Written by Michael Kramer

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We can make a difference.  We really can.  I swear it.

For the last week, I’ve gotten phone call after phone call and message after message about the upcoming election.  I don’t remember this ever happening before.  At least not like this year.  For some reason, all of the candidates in Tuesday’s election think they can get more votes by annoying the hell out of everyone.

I’m not telling you to vote democrat or republican; yes or no on this issue or that issue. I don’t really care.  Do what you want.  But the madness has to stop.  When some A-Hole thinks that he’s going to get my vote because of some message he left on my answering machine, well, that’s were I draw the line.  You just bothered me.  Now I’m involved.  Now I have a stake in this mess.

So here’s what I propose.  Keep a notepad next to the phone.  Every time one of these morons calls you, write their name down.  Come election time, go to the polls and vote for whoever called you the least amount of times.  Let these politicians know that we mean business.   We aren’t going to take it anymore.  If you call us, even one single time, it may cost you a vote come election day.  None of this crap makes any difference anyway, so just leave us the hell alone.

Yes we can.

That way we can focus on important stuff, like football.
 

An Awkward Glance Ahead at the Cavs

The Cavs looked great last week.  Except for the times when they didn’t.  Then they looked like crap.  After the season opening win against the Celtics, people where talking about 6th seed playoff runs and whatnot.  It was great.  We beat one of the premier teams in not only the Eastern conference, but the NBA.  A team that had taken it to the Miami Heat just one day prior.   

Who needs LeBron anyway?  We’re better off without him, ball hog that he is.  He was holding us back.  He’s like molasses to any functional offense, what with his incessant dribbling and stuff.  What we need is 5 guys who will pass the ball really fast to each other.  We are going to be SOOOO much better without that guy who stunts the growth of everyone around him.

That is until Anderson Varejao’s dad’s ticker needs some attention.  

Let me tell you, if you look as bad as the Cavs did against Toronto because you are missing Varejao and Mo Freakin’ Williams, you are a bad basketball team.  I know we don’t really want to let that guy in Miami “win”, but after one week of the season, it really looks like we need to lose as many games as possible and get back into the lottery.  Losing to Sacramento just confirms this.

The coming week features 3 more games.   

Tues 11/2 vs Atlanta Hawks

This isn’t a playoff game so that means Joe Johnson will show up.  He’s getting to the line this season like never before and the Hawks are looking great.  The Hawks have a good roster with Joe Johnson, Al Horford, Jamal Crawford, and Josh Smith.  If they were playing Miami on Monday night that would be one thing.  They are not.   

On Tuesday, two things will be accomplished.  We will be seeing an end to terrible campaign commercials, and the Cavs is be getting more ping pong balls.  This isn’t a bad thing.

Fri 11/5 at Philadelphia 76ers

Cancel your plans and set your alarms for Friday night.  The (currently) winless 76ers welcome the Cavs to the Wachovia Center for a grudge match.  This is a game that the Cavs could and should win, much to the chagrin of the ping pong balls.

Honestly, it’s probably better if the Cavs lose games this year, but try telling that to Joey Graham.  I think the Cavs pull this one out.  Hey, it’s not like you can lose EVERY game, right?  Besides, there’s only one team that’s paying a player of Elton Brand’s caliber $16 mil a year.

Also, let’s give a big Cleveland welcome to Jason Kapono.  As 'B-List' author Steve Buffum would say, “Hey!  We had one of those!”

Sat 11/6 at Washington Bullets…err…Magicians

Illusionists actually.  Magicians do tricks for money.  Or crack.

The success hasn’t shown up on the floor yet, but John Wall appears to be the real deal.  28 points vs the Hawks.  This is the kind of guy we’re hoping to tank the season to get.  I mean if tanking were something that happens in the NBA.  Which it isn’t, of course.

Remember when there was bad blood between the Cavs and the Illusionists?  It seems so precious now.  I can’t remember what all the hubbub was about.  I think it had something to do with pizza, I think.

An Awkward Glance Ahead at the Browns

After a bye week to get healthy, the Browns take the field next week against a New England team coming off a 10 point win against the Vikings. We have no idea if they are any good or not.

This matchup pits Hoodie Belichik against his former protégé turned nemesis Eric Mangini.  These things always turn out to be close.

I expect no difference this time, considering the Pats running back is comically named Benjarvus Green-Ellis.  That’s all the same guy. That’s his real name. And if you don’t like him you can hand the rock off to someone named Danny Woodhead.  Seriously.

Of course, there’s still that guy named Brady chucking the pigskin around, but don’t worry, we have Eric Wright and Sheldon Brown to take away any receiving threat.  I don’t see how we can possibly lose.

After all, Wes Welker is just a glorified Darrin Chiaverini, right?

An Awkward Glance Ahead at the Buckeyes

The Buckeyes take a much needed week off to get healthy on the defensive side of the ball.  They are beat the hell up right now.  When Brian Rolle went down for a series against Minnesota, it looked like Sweater Vest was going to have no choice but to burn Etienne Sabino’s redshirt.  I do have to wonder, however, how good can this guy be if he’s redshirting his junior year?

Thankfully, Rolle returned directly to wreak havoc in the Golden Gopher backfield.  Those guys are probably still having nightmares about him.  I know why they wore their yellow unis now.  It’s so nobody noticed  when they pissed their pants when the OSU D was getting after it.

Their next game will be against a Penn State team that is feeling pretty good about themselves after beating a Michigan team that , let’s face it, really kind of sucks.  But if that’s how they want to feel, more power to them.  We’ll see you in a week.

All the Bucks can do this week is get healthy and stay out of trouble.

An Awkward Look Ahead at the Tribe

It’s World Series Time.  As usual, this doesn’t involve the Tribe.  That doesn’t mean that there isn’t good baseball being played.

Last night, the Giants took a 3-1 lead over the Rangers on the strength of Madison Bumgarner’s 8 inning shutout.  I remember way back at the beginning of the season when there was some major gripping going on in the Bay area over Madison.  Madison, a once great prospect, had lost a few MPH off his fastball and was getting clobbered all over the filed like he was Rich Yett.  Nobody was sure what the hell was going on.

Fast forward to yesterday and the guy is untouchable.  This is exactly the type of thing that happens to the Tribe all of the time.  You know, after we’ve given up and traded the players somewhere else.

I don’t know what happened to Madison but I feel pretty confident that it has something to do with the face he makes when he pitches.  I could be wrong.  I don’t think I am.

With the Giants up 3-1 in the series, there could be anywhere between 1-3 more games.  No matter how many there are, I suggest you watch.  Great entertaining baseball is being played, and it may be for the last time.  Major League Baseball is taking steps to ensure that we never again have to endure a postseason without the Yankees AND the Red Sox so great matchups like this one may end up being the stuff of legend.

Next week we’ll get back to what the Tribe has to look forward to.

TV To Watch This Week

I scoured and scoured my DirecTv menu in order to find you guys something worthy to watch and I was successful.   

Barb Wire – Cinemax Thurday 11/4 8:10 AM

Set Your DVRs.  You’re in for a treat.  Staring Pamela Anderson Lee, or whatever she’s calling herself now-a-days, this is one of the worst movies ever made.  And, everyone should see it.

In ‘Sex, Drugs, and CoCo Puffs’, Chuck Klosterman makes a compelling case that Pamela Anderson is the Marilyn Monroe of the next generation.  I don’t know if that’s the case or not. It sounded reasonable at the time I was reading it.  Less so now.

What I do know, is that she is the star of a ridiculous “thriller” where she plays a character that goes by the name of “Barb Wire”  I think that’s what her name is.  It’s set in a not so distant future where Pamela Anderson’s boobs are still ginormous, and she uses them for good.   I don’t think she could have saved the world without them.

Them and  big stuffed swordfish, which is what she uses to impale the bad guy during the climactic scene.  That’s right.  They kill the bad guy with a big stuffed swordfish.   

I don’t see how anyone could not watch this.

It also stars Xander Berkeley, who once allowed Jack Bower to shoot him in the head to save the world.  Good guy that Xander.

Actor I Will Be Casting In My Movie When I Write It:

Diane Franklin

Diane gets a leading role in my awesome move based on her character ‘Karen’ in ‘The Last American Virgin.’  As far as I’m concerned, this is one of the defining movies of the 80’s, which is strange of me to say because I don’t think I saw it until the late 90’s.  However, I suggest you rent it ASAP, as it has one of the, if no “the, most astounding endings I’ve ever seen in a movie.  Up until the end it seems like your below average teen sex romp.   

But the end…whoa nelly.  When I saw it I couldn’t get over it.  I’m telling you.

But, back to Diane.  You probably don’t remember her from  TLAV.  You probably don’t remember her from Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure where she played one of the medieval babes.  You probably DO remember her from ‘Better Off Dead’ where she played French exchange student Monique with great aplomb.  

No matter what you remember her from she’s fantastic.  And , she’s in my movie.

Awesome Youtube Clip Of The Week:

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Anyone for a game of ping pong?