Written by Brian McPeek

---

Merry Christmas everyone!!!  From all of us at The Cleveland Fan, here's to a happy, safe, and joyous holiday to all of our readers out there.  I'm posting this at 1 AM, just after getting everything set up downstairs for my 2 1/2 year old boy, who is set to enjoy his first "Santa Christmas" tomorrow morning.  Special times indeed.  Brian McPeek checks in with a Christmas day piece for us, giving out virtual gifts to all our favorite Cleveland sports figures.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even the 10 week old kitten I picked up for my kids Friday from the Cleveland APL. The reason being it died at 3am Monday morning after a $175 trip to the emergency veterinary clinic in Mentor. 

Good times explaining that one. 

But it did put me in the frame of mind to write this piece. Even with the two new, healthy kittens I picked up from a shelter (out of guilt) hanging from the Christmas tree and scattering crap everywhere. 

Here are some last minute gift ideas for those shopping for Cleveland sports figures: 

Derek Anderson (Browns QB)- Bose Noise Reducing Headphones.

These things are great for reducing background noise DA. And there's a little bit of that everywhere you turn in this town right now. I'd argue against using them while dialed into any of the miserable sports-talk stations in the area, but load up the Ipod with some classical stuff or some Metallica and zone out for a few days. While we're exchanging gifts, I also picked you up a change-up. You should mix it in with that high heater you throw. Use it sparingly. Like on a screen pass or on a check-off toss to your backs and tight ends. We got one for Ken Dorsey a few years back and he never takes a snap without it. 

I was tempted to go with a water-pic, but that would have just been mean-spirited given that your water is about the only thing that wasn't picked this past week. 

Todd Grantham (Browns Defensive Coordinator)- A mean, snarling, slobbering, young, hungry defensive lineman. We like the progress you've made with the ‘D' this season Todd. We like the sudden depth in the secondary and the way you patched together a front seven that went from ‘embarrassing' to just ‘piss poor' over the course of the season. Think how much better that secondary and Kamerion Wimbley might be with some teeth up front. No more having to cover Hines Ward, Santonio Holmes, Chad Johnson and Todd Heap for 13-15 seconds. No more triple teams for Wimbley. It just might work. 

Romeo Crennel (Browns Head Coach)- Just a tie to celebrate the holidays and your regular season finale win over the 49ers. 

Indianapolis 23  Tennessee 23. 

Braylon Edwards (Browns Wide Receiver)- Focuset. From www.focuset.com:

Focuset, a groundbreaking natural supplement, is Doctor Approved & Recommended and supports mental enhancement:

• Improved concentration

• Improved ability to relax while staying alert

• Long-lasting energy boosts, without abrupt spikes or drops

 

You had a terrific season sir. More than deserving of your Pro Bowl selection. We're proud of you but we all believe you have more in you. And we all got together and decided we'd be fine with far more spikes than drops. 

Roger Clemens (New York Yankees)- A case of Dianabol and a season's supply of untraceably procured HgH (or a referral to Paul Byrd's dentist). What's that? You already have more than you know what to do with? Well that sucks. Not sure where a Major League ballplayer can get rid of crap like that. 

Paul Byrd (Cleveland Indians)- A speedy recovery from your dwarfism or clubfoot or whatever the hell your dentist was treating you for. 

Mark Shapiro (General Manager, Cleveland Indians)- For you sir, a 20^th anniversary edition DVD of ‘Platoon' starring Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger and Willem Dafoe. This about the only platoon I've seen work using ‘B'-list players. 

CC Sabathia (Cleveland Indians)- Nothing. You have it all already and you're about to get twice as much. Not since Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie did a guy with everything look for  more. And look how that turned out. Pitt now spends his days under a mosquito net in Zaire while awaiting Jolie's latest adoption to go through. Sometimes enough is enough. 

Jamey Carroll (Cleveland Indians)- A career year.

We both need this Jamey. You need it for the sake of this club and to be well received here in Cleveland and I need it because I was the only guy on this site not completely up in arms over your acquisition.  

Larry Hughes (Cleveland Cavaliers)- Hundreds of Berman Moving & Storage boxes.

You don't have to go home Larry. But you can't stay here. The Cav had to lower floor seat prices because of all the people maimed by your 14-foot jumpers. Slash your way off to a club looking for an expensive, 40 games per year player. And don't be squirreling away a bunch of Cav pre-tape and splints either. That stuff is ours. Feel free, however, to load up Donyell Marshall onto a car carrier and haul him off with you. 

LeBron James (Cleveland Cavaliers)- Just one decent point guard to run the show while you do what you do. A guy who can get the club into its offense, hit an open 15-foot jump shot and who can play just a hint of defense. That's it. Aside from a legitimate point guard I guess a hyper baric chamber would be next in line. You'll need an abundant supply of red blood cells come April when you're carrying and entire franchise on your shoulders for 45 minutes each night (again). 

The Ohio State Buckeyes- Preparedness and Retribution

No excuses on January 7^th gentlemen. There is no Heisman banquet circuit to distract you, there is no worrying about which Phoenix resort to stay in. This is business and this all about Ohio pride. No one 200 miles outside of Columbus gives you the credit or respect you're due. Go out and take it with 60 minutes of inspired, pad-cracking football in New Orleans.  

WKNR (Cleveland Sports Talk Radio Station)- A bucket and a mop.

Use them to scrub the decks clear of the local flotsam and jetsam that inhabit your airwaves at all hours other than from 6am to 10am and noon to 3pm every day. Seriously, Rizzo and Munch? With Kenny Roda and Greg Brinda in the wings? I'd rather listen to car alarms. This isn't Batavia or Mooseneck. This is a city with three (if you include the Cav) major league sports franchises and we're stuck listening to this trash. I have half a mind to give all Clevelanders a subscription to Sirius Satellite Radio just out of spite.  

TheClevelandFan.com- Continued growth in both visitors and in advertisers.

My emails indicate there are readers from all over the country and all over the world (including Thailand). My emails also indicate many of these respondents are longshoremen, dirty comics or sailors judging by their descriptive language. But regarding the site, what's not to like? Columns from writers who actually give a rat's ass and have a pulse, message boards that beat most ABC sit-coms in entertainment value and a site that keeps offering more and more to its readers. If you have a small business and want to reach tens of thousands of people, drop Swerb a line and get on board while the getting is good. Your money will be well spent and you'll be in the hands of a solid dude with integrity and honesty to spare. Did I get that right Swerb? 

The Cleveland Fans- To be blessed with just one championship in the very near future. And if we can't have that, give us a second helping of the patience and perseverance that keeps us coming back from the edge of the cliff every single day. Somebody somewhere owes us a little something.