Written by Jesse Lamovsky

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Browns fans, like some women out there, have a bad habit of falling in love with the wrong guy. More often than not, that guy is a quarterback. Charlie Frye and Brady Quinn each had cult followings in Cleveland. Neither had impressive skill-sets and neither made any kind of positive impact on the field, but that didn’t stop a sizable portion of the fan base from anointing them as saviors of the franchise- and bitterly pointing fingers at everyone else when those saviors turned out to be all-too-fallible.

The latest object of affection is Colt McCoy. The little guy from Texas wasn’t a premium draft pick- he went late in the third round, not exactly a place where franchise quarterbacks are typically found- and doesn’t have the ideal tools a top-notch NFL passer is supposed to have. Other than a couple of flashes here and there he’s been unimpressive, completing 58.4 percent of his passes at a measly 6.3 yards per attempt with a 20-to-20 touchdown-to-interception ratio and a rating of 74.5. McCoy’s record as a starter is 6-15, including 0-8 against the AFC North.

Given his lack of measureable talent and his lack of success, McCoy projects to be either a career backup or a soon-to-be high school coach in Pharr, Texas. But don’t tell that to the legions whose hearts go pitter-patter at the mention of his name and would be perfectly happy to ignite yet another quarterback controversy on his behalf. Why such an ordinary player inspires such devotion is beyond me- he isn’t even a local boy like Frye or Quinn- but the devotion is out there, all right.

Indeed, it’s easy to pick out members of McCoy’s Amen corner by the language they use. Certain words always come up in their conversation. I’ve picked out a few of those words and expanded on them in this helpful glossary. Here goes:

Backup: What McCoy will presumably be in the event the Browns retain him. McCoy’s devotees are quick in their assurances that McCoy would make a “great backup” namely because he’s younger, cheaper and has more upside than Seneca Wallace. (It’s a little amusing to hear the same fans who flay Larry Dolan for not carrying a $200 million payroll call for McCoy over Wallace in part because he has a cheaper contract by a million-and-a-half per year- chump change for a team as far under the cap as the Browns.)

The reality is that we don’t know what kind of backup McCoy would be. Nor do we know how willing he is to be a backup. I can go on about McCoy’s lack of talent, but he’s still young and has started in the league. He probably feels he’s capable of starting somewhere- or at least getting a chance to start- and it would be tough to blame him for feeling that way. I’m not sure McCoy would be happy to caddy for Brandon Weeden, and I’m very sure the media and fans (not to mention McCoy’s family) would be all too happy to stoke a controversy for as long as he’s here.  

I just don’t see the upside of hanging on to McCoy. He is a dime-a-dozen player in terms of tools. You could get a guy just like him on the second or third day of any draft. And regardless of whose fault it is (the media, his family, whoever) McCoy seems perpetually surrounded by drama. At best you’re getting a decent backup; at worst you’re getting a high-maintenance headache at what should be a low-maintenance position.

By the way, isn’t calling a guy a “great backup” just a nice way of saying he’s a “shitty starter?”

Brees: As in Drew, the inevitable comparison to McCoy. Both are undersized for their positions, both grew up in the state of Texas and both played marginal football their first few years in the NFL. Criticism of McCoy invariably leads to the rejoinder, “Drew Brees wasn’t very good his first few years, either!” Of course, there are plenty of quarterbacks who started their careers badly and never got better, but there you have it.

Fair: As in, a fair shot to be the starter in 2012, which is what McCoy wanted. “Fair” is a big buzzword when it comes to McCoy, who has a way of arousing sympathy in people. Things always have to be fair to Colt. Monterio Hardesty, who was coming off an ACL tear last season, doesn’t arouse the same tugs at the heartstring:

Fan after Richardson was drafted: NOW WE CAN GET RID OF MONTERIO SOFTESTY!!! CUT HIS A$$ AND KEEP THAT OBIE GUY!!!

Fan after Weeden was drafted: I feel bad for Colt :(  

Sometimes I get the feeling that there are two different leagues- one for everyone else and another for McCoy. For everyone else it’s a man’s league; get the job done or we’ll ship your ass out and find someone else. For Colt it’s Little League, where it’s all about being “fair” and not bruising his delicate feelings, results be damned. Maybe Coach Shurmur should take Colt to Dairy Queen after every game for a Dilly Bar while we’re at it.

Intangibles: Supposedly McCoy has them in spades: leadership, moxie, work ethic, intelligence, etc.  

Of course, the inconvenient thing about “intangibles” is that they’re, well, not tangible. So there’s no way of knowing if McCoy really has all of these intangibles. If we’re not in that locker room, how can we really know if he’s a great teammate or a great leader? At one time or another Charlie Frye, Brady Quinn and Peyton Hillis were thought to be the Ultimate Teammates as well.

Intangibles are fine and good, but you don’t want them to be the best qualities of a quarterback. Let’s, let’s just put it this way: when the first thing they mention in terms of attributes is that you’re a “great kid,” that doesn’t bode well for your NFL career. With some quarterbacks “great kid” is down on the list behind “cannon of an arm,” “superior athleticism, “great mobility,” etc. McCoy on the other hand is all intangibles.   

Likeable: That’s what McCoy (supposedly) is. Even those skeptics regarding his ability invariably add the caveat don’t get me wrong, I really like the kid. The most banal boilerplate brings it out:

McCoy: We’re working hard, trying to get better each and every week.

Fans: Sigh. How could you not like this kid?

I’m not sure what makes McCoy so likeable to so many fans on a personal level. He comes off to me as a little bit whiny, a little bit spoiled and a little bit passive-aggressive, frankly. He has a bad habit of airing out his grievances to the press. Can you imagine a guy like, say, Johnny Unitas coming out and complaining to a writer that a coach was mean to him in practice?

None of that would matter if he could play. It doesn’t really matter how likeable any of these guys are. They’re not my neighbors, they’re not feeding my cat while I’m out of town, they’re not sitting in the next cubicle and they’re not dating my female relatives. If an athlete is likeable, that’s great. But he has to be able to perform first.    

Kid (The): Although he’s married, going on his third NFL season and will be 26 when the season gets underway, McCoy is habitually referred to as “the kid” as in: the kid took a beating last season or the kid showed a lot of heart or the kid deserves another chance. Not even the late Gary Carter, whose actual nickname was “The Kid,” was called “the kid” as often as McCoy.

Part of it is that, with his baby face and soft, wavering voice, McCoy still looks and sounds like a kid. (He bears an unfortunate resemblance to former “Malcolm in the Middle” star Frankie Muniz.) Part of it is a need on the part of some to infantilize McCoy, the better to paint him as the hapless victim of a paper-thin supporting cast, unfriendly backup, clueless coach, and duplicitous front office.

Mentor: What Seneca Wallace openly wasn’t last year, earning the permanent enmity of a segment of Browns fans. If Colt is Cinderella, Seneca is definitely the ugly stepsister(s), at least in the minds of fans. Seneca was only repeating something his guardian angel had already said more than once- it isn’t the backup’s job to play big brother to the starter. No matter- he won’t help Colt! He’s me-first! Get rid of him!

(There is a massive double standard in terms of the way fans perceive Seneca as opposed to the way they perceive Colt. Seneca makes one remark about not playing mentor to McCoy- a remark that, again, has been backed to the hilt by Mike Holmgren- and he’s a “cancer.” McCoy repeatedly complains to the press about his treatment by the organization, yet he’s the “ultimate team player.” Alrighty, then.)

Browns fans get hung up to a certain extent on quarterback “mentorship,” probably remembering Gary Danielson’s big-brother approach to Bernie. Remember when Ken Dorsey was being sold as Derek Anderson’s and Brady Quinn’s “mentor?” This team has four supposed quarterback gurus in the building- Holmgren, Childress, Shurmur and Whipple. Why should wet-nursing the starter be part of the backup’s job description as well?

I’m not going to the barricades in defense of Seneca Wallace, mind you. If it were me I’d jettison him and McCoy and go after Donovan McNabb as the backup. He’s a veteran, accomplished, has won a lot of games, is experienced in this system, can still probably win a game for you if need be; it just makes too much sense. He’s also a bit of a drama queen at times, but I’ll take the drama queen with 107 career wins as a starter over our two drama queens and their combined 12 career wins.   

Raw: Referring to the deal McCoy has supposedly gotten from the Browns. Because being handed a starting quarterback job in the NFL- one of 32 like it in the entire world- without having to compete for it is generally considered heinous treatment. I’d imagine there are a number of quarterbacks out there who would dearly love to get as “raw” a deal as McCoy got.

Think about it for a minute, all of you who think McCoy got a “raw deal.” McCoy has 21 starts in the National Football League- nearly a season-and-a-half’s worth. He never had to compete for the starting job in Cleveland. It was simply handed to him. Did he have to deal with talent deficiencies around him? Sure. But the teams with talent aren’t gifting starting quarterback jobs to undersized third-round rookies. They already have studs at the position.

It wasn’t an ideal situation. But it wasn’t a raw deal- it was a rare opportunity, one a lot of other guys would kill to get.

Weapons: What McCoy needs to become an adequate starter. The kid didn’t have any weapons. He needs more weapons. How many more weapons? I have a feeling it’s an infinite number. I have a feeling you could put the ’92 Cowboys offensive line, ’81 Chargers receiving corps and ’72 Dolphins backfield around McCoy and he’d still need “more weapons.”

I think it’s been so long since we’ve seen true franchise-level quarterback play in this town we’ve can forget that a good one raises the level of the guys around him. Obviously a great supporting cast helps, but you shouldn’t have to surround a quarterback with All-Pros just to make him serviceable.        

Winner: Colt McCoy is a winner- especially when he’s playing Kansas and Iowa State instead of an NFL schedule. McCoy was a winner, in college; as was pretty much every NFL quarterback outside of Jay Cutler.

Funny thing is, McCoy’s devotees are the biggest reason he should be shipped somewhere else. Even if he plays well this season Brandon Weeden will struggle at times- that’s just part of being a rookie quarterback. Things are going to be tough enough for Weeden without having to deal with a large portion of the fan base screaming for the backup every time he makes a mistake. McCoy may or not make a good backup, but he probably won’t be good enough to be worth the distraction his presence invites. It’s time to get away from the unrequited love, once and for all.