Written by Lars Hancock

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Earlier this week, in a display of sportsmanship unseen since third grade, tens of thousands of people upset that Barack Obama was re-elected petitioned to have their states leave the union. 81,000 signatures were in my home state of Texas, which has a legitimate shot of actually seceding, with the odds of secession similar to those of a Pat Shurmur-coached team winning three games in a row. Should secession occur, some people suggest Chuck Norris would become the president of the new independent republic, but I have a better suggestion, one which would provide real hope and change we can all believe in: Lars Hancock for King of Texas.

Wait, “King” of Texas? That sounds un-American, and isn’t the alleged point of the secessionist movement across the nation to return to the founding principles of America, or at least how people choose to interpret said? But if we do secede from the union, basically what we are saying is that America doesn’t work as constructed constitutionally, and we need to tweak it in such a way that prevents a big government from destroying the American dream and creating the pseudo-socialist system Obama is clearly trying to construct. The representative democracy model created by our founding fathers has failed, the election of leaders based on the will of the people is clearly unacceptable, and it is time to go to a model with a longer track record of proven success. To this end, I propose the official return to a system that delivered proven results for over 600 years in Europe – Feudalism.

In a very real sense, America has become a Feudal society anyway. As we are rejecting the representative democratic model because it can produce unpopular results, the only way to ensure consistent and capable leadership that doesn’t threaten big-government socialism and its subsequent societal destruction is to admit this, and formalize the Feudal structure as an actual legitimate law of the land. In the American interpretation of Feudalism the Lords are corporate chieftains instead of landowners, the vassals are those duly appointed to oversee the operations of said corporations, and fiefs are the departments of the corporations that de-facto run our society. Gone is the notion of nobility by birth, in America, nobility is earned through accomplishment, and occasionally lost by failure, ensuring in a corporate world that the best and brightest do indeed rise to the top to become our lords. So why not make them the actual rulers of society instead of some dim ill-credentialed politicos who don’t understand how the gears of American Feudalism grind? Is not this the true “American dream” of a meritocracy?

Let’s be honest – American Feudalism is very real. The lords of corporate America provide all the goods and services their serfs need. To those serfs who are not protected by a lord, life is dangerous and unpredictable, and the struggle to merely survive is a daily battle. The only way to ensure your safety and survival is to commit to serfdom to a lord, or in our modern interpretation, get a job. In a system where said lords provide our food, beer, cable TV, and iPhones, we need to have a system to protect those lords from having their fiefs destroyed and therefore having the serfs of a said fief come in harm’s way. Government interference and taxation are the Huns and Vandals of the day, and by creating a governmental system that maturely admits how our society is actually ruled is the best and only way of protecting the system. Corporate Feudalism is the answer Texas, and America at large!

Now in medieval times, early kings were selected among the lords generally as the least and lightest of the bunch so as not to deliver too much authority to those who were already powerful. In an American Feudal interpretation, this means small business owners need to create the rules of society. Note that this was the exact construction of the major issue of the 2012 campaign! Protecting the rights of small businesses creates jobs and sponsors a healthier America, and in that sense, making them the kings of our modern society.

As the smallest of small business owners myself, I’m clearly the least threatening lord in the kingdom of Texas. This, coupled with the awesome vision I’ve only partially described here, makes me the perfect candidate for the King of the new Feudal Republic of Texas. And when I am King of Texas and deliver real prosperity by removing government intervention from corporate Texas, providing protection and prosperity for all the serfs of the kingdom, other states will certainly secede into our system. And soon enough, all of America will be able to truly live the American dream when King Lars I re-unites the Feudal States of America into one profitable and prosperous nation once again.

America failed to elect me as their president, but that failure only precipitated the true revolution that was necessary to ensure our continued success as the greatest nation on the planet. Like the 2012 Browns, there is real talent in this country, but we need to get rid of the ruling Holmgrens and Shurmurs (i.e. Republicans and Democrats) and put a new system in place. Failures of the present fuel the transformation that drives a stronger future. Fire Shurmur, elect Lars King. Change we can all believe in!

Anyway, off to the questions.

Ribeye, Sirloin, T-bone, Porterhouse, or strip steak? (and what order of favor). How about a recommendation on a rub & marinade or two? Yes, medium rare.  -pod

Ah steak. Steak is the definition of luxury, and a model of simple beauty and perfection. Steak delivers haute cuisine with simple preparation – the best chefs are those who let the steak be the steak and don’t ruin it by trying too hard to mess with the perfection that is a well-marbled dry aged medium rare prime steak. And that is the key to deliciousness: quality. Fancy rubs and marinates are used to hide the inequities of lesser grades of meat, where a well-aged prime steak needs nothing but salt and pepper (maybe finishing with a pinch of truffle salt if you want to turn it into something more akin to pornography than a meal). Marinates tend to boil the meat, which should be an arrestable crime. Just stick to salt and pepper when making your steak and appreciate its natural beauty.

Note that some of the above cuts are essentially the same thing. A t-bone is just a porterhouse without much of a filet mignon, and a strip steak is the flavorful half of the t-bone or porterhouse, usually sans bone. Among these, you could argue that since the filet is the least flavorful cut of meat, the strip should be considered the most flavorful, followed by the t-bone and then the porterhouse. But that doesn’t pass any sanity test, does it? Who would want a t-bone over a big ol’ porterhouse? And how awesome is it to eat a 48 ounce porterhouse, alternating between the rich flavors of the strip and the tender suppleness of the filet? The bone itself is the answer here, providing flavor to both cuts of meat in a self-basting manner. No, the true order of finish here is Porterhouse, t-bone, then strip.

Sirloin clearly falls behind these steaks in both texture and flavor, often lacking the requisite marbling for true steak flavor. This is why sirloin is often ground into hamburger – doing such to a strip would be a crime against humanity. As a side note, here is how you make the best hamburgers ever: select about a pound of good looking strip steak, and select about two pounds of short ribs, and ask the butcher at your local Piggly Wiggly to grind them together for you. Yes, you can ask them to do this, and the combination of the fatty deliciousness of ground short rib and the hearty flavor of a sirloin makes a burger which is mind-blowingly good. You literally can taste the difference. Mix with liberal amounts of salt and pepper, and cook medium rare, and thank me by electing me king. Seriously, did Chuck Norris ever give you a good hamburger recipe?

This brings us to the most controversial steak: ribeye. Note the ribeye is a subset of the über-luxurious prime rib roast, a tender super flavorful melt in your mouth chunk of flesh that brings the happy. With loads of well distributed fat, a ribeye is always good, and harder to screw up. It has a wonderful soft texture, and full flavor, which lead most to consider it the best cut on the market. For me, however, if you cook a strip perfectly medium rare, the firmer texture and lesser fat of that steak makes it a more elegant and flavorful cut, and a more pleasurable meal.

Final ranking: porterhouse, t-bone, strip, ribeye, sirloin. Salt and pepper, medium rare.

Any truth to the rumor 3 Iranian Special Forces Kill Teams were lying in wait around the Benghazi compound so as to ambush us if we sent help for the Ambassador? -pods uncle

Iranian special forces teams are like Alabama football. They’re considered the best of their division, although they are really overrated, and they are led by a short evil megalomaniac (is it any wonder they call Nick Saban the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of the NCAA?). And though people like to ask the question as to whether the Tide could beat the worst NFL team, the fact is the best of the best of the Alabama roster may have an outside chance of being rank and file on an NFL team. As such, even if the Marines that would have been sent in to rescue the Ambassador were the Kansas City Chiefs of the Marines, they would have thoroughly routed the Iranian special forces, ambush or otherwise, because the USMC is the NFL of world fighting forces. Sure, in the Big Middle East, with Iraq, Qatar, Afghanistan, Syria, and Jordan in their conference,  they can win a lot of conference games. But they could never move up in class.

Not being king yet, I unfortunately don’t have access to that sort of classified intelligence, and even if I was king, I couldn’t divulge it. Personally, I wish we had sent in the Marines and saved the lives of the brave men over there, and if we had to bitchslap some Iranian special forces in the process in a statement game, hey all the more good.

Thinking of starting my own small business.  A neighborhood shuttle service to the Cleveland entertainment scene, mainly focusing on the Casino and the sports teams.  The Indians and Cavs seem most appropriate. 

 

Take a moderate sized limo bus (like used for a wedding party) and pick up customers at a central location.  Drive them to the casino or the specific event while providing them some beverages (including beer) and some sort of snacks (pre-packaged I'd have to assume). Pick them up at a specified time and return them to the original pick up point.  Charge the appropriate fee for a round trip (make a 1 way ticket available).  IMO it is a simple idea, requiring very little in terms of a facility and equipment.  Biggest expense would be the bus, after that continuing fuel costs with some maintenance.  Fill the bus with 15-20 people per ride should produce minimum $300 with proper price schedule, no?  Long term goal to schedule at least 2-3 trips a day. -Mr. Out of work b/c of Obama.

This is a pretty good idea, but I think your biggest problem is going to be state liquor laws. Whereas a party bus can be a mobile drunk tank because they don’t provide the beer being consumed inside of it, you will be selling beer to your passengers and therefore need to be licensed to do such. And the state may not take too kindly to giving a liquor license to a motorized vehicle (note under king Lars such nonsense would not be an issue).

Now you could tweak the concept to be alcohol free, but what’s the fun in that? You may as well take a cab or the RTA, and heck, last I checked the RTA isn’t exactly “alcohol free”. You could provide the beer, but nobody is going to insure a business that provides unlimited free alcohol to its patrons – there is too much stupid in this world and too much risk when the stupid drinks. No, for this to work, you need to provide booze, and would need to modify your bus to have a bartender there to responsibly distribute it, and get cash for it.

So let’s assume you can get the liquor license (which you can’t, but let’s assume you can). Insurance becomes your next obstacle. You have people walking around inside a bus screaming up 77 at 65 MPH, some of which are employees. Yikes! The liability coverage there is going to be astronomical, and you’re going to need it – you’re an overly aggressive braking job away from financial ruin as sixteen drunks sue you for whiplash. I’m thinking $5,000 a month crazy. And worth every penny if you embark on this.

Finishing the cost side, you need your driver and bartender. Make no mistake about it – you need a bartender. This person prevents underage drinking, prevents the overserving of guests, and serves as bouncer in case the drunks get belligerent with each other. Plus they add revenue to you by selling booze. A good driver and good bartender/bouncer should cost you about $8K a month fully loaded.

With fuel costing $30 a trip easily, you’re looking at another $4,000 in expenses per month (2 round trips M-F, 3 on weekends), and then add about $1000 per month in depreciation, $5K in onthly marketing expenses, and another $2,000 in miscellaneous stuff. This means overall you need about $25K a month in revenue to break even. Can you do that?

For pricing, you can get about $20 a person on average, considering you’re going to have to drop the price on the weekdays. That’s a heck of a deal, considering the gas and parking you’d have to pay if you went (although a carload can distribute that cost). Figure each person contributes $5 of profit from booze sales as well. Average ridership would be about 15 people, meaning you get $375 cash per trip x 32 trips per week x 4 weeks per month = $48,000 per month. Or about $23K profit a month, at nearly 50% margin on sales.

But you’ll never get a liquor license until you elect me king.

 

Please email questions to lars.hancock@yahoo.com, tweet them @ReasonsImADrunk, or DM them to me in the forae to LarsHancock. And remember to voice your support for Lars for King of Texas.