Written by Lars Hancock

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Yesterday was Thanksgiving, which is a uniquely American holiday to celebrate the excess of life that being American has afforded us. Being we are blessed in a land of freedom and plentiful resources, we take a day to be thankful for such and eat 10,000 calories, or the equivalent of a full month’s worth of nourishment in a third world country, in a single meal. And why the fuck not, right? We’ve worked hard as a nation to make our country awesome, so let’s be gluttonous for a day in celebration of said fact. Put aside decorum and diets, today is the day to do the Icky Shuffle in the face of impoverished nations everywhere. We’re going for two with a huge lead, only because we can’t go for three.

In the Hancock household we had a 13 pound bird, about five gallons of fresh cornbread stuffing complete with a full pound of Jimmy Dean sausage in it, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, about a quart of homemade gravy, green beans, and a healthy salad for those on a diet, all for seven adults and five small kids. That doesn’t count the appetizers, the five bottles of wine consumed, or the four pies made especially for the occasion. So with a belly full of excess, I sit and think of all I am thankful for, especially as a Cleveland sports fan. What’s that, you say? Yes, I know Cleveland Sports fanhood is the Haiti of Thanksgiving celebrations, but even amidst our bowl of fly-covered rice, there are reasons to be thankful. And here they are:

1. Pat Shurmur will be fired at the end of the season. Three things are certain in this world: death, taxes, and that Pat Shurmur will be unemployed on or before January 5, 2013. Note that you can delay death and taxes if you do the appropriate things, but no matter what happens between now and 1/5/13 Shurmur cannot save his job. So really that is the only thing that is assured in life, and doesn’t that make you thankful? Does for me. Shurmur’s clueless ineptitude is done, and we can look forward to a 2013 with a less clueless coach. Maybe even optimism for a winning season under the right guidance? Or playoffs? Playoffs?!!? Anything is possible as we have hope in an undefined future far away from the weekly Shurmuring.
2. Anderson Varejao. Varejao is the type of player you want to root for. Always hustling, seems to be having fun out there, tough scrappy non-elitist attitude, and he’s got some magnificent hair. The future of the Cavs, and the heart of the franchise is Kyrie Irving, who is a good, humble, likeable kid in his own right, but ask any fan who their favorite player is and 99.9% will say Andy. Because how can you not love him? He’s playing out of his mind this year, and is easily one of the 20 best players in the NBA so far this season. Enjoy him, and be thankful he is ours.
3. Craft beer. Let’s be honest. Things aren’t really going our way in 2012. The Cavs, Browns, and Indians have found nearly every landmine in their respective fields, and even the Buckeyes’ awesomeness is tempered by the fact that the NCAA has ruled it is meaningless because some players had the audacity to sell their own property. But you know what is always there for us in our time of need? Beer. Beer in America has recently become an art form, less about mass-produced brain-numbing swill and more about good quality nourishment in a bottle that would make even a food snob like Geoffrey Zakarian complimentary of the flavor balance, while numbing your brain in the process. Every week I go to the local Kwik-E-Mart and Apu has a new special beer for me. A beer I never tasted that I MUST HAVE RIGHT NOW! And rarely do they disappoint. Beer is good, enjoy it in moderation, or not. Just enjoy it.
4. Romeo Crennell. Because of the loveable nitwit’s ineptitude in coaching, the Kansas City Chiefs are the laughing stock of the NFL. There is a team worse than us in every way, and Romeo is the major source of said suckitude. When people talk of the Browns, it’s about the same way they used to talk about me when I was married to my ex-wife – they have so much potential, and even though they are miserable now, I see them up and coming next year as long as they (wink nudge) make the right changes. Because someone else is the butt of the jokes, we can be the next big thing. Thanks, Romeo!
5. Pigs. Most. Delicious. Animal. Ever.
6. Terry Francona. Do I honestly think Francona can turn the Indians around? Not in the slightest. But if anyone can, I think it is Tito. And so do a lot of other people. If Larry Dolan thinks that as well, he may just say this whole Shapiro/Antonetti thing isn’t quite working out, which is as obvious as the whole Titanic thing not working out. Another 70 win season and we get the regime change this franchise needs. And I’m always thankful for hope.
7. TheClevelandFan.com. Seriously, without this place we’d need to get our Cleveland sports information from the Plain Dealer. Egad! The Browns, Indians, and Cavs all manipulate their PD beat writers into producing favorable non-objective tripe about their respective failures of franchises. War journalistic integrity! Not this place. Thank you internet for re-establishing true professionalism in journalism (this column notably excluded, of course).
8. Children. My children are a pain in the ass. There are three of them, so one is always bitching about something and they always require things like “attention” and “food” and other things that require me to get away from my TV and computer, and stop watching sports, and enjoy life. And you know what? My teams suck, and I can much more easily and painlessly read about the loss in the boxscore, delivering the pain and depression instantly as opposed to torturously over a three-hour time period. Yeah, it sucks when they come in the room and pretend to root openly for the team playing “Cleveland” or “Ohio” at the given moment, but by in large, participating in their lives is far greater than watching some athletes fail to please me. Thank you for the constant reminders of a greater purpose. And finally, 
9. America. We settle our political differences at the polls, and not with bloodshed. We can practice whatever faith we choose to, without fear of government repression or execution. We afford our women equal protection, by law, of their rights as humans, including the right to life, education, work, and to wear whatever clothes they choose. We have plenty of food, and when we don’t, there are numerous resources available to help us eat and survive. Clean running water, electricity, and cable TV is the baseline. We have the best equipped, best trained, and most awesome military so nobody is even tempted to mess with us. And we have football, glorious football, to remind us how awesome we are as a country on the last Thursday of the last full week of November as we gorge ourselves into a tryptophan coma and fuel our bodies to kick some punk’s ass who would dare take the 50% off flatscreen TV tomorrow. That’s my TV, bitch.

Anyway, off to the questions.

Ok, now that you are King you need to raise revenues.  Since you are creating everything from scratch you have the opportunity to re-envision the tax system for the Republic of Texas.  Would you have a flat income tax, a traditional income tax or a sales tax?  Would you get Herman-esque and go for a 9-9-9?  Or maybe something completely out of the box?  And what about capital gains?  What would you do King?  -Sabre

For those who didn’t read it, last week, I announced my candidacy for King of Texas should the state secede. And already the questions are coming in on how I would govern.I guess I have to be prepared with a plan and stuff should this happen. Stupid details…

Anyway, on your question, as I will be adopting a corporate feudal system, I will rely on corporations to provide the bulk of services and therefore extract their “taxes” as a normal cut of profits. Most services will be provided by for-profit organizations, including roads, police, and fire. Think about how awesome that would be. You could arrange a contract with a police force of your choosing, based on your risk tolerance, for a fixed fee. Service level agreements would be in place – 911 response times, overall crime rates, etc. would all be in the contract. Most services could be delivered this way.

The problem would be that legislative and judicial services would necessarily be provided by the kingdom, and as such would need to be funded by such. And so I would need to raise funds. I think the fair way is the old tithe program – each fiefdom is taxed 10% of their sales to run the government. That’s it. I would then need to make do with my limited government on 10% of the sales of my kingdom.

Let’s check the math here. In 2011 Texas had a Gross State product of 1.3trillion dollars, so I’d need to run the government on a scant 133 billion dollars. In the same time period, Texas state tax revenue was $40 billion. So I’m collecting 3x what was previously used to run the government at a far less burdensome rate to corporations and individuals. We will use this money to reinvest in small businesses in Texas, and also to wage war and to annex Oklahoma, because fuck Oklahoma.

Last week almost pushed me over the edge in finding the 3,756th way to lose a Brown's game. Passing out white flags? Although appropriate as moscratch said, an absolute embarrassment as 12,000 steeler fans invade our stadium to drink our beer and pillage our town. I really am struggling right now.......can I actually endure getting beat at home by Charlie Batch?.....Charlie Batch for Christ's sake. He makes Weeden look......young.

I need a survival strategy to avoid total meltdown if we lose to these flamers again.-pod2

The Steelers’ offensive line is pretty offensive now. OSHA recently cited them for an unsafe work environment for how badly they protect their quarterbacks, and with the geriatric Charlie Beyatch under center, the Browns should have about 34 sacks on Sunday.

Ah, but not so fast my friend. These are the Browns, and losing has become a part of life. Losing is a disease, as contagious as polio. Losing is a disease, as contagious as syphilis. Losing is a disease, as contagious as bubonic plague. Attacking one, but infecting all. Pat Shurmur is the Outbreak monkey of losing. His touch, his rabid bite, his mere presence spreads losing, not instantly, but certainly.

On a pure talent level, especially considering Beyatch is the QB in Pittsburgh, the Browns should win. For once we are literally better at almost every position (especially if Troy  Polamalu doesn’t play and Joe Haden does) but the coaching deficiency is so sharp that I just can’t get my hopes up on this one. It will certainly be a low, but I want to think of this impending loss as hitting rock bottom. This will be the end of a long losing streak, as the Lerner and Holmgren/Shurmur eras are ending. The sins of the past are swept away with this one.

Win or lose this game doesn’t matter. Sure, it is a rivalry game against our hated opponent, and I want not only to win but to humiliate them. But with Shithead Shurmur at the helm, the plane is more likely to hit the side of a mountain than to find the correct landing strip. This is not our team of the future, this is an embarrassing remnant from the past. This is fifth grade you pissing yourself on the playground. It’s junior high you going to the blackboard with a boner. It’s college you hooking up with a fat chick in the bar on dollar Jagerbomb night. Don’t let the past define the future. Endure one more humiliating loss, and know that 2013 will be better.

Please email questions to lars.hancock@yahoo.com, tweet them @ReasonsImADrunk, or DM them to me in the forae to LarsHancock.