It's Moot Points time here at TCF, and in this week's column Hiko takes the time machine back to 1983 ... the days of the Swatch Watch, the final episode of M.A.S.H., the Cold War, the George Brett pine tar incident, and "The Return of the Jedi".  Hiko also hits on photographing his junk, preseason football, and our Greatest Moments In Cleveland Sports History bracket in his recurring weekend column for us.

OR 

It's The End of The World As You Know It 

It was pointed out to me today that Bruce Matthews - a 2007 Hall of Fame inductee - was drafted 18 spots higher than Dan Marino in the 1983 Draft. 

Let's think about that for a moment.  The 1983 Draft. 

Bruce Matthews played at least 178 years - and yet I vividly recall his rookie season.  Not because of him, oh no.  I remember it because Dan Marino went ape shit in Miami, and set all kinds of rookie records, and went to the Superbowl in his second season, and made a nice soda commercial with Joe Montana.   

I was too young to remember the specifics.  But I vibrantly remember what it felt like to be alive at that time. 

I'm younger than every single one of the 2007 Hall of Fame inductees.  In fact, I'm younger than every single Hall of Fame inductee ever. 

For a fleeting moment, I feel young about that. 

But that won't last long. 

Let's see... what else happened in 1983?  Well, I can tell you without doubt that I waited in line for 3 hours to watch The Return of the Jedi.  I left the 4^th grade, and later entered the 5^th grade.  I had my first girlfriend.  I'm pretty sure that was the year I discovered the inexplicable marvel which is The Erection.  I tried smoking for the first time.  I invented a game called Hopper, which was a hybrid of Ball Tag and Midnight Ghost.   

I wrote a story called Death To 4B, a whimsical tale about the Grim Reaper casting a curse upon the 4^th grade class at my elementary school, and the grisly death of each and every one of the students thereafter, including yours truly, who fell off his grandfather's tractor into the attached thresher.   

The exact words - and I kid you not - were "His grandfather felt something warm and wet on his leg.  Looking down, he saw his grandson's severed face on his lap." 

Well, I'll be... I guess sometimes the warning signs ARE displayed in neon in our youth.  Who'd a thunk it? 

Moving along... who was born in this uninteresting year?  Well, Wikipedia listed tons, but I hadn't heard of 90% of the stupid sporkers.  I must not be keeping up on my pop culture, dammit.  I did recognize: 

January 2 - Kate Bosworth, American actress

January 7 - Natalie Gulbis, American Golf Player

February 3 - Hillary Scott, American pornographic actress

March 10 - Carrie Underwood, American singer

April 17 - Miguel Cabrera, Venezuelan Major League Baseball player

April 22 - Matt Jones, American football player

April 23 - Daniela Hantuchova, Slovakian tennis player

April 29 - Jay Cutler, American football player

May 11 - Matt Leinart, American football player

May 14 - Amber Tamblyn, American actress

May 18 - Vince Young, American football player

June 8 - Kim Clijsters, Belgian tennis player

June 10 - Leelee Sobieski, American actress

June 15 - Derek Anderson, American football player

July 21 - Kellen Winslow II, American football player

August 14 - Mila Kunis, Ukrainian-American actress

September 14 - Amy Winehouse, British singer

October 3 - Hiroki Suzuki, Japanese actor

October 5 - Nicky Hilton, American model and socialite

December 12 - Brad Smith, American football player

December 20 - Lucy Pinder, British model  

Well, since 1983 was such a great year to be born, who died that year? 

February 4 - Karen Carpenter, American singer (b. 1950)

February 25 - Tennessee Williams, American playwright (b. 1911)

April 4 - Gloria Swanson, American actress (b. 1897)

April 30 - McKinley "Muddy Waters" Morganfield, American musician (b. 1915)

May 31 - Jack Dempsey, American heavyweight champion boxer (b. 1895)

July 29 - David Niven, English actor (b. 1910)

August 17 - Ira Gershwin, American lyricist (b. 1896)

September 25 - King Léopold III of Belgium (b. 1901)

October 31 - George S. Halas, American football player and coach (b. 1895)

December 8 - Slim Pickens, American actor (b. 1919)

December 25 - Joan Miró, Catalan painter (b. 1893)

December 28 - Dennis Wilson, American musician (The Beach Boys) (drowned) (b. 1944) 

Anything else happen during this momentous year? 

January 2 - The musical Annie is performed for the last time after 2,377 shows at the Uris Theatre on Broadway, New York City..

January 8 - A riot breaks out at Sing Sing prison, New York.

January 19 - High ranking Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie is arrested in Bolivia.

January 22 - Björn Borg retires from tennis after winning 5 consecutive Wimbledon championships.

January 30 - The Washington Redskins defeat the Miami Dolphins 27-17 in Super Bowl XVII at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California.

January 31 - Seatbelt use for drivers and front seat passengers becomes mandatory in the United Kingdom.

February 2 - Giovanni Vigliotto goes on trial for multiple counts of bigamy involving 105 women.

February 6 - Klaus Barbie is officially charged with war crimes.

February 7 - Iran opens an invasion in the southeast of Iraq.

February 13 - U.S. President Ronald Reagan proclaims 1983 "The Year of the Bible".

February 24 - A special commission of the Congress of the United States releases a report critical of the practice of Japanese internment during World War II.

February 25 - United States playwright Tennessee Williams is found dead in his hotel room.

February 28 - M*A*S*H (TV series) ends after 11 years and 251 episodes on CBS. The series finale, Goodbye, Farewell and Amen, becomes the highest rated episode in TV history.

March 1 - The Irish band U2 releases its 3rd album War.

March 1 - Swatch introduces their first watches.

March 8 - U.S. President Ronald Reagan calls the Soviet Union an "evil empire."

March 23 - Strategic Defense Initiative: U.S. President Ronald Reagan makes his initial proposal to develop technology to intercept enemy missiles. The media dub this plan "Star Wars."

April 7 - STS-6: Space Shuttle Challenger astronauts Story Musgrave and Donald H. Peterson perform the first space shuttle spacewalk (duration: 4 hours, 10 minutes).

April 12 - The British film Gandhi wins 8 Oscars.

April 12 - Harold Washington is elected the first African American mayor of Chicago.

April 18 - The U.S Embassy is bombed in Beirut, killing 63 people.

April 25 - Manchester, Maine schoolgirl Samantha Smith is invited to visit the Soviet Union by its leader Yuri Andropov, after he read her letter in which she expressed fears about nuclear war.

May 17 - Lebanon, Israel, and the United States sign an agreement on Israeli withdrawal from Lebanon.

May 25 - Return of the Jedi opens in the United States. (Yeah, baby!)

June 9 - Conservative Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom since 1979, wins a landslide victory (42% of the popular vote) over Michael Foot, who led a highly-divided and weakened Labour Party which earned only 28% of the vote. The much improved economy (after 2-3 years of restructuring), her victory in the Falkands, as well as shrinking unemployment rates consolidates her election victory.

July 15 - The Nintendo Entertainment System goes on sale in Japan

July 17 - American television series CHiPs ends their original run.

July 20 - The government of Poland announces end of martial law and amnesty for political prisoners.

July 21 - Diana Ross stages a free concert in Central Park in front of 800,000 people, enduring the severe weather but vows to return the next day.

July 22 - Diana Ross and the crowds return for day two of the performer's legendary Central Park show.

July 24 - George Brett is expelled from a baseball game in Yankee Stadium, New York, after charging an umpire who called him out for having more pine tar on his bat than technically allowed.

July 25 - Metallica releases their debut album Kill 'Em All.

August 30 - STS-8: Space Shuttle Challenger carries Guion S. Bluford, the first African-American astronaut, into space.

September 1 - Cold War: Korean Air Flight 007 is shot down by a Soviet Union jet fighter when the commercial aircraft enters Soviet airspace. All 269 on board are killed.

September 5 - Tom Brokaw becomes lead anchor for NBC Nightly News.

September 6 - The Soviet Union admits to shooting down Korean Air Flight 007, stating that the pilots did not know it was a civilian aircraft when it violated Soviet airspace.

October 4 - Hooters opens up in Clearwater, Florida.

October 22 - In Bonn, West Germany, people demonstrate for nuclear disarmament.

October 23 - Simultaneous suicide truck-bombings destroy both the French and the United States Marine Corps barracks in Beirut, killing 241 US servicemen, 58 French paratroopers and 6 Lebanese civilians.

October 25 - United States troops invade Grenada at the behest of Eugenia Charles of Dominica, a member of the Organization of American States.

October 25 - Microsoft Word is first released.

October 27 - Pope John Paul II visits his would-be assassin Mehmet Ali Aðca in prison to forgive him.

October 30 - The first democratic elections in Argentina after 7 years of military rule are held.

November 2 - Martin Luther King Day: At the White House Rose Garden, U.S. President Ronald Reagan signs a bill creating a federal holiday on the third Monday of every January to honor American civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr.

November 3 - The Reverend Jesse Jackson announces his candidacy for the 1984 Democratic Party presidential nomination.

November 13 - The first United States cruise missiles arrive at Greenham Common Airbase in England amid protests from peace campaigners.

November 26 - Brinks Mat robbery: In London, 6,800 gold bars worth nearly UK£26 million are taken from the Brinks Mat vault at Heathrow Airport. Only a fraction of the gold is ever recovered, and only 2 men are convicted of the crime.

November 27 - A Colombian Boeing 747 crashes near Madrid, Spain killing 181 of the 192 on board.

December 10 - Military rule ends and democracy is restored in Argentina.

December 13 - The Denver Nuggets and the visiting Detroit Pistons combine for an NBA record 370 points, with Detroit winning in triple overtime, 186-184.

December 17 - A discotheque fire in Madrid, Spain, kills 83 people.

December 17 - A Provisional IRA car bomb kills 6 Christmas shoppers and injures 90 outside Harrods in London.

December 27 - A propane explosion in Buffalo, New York kills five firefighters and two civilians.

December 29 - The Reverend Jesse Jackson travels to Syria to secure the release of U.S. Navy Lieutenant Robert Goodman, who has been in Syrian captivity after being shot down over the country on a reconnaissance mission.

December 31 - Brunei gains independence from the United Kingdom.

December 31 - Two bombs explode in France. One on the Paris train kills 3 and injures 19. The other at Marseille station kills 2 and injures 34. 

Yes, yes, I remember most of that.  What a violent time.  Not at all like the peaceful days of today...  

It sometimes seems to me that the apologists of the present forget the past, as if violence were just invented, as if atrocities were a phenomenon of the 21^st Century alone.   

The truth is that the more we pretend we change, the more we stay the same.   

We're all monkeys, banging our sticks against rocks, hoping to make a loud enough noise to scare off the enemy. 

OOOO OOOO OOOO AAHH AAHH AAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

***The other morning, whilst my girlfriend, Elektra, was at work, I was feeling a bit randy.  So it seemed like a wise idea to take a picture of my anatomy with my cell phone and send it to her.   

Unfortunately, she found the incoming message on her phone somewhat surprising, so she showed everyone at work so they could see what a pervert her boyfriend was. 

Honestly, that didn't bother me.  It was a flattering pic (else I wouldn't have sent it), and it wouldn't be the first time that strangers have seen ol' Hiko naked.  There was the unfortunate Too Much Gin incident, where Hiko passed out incapacitated and sans clothing in the shower of the only bathroom at a party in LA.  And the mysterious Too Much Mad Dog incident, where Hiko woke up nude in a strange bed in a strange house with many strange people sleeping on furniture, floors, and - in one case - on the kitchen counter.  I had to tiptoe around the joint using a pillow as my cover, searching for my lost clothes, which were to be found in 3 different rooms, one of which contained 3 girls zonked out in the same bed. 

(I would like to think that I was involved in that situation somehow, but I'm a pessimist.) 

But Elektra's actions show a blatant disregard for intimate romantic law.  I would never do such a thing myself.  I once made an adult video of myself and my ex-wife, and no one's ever seen... oh, wait.  Damn. 

Regardless, there must be retribution for this misdeed.  Therefore, all my friends will receive Christmas cards from me this year starring Elektra's naked figure.  I'll even photoshop a Santa hat onto her head. 

This naughty little elf is wishing you Happy Holidays! 

It may cost me a week or two of lovin', ah, but the memories...  

***Wednesday night, I was faced with a dire dilemma:  Should I watch the Indians-Tigers game - a battle for 1^st place in the division - or a re-run of a preseason NFL game between the Bears and the Texans, two teams I care absolutely nothing about? 

This was a no-brainer. 

I have to see if Cedric Benson is worth a 1^st round pick in my fantasy league, don't I? 

***So, if you weren't already aware, our boy, Swerb, was on Bruce Drennan's All Bets Are Off on Tuesday.  My immediate thought was that he would spend his time pontificating about the proliferation of propitious, prosperous, prodigious, and proficient writers on his staff. 

Ah, ‘twas not to be.  Instead he discussed the Greatest Moment In Cleveland Sports History brackets, which I did not participate in, and for good reason, for my Greatest Sports Memories consist of: 

-The Time I Went To A Browns Game And They Lost

-The Indians Getting Snowed Out

-The Time I Went To A Browns Game And They Lost By Blowing A 14 Point Lead With Less Than A Minute Left In Regulation

-The Cavs Lose Their 50^th Game

-The Time I Went To A Browns Game And They Lost And My Girlfriend's Brother Dropped Her On Her Head And I Had To Rush Her To The Emergency Room. 

It's a wonder I'm not bitter. 

Watching Swerb, I became interested in the match-ups, so I decided to vote.  Some of them seemed like they might be difficult, so I took this approach:  If the match-up is between a Browns memory and a non-Browns memory, vote for the Browns. 

This may be unfair, but they're my votes on my memories, and I don't believe that I was aware that Cleveland even had other sports franchises until the early 90's. 

My early vote for champion:  Browns Return To Cleveland in 1999. 

Nothing more important has happened sports-wise in this town since our last NFL Championship, which I'm pretty sure occurred just after World War I.