

FADE OUT.

_____________________

Regarding Jimmy Haslam III

I like him.  There's a lot to like.

The main reason that I like him is that he didn't own the team just because his dad made him promise to and then sold it the first chance he got when his promise-duration expired.

How many people don't want to own an NFL team?  It's like asking "How many people don't want to f*** a Swedish supermodel?"

Que sera sera, whatever his reasons, Randy Lerner didn't want to.  And he sold the team to someone who really did.

I like that.

Now let's see if anything changes around here (and I'm not talking about just another reboot - that's ordinary) before I get overly excited.  Since he bought the team, Chris Gocong suffered a career-threatening injury, Joe Haden popped some ADD meds, and Trent Richardson's knee got ouchy.  Helluva first week.

_____________________

Regarding The Defense

So, you're worried about the young Offense.

So, you think the 10th overall ranking last year was not a mirage.

Ah ah ah (waving a finger)... the Offense won't be a juggernaut this year, but they're young and they're talented and they actually have some depth.  You should be worrying about the perceived strength - the Defense.

Yes, the Browns overall and scoring Defense was a Top 10 unit statistically last year, but that had a lot to do with the fact that opponents would go into shells once they got a 10 point lead because that was almost insurmountable for Colt McCoy and the Incredible Browns Ineptness of 2011.  No reason to pass the ball when you can run at will and kill clock and not have to worry about the worst O in the NFL coming back on you.

At full strength, I was still of the mind that the Browns Defense was going to be the unit holding the team back this year.  There are so few playmakers on that side of the ball, and the depth is deplorable.  Throw in injuries and suspensions to most of the best Defensive players... you better be ready to win games 51-47.

_____________________

Regarding The Cornerbacks

Joe Haden - 3rd Season/1st Round - 23 years old - 5-11/190 - (#23), Sheldon Brown - 11th Season/2nd Round - 33 years old - 5-10/200 - (#24), Dimitri Patterson - 6th Season/Undrafted - 29 years old - 5-10/200 - (#21), Buster Skrine - 2nd Season/5th Round - 23 years old - 5-9/185 - (#22), James Dockery - 2nd Season/Undrafted - 23 years old - 6-1/185 - (#31), Trevin Wade - Rookie/7th Round - 22 years old - 5-11/192 - (#26), Johnson Bademosi - Rookie/Undrafted - 21 years old - 6-1/200 - (#37), Emanuel Davis - Rookie/Undrafted - 23 years old - 5-10/195 - (#38), Antwuan Reed - Rookie/Undrafted - 22 years old - 5-10/190 - (#34)

Obviously, Haden is the gem of this squad, so naturally he needed to get himself suspended for 4 games.  Brown is/has been done, but they'll keep starting him since they like his veteran leadership.  With enough pass rush, he should be OK, but I doubt they get enough for that to be the case.

Patterson will probably be the 2nd starter in Haden's absence, and Skrine will get plenty of playing time.  After that, you've got a bunch of unproven young guys, 2 of which will make the team (probably Dockery and Wade).  Bademosi has good size and Davis has reportedly flashed some skills, but those guys are likely Practice Squad bound (at best).

In the end, should be decent once Haden gets back, but average at best.

_____________________

Regarding The Safeties

T. J. Ward - 3rd Season/2nd Round - 25 years old - 5-10/200 - (#43), Eric Hagg - 2nd Season/7th Round - 22 years old - 6-1/205 - (#27), Usama Young - 6th Season/3rd Round - 27 years old - 6-1/200 - (#28), Ray Ventrone - 7th Season/Undrafted - 29 years old - 5-10/200 - (#41), Tashaun Gipson - Rookie/Undrafted - 21 years old - 5-11/205 - (#39), David Sims - Rookie/Undrafted - 25 years old - 5-9/204 - (#36)

Coming off an injury that robbed him of a good portion of his 2nd season, Ward is somehow the gem of the Safety unit.  If healthy, I believe he is still a solid run defender that struggles against the pass.  Starting with him likely will be 2nd year player Eric Hagg, who was a 7th round pick last year that played a few games at the end of the season.

As bad as that sounds, Hagg has been making tons of plays in minicamps, OTA's, and Training Camp, so there might be some hope that he's a ruby in the Arctic.

Young was brought in last year to be the starter opposite Ward, and proceeded to do next to nothing.  At this juncture, he looks like a potential-free backup.

Ventrone will likely be the 4th Safety retained, only because he's a solid Special Teams player.  As a Safety, he lacks the physical attributes necessary to be overly effective.

The coaching staff has some hope for Gipson, but Sims is a small for a Safety (5'9, 204 lbs) and bounced around the league last year - the way he will probably do this year.

If Ward, lives up to his draft slot and Hagg shows himself a steal, then they should be fine.  But that's a HUGE if.

_____________________

Regarding The Linebackers

D'Qwell Jackson - 7th Season/2nd Round - 28 years old - 6-1/240 - (#52), Chris Gocong - 7th Season/3rd Round - 28 years old - 6-2/263 - (#51), Scott Fujita - 11th Season/5th Round - 33 years old - 6-5/250 - (#99), Kaluka Maiava - 4th Season/4th Round - 25 years old - 6-1/229 - (#56), James-Michael Johnson - Rookie/4th Round - 22 years old - 6-1/241 - (#50), Emmanuel Acho - Rookie/6th Round - 21 years old - 6-2/238 - (#59), JoJo Dickson - 2nd Season/Undrafted - 22 years old - 6-1/245 - (#42), L.J. Fort - Rookie/Undrafted - 22 years old - 6-1/230 - (#40), Benjamin Jacobs - 2nd Season/Undrafted - 24 years old - 6-4/243 - (#54), Craig Robertson - 2nd Season/Undrafted - 24 years old - 6-1/229 - (#47), Quinton Spears - 2nd Season/Undrafted - 24 years old - 6-4/234 - (#90)

I've heard it so many times that it wearies me:  Chris Gocong?  No big loss!

Sigh.

Let's ignore the fact that many (including myself) thought Gocong played some pretty damn good ball the last 5-6 games of last season when he moved to SSLB in place of injured Foo-Hee-tuh.  Instead, let's concentrate on what the starting LB corps is likely to be with Gocong on IR and the aforementioned Foo-Hee-tuh on suspension.

MLB - D'Qwell Jackson.  Fine.  He's good.  Not ideal, but still very effective and certainly above average.

OLB - Kaluka Maiava and James-Michael Johnson.

OK, let's be nice and opty (a new descriptive term for optimistic).  Kaluka was probably going to start the first few games anyway, and JMJ might be a nice find for a 4th round rookie.  Maybe, juuuuuust maybe, there isn't that big of a drop-off in starting quality.

What about the depth?

If you're starting Gocong-DQ-Fujita, your main backups are Kaluka and JMJ and probably 6th round rookie Emmanuel Acho.

Now, for at least the first 3 games, your main backups are Acho and some combination of undrafted JoJo Dickson, undrafted LJ Fort, undrafted Ben Jacobs, undrafted Craig Robertson, and undrafted Quinton Spears.  All undrafted.

To reiterate - coming into the NFL, 6th round rookie Acho was the only player of that group regarded highly enough to draft.

LB was probably the thinnest position on the team coming into Training Camp, and now it's like anorexic dental floss.

So if you want to maintain that Fujita and Gocong are no big loss, go ahead.  But the biggest problem isn't how this affects the starters, it's how it affects the depth.  And you will probably soon enough realize how big a deal that will be when opposing Offenses Run-and-Tight-End us to death in the 2nd half.

They don't need to do anything about it right this second, per se, but I think that Heckert might need to grudgingly open up the checkbook come the 2nd round of cuts and bring in a couple vets to act as desperately needed depth.

_____________________

Regarding The Defensive Tackles

Phillip Taylor - 2nd Season/1st Round - 24 years old - 6-3/335 - (#98), Ahtyba Rubin - 5th Season/6th Round - 25 years old - 6-2/330 - (#71), John Hughes - Rookie/3rd Round - 24 years old - 6-3/306 - (#93), Brian Schaefering - 5th Season/Undrafted - 28 years old - 6-4/295 - (#91), Scott Paxson - 7th Season/Undrafted - 29 years old - 6-4/290 - (#69), Billy Winn - Rookie/6th Round - 23 years old - 6-3/296 - (#79), Brian Sanford - 3rd Season/Undrafted - 24 years old - 6-2/280 - (#70), Kiante Tripp - Rookie/Undrafted - 24 years old - 6-6/276 - (#67)

Continuing a disturbing trend of having each Defensive unit missing its top guys, Taylor is out until midseason with a pectoral tear and Rubin has been sidelined with a reported groin injury.  Filling in for them are supposedly over-drafted John Hughes and journeyman Schaefering, who should never be confused with a starting-quality D-Lineman.

Winn has been said to show quickness, but in reality should probably be getting limited reps.  Paxson is Just Another Guy, whereas Sanford and Tripp will fight it out for the honor of "Warm Body For The Roster Until Taylor Gets Off The PUP".

What looked like a promising a deep unit after the draft now looks just as mediocre as the others.

_____________________

Regarding The Defensive Ends

Jabaal Sheard - 2nd Season/2nd Round - 23 years old - 6-2/255 - (#97), Frostee Rucker - 7th Season/3rd Round - 28 years old - 6-3/280 - (#92), Juqua Parker - 12th Season/Undrafted - 34 years old - 6-2/250 - (#95), Marcus Benard - 4th Season/Undrafted - 26 years old - 6-2/256 - (#58), Emmanuel Stephens - 3rd Season/Undrafted - 25 years old - 6-3/255 - (#96), Auston English - 2nd Season/Undrafted - 25 years old - 6-3/250 - (#94), William Green - Rookie/Undrafted - 22 years old - 6-3/250 - (#49)

Sheard is a stud.  I think he'll be even better this year than last, and he was coming on as a force by the end of 2011, so it should be safe to assume double-digit sacks from that gentleman.

After that...

Rucker is a FA pickup brought in to help shore up the run.  Too bad his pass rushing skills are nothing special.  Parker was brought in as a pass rush specialist.  Too bad his best years are behind him.

Marcus Benard is coming off almost killing himself on his bike on I-71, and we hope he can provide some of the pass rush that he brought a couple years ago, but that was a 3-4 not 4-3, and that was pre-smash.  Stephens played some last year and was ah-ight, but no one is staying up nights game planning against him.

English was a Preseason darling in 2011 that did little with his Regular Season chances, and Run William Run Green is likely just a camp body.

This unit is still one good pass rusher short of being consistently effective.

_____________________

Regarding Joe Haden

The debate about what is banned and whether or not it should be is immaterial; the NFL provides all the players a list and all you need to do is look at said list and say "My pro football career will last a finite amount of time, I need to make sure I don't use any of these things for the next 5-10 years, then I can go crazy and blow all my dough on hookers and bath salts."

But let's ignore how stupid it is to get caught using any of the multiple league-mandated banned substances.

What losing Haden means is that the Browns are in danger of being without any of their last 3 years top picks come opening day.  What losing Haden means is that Sheldon freakin' Brown is your #1 CB.  What losing Haden means is that the Defense you field against the explosive Eagles will be without said Haden, Phil Taylor, Chris Gocong, and Scott Fujita - 4 starters (no matter what you think of them).

All of these guys (minus Gocong) will return at some point in the season, but if the Defense is as bad as I think it will be, then it very well may not matter by then.

_____________________

Regarding Trent Richardson

Getting floating particles cleared out of your knee is pretty normal procedure (I guess).  So have no more worries than usual about whether or not Trent Richardson will return to make an impact on the Regular Season.

He just might not make as big an impact in the first few games as you'd think.

Regardless, this isn't a huge deal.  It gives the Browns a big chance to evaluate the new-and-improved Montario Hardesty, and I actually think he'll do fine, hopefully presenting Shurmur with the pleasant quandary of getting two good RB's enough touches.

Then again, Hardesty could somehow contract Ebola, Jackson could join the Mormon church and go on mission, Ogbannaya could become a Conscientious Objector, and we'll be starting Adonis Thomas by Week 4.

_____________________

Regarding Brandon Weeden Starting

This week, the Browns announced that Brandon Weeden would be the starting QB this season.

Expert Analysis:  No shit.

After the announcement, Colt McCoy felt gypped and pined "I have not taken any snaps with the first group.  I thought coming in it would be a competition."

Expert Analysis:  Wah.

Dude, you had to be stupid opty not to see this coming.

I will say, however, that I have amended my earlier feeling that the Browns should dump Colt because he didn't bring enough to the table to justify his divisive presence.  I think he's shown recently that he's higher quality than Seneca Wallace and probably will accept his demotion magnanimously and provide a better level of backup.

If we can only cut out the tongues of the Colt Fan-Boys, it would be an ideal situation.

Now, Colt could still "demand" a trade and make it easy on all involved.  He better play his ass off, though, if any teams are going to perceive value enough to make a trade.  I doubt the Browns will outright release him at this point.

_____________________

Regarding Norma Wettlaufer

My grandmother passed since my last article.  Seeing as she was nearly 90 and had been suffering from Alzheimer's/dementia for quite some time, this was not unexpected.  And I had been extremely lucky to be almost 40 and still have 3 grandparents and a step-grandparent still alive.

Regardless, she's a member of a rapidly disappearing WWII generation that lived in as epic a time in history as anyone on the planet that has/had great tales to tell, and it saddens me to imagine her as she was once, young and full of life.

Rest in peace.