Written by Michael Kramer

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I write this as I ponder why after spending $260 a night at the Hyatt Grand Cypress in Orlando, I still wasn’t entitled to free wireless.  It isn’t the $10 bucks.  I can swing $10 bucks.  It’s the principle of the whole thing.  If I’m going to spend $10 bucks in a hotel room it’s going to be on…well, it isn’t going to be on wireless internet that comes free in the Motel 6 down the street. 

Because of the $10 internet debacle, and Malcolm Gladwell, I missed out on a lot of Cleveland sports news for most of last week.  You probably think I’m kidding, but I’m not.  It’s probably more Malcom Gladwell’s fault than anyone. 

 

 He was the keynote speaker at the annual meeting of the American College of Prothodontists.  If it wasn’t for him speaking, I’m not sure my wife would have been able to talk me into going. 

As it were, I chickened out twice last week.  The first time I chickened out is when we walked past Gladwell lounging by the pool with his computer and I didn’t have the guts to say anything.  He probably didn’t want to be bothered and I didn’t want to be “that guy.” 

The second time was after his address during the Q+A session.  I thought of taking the mic to ask a question.  All I really wanted to ask him is “when are you going to be on Simmon’s Podcast?”  I thought it might be funny, and I really wanted to know.  But I chickened out again.  I didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of 1,000 colleagues, all of whom are better than me at what I do.  I prefer to look like an idiot in much smaller groups of people. 

Now, I told you that story to tell you this one, even though they really don’t have much to do with each other.  But that’s a hell of a lot of typing to go back and erase now. 

On the way back to Cleveland, the flight was delayed due to all of the bad weather, rain, and whatnot.  When we were finally making our approach, it was very cloudy.  When the plane broke through the clouds, we were already very close to the ground.  At our lowest I swear it seemed like we were 100 feet off the ground, but I’m sure it was more than that.  Out my window we looked pretty damn close.  That’s when the pilot gunned it and headed straight back up in the air.

 Uh Oh

It sure felt, in those initial few seconds, that even though we were pointing up and the engines were screaming, we were still headed down.  The plane started to vibrate.  Then we took off like a bat out of hell straight back up. 

I doubt it’s a very rare thing to be on a plane that aborts a landing, but it’s a little disconcerting.  And it brings me to the Browns. 

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Browns

I wonder if Mike Holmgren is in the initial stages of an aborted landing.  I always had the impression that the plan was to take a year to set things up, get some players in, get good draft position, and then get Mangini out of the way.  After all, nobody could really expect to win with this roster.  Jake Delhomme throwing to Mohammed Massequoi and Brian Robiskie?  Are you kidding me?

Nobody could win with that.  At least, nobody could win enough that firing the coach wouldn’t be justified.  Holmgren could sleep soundly knowing he’d given Mangini a chance.  And, he’d have a year to set up the next guy for success, be it himself or Gruden or whoever.  It’s a good plan.  It would have been my plan anyway.

But then a funny thing happened.  The team started to play their collective tails off for Mangini.  The rookie QB looked like a legitimate NFL caliber QB.  Manginii completely outcoached last years Superbowl winner and the consensus best coach in the league in back to back games.

The Browns look like they could beat anybody right now.  Mangini looks like a coach that we’d be crazy to let go.  And the Browns are a team that might be able to contend sooner rather than later.

A month ago I could see the end of the runway were the ambulance is waiting for the plane to roll to a stop and blow up the big emergency slide so that Holmgren can throw Mangini off the plane.  Now, I hope he’s gunning the engines and taking back off so he can re-evaluate the plan.  Because we don’t need a new coach.  We need a new receiver. And a few other things.

That brings us to next weeks game against the New York Jets.  1:00 at Cleveland Browns Stadium.  The Jets bring Mark Sanchez and a resurgent LaDainian Tomlinson to play in front of a suddenly confident Dawgpound.  Once again, Mangini is going to have all of the motivation he needs to end up victorious over the organization that fired him despite 2 winning seasons out of 3.

It also marks the return of prodigal son Braylon Edwards in his first trip back to Cleveland since being traded for a bag of balls because he got into a fight with the friend of the only former Cleveland athlete more despised than himself.  I’m sure he expects to get booed.  I’m sure he thinks it’s because he went to Michigan.  I hope he drops a couple passes.

I hope TJ Ward hits him so hard that he is separated from his New York Essence.  We will know this has happened because it will show up as a brown stain on the back of his pants.

In fact, I propose we start a collection to help TJ pay whatever fine he receives for hitting Braylon so hard that he forgets he was traded and thinks he’s in hell.

Short of that I’d settle for a few drops and that helpless look on his face he gets when he screws up and hasn’t yet figured out who else’s fault it was yet.  I used to hate that face.  I don’t think I’d mind it so much next Sunday. 

Let’s go make it 3 in a row Brownies.  That’s called a streak.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At Drunken Debauchery

This Sunday will be the annual TheClevelandFan.Com tailgate.  Since I don’t know how many they’ve had, I’m going to go ahead and call it the 5^th annual.  It will be my first.  I was lured with the promise of beer, pop, steak, beer, Brian McPeek, and beer. 

There will also be beer.

The Browns and Jets heard about the festivities and scheduled a game immediately following in the nearest stadium. 

I have heard rumors of a band playing as well.  Since nobody has told me that the band isn’t Pearl Jam, I’m going to go ahead and assume it is until told otherwise.

So, if you’re a fan of Pearl Jam, Beer, and Brian McPeek, go ahead and sign up.  I believe there is still limited space available. 

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Tribe 

With the San Francisco Giants World Series Victory in the review mirror we turn our attention back to the Tribe.  Free agency starts this week and this offseason appears destined to be as active as ever.  Cliff Lee, Carl Crawford, Jason Werth, and Adrian Beltre are just a few of the names likely to get teams other than Cleveland’s hearts beating a little bit faster.

So, with that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the free agent acquisitions the Tribe might be involved in:

Ummm

Uh 

Hmmm 

There must be some mistake.  We only won 69 games last year.  Surely there is a free agent out there that can help us.

Ehhhhh…how about….man this is hard.

OK, let’s check what the experts are saying 

Here’s a list from Sports Illustrated’s Ben Reiter listing the top 50 free agents and the team they best fit on.  Let’s see who he has going to Cleveland.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/ben_reiter/11/04/reiter.50.free.agents/index.html

OK 

Hmmm 

Ben doesn’t think any of the top 50 free agents are going to Cleveland.

Alright.  That’s OK.  I don’t expect  to sign a top free agent.  That doesn’t make sense for this team.  Sure, we could us a decent starter.  Maybe a veteran 3B to fill in until Chisenhall’s arrival on his white horse.  You know, a few vets to help us along as we gel into the finely tuned, championship caliber team we were all promised. 

Let’s check out the last player on the list and go from there. 

Melky Cabrera?  If we sign someone they are going to be worse than Melky Cabrera? 

Wow.

It’s going to be one long, boring offseason fellas.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Cavs

The 3-3 Cavs travel to New Jersey this Tuesday riding a 2 game winning streak.  Of course the 2 game winning streak comes against competition that has combined for 2 wins, but that’s not important now.  Wins are wins. 

The Cavs have a good chance to stretch that streak to 4 games with a back to back against Brook Lopez and the Nyets.  I’m pretty sure that Brook is the good Lopez.  There is some descent talent on New Jersey, but after opening the season with 2 wins, they’ve lost 4 in a row.  They’re better than they were last year, but they aren’t there yet.

And, the Cavs should be able to handle them in these 2 games, especially with the second coming at the Q.  Early in the season, it seems like there are several Cavs capable of stepping up and carrying the team.  Ramon Sessions, JJ Hickson, Andy Varejao, and Mo Williams have all had good games early in the season.

It’s time for Antawn Jamison to step up and have some of those games too.  If the Cavs are rebuiling, they are going to need to get as much as they can out of their main trade asset.  If they are actually serious about contending, the Cavs are going to need points out of Jamison.  Let’s hope that whatever is wrong with his knee gets better quickly.

The Cavs finish the week on Saturday at 7:30 in the Q vs the Indiana Pacers, another beatable team. 

It is completely conceivable that the Cavs can finish off the week on a 5 game winning streak and a nice shiny 6-3 record.  Coach Scott would approve of that, as would  owner Dan Gilbert.  I would definitely approve.

The only thing that wouldn’t approve are those darn ping pong balls that seem to hover over everything.

An Awkward Glance Ahead At The Buckeyes

The Buckeyes season starts up again after a one week break.  This week they are going up against a Penn State team who beat Northwestern on Saturday to earn Joe Paterno his historic 400^th victory.  In response to earning this epic win Joe said: 

Huh?  What?  What’s that?  Who’s talking?  Damn son, that’s a lot of red hair.

Penn State is having a down year there have been reports that the whole program is in disarray as coaches jockey for position in an attempt to be name the inevitable successor to Paterno.  I don’t know if any of that is true, but the results on the field have been less than stellar.

There is absolutely no reason for the Buckeyes not to win this game.

TV To Watch This Week

This was a tough one.  There are a few good things that caught my attention this week.  What caught my attention the most was this:

Louis CK – Shameless  Thursday 4:30 AM HBOz

Louis CK is one of the, if not THE best standups out there right now.  I thought his FX show that finished up a few months ago was great.  It was slow at times and very uncomfortable, but I always laughed multiple times during each episode. 

If you like good standup you should really check it out.

If you think Jeff Dunham is good standup, don’t worry about it.  Turn on Cinemax instead.  They probably have Busty Cops 2 on or something.

Also, just a heads up that HBO is running the entire “The Pacific” miniseries starting at 11:00 AM Thurday.

Actor I Will Be Casting In My Movie

Senor Pepe as portrayed by Richard Libertini.

Richard Libertini is a ‘that guy’.  One of those guys that you probably don’t know his name, but recognize him from multiple things.  His turn as the goofy mystical religious kooke in the underated “All Of Me” (one of Steve Martin’s greatest movies) would have been enough.

But, his scenes as the crazy South American general, General Garcia in the original The In-Laws are side splittingly funny.  It’s just a fantastic movie all the way around, but when Richard Libertini pulls out Senor Pepe I almost pee my pants.

If you’ve seen it, then you know.  If you haven’t, you owe it to yourself to put The In-Laws on you netflix queue.  Just make sure it’s the original with Peter Falk and Alan Arkin. 

Serpentine!

Youtube Of The Week:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPn6vN6hj8w

 

The greatest action scene ever put to film.