Written by Lars Hancock

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If you believe the Mayans, today is the last day the earth will exist.

The chances of this happening, of course, are pretty slim. Then again, the chance of the world ending exists every day, so it could definitely happen. AT ANY MOMENT! Asteroids, supervolcanoes, alien invasions, polar shifts, radioactive giant lizards… all are real dangers that could crop up at any given moment and destroy our lovely planet. One moment you’re enjoying a grande half caf skinny soy latte while reading Out of Bounds, and the next thing you know, the Hadron Supercollider has created a tiny speck of black hole that instantly crushes the entire earth into a billiard ball. Poof. Which you deserve for drinking that stupid coffee drink. What’s wrong with “large black coffee”? Twit.

Should the earth be destroyed later today, I’ll definitely miss the old lady. Sure, there’s a lot of bad shit going around these days. The horrific tragedy in Connecticut of last week shows fundamental problems in our society, largely because it is not as rare of an event as you would expect, but more because of the callous and depraved shedding of almost every standard of human decency. Our country is spiraling downward under a massive and worsening debt burden to which no politician even pretends to have a solution. And worst of all, every Cleveland team remains a rebuilding project with unclear expectations of success other than “not soon”, if ever. Even with all that, I will argue the world is a wonderful place full of hope, if only you look for it.

First of all, though, a little aside on the Newton tragedy of last week. As if the event wasn’t sickening enough, the reaction to it was seriously disappointing. Anti-gun zealots took it as an opportunity to stump, religious nutjobs took it as an opportunity to tell the world that God hates us for our actions, and atheists took it as an opportunity to debase and debunk faith, largely in response to the former. What ever happened to decency? Why can’t we just shut our mouths for a few days, or forever, and give thoughts and genuine prayers to the victims, instead of using their blood to grease the gears of our individual causes? Dignity often insists that you shut your mouth and open your ears and hearts to the victims.

And of the causes being stumped, everybody was wrong. This isn’t about gun control, although certainly the issue needs to be addressed on a national stage to make the cowards who perpetrate such actions less likely to do such. The real issue here is about how we handle mental illness. We can’t just round up everyone who is slightly mentally off and lock them up, and we can’t force treatment on adults either. When in doubt, we as a society must respect the free will of our citizens, and it is much better that we risk even a tragedy as horrific as what we witnessed over creating a society where we hoard the undesirables into concentration camps. What we really need is better ways of supporting those in society that have fallen out of the mainstream due to their mental issues – show them love, find ways to heal them, and bring them back into the fold, and that’s really hard to do. It is incumbent upon all of us to see people who are falling out of society, those being bullied or harassed, and those who have mental problems, and extend the olive branch to them. Once you leave society, you lose respect for its rules and the seeds of hate germinate and flourish like mushrooms in your darkness. The government can’t fix this, only we can.

This isn’t about God punishing us for our sinful ways either. Simply put, that’s not the way it works in any of the major faiths, and those who espouse that belief do their religions, and religion as a whole, a great disservice spewing their hateful ignorance. This isn’t about God being some kind of mean-spirited jerk that enjoys doing this to the world either, as atheists would offer. This actually has nothing to do with God, because it has everything to do with man and our free will. Regardless of whether you believe in a higher power or not, you must understand that man has the free will to decide for ourselves our own destinies, and that is the fundamental argument that debunks both theories above. Men are fallible, but we live in a world where we have been given the free will to screw up as we like, and the free will to work together as a society to prevent screw ups. And that freedom of choice is a most wonderful gift to us.

Back to topic, that freedom that our country gives us, and that free will man possesses, THAT is exactly why this world is a wonderful place. The everyday decisions we make – do I sleep in and get to work late today, do I get double bacon on my burger for lunch, do I get to my expense reports or play Angry Birds – they may seem onerous, but in fact each and every one of them is a wonderful affirmation of our freedom to decide our own destiny. The more complex your life may be, the more burdensome it may seem, the more in control of life in general you become (even if it seems like the opposite is true). Life is one big game where choices lead you down different paths and toward new destinies, and it is fun, marvelous, and exciting.

Here’s hoping the Mayans were wrong, and just in case they weren’t, I’m going to open one of my nicest bottles of wine tonight, if only to celebrate life itself. As the great philosophers Rush offered, I will choose the path that’s clear, I will choose free will.

Have a Merry Christmas all (or joyous whatever you may celebrate or not celebrate). Remember this holiday season to reach out to those in need, those put off by society, and especially those hurting from their losses.

Anyway, off to the questions.

Lars, Would it not make sense just to fit all Cavs with facemasks in the preseason? Thanks!-pod

I always thought it would be awesome if a professional sports team had a masked man on it from “Parts Unknown” wearing a Lucha Libre – type mask. It would make an awesome story – here’s this guy making millions to play a game, while retaining his anonymity in society free from the prying eyes of reporters and paparazzi. Mr. Basketball or The Flying Dunkman or something like that would be an awesome name for him, and how intimidating not to see the eyes of your opponent?

And what if said masked player were really a heel? Imagine Ndamukong Suh as a masked defensive lineman, with Iron-Shiek like boots he would load up behind the ref’s back before kicking his opponents in the nuts. That would make for some great football! Professional sports could learn a lot from wrestling.

As for the Cavs, it’s pretty telling that all of them, essentially, have a broken face. If I was on the team and someone broke Kyrie’s face, let me tell you I wouldn’t be around to finish the game. You elbow my star, I’m clotheslining yours as he drives to the hoop. I was thrown out of multiple D league intramural games in college enforcing in such a way. With the NHL on strike, there are plenty of goons looking for quality work. Imagine Kyrie takes a hard foul and then Tie Domi or Bob Probert comes to the scorer’s table to check in. You’d certainly need a few less of those masks, wouldn’t you?

Aside from Anderson Varejao, the Cavs are a soft team. Maybe if everyone had a mask they would be more willing to mix it up and fight a little harder. This team shouldn’t be 5-21 – it’s bad, but not epic disaster bad. Tristan Thompson, you’ve got a mask on, why not get in there and scrap a little like a modern Rick Mahorn? You have no offense, so focus exclusively on rebounding and defense, and let everyone know you’re not to be messed with. Ty Zeller, same for you – make them want to punch you like Bill Laimbeer used to. Again, you’ve got a mask on, who cares? The two of you step up your game Lucha Libre Irving won’t need his mask and the Cavs will be a better team, or at least a team others won’t look forward to playing so readily.

The wife and I were talking about doing a shellfish recipe for Christmas. I seem to recall you talking about making a lobster pasta for your anniversary in one of your columns. Care to part with the recipe? If not, can you give me something with shrimp or lobster (or clams or muscles if you insist)? Thanks man...God bless and merry Christmas. -Special Agent Brett

If you’re going to do it, do it right with a lobster. You need to get a live lobster, because most of the good flavor is in the head and shell that does not come with a tail, plus, freezing seafood permanently alters its texture to the worse. About an hour before you eat, you need to rip the head off the live lobster with your bare hands, and then remove the claws from the head. Seriously – take it and like you’re wringing out a towel twist and rip off the head – it is a very manly thing to do plus it humanely kills the lobster instantly. You can even role play mob enforcer with the hapless shellfish “Vinnie da Fish is disappointed in your disloyalty”. Make sure you save all the juice that runs out – don’t leave any evidence for the feds!

The head section is then thrown into a large pot of boiling salted water where you will extract the goodness from it for about 45 minutes to an hour. This will make some lobster stock, which is important for flavoring the pasta. You will then remove the head and any thing that is floating around in the pot with a spider (not that type CDT), leaving any roe which may be there which you want to keep for color and flavor. Boil the pasta in this stock – I suggest a linguini (fresh will soak up more of the flavor) or pappardelle, removing it about a minute before it is done.

Meanwhile, take the claws and roast them in the oven at 500 degrees for 8-10 minutes. They won’t be done, but the meat will be firm enough to extract from the shell and finish in the sauce. While roasting, split the tails with a knife and remove the meat and cut into large chunks (you can roast this for a minute or two in the oven if you want to remove it easier as well). Remove the meat from the claws and then toss the whole lot into a pan with a generous amount of butter and a few chiffinoded sage leaves, cooking for maybe two minutes so as not to get it tough – you’ll know when it is done. Add a splash of the pasta water at the end to create a silky sauce, or a touch of heavy cream if you’re feeling decadent. Toss the pasta into the pan with the sauce, and cook the pasta that last minute in the sauce.

Finish with a pinch of truffle salt and/or a handful of grated Italian parsley, and a few turns of pepper.

The new Howie Mandel gimmick on NBC. You taking it all no matter what? Or does taking it all on that show simply provide a glimpse into the reason for the downfall of the American Way? –pup

They have made a game show out of the classic prisoner’s dilemma, which is a philosophic model for the decisions we make in life every day. In the prisoner’s dilemma logic problem, you have two prisoners you know have committed a crime together. You interrogate them separately, and if one rats the other, but the other does not talk, the ratter walks and the ratted gets 10 years. If neither rats, both get three years, and if both rat, both get five years. Clearly the best scenario is that they work together and both get three years, but in every situation, regardless of what the other guy does, it strictly benefits you to rat him out, as your punishment is always less if you rat.

Mandel’s show is exactly this. For those unfamiliar, there is a bunch of crap people can win and in the end you have two people competing. Each has a valuable prize, but each is offered the option of taking all the prizes, leaving the other with nothing, or keeping just their own prize. If both elect to take all the prizes, neither gets anything. Similar to the prisoner’s dilemma, both contestants are best off if they just take their own prize and walk away happy, but each individual contestant is strictly better off taking all the prizes.

This dilemma is fundamental to how a polite society works. Working together as a group, sharing resources, and making sacrifices for the whole improve life for everyone, even if it means the individual does not get rewarded as richly as they could. If everyone works  together, however, you could look out for yourself and achieve great richness and power on the back of the largesse of society. You are strictly better off, materialistically, looking out for yourself than participating in the good of the collective.

How much better off are you really though? In the original prisoner’s dilemma, you’re free where your friend is imprisoned. In Mandel’s game, you have a bunch of stuff that you stole from another person, and they go home sad and emptyhanded. And in society you have some great toys that nobody else can afford that you can rub in your friends’ faces, while you allow people to starve and be isolated. Is that really better off?

Stuff is stuff, but morality and right is eternal. Keep what you have, and if your opponent steals it from you, wish them well and move on with your life knowing you did the right thing. Then get home, forego the fancy car, and make a monthly commitment to a charity of your choice with the money you saved buying a practical car instead.

Whats the best way to prepare wild rabbit? –govbarney

Rabbit is very lean, but it takes to braising very nicely, as it can be a little tough naturally. Braising will render the meat tender and flaky, and allow you a vehicle to surround the natural delicious flavor with your own creativity and a delicious sauce to boot.

First and foremost you must sear the rabbit chunks to get the Malliard reaction going, which is the key to tastiness. Salt and pepper the meat and put in a hot pan in some sort of fat (bacon grease is excellent here as the rabbit is lean, and, bacon!). Toss in diced aromatics at this point – onion, carrot, celery, fennel bulb, and/or garlic – whatever suits your fancy and palette, and cook until the rabbit is nicely browned. Add a splash of sherry to the pan to introduce sweetness and to get the brown bits off the bottom of the pan, and then add a stock – mushroom stock would be brilliant, but vegetable or beef stock is nice. Cook for an hour or so and you have a tender and delicious dish that can be tossed over pasta or rice or which will stand on its own. Note you can add a tablespoon of flour before adding the sherry if you want a thicker sauce at the end, making sure to brown it slightly but not burn it.

Rabbit is delicious, and despite being cute, they are horrible rodents which can destroy a yard and/or garden. So kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit, and braise him when done.

What do you see as the destiny of our human civilization? I'm looking more from a societal standpoint, and a governing standpoint and am going to say we assume we do not blow ourselves to bits to the point of extinction. I leave the assumption of global population numbers up to you. Do you see civilization as it gets presented in sci-fi at times, or as a one world government with restrictive societal controls, or as us somehow sending exploratory groups to set up camp on another planet? –FUDU

There is a fundamental dichotomy with people that makes our future patently unclear. On one hand, we all crave freedom, and on the other hand, we are irresponsible with our freedoms. We fall trap to the prisoner’s dilemma, choosing immediate gratification over long-term societal health, which dangerously undermines our future. We all want to thrive, and have the freedom to do such, while wanting everyone else to work as a collective behind us. We want democracy when choice serves our personal interests, and socialism when it doesn’t. We like to make our own decisions, but rather feel more comfortable abdicating to others when that gets too hard.

The world at large is constantly in flux balancing the pursuit of individual freedom against the concept of a stable society. What usually happens is cyclical – societies get built, societies collapse, despots rise from the ashes, despots are overthrown to give the people power, lather, rinse, repeat. Given this, I don’t think there is an ultimate destination for the world. I think that 1000 years from now the map of the world and national boundaries will have changed many times over, there will be many global conflicts as the result of collapsing and reforming societies, and in the end, man will be man. We are a fallible yet wonderful species, and the struggle to figure everything out, to balance our lives vs. the collective, and to choose good vs. evil, will be just as present in the future as it is today.

Our destiny is ourselves. What we are is our destiny, and I don’t see that changing, even if the structure around us continues to evolve. The world as we know it won’t end, even if it becomes less recognizable over time, and more recognizable too.

Please email questions to lars.hancock@yahoo.com, tweet them @ReasonsImADrunk, or DM them to me in the forae to LarsHancock.