Written by Mike Piper

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Absolutely classic stuff from The Lead Man in this week's column, and one of the funniest pieces I've posted to this site in our close to three years of existence. In this Friday's Lead Pipe Locks, the Lead Man manages to compare himself to iconic figures from past decades, provide our readers with his ten keys to "wedding Leadiquette" when planning or attending a wedding, and also gives us some pointspread winners for this weekend. It seems that nearly every decade brings us a figure so iconic that people want to pattern themselves after that person.

In the 50's it was James Dean. In the 60's it was the King himself, Elvis Presley. How about the 90's when Nike implored us to "Be like Mike," meaning, obviously, the great Michael Jordan.

Now imagine if there was a man who had all the positive attributes of those icons without any of their fatal flaws: a man who had the rebellious nature of Dean without the recklessness; a man with the charisma and moves of Elvis but without the drug usage and weight gain: a man who had the skills of Jordan but wasn't such a horrible and degenerate gambler that he would be forced from his NBA job and have his father murdered over it (allegedly). Well players, there is such a man - The Lead Man^TM.

Not a day passes without someone asking Lead for advice. And the advice they seek isn't always concerning an NFL total. Often it's about how to expertly negotiate this 80 year fiesta we call life. They want to know how the Lead Man became so beloved. They want to know how Lead got to the point where everyone wants to hang with him. How the Lead Man seems to smoothly operate in any crowd and how to say all the right things at all the right times, just like LP does. In essence people want to win in gambling and in life. They notice that Lead is a champion in both, and they hope he will show them the way, so they can do the same.

Players, it all starts with the name. Lead the noun and lead the verb are one in the same. And when the noun gets a chance to verb one would be wise to pay attention. This past weekend provided such as case. As many of you are aware, the Lead Man was in SEC country. The reason for his travels was to attend an event that most of us will be directly involved in a time or two in our lives (some of you more often), and an event you will attend on numerous occasions. Yes players, the Lead Man is talking about a wedding. What follows is a public service from Lead to those who look to capture some of the Lead Man's magic. Follow the Lead Man's rules and you'll avoid placing yourself in the dreaded 90%. If you hit the 90% you've relinquished even the slightest hope of ever being at the Lead Man's level.

So, if you wish to make your way to the window of life, following the Lead Man's "Wedding Leadiquette" is a good start.

1. The cake in the face- There are many things in life which are perceived to be funny but that in reality are not. Ellen DeGeneres, morning zoo radio shows and the guy behind you at every Tribe game that thinks he's the life of the Jake are three such examples. The cake-in-the face is another one. It's not funny. Nobody cares. Discreetly cut the cake in the corner and be done with it. If you think it's hilarious to spread cake on your wife's face just stick to being a straight guy because you aren't funny. Special side note; if this does happen at your wedding and your wife gets seriously mad, well, just save the months of misery and get the divorce now. It'll be easier before the kids arrive.
   
2. If you are the best man or maid of honor don't read the speech from a piece of paper. It never fails to amaze Lead that people need to write stuff down to say about their BEST FRIEND. Christ. Look, if you're really nervous say one line that has meaning behind it and be done with it. Trust Lead, people are not listening after the first 30 seconds anyway. They are in the process of planning a path to the bar that will not make them look rude. Short and sweet is Lead's recommendation.
   
3. Avoid the DJ who talks too much. It interrupts the flow. This just in, people want to drink, listen to good tunes and dance. They don't want to hear some dissertation every time the brides left elbow moves. Also, if you are scouting DJ's and you see one hop out on the dance floor to lead a line dance - move on.
   
4. If you are the parent who's kid is first out on the dance floor, you know, before half the guests are done eating, give him or her a minute or two and then get them the hell off the floor. What might be considered "cute" for 30 seconds is beyond annoying three hours later as the kid is rolling around on the floor interrupting people that can really dance. Trust Lead, after an hour or so people aren't referring to your kid as "cute" any more, they are muttering something along the lines of "What a miserable little prick."
   
5. Lose the bouquet and garter toss. Why? Chiefly, nobody cares. The next issue is it interrupts the flow, and worst of all is the fact your 12 year old niece is going to catch the bouquet while your 53 year old borderline pedophile Uncle Larry is going to catch the garter. Lead's seen this on more than one occasion. It creates an uncomfortable scene for your relatives and guests. Special note: This is an especially important rule if you are a bit older and have ignored rule number three of the Leadiquette. (Too talkative DJ) The jackass DJ you hired will be screaming for single ladies to hit the floor, and badgering them when they are hesitant. Since you are a little older and have fewer single friends, your wife's one single friend, who is pissed off at the world because she hasn't found ‘Mr. Right yet is going to be none too happy. This will inevitably be one of her friends that doesn't like you all that much anyway, so she'll bitch to your wife and you'll have to hear a recap of that droning somewhere down the line.
   
6. Don't bring your kids or, better yet, don't invite kids. This will eliminate # 4 and #5 of the Leadiquette right off the bat, which is nice. Not to mention the fact that, plain and simple, kids will ruin your time. Get a sitter and enjoy the night. You shouldn't have to worry about junior getting au jus on the new suit that you were forced to buy him. You know the one he won't fit into a month later. Also, it's never a good idea to have kids in a place where adults are hammered and acting the fool. A wedding reception and ensuing nonsense is no place for a kid.
   
7. The niceness of the atmosphere is trumped by anything that might make the guests physically uncomfortable. Lead was at a wedding two years ago in South Carolina. An outdoor wedding, in late June, in the south. Lead doesn't remember the ocean view. He doesn't remember the fresh salt air and he doesn't remember the sunshine - but he does remember one thing: HE WAS SWEATING HIS BALLS OFF. And so was everyone else. When the Lead Man gets "the pits" before he even gets a chance to showcase his moves on the dance floor, he's not happy. People would rather be in a simple, bland room and be comfortable than be uncomfortable at the Taj Mahal.
   
8. Under no circumstances should you bring your own wine into the reception. Look, deal with the house liquor. You aren't that important that you need special vino in order to function or, more likely, so you can look more sophisticated than anyone else there. Nobody cares about you - it's not your day. Go to the bar, get a drink, laugh at some jokes and maybe someone will like you instead of talking about you on the ride home as that "tool who needed to look distinguished."
   
9. Under no circumstances should you allow ‘The Dollar Dance'. Pimp out your wife on your own time, not LP's. Unless you think it's a good idea to stop the party for an hour and a half.
   
10. Don't put your guests through 'YMCA' or 'The Hokey Pokey'. And no, adding DJ props like Village People headgear isn't going to make it any more tolerable. By the way, go ahead and nix the "erotic train" while you're at it as well. People who want no part of the train are forced aboard by a pushy relative or a jagoff of a DJ and it leaves them with a bad attitude. Besides, nothing should EVER block the bar.

Look, at the end of the day people want good food, plenty to drink, and excellent tunes. Nothing else is required. Trust Lead again, they don't care what else is going on - they've seen it a hundred times. Hell, people aren't all that concerned there's a war currently going on, you think they care about your wedding all that much?

Each year the Lead Man's goal is to beat the 52.4% required to profit from the house. Perhaps if more Americans heeded the above advice from the Lead Man, the country's divorce rate would drop below that percentage as well.

A winning weekend from SEC country last week and The Lead Man is ready to string a few together. On to the picks:

This week is the toughest board of the year ILO. Last week we had seven total plays. This week there are only four games at press time in which the Lead Man sees value.  Two of them are below.

Let's open it up with a PAC 10 battle between fellow gambler Rick Neuheisel's UCLA Bruins and the Cal Bears. Cal is hosting this one at Memorial Stadium. Both of these teams are having trouble with their aerial attacks. Cal can't seem to find someone to step up and seize the QB position. Last week the mysterious Nate Longshore completed under 50% and also gave up a pick 6. Riley hasn't been much better. They are looking to split time this weekend and Lead subscribes to the theory that if you are using two QB's, you really don't have one. UCLA is suffering themselves with an erratic young QB in Kevin Craft.

Cal's big weapon, tailback Jahvid Best has some shoulder issues, and may not be 100% the rest of the year. Bottom line players, is while both teams are struggling, neither one should be favored by 17. That's too many points.

Take the Bruins and the 17 points.

The Atlanta Falcons travel to Philly to take on the Eagles Sunday. Philly has been decimated early by injuries to key players, but after waffle stomping the ‘Niners last week they appear ready to roll. The Falcons have a big match-up issue, with a rookie QB, on the road, against a team that has been terrorizing opposing QB's in the early going, having already recording 17 sacks.

Matt Ryan has been a pleasant surprise early, but he'll have trouble in this tilt at Lincoln Financial Field. Brian Westbrook has also has had two weeks of rest to get healthy, and to make matters worse the Falcons young defensive backs are going to have to tighten things up quickly. With the Eagles being a nine point favorite at press time it looks like a clear chalk wager.

Eagles -9.

Don't forget players, "The Pipeline," much like the Eagles, is back at full strength tonight, with a 10:30 kick-off. Lead himself, along with host Brian McPeek will discuss any game on the board, talk some post season baseball and wonder aloud if the Cleveland Browns will actually kill a player in the next few months. We'll also have the radio bonus selections. So tune in and listen to the magic.