It's been called "the funniest weekly column on the web" (alright, it was me that said it) ... and has become one of our more popular columns.  It's Moot Points.  This week Hiko hits on the most attractive animated stars in film history, Barry Bonds, the Browns first day draft picks, LeCharles Bentley, and overactive flatuence issues.  Enjoy.

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Animation Fascination

The other night, I lay sprawled upon my couch, watching a movie with my children, and I found one of the animated females in the film to be quite attractive.

Immediately, I pondered the psychology of attraction to an animated character. Probably something wrong with you, I thought. But what else is new?

And, of course, this inane observation led to a whole over-analysis of cartoon cuties in general. So, without further ado…

The 5 Most Attractive Animated Females Of All Time – Feature Films












5 – Little Bo Peep – Toy Story. You’ve gotta like a girl who’s aggressive, and Bo Peep’s got plenty of time to let her thoughts run wild whilst watching her sheep. “Why don't I get someone else to watch the sheep for me tonight?” Woody ain’t a fool.











4 – Akima – Titan A.E. Akima’s a badass, a smartass, and there’s something about those two locks of hair that fall in front of her face. Not many people saw this movie (unfortunately), but watch it and tell me I’m wrong. About Akima, that is.












3 - Motoko Kusanagi – Ghost In The Shell. Now, I realize that she is a cyborg, and she probably wouldn’t make the best girlfriend, but one cannot deny that she is somewhat pleasing to the eye.














2 – Eris – Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas. Not only is Eris a goddess, but she’s an evil, seductive goddess with a penchant for cutting herself. Of course, this flies in the face of my advice regarding crazy people, but I rarely listen to my own advice.














1 – Taarna – Heavy Metal. Taarna is not only a scantily clad (and often unclad) warrior that avenges a dead race, flies around on a bird-creature, and uses her sword to do her talking, she’s also… well, that’s about it. And we love her for it.

***It seems that everyone in the world has their thoughts about Barry Bonds and his chase for the home run record, and I believe I have a little bit of different take on it.

Barry Bonds is not on my fantasy team.

He also does not play for any teams that I care about, which are few to begin with.

Baseball makes way too big a deal out of itself and its records.

Barry Bonds is probably a cheater, but he is only one of countless other baseball players who used performance enhancing substances, so the integrity of the game and its records has already been horribly damaged. Bonds breaking the Home Run record will not make it worse.

Baseball is a great sport to watch if you’re at the park and you have a cold beer in your hands, at which point I am care free about whether every single last player on the field is juiced or not.

Hurry up and break the record, Barry, so I don’t have to hear about it any more.

***Browns Spew – 7/9/07

Much has been made about the potential for hold-outs amongst the Browns top draft picks. Speculation has it that Brady Quinn will be a hold-out due to his draft-day drop and the fact that he’s a QB. Speculation is also starting to rise that Joe Thomas might not be there at the first day of Training Camp either.

I love the way that the NFL has their whole financial situation set-up – except when it comes to draft picks. Greg Oden and Kevin Durant are already signed – and they were drafted 10 minutes ago. It would be lovely to see a set payment schedule for all NFL draft picks – say, a standard 4 year contract for 1^st and 2^nd rounders, and 3 years for subsequent rounds, with a 10% yearly salary increase from the previous draft – that would eliminate all the holdouts and gamesmanship.

It is undeniably damaging to a player’s short term career to be a holdout, and often that damage leaks over into their long term career as well. Not to mention that it annoys the crap out of me, and NFL players should live their lives to please me.

Mr. Quinn

Let’s say that Brady Quinn holds out. Well, that one’s pretty easy. He holds out, then the powers that be will most likely let it become a long one in an effort to not get screwed by the Evil Agent Tom Condon. Because if Quinn misses more than a day or two, the potentiality of him starting at QB for the season opener zips rapidly to nil.

So since either Derek Anderson or Charlie Frye (my money’s on Anderson) will be the starter, the Browns’ staff will make Quinn take the watch-and-learn approach that so many rookie QB’s get to enjoy. He may or may not play at all this season – that depends on how badly Anderson/Frye play. But since Quinn won’t be starting for a while regardless, there will be no rush to get him into camp, because he already lost his chance.

In other words – expect the Brady Quinn Signing Watch to last a long time.

Mr. Thomas

Usually, when a Left Tackle is selected at #3 overall, they are instantly penciled in as the starter at that position, and it becomes an imperative to get them into camp on time.

However, the Browns have been running the façade that Kevin Shaffer is still the starting LT, and the reason is, simply, that Joe Thomas has yet to sign any papers locking his soul in Cleveland for the next 5 or 6 years. The moment he does, Kevin Shaffer is no longer the starting LT.

Ah ha! Here be the catch: If that moment does not occur prior to the start of Training Camp, then the likelihood that Kevin Shaffer remains the starting LT – at least for a few games – increases. The whole thing is a bribe no one is quite buying – “Sign the contract, Joe, or you’ll be riding pine.”

And since Romeo Crennel LOVES rookie holdouts, he might even make Thomas actually ride it. Shaffer isn’t Joe Thomas, but he’s no slouch, and leaving him at LT would certainly solve the What-To-Do-With-Kevin-Shaffer mystery.

Of course, this is all just posturing, as we all know that Joe Thomas will be starting within a short order, and hopefully he’ll get his hefty hindquarters into camp in expeditious fashion, praise be to Allah.

The Offense

Joe Thomas will certainly play LT, and Eric Steinbach is entrenched at LG. The Center will most likely be Hank Fraley, unless LeCharles Bentley makes it back all completely miraculously healed, praise be to Allah. Then it gets murkier. Do you move Kevin Shaffer to RT? He played RT in Atlanta, but that was with a left-handed QB (making it the equivalent of a LT). So perhaps Ryan Tucker is still the best option at RT, and Shaffer is not known as a mauler that could play effectively at RG. And if Shaffer can play RT, do you move Tucker inside? Or do you just go with a Seth McKinney or an Isaac Sowells at Guard? It’ll be interesting how that side of the line plays out.

Regardless, it is undeniable that this is the best Offensive Line the Browns have had since their return from Oblivion, so Jamal Lewis should have every opportunity to increase his value for next year’s Free Agency. And I think he’ll be most triumphant. He has motivation, he’s healthier, and he dropped some of the extra poundage.

Hopefully – knock on wood – Braylon Edwards has had successful offseason surgery to remove his head from his ass, and he will start to resemble a player that was chosen at #3 overall. And if the bevy of talent at the other WR positions isn’t spectacular, it’s certainly serviceable. And we still have that guy at Tight End who’s a pretty decent pass catcher…

So it comes back to QB. That is our only real weakness on Offense. Praise Allah that it’s not a vital position.

LeCharles Bentley

He told Mary Kay Cabot that he plans on being at Training Camp and competing for the starting Center position, despite his 4 knee surgeries and bouts with the dreaded Infection de Staph.

I applaud him for making the effort, and I hope that he can succeed, but I must admit that I cannot retain much hope for him.

The inside of his knee probably resembles the cobwebs in my garage, and I have to assume that he will have lost a lot of his strength and pop. He might be able to regain that someday, but it probably won’t be this day, and I expect his effort to emerge as starting Center to result in a trip to the PUP list, and an eventual DL for yet another season.

My hopes are with you, LeCharles. You seem like a great guy and a class act. I’ve been proven wrong many times before – now it’s your turn.

***The following subject may or may not be perceived as juvenile and/or sophomoric. If you are allergic to such subjects, I suggest ceasing and desisting immediately.

However, I lead a very shallow existence, and since I haven’t spent my week nursing baby pandas or rock climbing in the Kalahari, I must speak about the issues which I actually face.

Since the dawn of time, I have had more than the average amount of flatulence.

It could be my affinity for hot sauce. I could be my love of the black bean. But nary a day goes by where I do not stare at my stomach and ask myself “What is your major malfunction?”

Many a cure has been suggested to me, such as Bean-O and Gas-Ex, but all fall prostrate and shivering before the enormity of my gastronomical warfare.

Now, my girlfriend does not mind the occasional passage of wind. But if I were to release my colonic gremlins as often as my body desired, which could be described as “constantly”, it would certainly lead to a reduction in both her tolerance and sexual desire. Each night, I wake up in the wee hours, my stomach aching for discharge. I make every effort to emancipate the internal bubbles silently, so as not to wake up my significant other with a veritable thunderclap. But this is highly unsatisfying, and the discord returns almost immediately.

So I arise from my warm bed and enter the bathroom, loosing the foul breeze in a steady stream that would rival The Godfather in duration. But by the time I return to my pillow, the balloon that is my stomach has already begun to re-inflate.

It is apparent to me that I have an issue.

Yet I am unthrilled with the prospect of visiting a doctor and describing my symptoms to him. It sounds so trite, and rather embarrassing.

(Of course, I seem to have no issue discussing it with a vast internet audience).

O, woe is me, in this, my time of discontent. However shall I endure?

***Remember, much of what I say is not truth, and that which is may or may not be greatly embellished.

***Several individuals have repeatedly advised me to not discuss my ex anymore in this forum. And I’ve tried – oh, how I’ve tried. It’s not like I want to talk about her. Even through the worst days of our divorce, I just kept humming “Girl, don’t go away mad. Girl, just go away.”

But even now, during the summer, and on a week when my girls are staying down in Columbus with my parents, she has managed to make me say:

WHAT the SPORK is wrong with you that you think that the whole world owes you whatever you damn well please? Are you channeling Princess Di? Watching too many Disney movies? Your sense of entitlement is vast and unexplainable.

Unfortunately, I’ve reached my end with your threats and vacillations.

See you in court, bitch.