Called "the funniest column on the web" (alright, it was me that called it that) ... "Moot Points" has been a standard here at The Cleveland Fan for going on over a year now.  In our weekly look inside the slightly demented mind of Hiko, we get his thoughts on the following topics: a supersized Jennifer Love-Hewitt, the unbearable jewelry commercials shown during football games, and all the controversy over the newly released film "The Golden Compass".  Enjoy.

OR 

Suckling Society's Sizeable Teat 

If you've watched any football this holiday season, then you too have been bombarded by jewelry commercials. 

The commercials are so foul - so annoying - that I hereby swear that I am never buying jewelry again. 

Whether it's those two trampy looking bimbos going gaga because their friend texted them that her boyfriend went to Jared ("Do you have a brother?"), or the cheesy couple looking for a Christmas tree and the dude put a little "present" under one of the trees ("Yes, this is the one."), or the stupid bastards high-fiving each other at the mall because they just spent a couple grand on pretty rocks to get their spoiled wives to sleep with them... they all make me gag. 

There's one spot that actually personifies my disdain towards my impression of the people portrayed in these ads.  It's not a jewelry commercial, but might as well be.  A guy wants to surprise his wife with a new Lexus, so he and their son stand outside the house and call her.  He tells her sorry that he got stuck late at work, so he won't be able to pick the son up from practice.  "But you promised!" whines the wife, obviously intensely busy sitting around on her prissy ass.  He once again conveys his apologies, and she basically hangs up on him.   

I'm a kept wife!, she thinks.  God forbid I have to do anything, especially when your only excuse is that you're working to afford my lifestyle!  

So she walks outside, and - viola! - there's a new Lexus for her.  Because she really really deserves it. 

I just don't get the concept of the housewife in this day and age.  Sure, some people feel it's really important that someone stays home with the kids when they're young, and I guess I can accept that (although I feel that kids need to go to Preschool at a certain point to develop social skills and avoid becoming sheltered spoiled brats).  But once they start school... GET A FRICKIN' JOB. 

Even right here in Canton, I am aghast at the sheer volume of worthless rich bitches walking around with a severely inflated sense of entitlement, their noses stuck so far in the air that they can smell China.  Lady, what do you do that makes you better than anyone else?  You scoff at those on Welfare, when that's exactly what you're on.  Basically, you could be replaced by almost anyone with tits and an ass.  A double-jointed 21 year old from Bulgaria, a fleshy robot, an attractive well-preserved corpse - they all can do your "job" just as easily as you. 

I don't care about the financial situation.  True, it's doubly horrible when the woman stays at home even though the family is struggling.  I've got a friend whose wife just refuses to work, even though both kids are in school and he's a social worker.  That drives me batty.  It makes me want to make her a battery acid sundae. 

But even if the husband brings home big bucks and there's absolutely no monetary need for the wife to have a job... HAVE A FRICKIN' PURPOSE.  Do something - anything.  And, no, going shopping and watching Oprah does not count as a job. 

Volunteer.  Go back to school.  Get a job at Pottery Barn or at Gucci.  Open your own boutique.  Surely there's something that interests you.  Have a goal - ‘cuz right now you're more useless than a Hooker or a Drug Dealer.   

At least they supply people with desired goods and services.   

***My fantasy football league is on Yahoo, so I go there a couple times a week.  On the Yahoo homepage, there's always a plethora of "news" which isn't news whatsoever, just the kind of trite tripe that one might find whilst watching E! or The Fashion Channel.  Still, I cannot not glimpse at the article titles.  They repulse me - yet I am drawn to that repulsion. 

So Yahoo announced to me that the inherently evil paparazzi recently snapped some photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt in a bikini where she looked fat.  If you have a housewife at home, she knows all about the story.  Ask her. 

I've always found Ms. Hewitt quite attractive, so I clicked on this article, curiosity getting the better of my self-respect.  Here is an example of what I found:



Understandably, Ms. Hewitt was outraged at the outpouring of criticism from the media calling her fat.  And I agree with her - if she wants to put on some pounds, that's her prerogative.  I can certainly identify - the cheeseburgers have wreaked havoc upon my midsection this summer as well.  There's no question that she's a bit beefier, and, in my shallow opinion, not as attractive as she once was, but who cares what I think?  She's engaged now, and as long as her future husband still has the hots for her, then pudge away, Jenny. 

To quote her:  "To all the girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini - put it on and stay strong."  Amen, sister.  Big girls are beautiful too.  Especially after that 2^nd shot of Cuervo. 

However, her vociferous defense of her figure included the proclamation "A Size 2 is not fat!" 

That's true.  It's not.   

But, Jenny, let's be honest - you ain't no Size 2.



***Also gracing the web pages of Yahoo.com was a story about the controversy surrounding the new movie The Golden Compass. 

I clicked on this one because I had had an interesting conversation the previous day.  I'd gone over to my daughter's friend's house to drop my daughter off for a sleepover.  I talked to her dad - let's call him Uriah - and he told me he'd taken his daughter to see The Golden Compass earlier that evening.  "I'm not a liberal - far from it," he told me.  "But I didn't really see what the big deal was.  I guess the guy is supposed to be an Atheist, but it didn't seem that bad to me." 

That was exceedingly generous, as we Atheists are very scary people.  Oooooooo!  The Atheists are coming!  Get the dog and the kids inside the house before they suck out their brains! 

However, I did not ask what the hell he was talking about, because, frankly, I didn't care.  I generally steer clear of religious debates, because they are about as fruitless as trying to piss in a Coke bottle while driving, so I just nodded and went on my merry way. 

Then I read the story about the controversy, which stems from the fact that the author of the books that spawned The Golden Compass is apparently an Atheist that has ideas that Conservative Christians deem "unsavory". 

I haven't seen the film, but evidently, in the book, there is a great big autocratic church entity which is trying to stamp out free will and what they deem "unsavory" ideas.  The heroes are fighting against this subversion.  Yep - sounds terrible.  Difficult to imagine a religious entity trying to silence beliefs that don't jive with their own.  Hard to conceive that perhaps a powerful special interests group might find it their duty to try and make everyone else think exactly like themselves.   

That's why it's shocking - shocking, I tell you! - that the Catholic League has called for a boycott to the movie and may stand outside your local theater to protest it. 

I really don't get these people.  There are many faiths in this world.  I've seen films made by Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, Agnostics, Christians, whatever that cult is that Tom Cruise belongs to... the list goes on and on.  Entertainment is entertainment.  If you are comfortable in your own beliefs, then other people's beliefs shouldn't offend you.  Sure, perhaps you can't fathom their point of view, but you are a fascist if you believe that a predetermined group isn't entitled to it. 

I saw the Chronicles of Narnia, and was highly aware of the Christian aspect of the film, but I didn't care:  I just enjoyed the movie as entertainment.  Some of the best films have highly pro-Christian undertones, and I have no problem with that.  If they're high-quality - they're high-quality.  If I like a film, I like it on its own merits, not if it were made by a Jew, a Christian, a Buddhist, or someone who worships Twinkies (like Jennifer Love Hewitt). 

My personal beliefs match many of the tenets of Christianity:  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Live a good life.  Work hard.  Play hard.  Love your friends and your family unconditionally.  Eat lots of sushi. 

Other than my belief that there is no higher power - I'm just like you. 

Sort of.